Cas and Sam's adventures

[Stanheights]

Today was a pretty normal day honestly.

 

We didn't talk as much as I would've liked us to, but we did communicate at least a little.

 

A thing I wanna mention is that the "black space" where I usually go before I go into dreamscape is starting to look a bit like.. an office? something like an office.

 

And by office I mean there are three screens in there, one that's mine, one that's Sam's and one that's Mandy's. And behind those screens are desks and chairs and.. computers, I guess. I don't have one behind my screen thing but Mandy and Sam does. I guess they just sit there sometimes when they're not in dreamscape.

 

And yesterday when I was there I talked to Mandy a bit and I asked her what she was doing, and she said she was looking through memories from about 7 years ago? Yeah, I guess she was doing that. And like two days ago she was reading a book in her room in dreamscape and I think they can somehow look through my memories where I've read and read that. Kind of like a book, I guess. I dunno, it's a bit weird and new to me.

 

But yeah, that's how it is there in the black space. Dreamscape looks pretty much the same, except the snow's gone now.

 

I don't really have any plans for this weekend honestly, like today I'm just gonna do some of my exercises and maybe watch some shows or play video games, so I'll try my best to talk to Sam and Mandy.

[Stanheights]

Small update:

 

So a while ago I was feeling down and anxious again. I guess it just happens sometimes, except it's been a lot worse lately. But yeah, I was sad.

 

But then all of a sudden I got this rush of energy and as soon as I stood up I just wanted to do all of the stuff I was thinking about not doing because of all those bad feelings I had. So I made my bed and did stuff and then I went out with the dog, and while I was out with the dog I talked a bit to both Sam and Mandy.

 

And Mandy basically confessed that she helped me in some weird way, like she just went in and co-op'd with me without really telling me which just gave me all this energy and it really lifted a weight off my chest.

 

I'm not entirely sure how she did it, but I'm just so grateful she did what she did because I feel a thousand times better now and I'm definitely not sad anymore.

 

So shout-out to Mandy for doing that.

[Stanheights]

We didn't talk a lot yesterday because I spent quite some time talking to one of my best friends on skype, but for some reason I couldn't feel anything bad from Mandy or Sam.

 

Like, I did feel a bit bad but when I spoke to them about it they both said it was okay and I felt an alost cheerful vibe from them.

 

And when I watched a movie with my best friend they were there I think and when the movie was over they said what they thought about it. I think Mandy loved and Sam thought it was pretty okay.

 

I guess we talked the most while I was in dreamscape before I fell asleep. I was so tired then (it was almost 4 am in the morning) that I just lied down on the floor in the black space and Mandy was clearly as tired as me because she lied down, too. Then Sam also lied down and then we went into dreamscape together and just went to bed. I usually just kind of open the door to Mandy's room and look in and say good night, and when I did it yesterday she was just sitting in her bed reading with Chico (the cat) in her arms. It was pretty cute.

 

Hopefully we'll do better today, or well, hopefully I'll do better today.

[Stanheights]

Eh, I guess this weekend's been okay. It's really hard to communicate with Mandy and Sam when I'm talking to my friends, though.

 

Yesterday I got really anxious and sad and I kinda cried, but then I got this mental image of Sam just kind of lying down with me and both him and Mandy reassured me that it was gonna be okay which made me feel better. I really appreciate them for doing that.

 

Hopefully next week will be better both when it comes to talking to them and my anxiety.

[Stanheights]

So.. some teachers were sick today which meant we got to go home at 11 am.

 

I was a bit anxious at first today because I'm trying to distance myself from someone there, but Mandy and Sam were there which made me calmer.

 

During one break me and Mandy watched some videos on youtube and Sam thought it was a bit weird, and when I wrote about it on this app I've got Mandy just said "he has no appreciation for great memes" and I just found that hilarious honestly. Especially since it's kind of true in a way.

 

The last class was a bit.. weird for me, because I'm literally in the same group as the person I'm trying to distance myself from (hint; it's my best friend who knows about Sam and Mandy and quite a lot of my brain stuff), and I think they sensed I needed a laugh because Mandy just appeared (I saw her in my mind's eye, not irl) on a chair in front of our table and started point her middle finger at my best friend, and then Sam did that too but in a really hilarious pose which almost made me laugh out loud. It was wonderful. And I'm glad they try to cheer me up most of the time when things are starting to look dark.

 

I still have problems with doubt, especially when it comes to communicating. I'm just a bit insecure when it comes to my "abilities" as a host, I guess. I'm gonna work on it, though.

 

Another thing that's worth mentioning is that I seriously need to get my life together and I've kind of asked Sam and Mandy to help me with that. And by help I just mean motivation and pushing me further when I'm feeling insecure and nervous about things. Hopefully it'll go as well as I want it to.

[Stanheights]

Yeah, that thing where I was gonna try to distance myself from my best friend/the person whom makes me really sad kinda turned around on me because I got really anxious and almost suicidal today.

 

I'm not sure if Sam and Mandy felt that, too, because they've been kind of.. absent today? They just haven't been around too much and I haven't heard a lot from them. It feels kind of weird, I guess, but I'm pretty sure they've just been busy.

 

I had a lot of vivid and weird dreams last night and there was a weird vibe to them, just like there used to be with my dreams after I got Sam. I'm not sure if it's possible for the three of us to share dreams, but it seems kind of possible since we've all slept together these last two days.

 

Yeah, I forgot to mention that we slept together in this tent the other day. And yesterday, too, I think. Mandy went into the shed in dreamscape and got a tent while me and Sam got some sheets and stuff. It was really nice and cozy and I'd definitely do it again.

 

But yeah, we haven't talked a whole lot today and I haven't felt a lot of presence from them, but I'm sure it'll get better tomorrow.

[Stanheights]

I didn't feel much presence today either. That's honestly really strange.

 

Like.. I don't know. And today I'm gonna hang out with some friends so I don't know how the talking will really go. We'll see.

[Stanheights]

There still hasn't been much presence today/tonight.

 

I hung out with my friends til around.. 9 pm or so, and then I went home. I did talk to Mandy and Sam a bit and I guess that went well.

 

And a while ago I cleaned out my closet a bit and I talked out loud to myself and Mandy and Sam and I asked them if they could hear me a couple of times and they said yes. So I guess they're still here even though I can't entirely 'feel' it. We'll see how tomorrow goes. We're basically free then so I'm sure we'll find something to do.

[Stanheights]

Okay, today was better but at the same time bad, too.

 

My best friend whom accepts Sam and Mandy is apparently against them now or something. He said they don't exist at all and that it's all in my head (I mean, technically that's true, but he didn't mean it in a good way) and that they're not real people at all. Things like that.

 

And he also went on to reveal himself as a transphobic douchebag so that kind of ruined my day, too, since I'm transgender. So I guess I'm personally not feeling too great right now. And I doubt Mandy and Sam loved hearing someone say they don't exist.

 

We talked more today at least, so that's good. We talked mostly about my "best friend" and some other things. I can't remember entirely.

 

This weekend we'll probably have a change to just hang out and talk. Hopefully. Unless something comes up and gets in the way.

[Stanheights]

I guess this weekend's been alright.

 

It felt a bit strange and almost forced sometimes when I talked to Sam and Mandy, I'm not sure why. But yesterday when I was gonna try and sleep I talked to Sam about it. He was kind of sleepy but he answered and said that if I don't talk to them they won't know how to reply or something like that. He said he didn't say that entirely but something like it at least.

 

So that's a thing. I guess I should try and communicate more and maybe then it won't feel as strange.

 

Before sleeping while everyone else was asleep basically I looked at Sam and Mandy's desks and their stuff basically just disappeared. That was a bit weird, but I guess I'm not exactly supposed to see exactly what's there since that's 'their' parts of the brain.

 

We'll try harder next week.