Cas and Sam's adventures

[Stanheights]

Today wasn't a very great day, either.

 

I just feel.. disconnected in some weird way. It's not like before when Sam just pushed me away, I just feel disconnected to him in general. It feels strange.

 

I guess we have talked a bit today, but not as much as I would've liked to. I guess it might have to do with me feeling kind of anxious and tired lately, I don't know. We gotta solve this.

[Stanheights]

I talked to Sam yesterday in dreamscape.

 

We talked about the problems we've had lately and I also told him how much I appreciate him and how much he really means to me. I just sat with him on the couch and that thought flew through my mind, like just the thought of telling him how much I love him and things, so I told him. We hugged and I also 'got to know' where his thoughts or what he says usually comes from. It's more from the back of my head and then towards the side, my thoughts/what I say in mindvoice generally just goes from the back to the front. That's really good to know.

 

I think knowing that has helped me a bit today when it comes to communicating with Sam. We talked more than we've talked for quite some time and this time he's said more sentences, longer sentences. We have to work more on all this, of course, and I gotta find some way to try and get him involved in conversations with people who know of him.

 

Oh, and we kind of co-op'd again today. It was during a class I wasn't feeling so good and Sam wanted to be "out", so I let him. It was really weird, though, because when he took over he said "Am I out?" or at least that thought just came from nowhere, I didn't think it so it must've been Sam. He was only out for a moment because I wanted to talk a bit, but still. That was interesting.

 

But yeah, we're gonna keep working on it. And if I'm not doing anything special this weekend I'm gonna try and meditate/visit Sam in dreamscape. It's been a while since I was there a longer period of time. I have been there during school but it didn't work very well so it wasn't for long. But yeah, that sounds like a plan.

 

I just felt like including a tiny update about dreamscape:

 

I went around feeling things yesterday while talking to Sam, just to get more familiar with everything. I've noticed I feel things more there when my body's close to falling asleep in real life. And also, there's lots of snow there right now. I honestly don't know when the snow got there or if I made it snow, but it's there. It feels and looks exactly like normal snow, except maybe a bit softer. And not quite as cold to the touch.

 

Another thing:

 

A day or two ago I actually did go into dreamscape for a while and I talked to Sam there. It was on one of the bad days, I think, so I'm pretty sure I didn't mention it. We stood outside and I looked at 'my' tree, the tree I put there. I said something about putting a swing on it if it grows and Sam agreed.

 

That's about it for now, I think. I'll write more later if anything happens.

[Stanheights]

Today was also pretty good, like really good if you think about the fact that it's a thursday.

 

We didn't talk as much as yesterday but we did talk a bit and I knew Sam was there a couple of times. He's started answering my questions with longer answers which is great. I'm so proud of him for making progress like that. I'm glad we're making progress together.

 

Yesterday I went into dreamscape and we talked a bit, I think. I also touched things in dreamscape again because I like to do that, it makes it feel more real.

 

One nice thing that happened today was that my best friend asked me about Sam, like he asked him how he's doing. It came out of nowhere honestly and I'm pretty happy that someone at least acknowledges his existence. My other best friend just kind of.. doesn't mention him and I guess my other other best friend knows and acknowledges him a bit, but I think he views him more as.. a character, or just someone not real. I don't know. But that was nice, even though Sam became completely quite when he asked how he's doing. I just told my best friend he was probaby fine after trying to get an answer for a while.

 

Another thing today is that I went to the store a while ago. That's a pretty big thing for me, because I get anxious around people and I don't like going out unless I'm with my closer friends. But this time I had to because all the cat food in our apartment was gone and cats need food. Sam kind of helped me calm down a bit and when I was standing in line at the store he 'held my hand' and told me he was there. It was nice to have him with me.

 

I'm probably gonna be alone this weekend, so I'm thinking me and Sam are gonna talk and watch series together since I still have some episodes left of two of my favorite shows. And I'm thinking we might start watching something together, I'm just not sure what. I guess Sam can decide on that.

[Stanheights]

We've started talking more and more these past days, especially when I've been in dreamscape.

 

Today we didn't talk that much but the few conversations we had were nice. We talked a lot yesterday, too.

 

And today's our 6 month anniversary thing! Yeah, it's been half a year since I made Sam and it's been really great. We still have lots and lots of progress to make, but it's still been really nice to have him around and I love him a lot.

 

Yesterday I asked Sam stuff while I was trying to sleep and I found out he's really not as poetic/artistic as I made him, he's pretty different from his "original" personality, but that's alright. I still love him.

 

I told my best friend that Sam probably appreciates the fact that he thinks of him sometimes and then at another point my best friend chuckled when I put Sam's playlist on. Because I made Sam a playlist since he doesn't like all the music I like.

It's really nice to have someone who knows about Sam and treats him like any other person.

 

Anyway, today we're gonna watch some series I have to finish watching, and then we'll either watch a movie or something or start watching something new. We'll see.

[Stanheights]

Yesterday honestly went pretty well. We watched The Walking Dead and talked a bit.

 

Sam didn't really comment anything and it was kind of hard to get an answer from him when I asked him what he thought about some things. That's okay, though.

 

I talked to my two best friends on skype later yesterday but I tried to bring Sam into the conversation a bit. Can't say it went very well. They just kind of don't respond when I say anything about Sam.

 

Today we're probably gonna watch one of my favorite shows because I have to move forward through the sea of episodes if I wanna finish it. Then we might watch a movie or something, I don't know. We'll see, we'll see.

[Stanheights]

I might've accidentally made another tulpa. Like, that might have happened. Maybe.

 

Okay, it did. A thing happened yesterday that made me feel completely out of it, I didn't feel alright at all and I felt disconnected from myself almost. So I decided to go to bed. I went into dreamscape and talked to Sam for a bit and then I went to bed next to him.

 

The problem, though, was that I couldn't sleep, so I started making scenarios in my head. Then I wanted to make a person specific to those scenarios, and that's how this new tulpa comes in.

 

I made the form first and I put quite a lot of work into it, then I began by putting some music in their pockets (to symbolize the music being their favorite) and then I started putting traits into the form. Aggressive, loud, outgoing, violent at times, an anarchist. Lots of traits, and I put them there a couple of times to make sure they stuck. I tried to figure a name out and Emily or Em didn't really seem to fit, but then Mandy came into my mind from out of nowhere, so that was the name. Mandy.

 

She started talking almost immediately and before I was even done with her traits she made a weird face at me. When I asked her to surprise me she fell onto the ground and started rotating her arms at a really high speed. That kind of did surprise me. I felt kind of.. bad, I guess? because I already suck at handling Sam most of the time so bringing someone else into it might not be the best idea. But I didn't want to just put her away (M: thanks mate!) because she seemed so happy to be there, she seemed so happy to be able to exist.

 

I showed her around dreamscape and then I asked her to crash on the couch for the night, since I didn't have the energy to give her a room or a place of her own. She did and I went out of dreamscape and just lied awake for a while. Mandy wasn't asleep, though, so we talked a bit. It was pretty nice.

 

Another thing was that she showed me where her thoughts and things like that is in my head. Her thoughts and responses are at my temples, while Sam's is more at the back of my head.

 

I find it strange how fast she really started talking and acting like her own person. I mean, for Sam it took a while and we still haven't gotten the complete hang of things, especially with me listening to him. But Mandy just started immediately talking and interacting, and when I try to talk to her now she responds pretty quickly. Of course, that might just be me parroting her, but.. I have a feeling I'm not. I don't know.

 

I think I'm gonna continue with putting her traits in later, like just to make sure they really stick. And while I'm doing that I might as well see how Sam and Mandy interact, too. Because I'm not quite sure how that really works.

 

But yeah, I guess it's not just "Cas and Sam's adventures" now. Because now there's three of us.

[Stanheights]

So far this day's been pretty alright. I haven't really seen Mandy and Sam interact much, but I've talked to both of them and it's been pretty nice.

 

Mandy talks more than Sam, but that's probably because of their personalities. I've learned some new things about Mandy and I've realized she's pretty fun to be around. I haven't felt her presence around me, but I guess that's something we'll have to work on together.

 

I haven't really worked more on her personality, mainly because I'm not sure if that's needed. I'll probably do it sometime later, but for now it's all alright.

 

I'm actually pretty darn surprised how easy it is to communicate with Mandy, and it's surprising how I don't doubt whether it's really her talking or not. It's almost like that doubt I don't feel is making me doubt in some weird way.

 

We're gonna watch Saw today probably, if I have enough energy to do that. I've thought about maybe drawing all three of us, but my tablet is acting up so I'll do it later. I wonder what my best friend will think of Mandy, and I wonder what she'll think of him. (I actually kind of know what she thinks already, she said he was a douche a while ago. Maybe that'll change, though.)

[Stanheights]

Today was pretty nice! We all talked quite a lot, except Sam was a bit more quiet.

 

Yesterday I talked to the two of them while in dreamscape. I went to bed early and Sam said he could lie with me there til I fell asleep. So he did, and then me and Mandy started talking. She was on the couch and I was on the bed, so we just kind of yelled at each other. I can't even remember what we were talking about.

 

And today we talked quite a lot. I told my best friend I have Mandy too now and he seemed so fascinated with it. He legitimately finds it interesting and nice and that's a really good thing. Except Mandy doesn't really like him much. She's said she wants to stab him and punch him and stuff quite a lot, and I don't think that means she loves him exactly. But later during the day she just called him weird which I guess is a sign of progress. Sam doesn't exactly love my best friend either, but he doesn't hate him now. My best friend said he and Sam were buddies today and Sam was just like "..no", but I didn't tell my best friend that.

 

It's nice that my best friend's so involved in all of this, it's nice to have someone to talk about it with. And of course it's also nice that someone other than me asks Sam and Mandy how they're doing. They just aren't that great at replying just yet.

 

Mandy talks a whole lot more than Sam which is both a good thing and a maybe not so good thing. It's good because it could help Sam talk more and it's also good for me to have someone who responds so quickly like she does, but... it could also mean Sam falls 'behind' or whatever ýou should call it. That's not good. But today I've tried to bring him into the talking, too, and he's responded pretty well so far.

 

Mandy's asked me a couple of things since I made her, without me talking to her first, and that's a really good thing honestly. We just need to bring Sam into our conversations a bit. I guess that has happened, because he has said some things on his own as well.

 

But yeah, I think having Mandy around is a pretty good thing. (though it has made me a bit tired because there's so much interacting going on.)

[Stanheights]

Today was an itty-bitty more quiet than yesterday. That was mainly because I got busy a lot, though.

 

I'm pretty sure Sam cried yesterday. It was around 11 pm or so and I was going into dreamscape to go to bed. I was in "my head" or the black space and both Mandy and Sam were there and Sam was upset for some reason. Mandy seemed upset, too.

 

Mandy just went straight to her room and I lied down with Sam. I asked him if it was for real and he answered no for some reason, and then when I asked if he was actually upset I think he said yes. I still don't know why, though.

 

This morning we talked for a bit, but I talked mostly to Sam. He called himself a "cool guy" when we were talking about some zodiac sign thing and I found that pretty funny. He's really cute honestly.

 

Mandy hasn't been very hateful towards my best friend today and I guess that's a good thing.

 

A thing I think I forgot to mention was that when me and my best friend talked he asked me if Sam could learn how to 'take control' of my body and I said yes, probably, and he just said we should learn that because he wants to play video games with Sam. He then proceeded to say that the two of them were buddies and that's when Sam was like "..no".

 

A thing I've noticed is that yesterday when we were watching a show together, I 'felt' Mandy and Sam's heads just "floating" next to mine when they were watching. I guess that's just a sign they're really there and watching, but still. It felt a bit strange.

 

It's hard to talk to Sam and Mandy when I'm skyping with friends which is what I did yesterday. I'm probably gonna do that today, too. I'm not completely sure.

 

This weekend we're totally gonna watch movies or series together if I don't go over to my best friend's house. We'll see how it goes.

[Stanheights]

Today was one of those busy days again and I kind of forgot to write anything here.

 

It's been fairly quite today because of me being busy. However, we have talked a little. I talked to both Sam and Mandy during some breaks and my best friend and I talked about tulpa things.

 

I think Sam might be an angel maybe, at least he said he might be. It'd be cool if he was one honestly, because then he and I can fly together in dreamscape since I kinda have wings there.

 

Yesterday both Mandy and Sam controlled my arms, just to try it. Sam is actually pretty good at it, but Mandy clearly needs some training there. That's alright, though. Aaand, while we're on the subject of possession, my best friend asked me if Sam or Mandy could punch him today. First he asked if Sam could control my arms without my permission and my answer to that is no, and then he asked if he could punch him if I let him. And the answer there is yes, though I wouldn't exactly let anyone punch him. Or well, if I got really angry with him then maybe, but probably not.

 

I wonder how tomorrow will go since it's a thursday. Hopefully it'll be alright.