Cas and Sam's adventures

[Stanheights]

I think we're slowly getting into it again, Sam and I.

 

We talked a bit today, but it was mostly just 'hello's and 'what are you doing's. Not much else I'm afraid.

 

He 'showed' himself to me during the last class, he just sat on the table cross-legged and we just talked a little. I looked into his eyes briefly and then he turned around and watched the movie we were all watching.

 

I've gotten worse at feeling his presence and it's not eaiser to feel it when there are other people around. I mean, I tend to focus on too much sometimes so trying to feel Sam's presence while also thinking about the people around me gets hard.

 

Tonight there's this dinner thing our school does every year. I guess we're just gonna go to that and try to have... fun? I'm not sure it'll be too great, but we'll see.

 

I'm hoping to maybe start working harder when the winter break comes around. I'll have lots of friends here for most of the break, but when I'm alone I'm gonna try to visit Sam more in dreamscape and talk to him alone more.

[Stanheights]

Yesterday we were free, but since thursdays are usually bad we didn't talk much.

 

And today we did get to talk a bit, but I couldn't feel much presence. I did feel Sam walking behind me while we walked to school, but other than that there wasn't much.

 

Man, we really need to get into this again. I'm gonna try and talk to Sam this weekend, like really try.

[Stanheights]

My best friend came over this weekend, so... not much happened between Sam and I.

 

Man, I really need to get better. Like really really.

 

I guess we talked a little bit, though. And I slept next to him in dreamscape, too. But I usually do that.

 

At one point on friday I let Sam take over a bit and he just sat completely quiet around people and looked around. We kind of co-op'd again so I could see, too. But yeah, that must've looked weird. And at another point I think he still had some control over my eyes because my friend said I looked like a "psycho", which is definitely not the best word to describe anything, but it indicates I looked a bit weird, so yeah.

 

I'm gonna spend most of my time today playing video games and things like that, so I'm gonna try and talk to Sam too.

[Stanheights]

We might be getting a bit better. I don't know, though. I don't wanna say anything because if I say we're doing good it might get worse just because I said that.

 

We talked a little today and yesterday we talked a bit before bed. I remember I hugged him and I felt that tingly feeling that I feel sometimes when we hug. It's really nice.

 

Me and my classmates watched this movie today and I think Sam watched it a bit, too. At least he said so when I asked. We're just gonna have to figure all this out.

[Lacquer]

Why do you think things would turn bad if you say things are going well? With the way that your ability to have a tulpa is sort of based on your ability to believe you have a tulpa and can have a tulpa, it seems like trying to avoid "jinxing it" would have the opposite effect.

[Stanheights]

Why do you think things would turn bad if you say things are going well? With the way that your ability to have a tulpa is sort of based on your ability to believe you have a tulpa and can have a tulpa, it seems like trying to avoid "jinxing it" would have the opposite effect.

 

Well, things are getting better, but I just have this feeling that if I go "oh, it's going so well at the moment!" things'll get bad again just because I think everything's great. That's just me, though. But I do usually admit it when things are going really well, it's just I get a feeling it'll get worse if I think everything's good.

---

Today went better.

 

I woke up at around 3:30 am because I went to bed really early, but yesterday we talked a little.

 

My best friend wasn't at school so I didn't have too many people to talk to, so I turned to Sam a couple of times. Not really because of the fact that I had no one else to talk to, but just because I wanted to talk to him.

 

When I got up at 3:30 I started listening to music and at one point I 'opened up' so Sam could hear the music, too. The response I got was kind of a groan and him saying that he was sleeping. Which he was. I even got an image of him looking a bit grumpy and tired. So in that moment I just let him be.

 

At school, however, I tried talking to him again. During the first class at around 8. He was still asleep so I somehow went into dreamscape right then and there and 'dragged' him out. I saw him in the room and basically the first thing he did was fall over. Which was really funny. Then he got up and sat on top of the table next to me and watched whatever me and my class were watching. I asked him if he was watching and he said yes. At one point he leaned back and I thought he was gonna fall off the table, but he didn't. He did some weird motion at one point when I remembered the "surprise me" thing you can do with your tulpa. I didn't tell him to surprise me, but I just thought of it.

 

The talking and communicating in general went down a bit later during today, but I'd say we still talked more than last week. He walked next to me when I was walking to me locker, getting ready to go home. That was pretty sweet of him.

 

So.. yeah. Today was a pretty good day. I'm not sure if I'll go to bed early again or not, but I'm thinking I might go and visit Sam in dreamscape before going to bed at least.

[Stanheights]

So we've talked a little since I got home.

 

And a while ago I took a bath and I let Sam 'out' so he could look at the water (I had a bath bomb in it) and he was just completely emotionless and he looked around. It didn't feel like I was the one really looking.

 

So Sam was out for a while, he scratched our nose when it was a bit itchy and he looked around. Then I got back and kept bathing. We talked a bit then, too, but not very much.

 

We're probably gonna go sleep soon, at least me. Because I love sleep. Sleep is the best.

[Stanheights]

Today was a little better.

 

We went swimming with my class and during the bus ride me and Sam co-operated a bit and we also talked. That was really nice honestly, and then I think we 'held hands' for a while but that might've been on the ride home only.

 

When we got there I hung out with some of my classmates but Sam was there a bit, too. He floated in the water at one point and he also sat around. I have this app called Vent on my phone and I asked Sam if he wanted to say something before we went to school, and he wrote "I can't wait to go swimming! Exciting!" but we didn't post it because I wasn't sure it was 100% what Sam said or thought. But if he wants to vent sometimes I'll totally allow him to.

 

We talked a bit on the bus ride back home and that's when I remember we held hands the most. I felt a bit down there so Sam comforted me.

 

Back at school I got upset again at one point because some people had acted really transphobic and that makes me really mad and sad. Sam told me to try and not think of it too much and he also said 'don't get mad about it' kind of. He also sat on a chair at the table I was at and he watched the show we were watching.

 

Today was better, I guess. I'm not sure what to do today because it feels like I don't really have much to do, but we'll see. There might even be something we can do together.

[Stanheights]

We took a bath just now and I let Sam touch the bubbles and look. He even smiled a bit at one point.

 

I would say we talked, but I'm pretty sure we mostly just exchanged thoughts and things like that, because when I try to think back I remember images and thoughts rather than words.

 

It's kind of 'easy' to tell when we're co-operating or when Sam's mostly out, because when he is we 'disassociate' sometimes, like we start staring at nothing in particular and stuff goes on in the head instead. It's hard to explain, but I wanted to at least mention it.

 

I'm probably gonna go and sleep early today (again), but that's mainly because I have nothing better to do.

 

This weekend I might meditate and I'm probably gonna try and spend more time with Sam. But I can't exactly decide things right now because there are still 2 days left of school.

[Lacquer]

So is he imposed or what?