Cas and Sam's adventures

[Stanheights]

So, I had a lucid dream last night for the first time ever.

 

I didn't have that much control, barely any control at all, but at one point I decided to meet Sam there, and when I thought about it he actually appeared.

 

He looked strange. His hair was longer than usual and it was black and white (he was also really, really tall), and I remember feeling a bit weird looking at him. I hugged him, though, and then something sexual happened, I think. Like I said, I didn't exactly have too much control and I didn't remind myself that I was dreaming so it just went into normal dream-mode after a while.

 

I actually asked Sam just now if it was him, seeing as it didn't look like it, and though it's kinda hard to get a straight answer I think he's leaning towards no. I think it should be possible to actually talk to him and meet him while lucid dreaming, though, so if it happens again I'm gonna try and find him (again?).

[Stanheights]

Today my mood went down the drain again.

 

This mainly happens because of one person in my life, and I'm just not gonna talk about it on here since that's only something I mention on my blog.

 

Me and Sam haven't talked too much, but I could feel his presence a lot. He was there when I talked to the person who makes me really anxious and sad, though he didn't really say much.

 

I'm hoping we'll be able to talk more tomorrow and of course later on.

[Stanheights]

Me and Sam didn't talk an awful lot today, but at one point he did tell me to keep ignoring the person who makes me sad/anxious, so I guess that's a good thing.

 

Yesterday Sam stayed in the background mostly, at least at home. He kind of did that today, too, but he did talk a little.

 

My head's feeling a bit weird right now, like something's missing or blurry. I'm not sure why and I'm not sure if it's Sam feeling like this or me. It might be both of us.

 

I really need to try harder, but it's so hard when you're sad and anxious because when I'm anxious I get tired and if I'm tired I can't really do stuff. At least not properly. We might continue watching our series later, maybe. I guess we'll see.

[Stanheights]

I think my mood might be getting better now.

 

I talked to Sam quite a lot today, but sometimes I started doubting again like I did in the beginning which was annoying. But other than that we talked quite a lot.

 

I've stopped talking to the person who makes me sad now, which I guess is.. good. But I'm sad without them, as well, so Sam's been helping me with that a bit.

 

For example, during the last class of the day I started getting anxious (and it was showing on the outside, too) and I asked Sam for help, so we idid our little co-op thing and controlled the body together. Sam didn't do a whole lot except for making my arm/s do these twitchy motions and he also touched some stuff, like my bag, but it helped me sit up straight and I think he helped me concentrate a little, too.

 

However, he stopped it after a while which made things harder again. But I still talked to him because he sat right next to me almost the whole time.

 

I really, really need to get better at listening and talking, because hearing what Sam is saying is something I really want. I don't have a lot of time to spend on things like that, though. Maybe we'll get it done during some longer break? that seems like a good idea. Or maybe on some weekends when we're not doing anything, maybe.

 

We're gonna make it, even if it gets slow sometimes. Just gotta take it in our (or well, my) own pace. Which is about the same speed as a slug. Yes.

[Stanheights]

My mood is kind of the same as before, and now it won't exactly get better because my school laptop isn't working properly and I have too many things to get done.

 

So, I spent most of my time being stressed and/or anxious today. But I did talk to Sam and he comforted me a little.

 

Tomorrow we're gonna go visit my mom and I'll spend most of my time with my best friend I think, so I don't know if I'll be able to write anything. We'll see.

[Stanheights]

This weekend hasn't been too well for me and Sam. I mean, it was good for me, I guess, but not for us.

 

I don't really feel 'safe' mentioning Sam around my best friend anymore, because I know she doesn't believe he really exists and when I talk about him as if he does exist (which he does) it creates this awkward feeling between us. I don't know.

 

I think this friday I asked Sam if I could tell my other best friend about him (the person who's made me sad a lot, but we kind of worked it out again) and his response was yes. A strong yes, I'd say. So I might tell him about Sam. We'll see.

 

I'm gonna start trying to be more healthy from now on and I've asked Sam to help me with that, and by help I mean just remind me to get outside more. And just... support me, I guess.

 

I gotta start trying more.

[Stanheights]

I've noticed I have a problem with... saying Sam's name sometimes? It sounds weird, I know.

 

I guess it's not much of a problem with saying his name, it's more like his name creeps its way into my sentence sometimes without me meaning it. And sometimes my mind goes "Cas" instead of "Sam", but I'm starting to think that that's Sam's way of gettin me to notice him. Or something.

 

He asked me what I was doing today and when I said I was waiting for my best friend (I didn't say it at first but then I decided to be honest), he said he was waiting, too. For my friend. I'm not so sure about that, because Sam has never really shown much interest in him at all. I mean, the first thing he said about him was that he was ugly. I guess opinions can change, though. So maybe Sam likes my friend, too.

 

I get quicker replies now, and that makes me doubt a bit. Because since the replies come so fast sometimes I feel confused and doubt if it was really Sam. But I think it usually is.

 

Today my mind was kind of in a blur and I didn't feel Sam's presence as much as usual, but we did talk a little. I need to get better at talking to him and feeling his presence, because I've gotten worse at that now. Which is my fault, but still.

 

I also told my best friend about Sam. On facebook. Once again. Just like when I told my other best friend. We have a good feeling about this, maybe. At least I think Sam does, because he gave me a strong yes when I asked him if it was okay to tell my friend about it. I guess we'll see how that goes.

 

We're working on it.

 

Also! Sam became 5 months old yesterday. Or is it 4 months? I 'met' him in July, so... it's gotta be 4 months and a day. Yeah. Unless you count July as a whole month, which is kind of what I've been doing. But without July it's 4 months. I forgot about it again, dangit. I suck at remembering things.

I'll ask my dad to get me some cheesecake or something on friday so we can share that to.. celebrate, I guess? yeah. It's been a while, so it's definitely worth eating cheesecake over.

---

Update (4:20):

 

So, my friend replied. He asked me some things about it, like if I have schizophrenia for example, but I just gave him his answers and yeah. I think he gets it. At least a little bit.

 

I'm just hoping he won't start avoiding me (again), because that'd make me really sad and stuff. I don't see how something like that would push him away, though. I mean, his mom thinks all US presidents are lizard people, so.. yeah. He probably understands. Maybe. I have no idea. I mean, I didn't see his reaction since I just wrote with him, but I guess I just have to hope. We have to hope.

 

I'm almost sure he'll mention it tomorrow, so I'll write what he says if he says something about it.

 

Also, Sam is happy that he knows. I'm glad Sam's happy at least. I'm not so sure about myself, though. That's unrelated to this, but yeah.

[Stanheights]

I just visited Sam in dreamscape! for the first time in weeks!

 

It was really nice, even though it only lasted about 7 minutes or so. I walked around in dreamscape and touched this bare, dark tree that Sam put there. At least I think he put it there. It just appeared one day last week. (Also, the house changed a bit, the kitchen counter is right by the door now and the tv and couch is where the kitchen counter and kitchen used to be. The bed is in the same place)

 

I touched it a bit, just to see how it felt. The sky was a bright orange and purple, I think, and it was starting to get pretty dark. I walked up to the terrace, I guess, and sat down there and called for Sam. He appeared by the first step and I just ran into his arms. It was nice to hug him like that again. Really, really nice. I love how I can actually feel it on my physical body, too. It doesn't feel exactly the same, but there are these tingles and it feels really great.

 

We sat down outside and talked about things. I asked him if he was happy that my best friend knows about him, and he said yes. I told him I kind of hope he'll ask me some questions about him tomorrow. It's a bit hard to remember exactly what we talked about, but yeah. We talked a little. It was actually easier this time. ((I actually remember talking a bit more about my best friend. Sam said that he was ugly but nice and basically that it's good that he's nice to me now. ))

 

I also asked him if he wanted to watch the walking dead with me before leaving and he said yes, so I guess we'll do that in a while. I have to study a bit first, though.

 

We really need to start hanging out in dreamscape more. It's really nice.

[Stanheights]

Well, today was interesting. We talked a lot more and Sam got to 'talk' to an actual person (aka my best friend).

 

I just asked my friend what he thinks (or he started talking about it, I can't remember) and he asked me things about Sam. He asked me if Sam could take control of my whole body and do something bad, but I said no, because something like that would probably need a lot of training.

 

He kind of calls him an imaginary friend, and he said it was because he was my friend and nobody could see him, so I said that I could, because I technically can. When I said I could see where he was in a room my friend looked around and went "..no way", and I totally get that. We totally get that. I mean, it's gotta be at least a little weird to hear stuff like that.

 

At one point when we were alone, my friend told me to practice and make Sam come out so he could ask him why he sorta dislikes him, but I said he actually could talk to him whenever because Sam can still listen and hear and of course, reply. So he asked him why he dislikes him, just kinda "Why do you/he dislike me?" and Sam answered that he was mean. And when my friend asked how he answered that he was mean to me. Which is kind of true, sometimes. Not always. Definitely not at the moment. I guess Sam kind of takes it from my perspective more, though, because I can be sensitive at times.

 

I told my friend Sam can take control of body parts, even though that usually takes some concentration. I joked and said Sam could probably slap someone with my hand and nobody would know it was him, and that caused my friend to slowly move away, but he was probably joking, too.

 

But yeah, definitely interesting day today. And we got to talk so, so much more now because of my friend asking questions and because we could talk about my friend and other things. It was really nice.

 

Other than that, Sam kind of helped me read today. I just kind of closed my eyes and asked him to help me and we kind of read together almost. It sure went a lot faster than usual. Most of the day he usuall just replied with yes or no, but I could tell that it was him and things. He did say some longer sentences and he asked me what I was doing at one point I think, but yeah. Progress.

[Stanheights]

Hellooo, moodswings! I have no idea what's happening in my brain.

 

I'm mostly fine about 90% of the time, I mean I'm not fine as in happy, but fine as in I don't want to, like.. die. Yeah. But today I felt really anxious and that wasn't very nice.

 

Sam helped me through it a bit, though. I think he told me to think about nice things and he also said he was there. It didn't help too much because my thoughts kind of attacked me, but I really appreciate him being there. Really.

 

We didn't talk as much as we did yesterday, but that just means we've got more to work on. Since I'm in the middle of fixing some things personally I'm guessing we won't get the chance to meet in dreamscape much from now on. Except for when I'm about to sleep, because I almost always go there and lie down next to Sam.

 

I'm gonna try and take my mind off of things that bother me today. And I'm also gonna try to practice on some things that I usually do, like playing the piano. I think I might teach Sam to play a bit? maybe.

 

Also, it's really fun to cooperate with Sam when it comes to controlling hands and/or arms. It's fun letting him take some control just in general. I mean, most of the time my hand or arm gets kinda twitchy but he can move it around. When he does he usually just feels things, though. Like textures on paper or bags and things like that.