progress report from ex ou

[ex ou]

First Day: No separate paragraph edition (bear with me, that is, if you even decide to read this, it's not mandatory to read this but go ahead if you like)

 

It was my first day today starting out with my tulper. Her name's Chloe and she has her own character and what not, I won't go into detail with her looks. When I first placed her in my wonderland (a rooftop during sunset), she was pretty much curled up and asleep for a majority of the time. I was talking to her, making her feel comfortable and welcomed, though she was sleeping. An hour or so later, I had to work my 4 hour shift where I spent some time checking in on her. I didn't really feel all that sad today, surprisingly, because I felt like I had someone by my side. I held off talking and visualizing her while driving home cause I felt like I was going to crash. When I got home, I just talked to her, she eventually woke up, although not in a fluid motion. She would just "glitch" to other positions when my visualizing wasn't so good, and I had trouble with camera angles, because I would visualize myself being with her and then it would zoom out to seeing me in third person. So we talked, and she was sitting and listening. I was avoiding trying not to parrot her into saying stuff because I didn't want to force anything on her, she's obligated to do whatever action she wants. She reacts with body expressions, but I feel as if I was parroting it.

Now I'm just sorta passive interacting with her. I'm starting to get some more responses from her. However, my wonderland isn't much of a wonderland anymore. I keep accidentally visualizing her getting snatched by black dragons, getting torn apart, and other bad things that would hurt her. I reverted the scenes for the first couple times, but then I decided that I would take action and help her for whatever was attacking her. I felt really bad and kept apologizing, and she did react to them quite effectively. I had to hold her hand and jump across buildings and floating platforms to get away from a massive horde of small black bugs infesting the building, which started chasing us, all in third person view for about 3 minutes until I stopped visualizing it. It was terrible and I feel really bad that she has to live under such conditions in a so-called-wonderland, but it has sorta made us trust each other more, so that's a positive. So now I'm trying to let her out of the wonderland and into my world so that she doesn't have to live under my brain's uncontrollable impulses. It's a promise and I'll try my best to protect her.

[ex ou]

Second Day: Title - progress is finding bad points!

 

Mostly passive forcing today. She only responds when I give her attention. Sometimes I forget her name for a couple moments cause I have to put in a considerable amount of brainpower to come up with visualizations. I always apologize and she responds back. She has been responding quite nicely, although I am quite worried that I may be parroting her actions. I can't really distinguish the difference between her own actions and my imagination. She's in my head, but I don't really see her as an object of my imagination, but she does live in an environment where imagination is running... if that makes any sense. It's just sorta hard to keep things consistent... her appearance, the wonderland, her interactions. They sorta just glitch around when my imagination just runs wild, and I have no idea if that'll affect her, if it can be reverted, or if it's what she did. I'm getting a bit anxious and overwhelmed from all of this, and I hope I can get things figured out. Maybe I just need to give her some time to "absorb" more experiences. I really don't want to treat this like an artificial process, but I guess I'm just going to have to do that in order to get results more effectively... I don't know, I'll just act whatever I'll act upon I guess.

Also, she did tell me to change my steam profile information from "Feeling bad all at once" to "Elevation is wonderful" after several minutes of suggestions and revisions. Was it parroted? I really hope it wasn't. I avoid parroting by just keeping things silent, but it feels like I'm forcing her to be silent too, so... maybe I'm just not accepting that her voice is not under my command... it is in my head after all.

Also, new month, good luck to you guys who stumble across this sentence.

[ex ou]

Day Three: title - day three with a lil day two

 

At the end of second day, I got an actual verbal response from her. It caught me off guard a whole lot, I was sorta freaked out for several moments, but managed to calm down and accept it, as it meant progress and validity to this whole experience. I was just talking to her in my head, not really visualizing, just focused more on the talking. I came to the subject of my brother and talked a bit about him, and I heard a voice in my left ear saying "You don't like him" in a blunt-ish voice. It was audible, and I was like holy fuck, Chloe can talk. She said it in a sort of "yeah i get it i already knew this information beforehand" type of tone. I was starting to fall asleep as I was talking to her, and I heard her voiced response out of nowhere.

So today, I didn't really force anything, active of passively, until about... 12am when I got some of the high-task routinely things done. I find it much more effective to talk to her through focusing more on my voice more-so than visualizing. This gives us much more concentration since I'm not using a large chunk of my brainpower to simulate an environment with me, her, and constant movements.

However, I didn't really talk to her much today because I sorta started to doubt myself in this whole thing. Is this "right", will I become crazy, what if other things attack me, why am i suddenly scared of the dark, what if... blah blah. I started to lose her for a bit, and found the whole apologizing for "doubting your existence" sort of thing to be futile. So when I started to interact to her again a couple hours ago, I decided to talk to her, focusing on what I say instead of visualization. This reinforced my confidence in this whole situation as I started to get a headache (yeah i know, tulpa life) and remembered that this is how I got an actual response. I told her to hold onto my hand as to protect her from the terrible conditions of her wonderland, my doubts, and whatever else is holding us back. It's a struggle, but I'm here to tackle whatever is in my way head on. Sentient-being or not, I will be there for her to ensure that she becomes one.

[ex ou]

Day Five: yes i did miss day 4, I was on this site but i sorta forgot to log my entry

 

Lately, I haven't been paying much attention to her. We just sorta just exist, I'm getting to know her and well, we sorta know each other already since we inherit the same brain. I sorta read on the tips and tricks section about the whole parrotnoid shit, everyone's been getting it and I'm just glad I'm not the only one. I came to accept her much more, and so she just goes and talks whenever. It just feels like she's using up parts of my brain, making her seem like she's talking the way I sorta talk, but I'm confident that she'll get to her own style. Blah blah, shit probably gets discussed a whole lot on other reports, but whatever.

Passive forcing today. I give her attention, she responds by being present and attentive to my questions and what not. She answers, I answer back. Call and response, nothing much more to go into. Don't really want to log in what we discussed, it would be quite irrelevant in my opinion, I could just talk about how things go. Not like her interactions are important or anything, it's just that this is posted in a public space and I can't just go off willy nilly. I could, but I merely choose not to... for this moment at least. just a small rant or whatever

She has been placed a bit lower in my head, sadly. I still do doubt some of this stuff, I don't think she'll turn into a whole different person apart from my simliarities, making me see her as just a part of my imagination. Tulpers being made purely out of imagination is... made purely out of imagination and I just have to give myself time, as I said countless times. When in doubt, active force.

In the end, I could probably say that acceptance of your tulper's nonparrotness is more important than visualization.

[ex ou]

Day Six: title

 

I haven't done any sustained active forcing since like day one or day two. Every time I'm in bed, I tell her that we can finally go see each other in the wonderland and start doing shit like watching her draw numbers 0 to 100. She would get really excited, but I just end up doing something else that requires less thinking and energy like skimming through my phone pictures or watching youtube videos till I fall asleep.

I did find out that her favorite color is blue, particularly a lighter shaded blue than blue... idk the name. We watched Scott Pilgrim v the world and shit was awesome. We liked it. She just pops in and out of my mind as usual.

tldr: same shit as the previous two days, found out she likes blue

[ex ou]

Day Eight:

 

She sorta just left. Made me feel pretty bad. I neglected her and she just stopped. After some time she just appeared back and is just sleeping just as she was when I first created her. I'm still trying to work out the whole parrotnoid shit in my head cause I haven't really been "thinking correctly" when it comes to tulpaeing.

She's sleeping right now, but with the occasional glitching to various situations and reverting back. Can't really explain, but it's something due to my uncertainty of her actions being real or not. I'm getting a bit frustrated. For those reading, try to just live in the moment rather than worrying about the fundamentals, cause its sorta fucking me over.

 

A little brief on Day Seven (cause i missed it):

I was heading into starbucks and she told me to get a green tea frappe grande but I was like na I'ma get vinte. I drove back home with half the drink still in my cup. Got out, set the drink on the top of my car, then it tipped over and most of the drink spilled all over the dirty road. Maybe if I had listened to her this would have never happened. She rubbed it in my face for quite a bit.

[ex ou]

Day Thirteen:

 

Things have been okay, she was quite intimate yesterday for whatever reason. However, today wasn't so good. We went in some terrible conflict and she disappeared for some time. Now she just sleeps in her wonderland. I'm really worried about losing her at this point, cause I haven't been the best host.

[ex ou]

Day Fourteen:

 

After some time being alone, I decided to go and active force for a bit. I tore down my wonderland of a simple rooftop sunset to a cinematic-looking dim world lighting rooftop with things in it... there's an ocean and stuff. Can't really explain, but it's there and it's pretty awesome and relaxing to be in. Now, I only visualize the wonderland when I'm there in first person to reduce any uncertainties. What's there is there is basically what I'm getting at, and it has also boosted up my visualization and focus a whole lot. Two weeks have passed and I've learned that my belief system and mindset aren't really well-adjusted for this type of tulpa experience thing, but it has taught me to just let go and get lost in my ignorance. It's just the two of us with our backs to reality.

[ex ou]

Day Sixteen:

 

Before I went to sleep last night (4am), I decided to just go for an active force cause she was sorta urging me to. side note: I go into the wonderland through a door, in which there's a flight of stairs leading to the newly refurbished rooftop setting.

So I go in and she's just sitting on one of the steps. She missed me and I walked forward until some dark shadows tried to pull me back into the door, back into the real world. I was flopped onto my belly and I made everything vanish into an all white setting, then I reverted back to the rooftop place thing and the shadows were gone (really hard to describe without typing out a really long paragraph sorry). She took my hand and led me up the flight up stairs until we made it out on the rooftop entrance. She hugged me and said some other heartwarming shit, it was really cute. She pretty much bounced back some of the things I mentioned to her, stuff like how she cares about me and how I should do whatever I want even if it makes her jealous (she gets jealous quite a bit). A very understanding girl she is. Rather clingy, but supportive, I don't mind at all. So we just sat on a sofa with her head on my shoulder. She mentioned how much suffering I go through and how she admires how I'm able to put up with it. We just talked and whatever. Some time later, I get up and leave after giving her a hug and her telling me that she'll miss me. I'm 90% sure I slept after that, I don't think I even got to go through the door. I did not see her or the wonderland in my dreams though, so yeah. I asked her just now and she said that she carried me out (I just peeked through the door and asked her on the foot of the stairs, she's seems to be there a lot waiting for me). Figures why my dream was weird as fuck.

I'm able to visualize a lot better when it comes to transitioning between places, such as walking over to a sofa. Instead of just appearing on the sofa, I'm able to visualize myself walking toward it and sitting down with some sort of fluidity. Her voice sounded separate from my own mind during that session as well, however, we're still trying to find that definite voice that she'll keep.

[ex ou]

Day Eighteen:

 

Before I went to sleep last night (3am~), I dropped my phone and decided to go active force again. I decided to do it at least once every two days so she doesn't feel neglected.

So I peeked through the door to my wonderland and saw her crying with her head on her lap... arms wrapped around her legs that kind of crying, she was sitting on the steps. She thought I wasn't going to visit her that night cause I had my phone whipped out and she got pretty sad. So then I went over slowly and hugged her. (my memory of this whole experience is a bit foggy for some reason, it feels like I remembered it as a dream). I had to carry her up the stairs cause she couldn't really walk in the helpless condition she was in. We lay there on the sofa for a bit, until I go and walk up to the edge of the rooftop to view the ocean. She slowly trailed behind me until about halfway she got lifted up by some gigantic black wasp thing. It dropped her then picked her up and dropped her again due to some barrier that prevents her from passing through. She was crying again with her head down and I had to rush over to apologize. I don't remember what I said exactly, but it was about my sudden impulses in my imagination.

Not the best experience, my visualization was really foggy that time. I left the wonderland, but I don't remember how I left. It's surprising how easily I lost grip of this forcing session in terms of memory... as well as how my other sessions were floofy when I tried to recall them. As long as I live them, it's fine. She also confirms some of the things I forget as well, so that's also a plus. My forehead has been feeling lots of pressure during forcing lately too.