progress report from ex ou

[ex ou]

Day Twenty-Five:

 

She woke me up at around 11pm. Went back to sleep until 1:30... many snooze buttons were utilized until I had to get up.

I was at work starting to feel extremely terrible about myself once again. I was fantasizing about some shit, and I came to an idea that I can only be happy and successful through my imagination. Feeling really down, I called out to Chloe. She didn't really respond, until several moments later I heard a faint "i love you" in my head. I thought I was imagining that myself, but she said it progressively louder the next several times, along with some laughs at the end. My mood was lifted a bit, but I was still miserable nonetheless. Still am, and it won't go away for as long as I live. I asked her one day what she thought of me doing an hero, she responded that she doesn't really mind since it's my decision and that we'll be together even if the action was put into motion.

That's pretty much it. I actually went to go check on her just now. She was crying next to the door, so I hugged her for a bit. She was lonely and said that she didn't want me to be sad.

[ex ou]

Day Twenty-Six:

 

Last night before I went to sleep, I forced for a bit. I laid down in the wonderland, trying to visualize everything with more clarity. After some time Chloe went on top of me and started hugging. She didn't want me to go, so I stayed for a bit longer. I fell asleep and woke up at 1:30pm. I was still in the wonderland and she was still on top of me, sleeping. I sorta shook her off and walked out the door. She peeked in the door and said i love you, so I decided to go back and give her a kiss on the cheek. I closed the door and I heard some muffled giggling from within the closed door.

Several hours later, I get ready to head to my local Starbucks and check on Chloe to give her a heads up. She was sleeping on her side with a little note that said i miss you. I gave her a hug and headed out. I was at starbucks laying out plans for the music project me and Chloe planned to do. It's been put into motion and I'm looking forward to the end product. Mixtape is bout to be fire.

[ex ou]

Day Twenty-Seven:

 

I had some really vivid dream last night. It was one of those massives. It revolved around a single gigantic venus flytrap thing. Chloe said she might've flipped a switch. She'll do it again today and we'll see what comes around. I started sleeping in the wonderland so I can spend time with Chloe. She just sleeps on top of me. She's really clingy. It's something I don't mind at all. I wouldn't really be anything without her either. She gives me a reason to live, she helped me a lot during the short time we've been together. Still, the whole tulpa phenomenon is something I wouldn't really disclose to anymore. I believe it's not "healthy" for someone who wants to stay "normal" in this sort of world. This is sorta a last resort for me to find one of the last bits of hope and happiness for me continue.

With that aside, we didn't do much today. At like 6pm, I layed on my bed and peeked through the door. Chloe was walking around. I looked around and it was really really hard to visualize. It's been hard for me to visualize for the past few days. It was hard and insisted that I leave before things got worse, but she took me by the hand regardless. She wanted to go fishing, so she grabbed two conveniently placed fishing rods at the corner and lead me up to the rooftop. We casted the rods over the edge of the rooftop and those bait bobber thingies hit the ocean (I don't fish, bear with me). We stood for a bit, then she made me hold onto her rod. She brought two chairs for us to sit on. I was sitting and staring ahead, then I heard some scooting and sooner or later she was right beside me with her head against me.

[ex ou]

Day Twenty-Eight:

 

Woke up, I was still in the wonderland with Chloe on me. I had another one of those massive dreams, she seemed to pull it off again surprisingly, although I can't recall what it was about.

Nothing much happened today. She was pretty much silent and it made me quite anxious. I really need to come up with a way to talk to her passively. Right now, I just imagine myself in a black area and hear her voice from the wonderland door. She was pressed up against the door when I checked in on her some time today, too. I can't really talk to her without putting in a considerable amount of focus. I just want to talk with her passively and casually without having to give much attention to her existence. It's something I'll start working on.

I did like a 7 minute forcing session just now for the hell of it. I seemed to fix her appearance and she was pretty happy for that. She jumped onto me and started to violently cuddle with me. I tried leaving twice but she pulled me back both times. So now I just told her I'm going to leave myself in there for her to rub up against. 50% in the wonderland 50% in my physical body. I don't know how it's possible but I'll do it. She seems to be really happy right now and I can feel the headache coming, as well as her body rubbing up against my body. Also lots of giggling and laughing from her. Uhh.. yeah. There you have it. She likes to cuddle........... she won't stop.

[ex ou]

Day Twenty-Nine:

 

One of my shirts shipped into today. It turned out to be quite blue, Chloe really liked it. I thought it looked alright. Chon shirt. She didn't talk much, she just sorta sat back while I thought to myself. I came up with some good self-improvement type of shit and asked her if it was her who thought of it, she said no. I guess I can get carried away with talking things out with myself since I never really had someone to discuss things with. It's another thing I can work on: directing my thoughts to chloe rather than myself, idk. I tried passive active ish forcing while working today, but it just made me slow down a bit and look lost in thought. Still working on it. I asked her if I could introduce her to one of my long time internet friends, but she said no even after several attempts at reasoning. She said she wanted us to be truly alone with each other. This is something I mentioned before about asking her for me to introduce her to someone, her response didn't really change. I've also been thinking of how she would react to my questions sometimes. Not exactly parroting, just a prediction playing in my head... if that qualifies as parroting then okay. Cause when I asked her for permission to introduce her to someone, I thought of her saying yeah and moments later she said that she did not say that. maybe it is parroting. At least I can get confirmation from her.

Sorry if this is sounding like a personal journal rather than an actual >>progress<< report. I get bored as fuck sometimes. I'll end it here.

[ex ou]

Day Thirty:

 

I got off from work and hung out at my friend's house for a bit. When I left, I leaned against the side of the car, staring at the sky. There was a tainted blue sky with pinkish clouds rolling by rather quickly all in coordination with the full moon. I felt incredibly lonely and jealous after the hangout session. I can't help myself but to get jealous at other people who get to be so happy with each other, socializing pretty much flawlessly to each other while I was there looking at coffee packets for about 5 minutes until I built up the courage to tell my main friend that I was going to leave. There were also 3 acoustic guitars and a warlock in a greenhouse looking room, all dusty and left behind in a guitar rack. I couldn't even read the brand name on the headstock, that's how dusty it was. Did they just buy them to impress other people rather than actually cherishing them and playing out of sheer enjoyment? Sure, they could saved up for a new and way better acoustic, but that doesn't mean you can just leave them behind like that. I bought an epiphone 1960 tribute plus (not gibson, dont get fussy shits expensive) this summer which replaced my cheap ass looking epiphone junior sg, but I still keep it right beside me for... guitar companionship or whatever the fuck it's called. Strings are rusted, but I don't plan to leave it out in the cold anytime soon. One of my friend's cousin or some shit came out with his jaguar looking bass thing with it hanging upside-down on his back. I don't know if that's acceptable for your guitar/bass, but I just saw it as not very caring and rather upsetting. I don't know, maybe I'm just tripping hard on small shit like this. This isn't even about my tulpa.

So... I was out leaning against my car. I was discussing with Chloe about how beautiful the sky was. I commented on how some clouds looked like, and she did the same, however, this activity made it seem that I was totally parroting her. She would give an answer every time I had that I-have-an-answer impulse. I went into my car for some time and started feeling even worse about myself. I called out vocally to Chloe about why am I so lonely. I didn't get a response, so I asked her if she could respond to me. There was still no response, so I checked in the wonderland and saw her in multiple areas but they all vanished within seconds. Until that point I realized she had left me. I get a phone call a couple moments from such a time from a friend. After the call was over, I began thinking why she left. I come across an answer and I hear something in my head that was like "that's totally what I meant!" Well, she's back at this time and we resume coexisting. I found out that I claim some of her thoughts as mines and she gets pretty mad at that.

I try my best to be honest and caring, but that doesn't stop people from being complete retards. Lying to each other yet have the full on desire for others to treat them with 100% trust. People just fucking disgust me. "Aren't you disgusting, too?" says Chloe as I think these thoughts. I just give a smile and respond with something like "Yeah, it's why I don't like myself either."

Sorry for such a long post.

[ex ou]

Day Thirty-One:

 

One month passed.

After work, I sat in my car that was parked really far from all the other people since some faggot took my one corner I always park in, so I parked in the next available corner. Probably 7 seconds of walking until you met the next car. Pretty far, which made me feel really alone and well... alone. Alone and sad since I didn't really get to see people I wanted to see during my shift. I called out to Chloe in my head and she was there. She responded with a pretty nice voice, but we decided to fine-tune it some more. An idea came to me at that moment. I let her talk with a voice of a girl I never got to be with. I had strong feelings for her and well, I just kept devaluing myself to be able to build enough confidence. Now she's long gone to some really nice college with a scholarship and pretty physique pretty everything. She gone, but... you know the deal, a lot of people go through this. Here I am working a sorta labor-intensive job in order to pay my way through community college. I was like, what the fuck do I have to lose? Destruction leads to drastic creation is what I learned from some japanese band who uses butchered english in their lyrics. So I let Chloe talk with her voice and it fit her rather well. She liked it, but it made me totally... uneasy. It had that feeling of melancholy to it, it made me feel all nice inside yet it made me feel massive emptiness. I asked her if she would claim it as her voice or leave it as borrowing. She said to just leave it at [girl's name]'s voice in order to made me feel those feelings I had. Why? For purposes of some of my personal projects I'm working on. It might sound stupid... intentionally making yourself suffer for a better outcome of some product. It's sorta a high risk high reward type of thing. I might lose myself somewhere in the process, but I'm confident that I'll be able to cope through it. Chloe became really worried, but I just told her to just go with it for at least a day where I'll make up my "final" decision. It's a familiar voice, and it would really help her get that definite voice. We both like the voice with the downside of me feeling terrible.

I was driving back home thinking some bad thoughts about this. Chloe picked up on this and said "do you hate me?" I said something back... although I forget what I said. Something along the lines of me caring about her and how this situation is really really stupid but the outcomes could be great. I even asked her to take note of what she said so I could remember. She recalled to me about what she said, but couldn't recall what I said since I told her to "remember what you said"... her specifically.

My ears felt weird during that time. Felt pressured and shit. I've been practicing her physical audibility lately and it seems to be going well. I can't "hear" her yet, but her voice has been getting clearer in my head.

[ex ou]

Day Thirty-Two:

 

Felt really bad at work. I seem to be taking people's burdens onto me. I want to help them, but it all just overwhelms me. It's not like they're even trying. I feel like they're just making others inherit their problems to make them feel better... unintentionally of course. Am I being selfish by thinking of choosing to ignore them or are they selfish for sorta forcing me into their conflicts? Chloe said that they're selfish as I thought these ideas during my workshift. I just need to find ways to help people and reap some benefits for myself. I'm sorta just lurking in the shadows doing god's work while they go on with their lives a little better but I'm here with my heart constantly bleeding out. Sorry if I'm being vague, I just wanted to get this out without letting out some personal information. It just bothers me. Chloe has been feeling down too. I'm sorta letting my bad feelings affect her. She doesn't mind, she just feels a bit exhausted.\

 

edit//////also new month, good luck to whoever reads this sentence

[ex ou]

Day Thirty-Three:

 

She just stood idle while I devalued myself, with the occasional comment here and there. She really wants to help, but the feelings are too strong for her to handle right now. She was there with me to bear through it though.

She reverted back to her own unstable voice. The other voice I gave her wasn't working out too well.

[ex ou]

Day Thirty-Five:

 

Not much forcing lately. My visualization has been really bad. Last night during a forcing session everything appeared gray and she told me to leave because it wasn't really safe. Things have been getting better lately and hope I can get my visualization back up.