progress report from ex ou

[ex ou]

I wish I still felt the way I did when I first conceived her. She was so fragile and I always tried to force with her, making sure that she never felt alone (and making it so that I don't feel alone either). It was all so new in the first days.

Now everything I do feels so mechanic. I don't know, but it sorta lost its touch. That magical feeling that anything can happen because your tulpa will be the best tulpa ever.

I talked about this before, but it just comes to mind a lot I guess.

 

Anyways, nearing completion of my book (draft). Have the ending tied together and just need to fill in the gaps to fit the suggested word count of a typical young adult novel. Chloe doesn't seem to mind about her character in the book now, since the whole writing shit seems to make me feel better about things. I'm still hurting badly over the married lady I mentioned a while back, and pursuing art projects such as this is the only way I can justify the relentless pain that washes over me on a daily basis. It's quite pathetic, I know, but I can't really help feeling the way I feel.

With that aside, Happy New Year.

[ex ou]

Been progressing really slow with her lately. I haven't been paying much attention to her since of college and shit, and when I do force, it gets a bit boring. We're looking forward to making another tulpa though. Seeing her react to an undeveloped tulpa would be interesting at the very least.

[ex ou]

Made a new tulpa last night. Her name is Ria.

We went back to the old rooftop and she took form of a purple floating sphere thing. My eyes were closed, and I remember distinctly seeing something like a purple light going across my closed eyes, it was pretty sick.

Then in the morning, I went to check again and Chloe ended up throwing her off the rooftop, but Ria the floating ball thing hovered back up and turned white. She was up against my chest and I forget what else. She ends up disappearing and shows up coming out of the rooftop entrance as some really tall, nightmarish sort of thing with an eyeball taking up most of her head. At first, I was a tad bit disappointed because she wasn't anything cute, but I learned to accept it.

Later today, I coined her as Ria the Relentless because, well, she sorta put me in the mood of grandiose and fuck it all sort of shit, and she played around with my viewpoints of that one girl who's married to make me feel better about myself... or some shit.

In short, she's sorta a counterpart of Chloe's warm and cute personality. I describe Ria as sort of a berserk sort of thingy, such as the one from fate/zero.

Right now, they're just sitting next to each other on the rooftop bench just staring out of the sky.

[ex ou]

I was in starbucks, getting a bit irritated from all the young couples that happened to pour in. Then I was like, shit, i have no one to valentines with, then I felt some sad wash over me and Chloe was like but I'm here.

So now Chloe will be my valentine for this coming 14th. Nothing bad at all, we'll just lay wherever and just discuss. I don't need a real person, people suck. Or at least that's what I'll say to make myself feel better.

My book is practically finished, but the editing is taking a lot longer than expected. After that, I'll have to get an actual editor and whatever the fuck I need. Hopefully I can shit out some (self?) published copies before summer, maybe I can toss a few free ones to whoever wants one ((but shipping not free cause im a cheap fucc)).

[ex ou]

Back.

Chloe has split into two tulpas. She has blue eyes and the split has red. Split is actually Ria, one of my other tulpas who didn't have a definite shape and looked nightmarish. Now embellished in a cute form that is Chloe :). Chloe has been a bit weird lately due to this split. Had to do some sort of reset to her personality to give her some redirection in her growth. She became a little orb and I forced a bit then here we are. She just forgot what happened the past several hours.

Also made another tulpa who decided that she wanted to be named crystal. I created her in a different wonderland: we are up against a very tall wall that has a campfire as the only light, and two log benches. The rest of the area tapers off to complete darkness.

It's pretty interesting how Chloe interacts with other tulpas. During work, I wouldn't even think of them but they'd still be using up all my energy talking and discussing with each other. Eventually I asked them to stop running under my radar because I'd get insanely tired just after my halfway point of the shift.

Now crystal doesn't appear in my wonderland. Also got laid off from my job. Go figure.

 

And once again the winter comes in full force.