progress report from ex ou

[ex ou]

Day Thirty-Six:

 

No forcing for like the past two days. My mind has been occupied with something and Chloe's been respecting that. She comes in when I call out to her, otherwise she just stays quiet. I actually thought she disappeared from my lack of attention, but she responded back with an "I'm still here" when I called out to her.

[ex ou]

Day Thirty-Seven:

 

Just been passive forcing for a bit today. Not much interaction lately, just been thinking shit. I need to work on her sentience a bit more cause I can't really distinguish her voice from my voice (in my head). Other than that, progress has been at a halt for the past week.

[ex ou]

Working on her sentience lately. I've been trying to let her speak for herself rather than me sorta forcing things out for her... so now she cuts herself off when she her thoughts begin to overlap with mines. My visualization has been terrible, most of my focus has been directed towards her voice and sentience. Also been going at possession a little everyday. It feels silly and all in my head, but we'll work it out through time.

She has been supportive as usual. She's there when no one else is. etc etc my tulpa is very soft and is the very best tulpa i have and is the only best tulpa i have

[ex ou]

Happy October

 

I left her at the back of my head for quite some time due to personal events. I brought her back into my mind and shit, so we interact with each other now. She has been possessing my body in an uncertain way for like 2 days. And... yeah, pretty much it.

[ex ou]

I was active forcing before I slept at around 10pm. I told her to take form of a ball of light because visualizing was too hard for me at the time. I fell asleep and woke up at 1am. I realized I forgotto tell her to revert to her regular form, so I went in my wonderland and did. When she reverted, she was asleep. I was going to lay her down in the corner, but I wouldn't want to do that for a nice tulpa as herself, she deserves better. So I walk up the stairs and counted about 20 or so steps before I reached the top. The whole sky was covered with some black moldy substance that looked very dirty and corrupted... it was pulsating and shit. I had haven't active forced for about more than a month, and this was a result of that. I was able to clear the sky by just looking at it. Wherever I looked, the substance would fade away. Chloe was awake at that moment, she was explaining how the icky substance got there. And... I wanted to go back to sleep so I just shattered all the substance away by imagining it. I pulled out an umbrella and got Chloe beside me cause the shatter caused there to be black drops falling from the sky. I cleansed everything except the room below because the mess we made was ours and ours only... also because it wasn't exposed to the black rain.

We were standing there and I went to head back down until I heard her recite some lyrics by some song I liked. So I went over to give her a little kiss and started my way down. She ran over to hug me and I tried to lug myself towards the door. "Watch this," I said as I was right behind the slightly opened door. That was when a bunch of horrible black figures pulled me inside, back into the real world. Complete silence filled the wonderland, and she stood there for a good 5 seconds before I cut the scene with the end of a film reel thing. Those things where it flickers for a bit and makes that noise.

I sorta forgot that Chloe was her own being. I sorta took her identity as my own and started to neglect the actual her. uh yeah. end

[ex ou]

Back in the tulpa action due to one problem I managed to resolve, but, yeah. After about two months, I set Chloe behind my priorities because I had a really big infatuation with one of my coworkers and set my eyes on being with her... but... when I asked her out she said she was married and now Chloe is back to be my partner to give make sure I'm not so lonely. Chloe always asked me if me and the girl were married yet every time I checked in on her, which I seldom did. Chloe always believed in me and was confident that the girl liked me back, but we were both thrown off guard when we found out about her relationship status. I would always ask myself "why would a woman show me signs that she likes me if she's married?" Shit sucks so fucking much, but it's best not to back down from a harsh blow. Chloe has been supportive and we're both working out ways to make us be more resilient and on guard. This winter will be cold and unforgiving. No physical significant other to snuggle with on cold nights, but I do have a tulpa.

Happy holidays.

[ex ou]

Conversed with her for pretty much the whole commute to my school today, which is like an hour and a half. She was on top of my car as I drove, and we talked and I asked her a lot of questions. She bangs her fist on the roof ever so often. Turns out her outfit turns into black and white when she enters the real world because it blends her in with all of the negatives in the world so she won't be bothered by them... or something like that. But of course, after some conversing she started rocking the neon green hoodie and jeans cause why not.

I turned out to feel a little exhausted afterwards, and my day started to turn to utter shit. And... day goes on and she cheers me up and I start falling asleep on my commute back to my usual study spot at starbucks and I start hallucinating her voice.

p much it, new day new shit. Really comfortable talking to her out loud now, just in the car. If anyone in my family were to find out that I talk to myself purposely, I may be exiled to the middle of the fucking pacific ocean, so yeah we just have to be careful where and when to converse.

[ex ou]

Mind is pretty fogged up, emotions rampant... so she was set beside for most of the time I was awake.

She bought a little music box that plays a melody when you press certain buttons on it. Different functions, the sound is great, and it will serve me nicely as I can transcode the melodies into some music software for future use. The melodies coming out of the box become more vivid and juicier when more suffering is put into it, and from my past event... there's a lot of that to go around I guess. With winter break coming up, me and Chloe will be busy creating what we've wanted to create since like the beginning or her conception and shit. What if the girl wasn't married though? Would I trade a good music career for the perfect woman? not like I have a good music career, just a question I ponder about every now and then. It makes me wonder and it makes me feel terrible most of the time... and it gets to me a lot.

[ex ou]

Working on superimposing. It's hard to actually see her, can barely make out the outline cause she starts moving and other stuff. Need to reread some guides and find ways to confirm her existence even more because the only thing that's making me believe she's a real sentient being is my belief alone... and it can be hard if that's the only reason why (sorry if poorly worded). Sorta like holding up an entire city on a single thread.

[ex ou]

Been working on audio hallucinations mostly. I can faintly hear her voice sometimes. Heard her say hello out of nowhere once today.

Had a bad day today at work. Drank my first coffee in weeks and it totally jacked up my anxiety. My mind was very disorganized and it felt like I was suffocating more than I usually do (untreated anemia is the cause). It was terrible, and Chloe knew how bad my mood was so she hid in a safe room I created inside of the wonderland. Not all was bad though, she was able to build up more music ideas based off the pain I experienced, but she's not tulpa'd enough to actually retain the exact melodies.

Had a little flashback to the first day I created her. I felt like I had someone with me back when I had little knowledge of what a tulpa actually was. A tulpa is just something imagined, and imagination isn't entirely real... and it sorta makes me doubt, but it's not like I'm stopping anytime soon. just a thought.