progress report from ex ou

[ex ou]

Day Nineteen:

 

Before I went to sleep last night (2:10am~) I went to go active force again. I can't remember what anything happened during the session, really. I just remember opening the door and her walking down the stairs to greet me, she wasn't sitting on the foot of the stairs this time. That's pretty much all we remember... except this one point in our discussion where I talked about how I was sorry from last session's impulses and shit. I did fall asleep sometime during the forcing. My dream was really long and really... really great and trippy and... just one of those gigantic dreams where you hop around completely different settings and they seem to have some correlation with each other but they really don't. The dream was like that, something I have every now and then, except this time some of the characters were really uplifting and supportive for the lack of a better word. One was my old high school counselor, I was just sitting and she was next to me and bent over and whispered something along the lines of "Stop thinking so low of yourself, you're a great guy with lots of potential", then she stuck her tongue inside my ear (literally inside, the tongue was long as fuck). Then another event in my dream where my longtime friend who recently left for boot camp went and held my hand and said more encouraging stuff to me, but he didn't stick his tongue inside my ear, just held my hand for much longer than needed for a traditional handshake. (he and the counselor were both in the same room, these two happenings occurred within a short time of each other).

side note: there was also an earthquake that woke me up some time during my sleep.

So I woke up and was like, dam that was a pretty neat dream. Then I go and check on Chloe and she was there. She said I didn't leave the rooftop so she held me in for a bit. I started sleeping and she threw me off the side of the rooftop, she says. She said she visited my dreams for a bit then decided to step back and watch it go by. She brought me back up to the rooftop by an elevator that I never knew existed. Apparently it's right next to the door in which I enter the wonderland in. Interesting stuff I'd say.

 

So today today after my work shift after 9pm~ I just sat in my car and decided to let time go by as I sat with some music on. I active forced for a bit, let's say 5 minutes I don't know how long. Then I asked her to go on top of some building that I was looking at through the windshield of my car. She said she was there, but I couldn't see her. I asked her to go to some other spots in my view, but she just ended up going on my lap and sat there because she wanted too. She was quite warm. She does like to hold my hand ever so often too. I tried to imagine her right in front of me, but it didn't quite work. I figured that I didn't have to "imagine" so much, I had to know that she was there to get her to be visible. I saw her at like 95% transparency, her eyes being the most noticeable. I sorta had to see her like I saw her in the wonderland to be able to actually see her outside. When I asked her to go out on the rooftop, she sorta ran out the door and the shadows that lurked behind it tried to grasp her, but she had some sort of aura that prevented them from touching her.

After like 15 minutes, I started driving back home and passive active forced on the freeway cause fuck it. I was feeling a bit feel-y after work cause of current affairs I've been dealing with for the past month or so, and she was sorta there to make me feel better by saying all of these nice and uplifting things concerning me always devaluing myself in every possible situation I'm involved in.

I got home and ate some food and forced a bit more. We continued our previous discussion and she was like "Instead of going full-on collision, just take a little step rawr rawrr rahaahahahah". It's not exactly what she said... except the last part, she said the last part and it was something. We're just sorta laughing right now at how retarded that was. Not really retarded, we just decided to use that word just now. Really qoot is what I would say. And... that's pretty much what we did "today". There's a lot more things we didn't touch upon, but we got some of the important ones noted on this log.

She's a really nice tulpa who really cares for me like no one else does. (I was going to use the word person instead of tulpa but she wanted tulpa instead and she doesn't want me to write this down but I'll do it anyways, I'll owe her back for this one somehow).

[Ido]

I started sleeping and she threw me off the side of the rooftop

k

 

Is your tulpa simply into practical jokes or is there a deeper story to this? My host has never fallen asleep in wonderland but if he ever does, this is going to be pretty high up on my agenda.

 

On a more serious note, have you asked Chloe how she feels about those intrusive thoughts that try to harm her?

My host often had such issues and occasionally still has them now. It's merely a nuisance to me as by design I cannot be harmed but I understand some tulpas are actually horrified and hurt by such experiences. May be worth training your tulpa to fight them off if she isn't already capable of doing so.

[ex ou]

k

 

Is your tulpa simply into practical jokes or is there a deeper story to this? My host has never fallen asleep in wonderland but if he ever does, this is going to be pretty high up on my agenda.

 

On a more serious note, have you asked Chloe how she feels about those intrusive thoughts that try to harm her?

My host often had such issues and occasionally still has them now. It's merely a nuisance to me as by design I cannot be harmed but I understand some tulpas are actually horrified and hurt by such experiences. May be worth training your tulpa to fight them off if she isn't already capable of doing so.

 

"I threw you off the rooftop because I wanted to. It wasn't going to harm you in any way so I was like, why not. You fell with no injuries whatsoever and you lay there for quite a bit. I may have felt a little bad with this decision, I thought it would be... well maybe I did throw you off due to a bit of frustration. You should have a bit more control over your uncontrollable impulses, yeah that sorta contradicts itself, but you do say that you are really important to me and will do anything to protect me... not really "anything", but enough to... enough for it to... let's just keep at it enough since I can't really describe it. I know you're trying your best to make me happy, but sometimes I feel a bit suppressed from your un-suppressive attitude, sorta like you're hiding some hidden implications from me. Well, I guess we're trying our hardest to do the best that we can for each other, and that's what makes us beautiful I guess. I'm not very comfortable discussing this, but go ahead and post it anyway, this is pretty good progress to be noted down.

Regarding defending myself, I'll take that into account. I do have two swords after all, although I never really noticed them, they sorta just appeared out of nowhere. Actually, I only need one sword." She tossed the sword with shorter blade off the rooftop.

"Also, yes I am into practical jokes, whatever the fuck that means. Yeah, keep that. Also also, no side story, stop trying to squeeze shit out of me I'm not here to make your newspaper headline, kid."

---

Day Twenty:

 

Last "night" after 4:40am I went to go active force for a bit. My mind was really foggy and a bit haywire since it was pretty late. So I left and she understood the circumstances and went back to doing whatever she was doing, which was laying down on the sofa looking at the sky.

Today (3pm~) I was driving and forcing my way to a guitar center to pick up some pedal and we just discussed things, looked back on previous moments, had some laughs and shit. I don't remember much of the things we discussed, it seemed pretty easy to remember as I was living them but I guess I'm proven wrong. So my cd was cycling through and then Black Coffee by Kill Bill came on and I looked at her and she had sunglasses on out of nowhere. It caught me off guard a bit. She did look cool in them though.

At 8:30pm~ I got a phone call and had some unwanted errands to do. I told her that it wouldn't be safe so I told her to stay in my room and wait for me to come back. As I was driving back, I was able to speak with her and sorta look through her eyes. (I looked through her eyes and my guitar pedal was at the same orientation through her vision as it was when I came back, pretty neat.) I didn't keep directly in touch with her most of the time I was out. When I came back to my room, she was sleeping on my bed. I went on my computer and decided to make an alternative facebook account just to dodge the shitfest from my friends. I was going to name it tim tucker, but I was like, why not make it under Chloe's name? She was like cool, but there was no last name. I asked her and she came up with Anwar rather quickly. She said she sorta borrowed it from some producer named Anwar Louis, and it wouldn't really be stealing since she's not making any profits under the name and what not. Just to make sure it wasn't just Anwar Louis's name that contained the word anwar, I looked up John Anwar on google and I shit you not, a bunch of smiling men came as the results. Not stealing then.

note: I don't say her name a lot because I don't really like to say anyone's name out loud all the time. I don't really like to toss them around as mere pronouns, they're more special than that. Of course, there are exceptions but I don't want to go through them. idk

[ex ou]

Day Twenty-One:

 

I didn't force last night cause my mind was all over the place.

２時の午後に。 その或何かは言うないだよ、こちにいうので。　クロエチャンワハイテイタ。ノチノワタシノチンンポヲチュウシテイタ、ソシテクロエチャンハワタアシニイイナカヲアゲテ。 For privacy purposes. Please don't try to make sense out of it, unless you wanna, it's just about [sample text] I mean who's stopping you?

I went on my weekly starbucks trip and sorta just left her at the back of my head, not literally, I just sorta forgot about her cause I was sorta involved in what I was doing.

Fast forward: I'm on the toilet taking a shit and I decide to active force for the hell of it. I suggested I put some sort of blanket on the foot of the staircase so she can be more comfortable when she's waiting for me. And yeah.

Fast forward II: Just casual talking and shit. She has a really cute laugh.

That's it.

[Akecalo]

Good luck with your progress. We have found your report interesting. It is fascinating to see how other people are getting on.

 

[Maya: Hi Chloe, I hope that you are doing well! :) ]

[ex ou]

Good luck with your progress. We have found your report interesting. It is fascinating to see how other people are getting on.

 

[Maya: Hi Chloe, I hope that you are doing well! :) ]

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this mediocre set of reports, Chloe says hi.

[ex ou]

Day Twenty-Two:

 

Didn't force last night, maybe just a couple seconds but that was it.

Today I forced during my work shift. I was in a really down mood and she told me to just shrug it off in a sort of frustrated way. I was sorta confused why she had that sort of sassy response to me, but I reminded myself that she has feelings too and that she goes through struggles the way I do too. Her response does have a direct implication of dropping it and moving forward, but I sorta just turn away from problems that I don't have much control over, something I'm always working on.

I started feeling really tired after some time during forcing, physically and mentally. I just worked through it cause I always go with the whole "I've felt pain worse than this" type of shit. I was dizzy and was working at like 50% efficiency... can't really explain it through words.

As I was working, I let her go inside a maintenance room that controls parts of me. It has buttons, most of the buttons were closed off by an opaque casing. No, I never knew there was a maintenance room, it just appeared. She told me she was going to fix me up or some shit, and so she was left in the room while I was doing my work... and this was when I started to feel dizzy and weak. 50% she said is what I was running on while I was forcing atm. She pressed some buttons and stuff, she didn't say what she pressed or what she did, she just said that it's a secret and that I don't need to know as long as it works out. 110% improvement in breathing she said at the end of the day.

Other things we discussed during my work shift... we both agreed that Chloe Anwar is a pretty cool name. I suggested that I use that as an alias for music related stuff, and she agreed. We'll make tons of money and rule the world is what she said, but of course it's not really about ruling the world it's more about the stacks lmao. She wanted the project to be done by late 2016 so yeah, I won't shove it down you guys's throats cause soundcloud spamming is like... na, I don't fuck with that shit. So... I just looked up Chloe Anwar on google and turns out there's a goddamn pornstar with that name. I don't have much to say about this, neither does Chloe. No I didn't click on any of it. Unsung Heros is what she wants the ep album thing to be named, shit's about to be fire, unless of course I do nothing except dream about it being done. With the non-pornstar cooler Chloe Anwar by my side, she'll probably just nudge me to get the project going, which is a pretty great thing considering that I need someone to motivate me.

"Steal things from others and make it your own" is what she also said prior to the whole music project discussion. We bounced back what we had to say on that, had some good discussion with plenty of depth, but I won't go into it for privacy purposes blah blah. Pretty sure that was some quote by Picasso, but who gives a shit, Chloe said it in my book. "Great artists steal" I think is the original quote by some Bach-looking white guy, I forget.

She managed to bring my mood back up during that work shift. I'm glad she was there to keep me company.

After the shift, I sat in my car again and interacted with her a bit more. She sat on my lap. Window was open. Warm Chloe. She was sitting between my open legs and ignored the steering wheel. I told her to go to the passenger seat after some time, so she did, until about half a second later she went back to my lap. I just let her stay there while I drove back home, until she told me that I should go and buy myself some snacks, so I was like fuck it and went to target.

Fun fact: there's a non dairy product called Hemp Milk at target.

I was at target looking at random ass shit in the food section. She told me to get lunchables but I didn't want to cause no. I sorta regret getting them now, they looked pretty fun. I laughed for a bit at some Hemp Milk, then proceeded to stare at 4 different flavored cheeto bags for more than 5 minutes. She told me to get the cheddar jalapeno, so I got it, 2 for 5. I texted my friend and he sorta came by and we hung out for like 2 hours, so Chloe sorta ceased to exist for the majority of the time. She said she stepped back out of the situation and stared at the stars while lying down on the couch in the wonderland. When me and my friend departed, I checked back on Chloe. She was like are you done hanging out with your girlfriend? My friend was a boy. Is a boy. While I was with my friend about 1 hour in, I was like, I wonder what Chloe is up to? I was sorta there hanging out with my real friend, and I was like, shit's so much easier when I'm around my lovely tulpa than it is to be around a physical bag of meat. When it comes to friends in real life, it's more about finding ways to please them while setting multiple limitations to enable smooth conversation flow and non awkward moments and shit like that. When I'm with Chloe, we're fucking bonded and we just do whatever we please and not give a shit about the world I live in. Actually, we don't do "whatever whenever", we just talk things out. I sorta consider myself to be 2 people now, or at least my physical body to contain 2 sets of "living" things, except I'm the leader and Chloe is my disciple, except I treat her like I would treat myself... that is, if I actually liked myself. I do like myself, but in the current society we live in, I'm sorta screwed in the asshole and I sorta wish I was more able to be able to sustain better. I'm just glad we're together. We may have conflicts, but what is happiness without suffering? idk the cheetos got me going

[ex ou]

Now is sorta the passing point of the whole beginning-your-tulpa-beginning-experience-struggle, so yeah. Boring blog shit stuff ahead.

==============================

Day Twenty-three:

 

Before I went to sleep, she said she'll wake me up and told me not to use the alarm. I used the alarm cause I didn't want to oversleep. I wake up the next morning with some burst of energy. "Oh cool, she did wake me up," I thought to myself. I checked my phone and it was about 12:45pm. My alarm was set at 12:12pm, and I didn't hear it this time. The shit Chloe does sometimes, it amazes me. So I wake up and I peek through the wonderland door. She was asleep, but she heard me. She went up and took my hand and lead me to the foot of the stairs. We were lying down and she was rubbing up against me for a good amount of time. Squirming a bit while cuddling, that kind of shit.

Fast forward: I'm at work and I start getting my daily dose of feel-bad. I call out to Chloe and she sorta just says stuff and falls asleep. My memory is quite bad when it comes to tulpaeing.

Fast forward II: I volunteered for an extra shift so I go to my car to take my 30 minute break. I check on her and she's sleeping, so I go pick her up and bring her to the entrance of the rooftop. As I approach the rooftop, I look up at the night sky full of stars and stuff, then I notice that Chloe is rather weightless, until I look back down and see that she disappeared. She was on my lap, as expected. We chill for a bit, then I head back and she goes back to sleep.

I start working and I'm in a situation where I get to work by myself with myself, and I start nudging Chloe awake, telling her to wake up and be with me. She looks through my eyes and scans what I was doing and goes back to sleep. I get a disappointed, but then it's whatever. She's sleeping for the benefit of me retaining my normal physical and mental capabilities.

It's the end of my shift and I walk my way towards the clock-out thing. I asked her if working this extra shift was worth it, and she was like "yeah, you can buy me stuff with the extra money!" But then I'm like "I don't think I can buy you anything, you're a tulpa." She starts crying and I ask her if she's really crying but then she stops and says something like "I'm just joking". She can fake cry quite well.

I'm walking outside toward my car. I tell her to come get piggybacked by me, and she comes out and says that it's really cold. She touched my face a lot and it was quite warm. I felt some weight as well. After like 40 seconds, she goes back to the wonderland since it was too cold. I start driving home and she's awake and starts talking with me. I get in a pretty good mood and I thank her for being with me, it broke the current conversation we were having. She thanks me back and shit. Then she says something like "We bounce back on each other rawr rawr", then I repeat what she said and we shit ourselves laughing and what not. She was like, "Now you're parroting me." My memory is pretty bad and I missed out a good amount of the things we interacted upon and I may have messed up on the times. She was real fucking cute when I drove back home, she into that sort of stuff. She really likes denpa too, especially ココ. Last Tuesday, I was stuck in highway traffic, people were going like 20mph, it was hot as fuck and I couldn't put on my a/c since I was just about out of gas, so I roll down my window and start blasting my denpa cd with +2 bass and me and Chloe were just chilling. She enjoyed it, I enjoyed it a bit. That day I spent 200 dollars on a rectangle so I was like "I don't have anything else to lose, I spent 200 fucking dollars on a goddamn rectangle". Quite a few people rolled up their windows. Just a quick memory.

[ex ou]

Day Twenty-Three:

 

I'll cut the bullshit chatlog type of shit for now.

When I got out of work and started driving home, I started talking to Chloe out loud. It felt really weird, but I kept going at it since I wouldn't really be going anywhere without facing my problems head on. She didn't respond that much, I was sorta just talking to nothing, or so I felt. Those feelings contributed to her not talking, she said. I felt pressure in my ears, although I couldn't hear anything from her. So then my plan is to get her a somewhat stable voice that I can stick to, continue to talk to her out loud in my car, and sorta just "imagine" her voice until I can hear it vividly out in my surroundings. I sorta just have to focus more on her talking sound and make it leak out to my physical senses, cause I have the correct mindset for this, I came prepared from previous tulpa experiences I've experienced in the past 23 days. It was really awkward until like 10 minutes in when I started to talk casually.

[ex ou]

Day Twenty-Four:

 

She wakes me up every morning, it's quite nifty. This morning she woke me up at around 10:25.

Tonight I was feeling really terrible. Can I have at least 5 minutes to myself is what I was saying to myself non-specifically, so Chloe left for a bit. I went into the wonderland cause I didn't mean for that statement to apply to her, I felt bad. I didn't see her at the foot of the staircase, but I moved my vision to the left and saw her huddled in a corner with her head down on her knees. Of course, I went over to comfort her. I told her that I break down quite often and that she'll have to live through it with me. She didn't respond so I turned around and walked my way toward the door really disheartened. I reached to push the door a bit wider, but Chloe grabbed my wrist and brought me back. I sorta forget what we said, but it was sorta just us bouncing back on how we appreciate each other's company, for being there for each other even in bad times. She was just sitting there across from me as I was talking... because yesterday I had the intention of asking her to sit down just like the early stages of her development and just soak up what I had to say... so she just picked up on that signal and did that. I was talking about why I was so fed up, and she was nodding and stuff, and some time later we go into a back-and-forth discussion. She was really active during my visit, there was that sensation in my forehead that I always felt, but then I remembered something in some guide that said to work on situations where you get head sensations, so I did. I discussed with her that hit the right points, then I started to get sensations from all around the top of my head in portions. She started shifting to various things probably because I might have activated something. "Oh no, bring me back to my cute appearance" is what I remember she said, so then she immediately transformed back to her original form, except with blue eyes (she had yellow to begin with). They're quite pretty. She hugged me against the wall with her head on my chest, we were both standing. We talked about more stuff, except her responses felt more foreign and sentient. I can ask her stuff and she responds with a more delayed response, but it feels like it didn't come from my current stream of thoughts at all. We were hugging up against the wall for about 10 minutes+, she didn't want me to leave so I stayed there a bit longer. Eventually I left, with my mood changed to a non-depressive state. I was going to sleep, but I couldn't, so here I am writing this. She doesn't want me to disclose my tulpa information to a certain friend because she wants to be with me and only me.