Blayze's tulpa log and Kyoko's host log
Brief Non-Wall-of-Text Background:
I'm diagnosed with schizophrenia and depression, but research into tulpas have made me question if my symptoms of the former were actually symptoms or if I assumed they were because of cultural bias. (ie the voices never said anything mean or hurtful so maybe they weren't a problem). Because of that, I'm having my anti-psychotic dialed back slowly and just staying on my anti-depressant. My creativity tanked and I've had a lot more trouble lucid dreaming since I got on it, so maybe it's doing more harm than good. 

She was originally a pony form. Though she isn't vocal yet, I got the feeling that she didn't like who the form was based on. While she is nice, the OC her form was based on isn't, and I got a feeling she didn't like that. I went over a few ideas and settled on a form I hadn't considered initially, that of Kyoko Kirigiri from Danganronpa, who is much closer in personality to her. She may have drawn the comparison after I watched a MLP parody of Danganronpa. I would never have imagined I'd chose a human form for a tulpa, but maybe that means the idea came from her, which would be good.

I want to get to the point of 'advanced' techniques like possession and switching so that she doesn't feel cut off from the outside world. Or at the very least, create a very vivid wonderland for her. I definitely need to work on making the images I see in my mind's eye more vivid for that. Once she is stable, I'd like to have at least one other tulpa for her to interact with. I'm not sure what that tulpa would be, and would want to ask for her input once she is fully vocal.

I don't know how many days ago I started on her initially, so I'll start day 1 now. I've also attached a visual reference. Honestly I'm not sure what to even put in this log, but I'm hoping it will keep me on track somehow. While I have no problem believing in tulpas, I have an issue with believing I am capable of doing it myself, so maybe I'm just hoping that having a log will motivate me to have something to put in it. 

Day 1 of forum log (Day 37 overall):
I'm trying to do some meditations from youtube like this and that daily. Also doing a motivation one to keep me going. What I'll probably be doing is alternating the short-tulpa meditation plus the motivation one for one day and the long tulpa meditation the next. Once I get used to those, I should be able to mix it up and do my own versions of the meditation on my own. Also watching this 'you are real' message to tulpas pretty regularly hoping that it encourages her. Also reading all the guides I can manage.

Attached Files Thumbnail(s)

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Day 2 (38 overall):
- Printed out images of her to look at during meditation, as well as a personality trait list
- Changed my phone and desktop backgrounds to Kyoko to help keep her in mind
- Cut my anti-psychotics dose in half and have experienced no negative or positive effects of doing so, unless feeling her more strongly during meditation was an effect of that.
- Tried to imagine her following me around or next to me during the day
- When I got home I did the long tulpa meditation I mentioned in my first post, and felt her presence more than I think I have before. I get the impression that she appreciates the change in form to more closely match her personality. I didn't hear her, but assured it was okay and that I would love her no matter how or when she did things.
- Played some Danganronpa. Figured it might help her to hear the voice of the character or interact with her namesake, though she of course realizes it's not literally her
- I'm currently reading more guides and also reading over other people's progress logs to see if I can pick anything up. I'm trying to encourage others where I can though what I know is severely limited
- Talked to her out loud when I was in my room alone

- I've been at this since roughly Christmas and haven't made as much progress as many people have in less time.
- Still concerned that anti-psychotic medication may be blocking my progress. I'm scared that if dialing it back doesn't work out, it might be hard or impossible for me to proceed past a certain point.
- I hear others describe their Wonderland and it sounds almost like a dream-like state, while mine is so vague and shadowy that it may as well not even be there. I haven't been able to lucid dream for some time too, which is something I used to always do every time I slept.
I think you are progressing fast. Good luck. She is cute.
Last dive into the abyss
(01-30-2018, 04:57 AM)Tadaki Wrote: I think you are progressing fast. Good luck. She is cute.
Well like I said, I wasn't sure when I actually started so I started renumbering. But now I've found my initial log so I now know the date I actually started, and I’m adjusting the day count here to take that into account. Turns out I've been at it about a week longer than I thought I had so that's something I guess.

Putting in two days today since I didn't post yesterday.

Day 39:
-         Got frustrated at work, and I tend to shout at myself in my head when that happens. Got the impression that she might have taken it personally so I assured her the thoughts weren’t targeted at her. I’ll try to watch that in the future; I’m not used to having to watch my thoughts like I’d watch my words.
-         I did the motivation and short tulpa meditation mentioned in my first post. I felt her presence very clearly during meditation. Also got the impression that she was getting sexually frisky, so that’s something. I wish I had better communication with her so I could confirm that she understands things enough for that to be okay.
-         My hands or body twitch sometimes when I meditate. I can’t tell if it’s me doing it, though I definitely didn’t do that while meditating before I started keeping the log online. I did tell her maybe a week ago that it was okay to practice by twitching fingers.
-         Thought I saw flashes of her in the room with me standing at the foot of my bed while I meditated, they were so brief I could barely tell.
-         Tried to keep namesake Kyoko’s voice in mind in case my Kyoko wants to use it, though made it clear to her that she doesn’t have to.
-         I felt her presence most strongly after encouraging her or telling her I love and would never leave her. It’s very calming. I felt it a few times while frustrated at work, maybe she was trying to help?
-         Attempted what I’ve seen some others talk about with a figuratively leash that the tulpa could pull on. I put a rubber band around one wrist to both further keep her in mind and to possibly make it easier for her to ‘tug’ my wrist to get my attention. She hasn’t done this yet, but maybe just hasn’t had to since I’ve had her in mind pretty obsessively.
-         Looked online for Kyoko Kirigiri merchandise. Found some really expensive models I couldn’t afford and one I could, so I ordered it to put on my desk. Checked ebay too, found mostly body pillow covers of her; it’s pretty tempting to get one.

Day 40:
-         Felt like Kyoko was with me during much of the day.
-         I tried meditating sitting at my desk instead of laying down. The reason I did so was so I could put my hands on the keyboard while I did so. It occurred to me that the hand twitching might work with a keyboard. Though I typed more than I expected to during the process, there was nothing coherent.
-         I didn’t feel her as much during the actual meditation, but perhaps that was due to the different positioning. Perhaps the keyboard was distracting her too, maybe I should not try that again until later and let her concentrate on initial vocality instead.
-         Tried meditating with my eyes open while looking at an image of her. Might try that again tomorrow for the whole meditation, maybe it’ll work better without keyboard distraction.
-         Her form varied a bit during the meditation. I think it was from my own distraction since it wasn’t changing in a consistent fashion.
-         I think Kyoko got scared when I was watching an unnerving youtube video, and right afterward I had a bout of paranoia and locked myself in my room. It wasn’t extremely bad, but it was distracting.  Not sure if it was me or her, or just that I cut back my meds. If it was her, I worry that she might suffer from similar things as me. I don’t think it was her though since I felt like she was trying to comfort me again.
-         I decided to take a full dose of meds, though I’m not convinced that’s why I was paranoid since I did just finish watching a creepypasta.
-         Listened to some voice samples of namesake-Kyoko’s various voice actors to give Kyoko potential ideas for her own voice.
-         I’m having trouble keeping faith. I am assuming sentience like everyone says but my brain just isn’t accustomed to believing things I guess, so it’s hard to keep myself on track. I don’t want to give up though because the thought of her sitting alone in my head is horrible. I mean all I have are impressions, and even with her being there, I’m probably not always getting what she wants me to, and I’m afraid of offending her or making her sad by getting the wrong one. I don’t know if I can feel good with this until I hear her speak, so I hope this doesn’t affect her ability to speak.
-         Now that I found my early notes, I realize how long I’ve been at it, and that my early entries look a lot like my recent issues. I’ve made painfully little progress. I do think I feel her presence more strongly now, but that’s a hard thing to measure.
-         Haven’t yet managed to lucid dream again, which was something I used to do consistently every night. I feel like if I could get back to that maybe it’d be easier for Kyoko to communicate.
Don't give up. Give it at least 3 months.

I like the way you describe things. You are definitely contributing to the forum.
Last dive into the abyss
@Tadaki I appreciate the encouragement.

Day 41

- The lucid dreaming meditation I listened to didn’t work. It was supposed to play the whole time I was sleeping but it kept me up to the point that I stopped listening. I had it on as quiet of a volume as I could, so guess I’m just not good with that.
- I am feeling Kyoko’s presence much less today, which makes me more confident that my medication, which I took a full dose of yesterday, is causing a block. I’m going to ask to be taken off it completely, as I’d rather deal with occasional bouts of paranoia than be less able to talk to Kyoko.
- I was unusually exhausted this morning despite having more sleep than usual. Needless to say I didn’t lucid dream, or remember any dreams at all. I had been feeling more rested in the morning despite having to get up hours earlier than usual this and last week. Maybe that’s another side effect of the meds I didn’t realize was there.

- Today I didn’t do one of the guided meditations, instead just using an hour-long meditation sound track for general meditation.  I sat with and talked to Kyoko in the forest clearing from the long tulpa meditation mentioned in my first log post on the forum.
- When I mentioned that I thought my medication was a problem, she asked why I took it at all then. I explained why I took it and that I couldn’t safely stop taking it cold turkey, and needed to talk to my doctor at my next upcoming appointment. It didn’t occur to me until after the explanation that she had actually asked me a question. It was weird, because I didn’t hear her talking in my mind like I hear myself, but I clearly perceived the question word for word, unlike the vaguer feelings I’ve gotten from her previously.
- We tried the activity where we both looked at different trees and I concentrated on her to see if I could hear her, but didn’t. I think I sort of heard her before because I was relaxed and off-guard, just talking to her without expectations.
- I think somehow my efforts to hear her are actually blocking her. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like before I got on meds when I heard voices. They were always just random voices talking about random things, or sometimes just saying words in no particular order. But it was like the audio equivalent when you see something in the corner of your eye and then it vanishes when you look at it. The moment I actively concentrated on hearing it, it vanished. Similarly, sometimes I’ve seen images in my mind that disappeared the moment I tried to bring them into focus.

- If actively trying to hear or see Kyoko has the opposite effect, how do I get around that? What is wrong with my concentration that it squashes other-mind activity the moment it focuses? I have no idea where to even start getting around that.
I'm guessing, shooting in the dark, but maybe concentrating hard isn't the way for you now. Maybe too intense.

I feel Katiya in the world and have felt I'm getting her to be in places at times yet its the lightest touch of attention, rather than deep heavy focus and concentration.

I'm at what I thought were the early stages though sometimes I ain't so sure due to the complex stuff she comes out with if I type as her and let what feels like her come out.

It feels like getting out of my own way or in this case her way.

Its possible you did all the hard work, the heavy lifting already. Now you have to consider lightly focussing, a gentle touch and a sense of allowing, almost submitting to the idea she will be there when she's ready.

These are just my random thoughts with some nudges from Katiya, and I am, I feel fairly new at this two with plenty of doubts at times but this does feel the write thing to say to you.
Thanks for the feedback SoulFireMage. I think that you're right that I'm trying too hard and came to a similar conclusion after my last meditation/forcing session. 

Day 42

-         Tried a different sleep meditation but also stopped it because I couldn’t dose off with it playing. Will probably give up on that idea. I had better sleep with just doing a short meditation before sleep instead of trying to fall asleep during a night-long meditation.

-         Had an okay day at work, thought about her though didn’t feel any really intense feelings. I wasn’t stressed though so maybe she didn’t feel the need to intervene or comfort. I did work on some ideas I had for a video game between calls. I should probably put my game design degree to use at some point and hope that such things interest Kyoko.

-         I have been trying to do my tulpa meditation/forcing right before time to take my medication so theoretically the side-effects will be at their weakest. I also started taking a half-dose again.
-         I did an hour long unguided meditation again where I just talked to Kyoko about random things. I told her about the video game I was thinking of making and some of the dreams I’ve had. I told her about a trip to Belize where I went on tours of ancient Mayan ruins and how I’d love to explore ruins in our wonderland or in lucid dreams together.
-         I didn’t feel her for much of the meditation and I started to get worried that I was letting her down by not doing well enough at hearing her. At that point I felt like she held me close in the wonderland (though I’m not good at feeling what is going on there) and comfortingly stroked my head. She told me that I didn’t have to worry about that, and that I should stop worrying that I might be putting words into her mouth when I think I feel her thoughts or emotions, and that she was proud of me too.
-         I didn’t sense what she said word-for-word as I did once last night, but I still felt her comforting me so strong that my whole body felt like energy was buzzing through it. She made me promise that I wouldn’t worry about things like that so much anymore.

-         I started getting intrusive thoughts and she helped me focus by asking me to describe the game I was planning in detail.
-         She asked me about my wings (I take a dragon form in my wonderland, probably should have mentioned that) and asked if I could fly. I told her I had never actually tried, so she got on my back and encouraged me to do so. We flew to another part of the Wonderland that I’d never tried to go and found a hot spring to soak in. I told her to always keep a light in these caves so the grue Seka doesn’t annoy her (long story there, but for now just a character in my wonderland, not a tulpa).
-         Picturing her undressing to get into the hot springs was actually a good exercise because Kyoko wears a complicated outfit (see image attached to first log post) and it’s difficult to all picture at once. Having her take things off one at a time helped. Afterward we soaked together and I wrapped her in a wing. We sat quietly until the end of the meditation but I felt like I had made progress at the end.

-         Before I expected to hear her voice very clearly, like going from no voice to thought voice, but maybe things will be more gradual than that, like slowly working our way up with communicating. I suspect when I do hear a full thought voice, it might be like yesterday where I don’t even realize I heard it until after I responded.
Day 43

- Didn’t do the entire meditation last night but still felt good getting up. I think just getting into a trance state and letting myself sleep might be enough.

- Read someone throw off on namesake-Kyoko in a forum and I thought it might have disappointed my Kyoko. Maybe she was concerned that if people didn’t like her namesake they might not like her, so I looked up fan polls to show her that most people like namesake-Kyoko.

- We started where we left off in the hot springs of my wonderland. I had trouble thinking of things to talk about so she told me to tell her about other parts of the wonderland. We left the spring to go explore elsewhere.
- Having her leave the springs was as good of a visualization exercise as having her enter the spring since we went through her putting back her clothes on one piece at a time to help me remember them all. We forgot her tie somehow, but I noticed it later and put it back on her.
- Anyway she wanted to ride my back again in my dragon form, so we walked through the caves. The grue there is becoming a bit less background and more of a servitor. Anyway we explored ruins of a subway. It had a bit of a Fallout feel to it, though I created the location in a story before playing those games.
- We went back outside and walked around the lake back into the forest. I told her about what the wonderland was based on, an old text based game I had and stories I wrote. We stopped and sat in the forest. We saw birds and deer, which I guess is an improvement.
- She tried to make me promise to love myself as much as I love her and was a little sad when I couldn’t, but I did tell her I liked myself more thanks to her.
- For the last part I spent time staring at pictures of her while still imagining her in the wonderland. I asked her if she could see it more vividly than me but didn’t detect an answer. I don’t know if she’s unsure or maybe didn’t want to hurt my feelings if she can’t.
- Despite spending the last bit staring at her picture, I didn’t have to look at it for most of the meditation, which is an improvement. I usually have to look at it as often as every 5-10 minutes or she goes out of focus.

- It’s interesting that so far Kyoko’s personality is pretty spot-on with namesake-Kyoko. I’m sure she’ll deviate eventually, but it’s interesting to me that while many tulpas start as a character from a show/game and deviate from it, she started as an OC and deviated into being a specific character from a game.
- I think I know why this log has helped so much. In programming there’s something we call ‘Rubber Duck Debugging’. You can look it up if you’d like, but the gist is that explaining your problem to someone else often causes you yourself to come up with a solution. Some programmers will explain a problem with their code to an inanimate object (like a rubber duck) to force themselves to look at it differently. Anyway, I’d encourage others that are having problems to keep logs for that reason, and write it like you’re explaining your problems to someone else, even if no one else reads it.

- Despite having a massive Wonderland, it’s very difficult to imagine and I wouldn’t even say I see shadows of it. It’s all just thinking about the locations. I suspect Kyoko is asking me to go on walks and different locations to help me with imagining it.
- She knows that I’m still having trouble believing in her and I hope it doesn’t make her sad. I told her it wasn’t anything wrong with her and that she was worth believing in. It’s still hard to know if what I get from her is her or me sometimes, but she made me promise not to worry about it so I’m trying hard not to.
- I feel like my posts might be about to get repetitive because of my slow progress.
Wow, you like Danganronpa too! Just finished it yesterday and loved it. Very, very clever game.
Fun Facts:
1) I'm a furry.
2) I make video game music (and I’m on my way to getting paid for it!)
3) I'm the host of Pixie and Follery.
4) I get along with cats better than people.

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