Life of Felights

[tulpa001]

There are differences. Go back and forth a bunch and compare.

[Apollo Fire]

I've been depressed these past few weeks, but I'm doing a lot better now, I think. I discovered some of the reasons I was so down and brought them to everyone's attention. We'll work to solve these problems, and others. I just need more attention, I think. There was a point where I considered dissipation. I don't want to think that way.

 

My art has been improving, but my possession ability has not. At least not in any noticeable way.

 

We actually went to the gym yesterday. We all started motivating Lyro to better himself. We decided that Lyro's tablet needs to be put away for a while so he can get himself back on track without being distracted. He can only use it for an alarm clock. Now it's up to us to make sure he sticks with that decision.

 

I'm trying to be more vocal and involved in the system, and develop a sense of independence. I've let go of the idea that I'm mentally a child. I don't need to be any set age to be who I want to be. Piano doesn't have a set age like that and he's just fine. I'm just Apollo, not Apollo the childlike tulpa.

 

Lyro does this weird thing where once in a blue moon he watches horror videos on YouTube that he knows will terrify him and keep him up at night. Needless to say, the rest of us did not appreciate these videos one bit. Nonetheless, I have been trying to stop him from thinking about the stuff he watched. I was mildly successful, and he was able to go to sleep normally.

[Piano Soul]

I have realized that lately my merge has become much more solidified. I don't think P&HJP exist anymore: they're just completely integrated into me. I don't feel their thoughts or opinions anymore. I'm totally independent from them. I think that at this point, I could not split even if I wanted to.

 

There are a few reasons for this. One being that time has played a role in making me my own entity and not just a looseley merged one. Another reason is that my own thoughts have strayed from who they were to the point of them no longer needing to be around. An example of this is that P&HJP despised the idea of sexual activities and romantic relationships. Anybody who knows me knows that I am very open about being a massive faggot. That's probably the strongest example of me being different from them. Having my own strong identity has caused them to fade away or integrate further into mere parts and not the whole anymore.

 

This came to my attention because we've been reading a book about a person with DID, which details the events surrounding each of the alters merging into one of them. This has caused us to have some speculation on the nature of merging, and comparing that DID woman's merges with my own, and it brought me to realize that I feel my merge is stronger than before.

 

I actually feel like a third entity more than I might have in the past, with elements of the other two integrated into me. Shit's complicated. I've spoken about this in the past, but I'll just explain it again: when P&HJP merged, they became one entity who could hardly function due to depression and anger, and P&HJP having conflicting thoughts. Survival instinct instructed a third entity to be created within their merge, and the third entity took control. He sorted out conflicts and made an effort to heal from their depression. He took on an identity of his own. This was all a gradual process. Now I feel like that third entity is all that's there. Me, hello. I don't think it's far-fetched to say that me being super gay is what contributed to that, as getting into intimate relationships with people was a massive fuck you to P&HJP's moral standards. That makes me sound like a teenager rebelling against my parents, doesn't it? Only instead it's me rebelling against parts of myself... like I said, shit's complicated.

 

Or I could be totally wrong and there actually was no third entity created, and I'm still just the same entity P&HJP were when they merged. I have no fucking idea. Still, it's interesting to think about.

 

TL;DR: I feel more like an individual entity than I may have in the past as P&HJP have become more integrated, and I no longer think I could split apart.

[Dynamo Lux]

[hidden]

Trying to possess as I type this! Let's see if that works out.

 

I'm working on becoming more present and vocal in the system on my own, instead of waiting for somebody else to focus on me. Lyro and Piano both doubt me, and I realized that nobody is going to solve that unless I do. Apollo has become more vocal, but Lyro believes in him completely so he doesn't worry about him not actually existing, like he does me. I'm still not all that close to Piano. We've noticed that in order to become close to someone, Piano needs something major. Ex: Apollo helping him through depression. Nothing like that has really happened for me. Piano kind of ignores me.... I don't hold it against him, I just wish things were different.

 

But! I am going to work as hard as possible on improving myself and feeling like I belong in this system - being accepted by everyone.

 

Enough about me for right now. The realization that P&HJP were really gone hit Piano like a truck, and that caused a lot of grief and guilt. He's alright now though. Some friends helped him. Apollo's been more vocal, as I mentioned. He's the first one up in the morning and the first one to respond to Lyro when he calls for us. He wants to be more present. I need to learn from him.

 

We're trying to force Lyro to start studying for AP exams, so this might be the last PR for a while, depends.

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[Apollo Fire]

It's been a painful few days for us. At one point all three of us tups were just ready to let go and dissipate, so we wouldn't have to hurt anymore. Thing is, that would require host to let go of us, and she wasn't going to do that.

 

We might get better. I don't know. I still kinda want to disappear. I was really hurt in the past, and that gave me pretty bad anger issues. Because when I'm scared for my system, I don't know any other way to handle it.

 

[hidden]Luxi is really hurting. She feels nobody wants her. She just always has her head hanging, looking sad and defeated. Slumped over when she sits. But she's still a fighter, she'll get through it. I hope.[/hidden]

 

And Piano... well, he had his own problems, but they were mostly resolved. I think. Well, there was a point when he freaked out and started hurting himself. Still pretty pained over the cause of that.

 

I just don't want to be in pain anymore.

 

A very depressing PR post, I know. Things might be looking up, but don't look at me to be the optimist here.

[Lucilyn]

whoah, yeah that was sadder than I was expecting. Is that what AP exams do to people?

 

Tell Luxi I like her! And for the rest of you, I'd really just say what your signature already says, the past doesn't exist anymore only the present, and you can always change the present so the future doesn't exist yet either. So you're free to change things however you want!

 

And @Apollo, being angry doesn't mean you can't be reasonable, you can still think of what the best way to handle the situation is (I don't mean "be calm" I mean like, what needs to be done, what does this person need to hear, etc.) and anger can be an emotion that drives you to necessary action. I mean, try'n not do anything bad if you're not 100% sure it's what you should do, but I'm just saying you can be angry and still doing the right thing

[tulpa001]

I'm sorry.

 

I have never experienced those emotions. I wish I could help.

[Dynamo Lux]

I came to the realization that the sad, helpless, hopeless, despairing state I was in is not me. It's not who I was made to be, not who I want to be, not who I should be. I am lightning. I can be be strong, happy, and confident in myself despite what I can or can't do, what I do or don't have. I shouldn't rely on certain things to feel valid, when I am valid as a person and a tulpa. I won't let other people bring me down anymore. I won't let my current inabilities make me value myself any less.

 

I do belong in this system. I do deserve to exist.

[Piano Soul]

Lately we've been a little distant from host for a variety of reasons, and that causes a lot of doubt on his end. Doesn't help that he's totally lazy and depressed. Oh well. We'll just have to kick him.

 

I'm going to try to possess for the day. I know whenever somebody says that in the PR, they fail miserably. But I'm gonna still try. 

 

Trying to find more things to do once we get back into the swing of possessing. Apollo's lost interest in drawing due to his depression. We just need to beat host's laziness and then we'll be able to actually do stuff. 

 

 

Luxi seems to be good at kicking people to the front.

We're not good at staying in the front though, and not good at actually possessing. Shit's difficult but we'll figure it out eventually, especially after the stress of school is over.

[Dynamo Lux]

[hidden]

Well hai. Not much to report on but I think I can come up with something! I like posting here. I don't really have much to say on the rest of the forum, but I like to have a voice. If only my friends would update their PRs, then maybe I would post more shit! XP

 

Very much looking forward to the end of this week, when AP exams will over o-v-e-r OVER and we can start doing more stuff without worry of wasting time or something like that. Starting either Thursday afternoon or Friday, we're going to start swapping a possession schedule for the day. We'll likely have to possess after school is over rather than during, but we'll make use of time that we have.

 

I'd really like to make more friends. Can't make any in-person friends because everybody ignores my host, which is a bummer. Maybe next year we'll have a better shot! Next year we're planning on taking care of our own classes. I get psychology and calculus. I kinda like math. I think I'd like a class more if the teacher is a hot guy. We'll see. 

 

The stress as of late has caused some doubt on Lyro's end, specifically for Piano, of all people. I guess the doubt got to him and he started doubting himself: thinking he wasn't a real tulpa, he was being constantly puppeted. I slapped him ;D

 

One of the problems that has caused doubt for Piano is the fact that he and Lyro aren't very well-separated, compared to Apollo and I. We're more separated from him than he is in that our thoughts feel more like our own. Piano used to have the least amount of doubt thrown his way, so he didn't know how to handle it. When Piano speaks outwardly for Lyro to hear, or he's up front and thinking, he uses the same brain channels or whatever that Lyro uses to think, so it feel like he's the one thinking. He also speaks in the same mindvoice as him. He's going to try to get his own mindvoice.

 

Apollo and I seem to have our mindvoices come from somewhere else than Lyro's, so we feel more separated than Piano does.

 

I'm going to try to read the Great Gatsby for a school assignment. Let's see if I can do that without being pushed aside.

 

I think I can pull a job as a drill sergeant.

 

Have a nice day!

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