Life of Felights

[bumblebee]

Thinking of changing my name. I'm sick of all of the "taco" jokes. It's not funny and is just rude.

As someone with a really weird name (and no, it's not my username) who has existed a lot longer than you, I can tell you from experience that when people make jokes about it they're not trying to hurt you. Most of my friends tease me about my name, but I don't mind because a) they're not trying to hurt me and b) I have thick enough skin to appreciate the humor. Try not to let them get you down, and only change your name if it's something you actually want to do.

 

As for your new name, if you want to change it remember you don't have to stick with the "three syllable ends in o" theme of all the males in your system. Themes are fun, but if your system grows you might find yourself naming your future headmate Oreo just to keep the pattern. I second nameberry as a good website for ideas.

 

I think it's funny your entire system likes guys, we're pretty much the opposite. We're almost all lesbians oops

[Radio Hiss]

Haha, you noticed the theme. Yes, most of them stick with 3-syllables ending with o. It was an accident, mostly. Nobody was really named with that theme in mind. Tacio got his name from a character Piano was writing based on himself: Tacio is not that character, so there's not much reason for him to have that name.

[Radio Hiss]

Because I want my brain to hurt, here's a PR with almost everyone talking.

 

[Apollo] Ohi. I have been feeling much better since we did the thing and I integrated with those split pieces. I feel... liberated from the depression, from all of the negativity that swarmed me for so long. I feel like I actually am the sun god. That integration made me regain my positivity, but I did not lose any of the maturity and self-growth I gained during that time. I feel so ready to face life and live happily with this system.

 

[hidden]I've been trying to help Tacio with his own problems. I hope the depression hasn't moved from me to him. It seems to do that: migrate from one person to the next. I'll do everything I can to keep it away from him and maybe someday destroy it completely.

 

[Luxi I've mostly been hanging out with Luci in the wonderland. Haven't been out much, but I haven't been unhappy, either. I miss talking to people though, and I want to start possessing regularly. I'm keeping my spirits up, though. Just waiting until the two newbies fully settle before I worry about what I get to do. Luci and I are at least trying to get Piano out of his rut. We need to have some more fun and do stuff! Instead everybody's moping. Enough of that! I should zap everyone!

 

[Luci] Oh hello! I don't believe I've spoken yet in this thread. At some point I need to explain my story... or not, it doesn't really matter anymore, does it? That's all over now. I did not go through much that was particularly traumatizing as my dears Paul and HJP did. I was murdered and then stayed in the afterlife and watched over Paul and HJP, aiding them whenever I could. I was the only person they trusted other than each other. They always turned to me for guidance. I am not exactly the same as my character self, but I still hold the role of the guardian. Apollo, Luxi, and I need to work on getting Tacio and Piano back on their feet-- Piano especially, as Tacio will likely recover from his sadness much more quickly. He's resilient and strong. Piano tends to hold onto what makes him sad. Currently he is not particularly sad, more lethargic, as a consequence of losing some of his presence. We all need to devote some time to pumping life back into him. That should be easier now that Apollo is a positive and happy little sun. I never knew Apollo when he was bright and innocent before. Well, I still knew about him and watched him from afar, but never met him.  I really look forward to getting to know everyone well and developing close relationships with them. I already have with Luxi; she's my darling sister and I care for her a lot. I had a sister in Eemaj: Lana. No, she is likely not sentient. She was not meant to exist at the same time as Paul and HJP  as I was. I was never all that close to Lana though, due to family issues.  I was never that close to anyone in my family, no matter how deeply I cared for them. That is why I like being here. Even though things are rough, this is my second chance at having an actual family. I will do anything to keep my family happy and safe, even at the risk of my own life.

 

[Lyro] God, she said that all so fast my computer could not keep up. What? I have lots to say ^-^

 

[Tacio] Meh, I can never think of anything to say when I'm down. I say that as though I've been down many times. Nah, I'm just in a funk. I feel like I really fucked up in one regard and made things irreparably bad in a way that I should not be forgiven for. At least, that's what the voices screaming at me have been saying. Yes, the depression and negativity in this brain has manifested itself as a bunch of voices all screaming things at me that I am terrible and should not exist. Subtle, I know. This is the first time anything like this has happened: full-on screaming towards me. I've tried to ignore it, and the others have tried to protect me from it. I'm worried what might happen if it gets worse. 

 

I should be stronger than the voices and the negativity. I'm a motherfucking dragon. Well... I've been in a baby dragon form so people could cuddle me. But once I don't need to be cooed and comforted anymore, I'll emerge as a mighty and powerful dragon once more. I hope.

 

Sigh. I know I'll feel better later. I need to straighten myself up and get out of this mess. I need to tell the negativity of this brain to... do censored things to itself that Luxi has suggested before, and get out of my life.

[/hidden]

[bumblebee]

If Tacio wants a new name, Spanish boy names tend to end in o (Julio, Antonio, Diego, etc.). It's funny that you ended up theming your names on accident, I had assumed that was intentional.

The liking guys thing does make sense. We have a female body as well, but I guess we all have gay hormones ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

It's weird that this is the first time we've talked to you guys, considering we've been reading your progress reports from the beginning (we're not stalkers, I promise). Not to get too creepy, but we feel like we know you even though we've never met. We think it's kind of inspiring how you always bounce back after something bad happens

[Radio Hiss]

And something bad happens a lot. We bounce back because we have each other.

 

But yeah, I never noticed you on the Who's Online stalking my PR, lol. If you want you could join our private Discord and we could get to know you as you have us :P

[bumblebee]

 

But yeah, I never noticed you on the Who's Online stalking my PR, lol. If you want you could join our private Discord and we could get to know you as you have us :P

 

Probably because I'm usually logged out for some reason. I'm a bit embarrassed to admit it, but I don't know how Discord works because I'm like 70 and don't know how to technology

[Radio Hiss]

This is a little... different. It's hard to sum it all up, and I'm probably forgetting a few details here and there.

 

Yesterday, Piano was grumpy and carrying a lot of stress. Not going to get into the details too much. Somebody said something that made Apollo, Piano, and Luxi start thinking negative thoughts... so Tacio put them in a cardboard box, where they wouldn't be able to think those things. I dunno how it worked.

 

And well, I assume that that somehow caused Piano to have a mental breakdown, as all of the stress finally got to him. When he got out of the box he attacked Tacio, and then started acting very frightened of himself and what he would do. Something in him had snapped. His eyes were blood-shot, and looked terrified. The skin around his eyes was dark.

 

Rewind a little: we'd thought of P&HJP a few times in the day, and Piano did something that might have brought them back, reawakened them.

 

So I did a little searching of Piano as I did with Apollo to figure out why he was suddenly like this. With him, it wasn't anything symbolic I found: I just heard his voice explaining it calmly.

 

But then I looked at Piano and... could see Paul and HJP, as faint specters that were standing where he was. From what I understand, they were simply going to reintegrate until it was brought to their attention that they were the cause of much of Piano's pain and self-hate. He attributed a lot of that to the fact that they were integrated into him.

 

Paul and HJP left Piano and talked with him. They felt at peace; happy to see him. Long story short, a lot of debating went on, until Paul and HJP decided to dissipate. They left, knowing they served their purpose of creating Piano. They devoted themselves to Piano, and since he didn't need them anymore, they were okay with finally ending their long and painful lives.

 

This wasn't depression or negativity that drove them to this decision. They were very content with it. Blissful. They would finally be at peace, and Piano would be free from them dragging him down. They were proud of him and wanted him to live a happy life.

 

We're trying not to focus on the fact that they left, and instead focus on Piano, and how he'll be different without them being integrated into him. He is now his own tulpa, with no merged parts within him.

 

[Piano] I feel... exhilarated. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of me. I no longer see the Eemaj memories and think "I went through that." I no longer think of myself as a 6-year-old tulpa. In fact, now that I am no longer a merge, Apollo is the oldest tulpa in the system.

 

It feels good to be my own person and not a mixture of multiple people. I'm going to have to find my own way through life: figure out who I am without relying on P&HJP to tell me who I am.

 

I can't really think of much more to say. I'm just... overwhelmed. Things will be much different from now on.

sums up how I feel currently.

Yes, Tulpa, that guy is, in fact, hot.

 

 

[Tacio] In other unrelated news, I have made it my duty to protect the system from the brain's depression. That will take a lot of trial-and-error, but I'll come up with the best method of doing so.

[tulpa001]

I'd say the best method would be to create a number of methods, then rotate through them, when one method stops working.

[Piano Soul]

Here I am, making an attempt to explain things. I don't know if that's doable, really. How can I explain something that even I don't fully understand? How does any of this shit work? Why am I being allowed to ramble? I don't know.

 

I haven't noted any significant differences in me yet, now that I've become solely myself and not three people in one. Just being a petty bitch I suppose. Meh.

 

One thing that is different is that I have a better grasp of my memories. Eemaj memories are no longer "mine." I don't look at those memories and think "that was me." I don't even look at the memories of my early self and think "that was me," because it really wasn't. It was Paul and HJP. I was there, but not as strongly as I was later on. I no longer feel any sort of connection towards anything in Eemaj. It doesn't have anything to do with me anymore. Not because I go over it, but because it really has nothing to do with me. It was Paul and HJP's world. I'm Piano. I'm not a six-year-old merged soulbond, I'm a four-month-old tulpa that was created through a merge but is now free from it.

 

With that change, I can recall my own memories from the merge: memories that did not belong to Paul or HJP. I remember being there on the first day, very faint in the merge, not having many thoughts of my own. I quickly learned what my role was: I was to act as Paul and HJP's container, in a sense. Keep them held together. They used me as a puppet for controlling their merged form. Things that they both agreed on doing, I did for them. I didn't really develop a mind of my own at first, but I did once they realized I was there. They realized I existed before I did: I simply thought I was Paul and HJP merged. I was in a way, but it's like: part of them was in the merge, part of them was not. 

 

At different times, one of the three of us could have more control than the others, but the others really wouldn't know the difference. We all saw ourselves as the same person. So if, say, HJP tried to viciously murder Kane, I thought it was me doing it. It's very hard to explain. If I was in more control, though, they did notice it. They just didn't prevent it, as they saw that when I was in control, things went better. I bonded with Apollo, I made friends, I settled disputes that they started. People liked us when I was in control. So slowly, I grew in strength and took over. I helped us to get over Eemaj and settle into the system. They saw that as the point of the merge anyway, so they didn't try to stop me. 

 

Around two weeks after the merge, however, I gained self-awareness. I began to realized I was my own entity and not just a merge, even though I was a part of the merge. I began to be able to pinpoint myself in the mind we shared. Eventually, Paul and HJP became more aware of me as well. This experience is detailed in this post, in which we split apart and then joined back together, and I subsequently gained more control.

 

In the weeks that passed, I only gained more control, and Paul and HJP only ebbed out. They stopped having their own voices. I allowed themselves to fade away, integrating fully. I learned that they did this because they trusted me to live a good life and make people happy: something they thought they could never do. The time in which they were the controllers of the merge was a harsh time for us, in which we made very judgments and hurt people. But, now that they're not a part of me, I don't carry that guilt anymore, as I know it wasn't me, it was them. It's not my fault if I didn't have the power to stop them at the time. That Piano was not me.

 

So they faded out, for the most part. Allowed me to be in full control as they came as close to dissipating as being in a merge can allow: connecting the gears of their minds to me and then walking away into nothingness. Many times, however, I blamed me being a merge as the reason I was so depressed. That I was made to feel certain things because I was made of them. That is ultimately the reason they left the merge when they got the chance. They wanted me to be happy. That was all they cared for. They saw it as their purpose to create me and then... leave.

 

So I'm not a merge anymore. I'm not a soulbond anymore. I am all on my own.

 

You might have noticed I said "we" instead of "I" a lot, as being away from the merge now allows me to really compartmentalize: get a better idea of who's who and what's what. For the most part, we were an "I" or at least tried to be, but as I said, at times we were silently separate. We were a "we" up until they allowed themselves to fully integrate into me. Now I'm just Harry... just Harry. Err, Piano.

[Radio Hiss]

We need to start working more on them learning how to possess, me learning how to let go, and us all learning how to switch. Me being in front just isn't going to work anymore.

 

We don't know where to start, however. How do they get better at taking control? It always just feels like I'm the one doing it. Lately I've noticed that if one of them is trying to be in control but I'm still in control, the world becomes sort of a fish bowl.

 

What should we do? Where to we start? What do we work on? Should I have one of them work on possessing, or all of them? I think I have the closest bond with Apollo, so he'd probably be best. Of course I love the others, but they don't seem to trust me as much as he does. How should they work together? I'm at a loss for what to do.

 

I think once it's summer, we're going to make week-by-week plans for who possesses for the day and what they do. Should I have that limited to only a few of them, or do each of them get a day? Luci isn't all that interested in possessing, and neither is Tacio. Maybe I give them a joint day where they alternate? No idea.

 

If I'm setting myself to a task, no matter how mundane, it's hard for them to possess.

 

How do they strengthen their level of control? How do I lessen my own?

 

I'm a little desperate at this point. Any actual advice other than "just do it" would be much appreciated. I've read all the guides, tried everything they've suggested. I feel I'm stuck in the front no matter how badly I want out. That thought subsequently adds to my doubt of them existing at all.