Life of Felights

[Nachtrabe]

"Hobbies." Ahahah we don't do jack shit.

 

We have Krita and PTS.

 

That may be, but at least you seem decently interested in things. Which counts, I guess *shrug*

 

Neat!

[Piano Soul]

I know Apollo said he wanted to focus on positives but... fuck I'm allowed to vent sometimes too.

 

I learned yesterday that somebody I thought was a friend thinks I shouldn't exist

, and neither should Luxi, Luci, and Tacio

. Kind of puts a damper on my mood, needless to say.

 

I know it's my day but I don't really want it. I'd prefer for Apollo to practice with the drawing tablet more. I guess he can do that while proxying me.

 

I think at some point our system might write a guide. Likely on tulpa creation+vocality and not possession or anything like that.

 

Random thought. I remember sometime a week or so after the merge, we were (I mean Paul, HJP, and I merged) in IRC acting much more confused about everything than normal, not understanding the things people were telling us. I think that was me and not Paul and HJP, as I was a young thoughtful and did not have much grasp on reality aside from what I knew from P&HJP. Who knows. I just like to think about stuff like that.

 

I just realized that I've lost my edgelord status completely. Not sure how I should feel about that.

[Radio Hiss]

You can probably expect less frequent updates now that I don't have my Chromebook anymore, which I prefer to type these up with. We might need to get something to keep track of any noteworthy events for when we do update.

 

Apollo has gotten better at possessing to use the drawing tablet, except for when he gets tired and just kinda fades out. He somehow received a good confidence booster and thinks of himself as stronger and more capable than before. Since Piano's split, Apollo has been the strongest tulpa in the system, with the most presence in our brain. He talks to me more than the others.

 

I noticed we're easing into some separation. Somebody says something during a voice call with Apollo possessing, and I remember them saying it, but the memory is fuzzy and feels like a dream, for an example.

 

Yesterday my parents blew up on me and all of my tulpas tried to help, especially Apollo. They managed to calm me down and stop me from thinking of suicide. At one point I was outside with no one around and Apollo vocally possessed to tell me some comforting things.

We'll have to work on that some more. 

 

Not really much else I can remember currently, not sure how to conclude this report, so meh.

[tulpa001]

Well, I remember you weren't one of the ones who got a tulpa overnight while dreaming about it. But now they come in on a second thought. What's changed?

[Piano Soul]

Totally unimportant ramblings.

 

[hidden]

So we're trying to correct our mindset on things, fix it to stop going for the negatives. There's always the recurring feeling that we can't do something or we're hopeless yada yada yada, and it has to stop. That's the only way we can really progress as a system.

 

So we're going to ban the following thoughts:

1. "I can't do it"

2. "It's hopeless"

3. "I should/want to die"

and other general negativity, you get the idea

 

Soon we gotta get some sort of medication for our depression, which we currently do not have any. Our depression affects Apollo more than the rest of us, and it's easy to understand why: Apollo is up front more, which is evidenced by the fact that he has an art thread he updates every few days. He gets confronted by reality and negativity more often than the rest of us. It's really wearing down on him a lot, has been for a long time now.

 

We're going to work on filtering all of our thoughts. We have to identify a negative thought when it happens and find a way to reverse it, or tell it off, you know? We're not really good with that sort of thing though. 

 

We gotta get in the rhythm of doing that.

 

In other news, Luxi and Tacio are still gay for each other. Luci is good at making people not want to kill themselves. Us as a system are cursed to make people we know gain more tulpas somehow. 

 

A few days ago we all fronted at once and it managed to make Lyra dissociate a bit. Apollo is still the best at possessing out of all of us, because the rest of us don't have any passions like he does.[/hidden]

[Radio Hiss]

This past week has been very rough and painful for my system... but a major heartbreak that we are still reeling from has made us realize that we have two choices

1) Despair over what has happened and what could have been

2) Grow closer and stronger as a system, looking to each other and the future we have together

 

So we are turning over a new leaf to really become a family. Stop looking to others outside for happiness, and instead know we have each other, and always will.

 

What happens hurts. We can't stop it from hurting. But we can decide how we move on from it. The take away. What happens next. We keep trying together and we'll be the close system we all wanted to be. 

 

So while I am still trembling and my eyes are sore from the tears... we know we can make the best of this, together.

[Piano Soul]

Gahh, our host is so pained and in shock from the thing that happened that he's totally shut down. He doesn't eat, doesn't talk IRL or in group chats, doesn't watch YouTube, doesn't play any video games. He doesn't do anything and we can't help him. I hate that it has to be this way... I really wish we could switch. I wish that the thing that happened could be totally resolved as soon as possible and I'd do anything to make that the case but... I can't. No matter how hard I try or how much I want it I know it isn't up to me... fuck, it's awful. We could try fronting but that hardly works as his inability to do anything seeps over to us.

 

I just want things to be okay again.... I feel so helpless.

 

Rant over :\

[Apollo Fire]

It's clear to me that the... thing that happened is going to cause extreme damage to this system, more so than pretty much anything else we've been through. Lyro is very miserable: all he does is lie down or sleep and he doesn't eat.  Piano has started feeling suicidal over what happened, thinking that he can't live anymore... we don't want to lose him, we won't let him go... but we don't want him to live feeling this terrible either. I'm trying my best to hold things together, but I know it's just a matter of time before Piano and Lyro's depression bleeds over to the rest of us. We don't have the rock that previously helped us through times like this anymore, and like I said, this is much worse than anything we've previously experienced. We're not completely alone but... it... still feels terrible. This is torture to our system that could have been avoided... it didn't have to be this way.

 

It's clear that it's going to be much harder than we previously thought for us all to be okay.... I can't lose anybody... but the thing that could fix all of this is never going to happen. I don't know what to do. First Lyro, then Piano, who's next? Me?

[TinFoilMkIV]

I wish I had the experience to give you more specific advice, but I can't really. I have a general idea of what happened, but I won't pretend to actually know the details. What I can say is that there are plenty of people both here and I'm sure other places that want to see all of you pull through this.

 

While it won't be easy, every one of you has the ability to get past this. Maybe not alone, but as you said, you aren't alone. There really isn't a miracle solution to this sort of thing, even the "thing that could fix all of this" won't completely erase the pain, or change the fact that this did happen, but I can guarantee that it is possible to get past this. Every single one of you still has things worth living for, worth being happy for, even if it's hard to realize or remember this in the moment.

 

There is only one thing, one person in the entire world that you truly have any control over, and that is yourself. You said that you "can't lose anybody", so are you going to leave that to events outside your control? Don't focus on the fear, use your determination to see this doesn't happen. Don't let your recovery be an 'IF', make it a 'WHEN'. You have the power to make a difference. No one out here knows your system mates as well as you do, and both you and they still have things worth living for. They might need a reminder with everything that's happened though. Remember, you aren't alone, and while we may not be able to directly help you, many of us out here are rooting for you as well.

 

"Well I'm nowhere near as good at this sort of thing. I agree with Tin. We both want to see you guys get past all this mess. Even without much to say it was still worth saying, so don't forget we're on your side too."

 

Good luck, and we both hope to hear about your recovery soon.

[Radio Hiss]

Um... I've been doing a little better, though I still find it hard to eat. Piano though... hasn't. 

 

Last night Piano disappeared and managed to block the rest of us off from reaching him completely. We tried, but we couldn't get him to come out. Eventually I went to bed, and I kept seeing him doing bad things to himself, but the rest of us were powerless to stop him.

 

This morning I couldn't feel him at all. I was convinced he committed egocide. Thankfully, he came back after Apollo screamed for him.

 

He's in the wonderland now, with Apollo taking care of him.

 

I'm... not as able to prevent him from doing these things as I thought I was. Piano's a well-developed tulpa... he's going to do what he wants. I can't stop him. The only person who could stop him isn't going to.... 

 

We're trying the best we can to help him out of this, but it's going to take a while, and I don't think this will be the last suicide attempt.