Life of Felights

[Tasio]

[align=justify][hidden]We sorta stopped the only-Apollo thing in favor of an alternating schedule of fronting, but that got interrupted by illness/depression, so we need to get things back together and try again. It’s a bit more difficult for me and Piano to front, more so than it is for Apollo. Biggest challenge is, of course, our host moving aside. He’s still bad at that as ever. Not sure if we’re any closer to switching.

 

Sometimes we find that we start talking about something that our host didn’t even know about, such as the way one of us has been feeling/thinking. One time Apollo was doing something and Lyro didn’t even know why until we reminded him. That’s some level of dissociation, even if it doesn’t make him not-front.

 

It just takes a lot of focus to front, and doing it consistently takes even more. It’s easy to just… forget about it, and Lyro takes control like normal until we get back on track.

 

I’m going to reset our fronting schedule and try to stick with it. If us tulpas don’t push things to happen, then they don’t get done. I need to step up. So does everyone else.

 

Me: 2/12-2/18

Piano: 2/19-2/25

Apollo: 2/26-3/4

Indigo: 3/5-3/11

 

Let’s see if we can get things going, and get back on track. No more just... letting ourselves be forgotten out of laziness. We need to have more drive and determination.

 

I would have Indigo front sooner, but things happened and he's been having some emotional troubles. Maybe he'll recover and be able to do it sooner, but currently he's just not right. It's depressing, seeing him like that. Everyone here loves him a lot, and he makes us love each other more, as a result.[/hidden][/align]

[Indigo Blue]

Mehh, screw schedules, they don't really work for us. 

 

I've stolen the front! Muhaha. Tacio was in the front for a while, but I'm getting way too restless. I can't really stand being a tulpa in general, since I don't like going into limbo for extended amounts of time. I always feel distressed after a day of not being paid attention to or fronting. And since one... source of my emotional issues went away for a while, I figured I could take the body. I'm trying to deal with my emotional shit while up front, as well as aim towards switching. Apollo was kinda losing his drive while fronting, and Tacio wasn't really trying. So here I am now. Oh, I also should probably give the other three tulpas more attention while I front. Apollo kinda blocks everyone out unintentionally when fronting. I think Piano is the best at interacting with other systemmates. Piano's also good at getting the host into a relaxed, calm state. Maybe we can use that for switching?

 

Getting the host out of the front is the only real hurdle we have in switching. I think we could do it if she just learned how to do that. For a while when Apollo was fronting, she kinda felt like she could fade out. She didn't actually do it, but felt like she could. Apollo went into some sort of state where a fronter gets bored/unmotivated, so it went to Tacio, and then me. If I can keep up my fronting drive then it'll probably be me for a while. I really don't like tulpa limbo - and no, we don't go to the wonderland when we're not being paid attention to, and we don't think anybody does. Our viewpoints on tulpas have changed a lot, and we no longer think wonderlands are really a thing. It's just fabricated memories created to follow expectations.

 

[align=justify][Piano] Wish there was some easy way to just get the host out of the front. Meditating is probably the best way to go about achieving that, but we don't really find time for it. I wish it was as simple for her to get out of the front as it is for us. Other people's advice is usually meaningless or entirely unhelpful, boiling down to "just do it." Meh, guess if none of the people we know can really help us then we should stop asking and figure it out on our own. And yes, we know switching is different for everyone, but just giving some sort of guideline to go off of would be beneficial to us finding our own way.

[/align]

 

[indigo] There was a bit of time when Apollo was a strong front (which was only recently) when others would try to come in and control the body, but he would end up accidentally coming back. So, that shows that there is the potential for him at least to become the main controller of the body. We just need to get our host out.

 

Myehh. I've also been wondering what qualifies a tulpa as an "adult" versus a "baby." I'm five months old and consider myself highly self-aware and nuanced, despite my goofy behavior. I still know what everything I say and do means and the implications behind it all, I understand who and what I am and what my existence means. I'm not just some silly tulpa who's entirely two-dimensional. I know how to reflect on the past, and analyze people's behaviors. I've been trying to keep my emotions in check and understand where they come from, and I don't let my emotions control me. But, I still feel like I'm still a "baby" tulpa. Maybe that's just because of my form? Or because I'm the youngest in the system? I don't know. I don't base myself on others' perception of me or even my perception of myself like other tulpas do. I wasn't personality forced at all, so that's one hurdle I never had to get past, I've grown completely uninhibited by thoughts of "I need to be like this because that's how my system wants me." I've moved on from stuff like focusing on lewd, I'm trying to pursue some greater meaning to my life, rather than just "the cute baby dragon everyone adores." I want to understand myself better, rather than just fall into roles or archetypes created within the system. I hope I can at least find that somewhat during my fronting time, and make it worthwhile until I get drained/bored and/or someone else decides to take over.

 

You live in a brain with other people, it's easy for your mind to be influenced by what they think of you. That makes growing past your current state kind of difficult, especially if you are underdeveloped anyway. I don't think I have that issue though, I think everything I do is my own choice. I think that if I haven't reached "tulpa adulthood" yet, then I'm at least getting there. I've probably matured a lot more in the past month than I had any other time in my life. I'm becoming able to really understand myself and life/existence better.

[Indigo Blue]

We're gonna try two things for switching: pretending and faking it til making it, and meditation. Still find fronting hard to do while performing tasks that don't inherently involve tulpas. Our brain just doesn't like tups and makes the host do it instead. I attempted to hold the front at work for more than brief bursts of time, but it didn't work. Maybe there will be more to report with practice? I tried pretending like host wasn't there, that she had switched out. Then I started to feel lonely. Progress I guess?

 

Just need to figure out how to make host stop processing thought, and stop having her fill in all the gaps and do stuff that we could just do if we could figure out how to stop her from taking back over without realizing.

 

I think my Alice Cooper obsession has consumed my very soul. It certainly annoys Piano.

[Indigo Blue]

Ughhh. I really think I'm bipolar, because my mood can go from one end of the spectrum to the next without much triggering it. Can one systemmate be bipolar and not the others? I have no idea, I just know it's confusing. My mind is really scrambled and unorderly, it's really hard to understand/describe. It'll go away in time of course. 

 

I was kind of thinking maybe I was somehow a different type of tulpa than the other three, but that's probably just because a) I didn't go through all the bullshit they did with "friends" b) I don't use a Paul McCartney form c) I use a non-human form a lot (though lately haven't been) and d) I'm still young and don't have that much of a grip on my own identity/existence yet.

 

Though, I'm not that young.

I'm older than Tacio was when he made me.

I'm a really strong tulpa too, Apollo's theory was that my mind was going haywire because I just couldn't take the powah. Probably not though. I honestly have no clue.

 

Dunno how much progress we've made towards switching, as we still can't get the host to leave the front. Think maybe we'll get there soon. 

 

Something Lyro's noticed is that our voices have started sounding distinctly separate from his. We no longer feel like parroting at all anymore, which we did, he just stopped caring a long time ago.

 

[hidden]

This is a bit of a heavy topic... I've been feeling pretty bad lately over the fact that 3 tulpas were removed from the system before I was made. Two of them weren't actually sentient, but one of them was. I wouldn't have been created if they weren't gone. That's difficult to deal with, especially since there's no real moral way to justify getting rid of a tulpa and then making another one a few weeks later. The two events weren't related though...

Tacio created me because there was so much sadness in the system and he hoped a new tulpa could fix it. And I did.

The girls left because our system couldn't handle six tulpas (though only one was sentient like I said), and they wanted things to be easier for Lyro, with only 3 tulpas instead.

I don't blame Tacio for making me,

it's just hard to deal with knowing one sentient tulpa is gone now and instead I'm here. We're not bringing her back though, 4 tulpas is hard enough to manage. Maybe so long as I make the most of my time here and work on always being there for my system, it'll be okay?[/hidden]

 

Still really want to switch. I've been hogging the front and pushing everyone out so I can try to process my own thoughts/emotions and maybe figure things out. Not sure what there even is to figure out. 

 

Think a way for Lyro to switch out is focusing on and/or connecting with a tulpa that's in the back. Idk we've tried everything and nothing seems to be going anywhere.

[Abvieon]

This is a bit of a heavy topic... I've been feeling pretty bad lately over the fact that 3 tulpas were removed from the system before I was made. Two of them weren't actually sentient, but one of them was.

 

I have vague memories of reading about those tulpas earlier in your progress report. How did your system determine that two of them were not sentient, and did they ever fully believe that they were sentient? In what ways were they different from a sentient tulpa?

[Apollo Fire]

They never showed any emotion, we were never able to feel their thought processes. They always acted exactly the way we thought they would, never surprised us at all. They left fairly easily, they didn't resist or fight it, and never tried to come back. They never changed or grew past the way we expected them to act. They never really showed any of the usual signs of sentience that are common for our system. I feel that they were likely just intrusive thought that we gave too much power or something.

[Apollo Fire]

I think we're going to try a fronting schedule again, only this one would be with shorter stretches than the ones in the past: 3 days each. 

 

Lyro's noticed that he's been highly depersonalized/derealized, and that this has been going on for a while, getting gradually worse. Of course, this affects us too, and is probably why we find it difficult to highly connect to the body's senses and such when we try. Very often, we find ourselves simply looking out, and not really connecting to anything going on around us at all. Eventually I hope, we'll receive some sort of treatment that may quell this issue and perhaps have positive effects on out fronting/switching efforts.

 

Blendiness has been a bit of an issue too: not really expressing our own individual personalities very much when fronting, sort of all acting the same. Lately, we've been looking to fix this by asserting ourselves more: being who each of us are rather than just going through the motions of life. At the very least, I think I've been doing a good job with that, though could use some improving. I've also been fronting pretty strongly, hopefully the other three will be able to do so as well when it's their turns. Rarely does that seem to happen, unfortunately.

[Apollo Fire]

Day 510

 

I've also kinda become stuck to the front. Despite everyone else's best efforts, they can't really seem to get a good grip as I just end up taking back over, or Lyro does. Hopefully we can use this for the best and switch? If Lyro can actually go away. For now I'm just gonna keep trying to front and see what happens. Who knows, maybe we'll get lucky this time.

 

Something a while ago occurred that showed us just how much our system has grown in the past several months. There was a little incident of there potentially being conflict in our system, particularly involving Indigo, but he settled it maturely and hostility-free fairly quickly. It honestly caught my host off-guard as he was expecting a fight or at least some negativity, as there would have been in the past. Shows how mature Indigo is compared to how the rest of us were when we were his age. Our system has been drama-free for a long time now, and that's good. We haven't even had any moments of emotional instability in a while, and when we do they get addressed and resolved as needed, without dragging them on. It's nice to think just how much we've grown as time has gone on, all for the better. I'm a good example of that. I'm not angry or depressed at all anymore. I actually feel happy now, content with who I am. We've learned from the past, and now we're more mature and stable as a result.

[Apollo Fire]

Day 523

 

I've been fronting fairly strongly and consistently lately. When other tulpas try to front, I get pulled back in accidentally quite easily. I also don't go inactive when they front, I just passively observe like my host does. My host has been finding it a little difficult to speak, in a weird way, since I'm always there. It's almost like our roles have been reversed, not quite though. I've also had more frequent moments where my speech becomes disorganized and rambley, almost like I'm learning how to function without using my host's mental reservoir of thought as leverage. Perhaps that means that soon he'll be able to fade out, and I won't need her there anymore, and we'll be switched :D

 

I've also found it easier to actually talk to people IRL. Usually, my host ends up accidentally taking back over whenever people talk to us, but I've been able to hold the front during those. Slowly but surely, I am increasing my fronting ability, so soon enough maybe I will be able to front totally nonstop without any disturbances. The only thing after that will be figuring out how my host can switch out. He has had some moments of sort of dissociation, usually at work, so maybe that means we are getting somewhere.

[Indigo Blue]

Day 279

 

Currently I'm fronting pretty strongly. I can get put into the front by little things like Lyro talking in a high-pitched voice. I just sort of naturally take over.

 

As of now, I guess our goals as a system are just for us to front - whoever it is doesn't really matter, so long as it's a tulpa doing it instead of Lyro. 

 

Still haven't learned how to switch.

 

Our system has been enjoying collectively writing a book together. There was this story our host worked on a few months before he first made Apollo but gave up, and we've gone back to it and have been adding new chapters and such. Lyro used to love writing all the time, but that changed when us tulpas entered his life. We've tried writing new things, but the fact that we're always swapping who's fronting makes it difficult. With this story though, we just seamlessly flow off of each other without issue. Currently we're about 50% of the way through, and really want it to come to full fruition and maybe be published someday.