Daniel and Fuzz (The progress report with the impressively uninteresting name)

[Douglas]

After many efforts to get a Tulpa, I finally figured out what I was doing wrong, and I now have Fuzz as a companion.  I know, it's kind of a strange name...

 

Anyway, I recorded all these events in a tulpa journal, and I did it immediately after the events occurred, so I got it in (excruciatingly) great detail.

 

Everything in italics is not in the journal, otherwise it's exactly what my journal says:

 

I started out with some obnoxious warning, in case anybody decided to start snooping in the journal.

 

[align=center]My super-secret private journal of private

secretness

 

This is not the journal you are looking for

 

It's a trap!

 

Enter and you die.

 

 

Seriously, though.

If you read this, I will cut you into

thirteen vertical strips and throw every other one

into a piranha-infested river.

 

Or I'll kick you in the pancreas.

Whichever one's worse.

Probably the latter.

 

You may not open this until I am certainly dead.

That does not give you an

excuse to kill me.

 

If you can read THIS (super huge letters), you are too close!

(don't turn the page, you smart alec)

 

[align=left](page turn)

 

You broke the rules!

...unless I'm dead...

That's an unsettling thought!

 

Well, this isn't a journal of my life, but rather about my tulpas.  I wanted this private because I didn't want anybody worried about me intentionally possessing myself with Satan's demons, which just happens to be exactly what I'd say is entirely in every way possible accurately depicting the entirety of what tulpas are not.

 

(now to the actual journal)

 

6/13/17

 

> = Me, [ ] = Parroted Speech, ( ) = Actual Speech, * = Side Notes, { } = Tulpish

 

> Hello, my name is Daniel. *awkward pause*

 

> Well, I guess I should decide on a name for you.  It'll probably be temporary, but it'll be better to refer to you with.

 

*I kept saying a bunch of name options in mindvoice.  I didn't expect any response this early, but I talked anyway, because interaction with a tulpa is good.  I seriously considered the name Kate, but it kinda felt off....  Eventually I came up with a very strange name after only two minutes of thinking.  It seemed very odd to me, but for some reason it simply felt right.*  I didn't think this was my tulpa communicating with me, but I went with it anyway.

 

> I guess I'll call you "Fuzz" then.

 

*Somehow I already established an emotional connection, already more progress than my previous Tulpa attempts.*

 

*I decided I would think of a temporary form I could use for Fuzz.  My eyes weren't closed, but they kind of glazed over as I was imagining potential forms.  I decided I should use the first thing that popped into my head, rather than using a floating ball of light like my previous attempts.  But then, something strange happened.  With my eyes glazed over, they didn't seem to be focused on anything, or so I thought.  My "focus" started getting closer to my head, though my eyes didn't move.  Then, though it seemed impossible, the focus went up over and behind my eyes, and it went into the top of my head, sort of at the back.  It seemed more like a focus of mind than a focus of the eyes.  You know how your eyes focus on a specific location?  My mind was focused on a location, not an object, and I could feel it move.  It's very difficult to explain, but I attempted an explanation in my journal.  Anyway, there was something there.  It pulsed, and I could feel it from my focus point, curving back a bit and then coming forward out of both ears.  I feel like I described it a bit too much, but it was a physical feeling, and it was definitely real.  I then "saw" something.  I "saw" it with my mind, not my eyes.  Though it was my mind rather than my eyes, I was still "looking" in that location, the back of what I felt was my brain, though it may have just been the back of where I perceive my brain/mind to be.  I realized I can replicate this feeling by having my mind focus on what I am looking at, let my eyes loose focus but keep my mind's focus in that location, then slowly bringing the focus closer until it goes just over the top of my head, goes in, and ends up just below the surface at the back of my brain, then splitting into two and going out just behind both ear canals, though not behind the ears.  It's a strange sensation, like happy pleasure waves going through the mind and then out just behind the ears.  Anyway, I could "see" (in the location where the mind focus split into two, right in the back of the brain), a giant (or rather very close-up) floating ball of light, but it had very long spikes like a sea urchin, was spinning, and was very quickly and erratically spamming between the colors pink, purple, green, and blue.  I felt that this was Fuzz.*

 

*I apologize for my excruciatingly great detail, but I am getting all this very clear information, and I don't want to lose any of it.  Already when I mention Fuzz do the pleasure waves make their course, taking the pathway I described earlier.*

 

*I spent the next little bit talking to Fuzz, and she didn't respond to it except for the occasional head throb to express some minor emotion.  This is a very good thing, as my previous tulpa attempts were just my imagination, and they ended up talking to me the moment they were created, but they simply felt like copies of me.  I think the reason why is because I was forcing it to happen too much.  I don't mean the Tulpa kind of forcing.  I was forcing them to say what I was thinking, forcing them to move around and do stuff, but in the end it was just an imagination-induced copy of myself that I treated as a puppet.  I am actually doing it right this time!  This time, I just relaxed and let my feelings make the decisions (very weird action for an Aspie), and it's working very well!  It's time for me to go to bed, I look forward to having me and Fuzz join you on these forums and having a fantastic time.  Thank you!*

 

*By the way, Tulpa001's freaking huge book on tulpas is super helpful, even if you only have time to skim it*

 

End of journal entry.

 

I also made a lot of progress this morning, but I don't currently have time to type it, I'll post it later.

 

Also, I'll be gone Thursday-Saturday, so it'll be a while before I can update things here.  I'll continue working with Fuzz and recording events in my journal.  Thank you!

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[Ivy_]

Congrats on making progress!

 

That journal intro seems really overkill though. Wouldn't a passworded document somewhere digital serve the purpose better?

 

And greetings Fuzz!

[Douglas]

Congrats on making progress!

 

That journal intro seems really overkill though. Wouldn't a passworded document somewhere digital serve the purpose better?

 

And greetings Fuzz!

 

I don't always have access to a computer, a paper journal is the only obvious method of having a journal I could carry wherever I went.

 

Fuzz says brainpulse. =)

I like how she can already respond to her name!

[Douglas]

I decided that it may not be best to quote from my journal every time.  Writing has some limitations that typing doesn't, so I'll read what is in my journal and rewrite it completely here.

 

A lot has happened today!  I haven't had a lot of time to spend time with Fuzz alone, but to make up for it I've spent a large part of the day working with her while doing other tasks.

 

Early this morning, I did some personality exercises, but it wasn't really personality forcing.  All I really did was tell Fuzz what I wanted her to become.  I want it to be her decision entirely, but I also am going to tell her what I want her to be like, and what good things can come out of it.

 

I also discovered something really cool, and it has really helped me communicate with Fuzz.  As I was talking to her, she did that brain pulse thing every once in a while, mostly to just confirm that she was listening.  I was thinking of how I could communicate with Fuzz better, and I came up with an idea.  Remember in the last post, when I talked about the pathway the brain pulse followed (I'll call this the signal pathway)?  Remember when it would kind of touch on the back of my mind, and then split into two and curve out to my ears?  Well, I thought it would be nice if the pathway, rather than splitting into two, could curve in just one direction.  That would give me two more communication options, which could be used for yes and no, or for times when there were two choices for something.  I asked Fuzz about it, and I simply got a normal brain pulse in response.  Similar to the way I could do the brain pulse thing to myself on purpose, I tried doing the pulse on just one side, and I did it.  Rather than going out just behind my ear, it would go out a bit above my ear.  I practiced it for both sides.

 

> Alright Fuzz, *center pulse* I think that a left pulse should mean yes, and a right pulse should mean no.  Do you understand?

 

*A few seconds of delay, got a normal brain pulse.*

 

> Can you control what direction the brain pulse goes?  Try both directions.

 

*I got a few normal brain pulses at first, but then suddenly I got one going left above my ear, then one right above my ear.  But then, something interesting happened.  I suddenly got another brain pulse to the left below the ear, and another to the right.  I didn't think much of it, though I did take note of it.*

 

I then started just randomly talking to Fuzz.  Not much was said in return except the occasional pulse.  I started talking to Fuzz about what I wanted her to become again, and eventually I started talking about "good" and "bad."  I started feeling stronger and stronger pulses from Fuzz, and I could tell that for some reason, she was very interested in this topic.  I then started pointing out a bunch of things that were good and bad.  I just happened to be cleaning the bathrooms at the time, so the first thing I said what that clean was good, and dirty was bad.  I then came up with an idea!

 

> Hey Fuzz, *center pulse* how about we make pulses above the ear yes and no, and pulses below the ear good and bad?  We can make left good, and no bad.

 

*After a short delay, I felt a left pulse, above the ear, quickly followed by another below the ear.*

 

I kept telling Fuzz a bunch of things that were good and bad.  Every time I said good or bad, she actually responded with the corresponding pulse!  I was surprised and happy that we were already starting to communicate.  The more I do it with her, the faster she responds.  At first, it would take 5-10 seconds to get a response.  Now, we can communicate at a normal conversation speed!

 

Also, I have been able to feel some of her emotions, though most of the time it was just confusion.  Most of the time it meant, "Why are you doing this?" or, "What is this for?"  I didn't actually hear these sentences in tulpish, but I could figure out what she meant whenever I got that confusion emotion.  That actually was before the good and bad thing!  I was wiping the filth off the toilet (I have four siblings, they make a mess), and I felt that confusion.  I explained that I was cleaning the toilet, but realizing that that didn't really explain why I was doing it, I then said that dirty is bad, and clean is good, which led to the above.

 

I think Fuzz has associated good with happy, she gives a little pulse below the ear on the left whenever I do something she likes.

 

Fuzz is developing much faster than I anticipated!  I'll continue communicating with her throughout the day, and I'll see if I can get some more time to focus on her alone.

 

I'm very excited!  I already love Fuzz, and I think she really loves me, too.

 

I'll be gone Thursday-Saturday, so you probably won't hear from me again until Saturday, unless I post later today.

 

Thank you all for reading this!

[Vampire]

You're making good progress. A few comments.

 

All I really did was tell Fuzz what I wanted her to become. I want it to be her decision entirely, but I also am going to tell her what I want her to be like, and what good things can come out of it.

 

I think I spent maybe a day listing traits to Ivy and from there on I just tried to kind of guide her on her choices but there were probably still some things she was deadset on. The Ivy I had originally imagined would have been nothing like the Ivy today. I'd say maybe expand what you are telling Fuzz a little. Instead of "I want you to become this" try "I want you to try and embody this because of XYZ". You don't want to instill expectations that they could then fail to meet and be upset over by accident.

 

Your communication system sounds pretty efficient. There are people in the past who have been able to use head pressures to communicate. Some use amounts such as two yes, three no, while others have used location. Whatever works best for you until they are vocal. For me it was mostly body language and facial expressions before vocality.

 

Yet again I'd point out making things black and white when teaching good and bad can be a negative. Everything is very much Ying and Yang; a little of each in the other. Bacteria is generally bad yet penicillin is good. Snake Venom is generally bad yet there are life saving medicines derived from it. Maybe try to simply expand on your reasoning for stating it to them instead of simply stating it.

 

Also, I have been able to feel some of her emotions, though most of the time it was just confusion.

 

That also sounds pretty normal. If the roles were reversed we'd all be very confused too.

[Douglas]

Instead of "I want you to become this" try "I want you to try and embody this because of XYZ". You don't want to instill expectations that they could then fail to meet and be upset over by accident.

 

Yeah, I know.  That's why I explain what good can come out of it.  I did explain to her that is entirely her decision, too.  I asked her if she understood, she replied with yes.

 

Yet again I'd point out making things black and white when teaching good and bad can be a negative.

 

Yes, I did think of that.  But when I tried to explain it to Fuzz (the fact that they were sometimes good and sometimes bad), I felt that confusion feeling again.  I'll keep that in mind, and continue working on it.

 

That also sounds pretty normal. If the roles were reversed we'd all be very confused too.

 

I know this is one of those "we'll never know" things, but I wonder if that's how we started out...?

[Vampire]

There's a theory out there that around birth and so on we start pretty much the same way and it takes us time to be able to settle as a being. Some attribute to most people not having super young memories to this.

(Unfortunately I forget what this theory is called)

 

I personally believe that tulpa are no different than hosts if they were to both form at the same time.

[Douglas]

I'm back!  In (an impressively short) summary, it was pretty much a 19-mile hike with handcarts.  I apologize, I just got back and I'm half asleep right now, I may accidentally say something stupid or make some embarrassing typo.

 

Now, since I was just hiking most of the day, I spent hours and hours each of those days doing passive forcing with Fuzz, and honestly, I completely ran out of things to talk about.  Seriously.

 

I started by explaining how exercise works since we were hiking so much.  Eventually it got to the point that I had so little to talk about, I taught Fuzz about different types of precipitation, all the different types of rocks, and at one point I even explained how a steam engine worked! xD 

 

After explaining anything, I would always ask to make sure Fuzz understood.  I think she is definitely starting to gain some sentience, as many times she would give me the answer I didn't expect at all.  Apparently I'm pretty good at explaining how a steam engine works! xD  She had a mix of yes and no answers when asking for her understanding, which helped calm my parrotnoia, and I think it really was her.  She now understands a lot more about how the world works, and I explained how days & nights, along with seasons occur.  I explained a lot, and I won't list it all here because I want to finish this post within the next decade.  

 

I wasn't able to work on certain things with Fuzz, because my memory disorders caused me to completely forget everything useful I read about tulpas, and I had no internet access at the time.

 

I sat down a while and imagined potential forms, and even drew some, but Fuzz never really agreed with any of them.  I'll keep trying, seeing if either I'll come up with something awesome, or if she does later.

 

I kept trying to imagine a wonderland, but for some reason I've had a lifelong problem of not being able to visualize *anything* without my mind going out of control and visualizing whatever it wants to (pull up a random noun generator, that's pretty much what my mind forces me to visualize).  I can't even imagine an empty room.  I cannot keep a constant image in my mind.  I'll continue reading the guides, but meanwhile, can some of you give me some tips regarding that issue specifically?  Thank you!

 

Also, since I've been working with Fuzz for so long, when I get that confusion feeling from her that I mentioned earlier, it takes me less guesses to figure out what she's confused about!  At first it would sometimes take me over five guesses to get it right, but now I can usually get it in just two or three, and sometimes I even get it right on first guess!

 

Also, like suggested earlier, I started explaining to Fuzz that most things are both bad and good, for multiple reasons, and I give both sides for everything I explain now.  For the first few hours it kind of made her confused (maybe because there was no right answer, so an opinion needed to be formed, which she's never really done much at all before?), but by the end she's started understanding very well, and she told me that she actually enjoys it when I tell her those kinds of things!  She is starting to form some opinions, and it's making me very happy!  We haven't had any disagreements so far, but once that starts happening I think that'll be a pretty sure sign of sentience.  I'm very excited! :D

 

Given what you all know so far, what should I be working on next?  There are a lot of things to work on, but I'm not sure what order to do them in.  Any suggestions?

 

Thank you!

[Vos]

I kept trying to imagine a wonderland, but for some reason I've had a lifelong problem of not being able to visualize *anything* without my mind going out of control and visualizing whatever it wants to (pull up a random noun generator, that's pretty much what my mind forces me to visualize).  I can't even imagine an empty room.  I cannot keep a constant image in my mind.  I'll continue reading the guides, but meanwhile, can some of you give me some tips regarding that issue specifically?  Thank you!

 

There are plenty of threads about intrusive thoughts and losing focus, which is what you're looking for: 

 

Spinning.

Thread Modes Things keep spinning when I force

Intrusive thoughts

Visualizing, and intrusive thoughts

and many more if you're willing to search for them.

 

These might not fit your problem perfectly, but the tips provided in them should be helpful enough. 

 

Given what you all know so far, what should I be working on next?  There are a lot of things to work on, but I'm not sure what order to do them in.  Any suggestions?

 

There's no set order, so just pick something that seems important, do your research, and go for it.

[Douglas]

It's been a few days, but there isn't too much to say.  I've been doing some passive forcing throughout the day, and I spend about an hour late at night for active forcing.  Visualization is my biggest problem, and I've been working on that a lot.  I encountered a guide (https://community.tulpa.info/thread-visualization-visualization-focus-guide) that's supposed to help with visualization focus, and this guide made it known to me how bad off I really am!  I've had many attempts, and my record is 14. I guess that's progress, as the first few times I tried it I struggled getting past 5... I blame ADHD.

 

Here are the four most common things that happen when trying that:

 

1. Random diagonal white lines flicker in and out of view, covering part of the number, kind of like glitching.

2. The colors become inverted, so the number is white and the canvas is black.

3. A completely random picture appears covering the number.  The picture never changes, and changes location every time I turn the page in my mind.

4. My mind zooms in and out on the number wildly.

 

I think practicing is making it better, but I'm still really struggling.

 

Fuzz keeps telling me (well, I gather that much when having conversations with her) that she really wants a decent (and preferably semi-permanent) form, very soon.  I keep drawing pictures on paper, creating them with my mind, etc., but she doesn't really like any of them.  I think that once a wonderland is created, her form may just come naturally, but like I said earlier, I can't even imagine an empty room without completely random things happening.  It helps if I visualize with my eyes open, but I still have trouble.  I'll continue reading and practicing, I hope I'll be able to get better at this quickly.

 

I compose music 5-10 hours every day (because "I have no life"), and I spend most of any extra time I have listening to professional music so I can better train my ears.  Fuzz really likes it when I listen to music.  We both have different opinions on what music sounds good, but we both ended up having the same composer so far (7 Minutes Dead is absolutely amazing).  It seems like I'm more attracted to music with great mixing and amazing sound design (like Dubstep, Drumstep, Drum & Bass, etc.), while Fuzz is more attracted to music with great melodies and song arrangement (like Chiptune, but also other genres if done right).  That's why I've been listening to a lot of Nitro Fun and Virtual Riot lately, because they combine those elements into something we can both enjoy!

 

Fuzz's favorite song:

My favorite song:

 

I just realized that so far, Fuzz has never heard a song that wasn't electronic....

 

I don't have a form for Fuzz yet, but I would like to start practicing vocality.  Should I create a form for her first, or is it not too early to start working on that?

 

Sorry, I'm a bit of a scatterbrain today....

 

Well, do any of you have any advice for us?  Thank you!

 

EDIT: Oh, and I'd just like you all to know that if I don't respond to you, that doesn't mean I ignored you. That advice was very helpful, thank you Vos!