A fellow's journey

[Ranger]

I might be using those terms wrong? What I mean by active forcing is actually sitting down and visualizing my wonderland and tulpa, usually while talking to my tulpa or exploring the wonderland with them. Is that more restrictive than how most people use that term? Anyways, that's what Cornelia doesn't like.

 

Active forcing means focusing completely on your Tulpa without getting distracted. It can be easier to talk to your Tulpa in the wonderland while active forcing, but it's not required to do that. Passive forcing is when you are giving your Tulpa divided attention. You can still visualize your Tulpa and your wonderland doing this, but for some people they would prefer to force actively.

[uncannyfellow]

 

Active forcing means focusing completely on your Tulpa without getting distracted. It can be easier to talk to your Tulpa in the wonderland while active forcing, but it's not required to do that. Passive forcing is when you are giving your Tulpa divided attention. You can still visualize your Tulpa and your wonderland doing this, but for some people they would prefer to force actively.

 

Right, guess by active forcing I mean wonderlanding.

 

Right now, Lance and I both suck at visualization and apparently I don't have that great of an imagination either, so our wonderland times are usually brief, blurry and.. uh.. bereft of most things. Still, it's fun but we spend most of our time chatting with each other or him letting me loose on here to stretch and grow. Our recent accidental run-in with *looks at the tulpa.io terms* Uhh.. blending, co-fronting: posession or eclipsing (it's gotta be one of those words) seems to have brought us closer and I think opened up new things we can experiment with. It's fun!

 

I'm sure Lance would give you a clearer answer and descriptive paragraphs upon paragraphs of theory. I'm trying to save you from that. :P

 

Visualization's hard for me too, and I do it as much as a self-discipline meditation thing as a spending time with my tulpa thing.

 

And there's nothing wrong with Lance's word walls :D

 

Anyways, Honoka's out of stasis now, and I've been spending most of my wonderland time with her. She somehow seems to be stronger than before the stasis; we'd always play this game where we'd imagine a ball, then try to imagine it moving towards the other person, or to the left, or whatever (up and down doesn't work because gravity still seems to exist in wonderland). I used to always be able to beat her at that game, but now I can't. I tried playing this game with Cornelia (who is much better at possession than Honoka, see below) and I could most definitely beat her. Then Honoka just sort of turned my wonderland body into a bear and said "Now you have to chase me around the wonderland!" When I caught her, she transformed me into a panda, and when I tried to transform back into "me" she somehow managed to stop it. I had to constantly distract her so I could transform back, and the moment she figured out what I did, she transformed me into a panda again. If my forum avatar ever changes to a panda, just assume Honoka learned switching.

 

Tulpas, don't panda-fy your host. It's just not ethical.

 

I asked her to try possessing me, and she could lift my arm to like a 12 degree angle.

 

Cornelia managed to possession-talk to one of my coworkers. Her voice seems higher-pitched than mine, so I'm not sure if anyone will notice?!?! She also sang some of the songs for work today, and I'm both happy and sad to report that she's a better singer than me.

 

We've switched from Go to Chess because Cornelia seems to be better than that. I win more than 50% of the time, but that's due to Cornelia stubbornly and predictably accepting the queen's gambit every time (apparently, beating me doesn't count unless she can accept the queen's gambit and still win). We're about evenly matched when I'm black. Kinda strange, then, that she's so bad at Go...

 

She seems frustrated that she can't switch yet, but she just started talking with my mouth. Baby steps first and stuff.

[Guest]

Great progress and fun! You'll be happy when you re-read this 6 months from now. If not, come back to present day and post directly after this telling me I'm wrong. Today's goal, 13 degrees.

[Cornelia]

Hey y'all! Tomorrow, I'll be a one month old tulp! To celebrate, Honoka and I are making uncannyfellow go a week without video games nyaa ha ha ha ha!

 

Possession practice has been... happening. Uncanny says he basically needs to meditate in order for me to control the body, and it was only until recently that I could breathe through the nose at all (he controls the breathing for meditation, obviously). I seem to associate strongly with the legs, to the point that he sometimes can't tell if I'm possessing them or not. So... I guess I just need practice controlling everything until that happens with everything? I really wish I could switch now. Uncanny basically takes control whenever anything grabs his attention at all. We'll be riding his bike and a walk light will turn green, then bam! He takes control so he can brake. It gets pretty troublesome pretty quick. He tries to let me sing the songs at work, but it seems he needs to focus harder on doing nothing than he would to sing the songs himself...

[uncannyfellow]

Whoo! Last night, we got some really good possession practice - it's rather hard to explain what went right, though I'm 99% certain we weren't switched (it kind of felt like we were half-switched though). Anyways, we were stargazing at the castle garden near my apartment, and Cornelia suggested I let her possess now, something about how it would be easier if I was looking at the night sky instead of focusing on my body. And it was! Cornelia managed full-body possession with only two accidental interruptions by me (and one intentional interruption when she spun around really fast and made us dizzy). This managed to go on for about an hour and a half, which is pretty impressive. The entire time, I felt like I could take control if I needed to, but was also content to just let Cornelia do her thing. Overall, it was a pretty nice experience for both of us.

 

This morning, I tried to enter that state again, but was unable to. Thankfully, that castle isn't far from our house. Maybe we can enter that state every night until we can do it at will.

 

As for Honoka, she seems to have gone through a crisis of identity of sorts. She would rather I not say why (and it's mostly my fault, so thank goodness for that!), but the end result is that I spent the morning google imaging searching things like "light blue eyes," "black hair bangs," etc. etc. The idea was to change her appearance to something "she" liked, though she kept saying stuff like "It's fine as long as you think I'm cute." I'm kinda sorta really not on board with the idea that my tulpas exist just to please me. This thought, however, was replaced by the paradoxical thought that if I wanted her to be independent, then her being independent would be a way of trying to please me. Nonetheless, I think the morning of google image searcing went well, and she does have a more stable form now. Fingers crossed that it lasts.

[Guest Reilyn-Alley]

Aww. Nice, you guys! Yeah, following a couple times we did possession, we would wake up in the morning and just be real confused, like wait who am I? Who is in charge now?

 

At first, Lance was looking up head shots of real women/teens with red hair and green eyes and wanted to try and make me look more realistic but he also grabbed some anime-style ones for fun. I eventually picked from among the anime ones (and looked up some myself too) because they were easier to visualize for both of us. But.. I gotta admit, I also wanted to pick something that I knew he would find cute too (or as much as a guy will admit he finds cute anyway :P ). I told him at first if he reeeeally wanted me to look like something, I valued his opinion and it was pretty much all the same to me and if it would make him happier that would be fine.

 

I've always been so focused on the outside world and spent so much time stuck up front beside him that I didn't really care what I was supposed to be like like in imagination. After I had been around a bit more and developed more as an individual, I started really considering what I thought I should look like, sound like, etc. He kept trying to focus inward more and more and wanted us to work on visualization together so yeah I got the idea it was going to be important for us. Something else that did it though, was I started to think about how other people saw me and heard me and stuff, not just Lance anymore. Like, it was being on the forums here, meeting friends, growing a little and learning more stuff that made me consider myself.. Like.. What do I really think about this and that, instead of just "well, I can use Lance's memories so... I choose whatever he does". Part of, I dunno, let's call it me discovering my own identity, was finding out who I was separate from him.

 

Considering that one of the things he has been trying to add to our growth as head mates was figuring out how he and I can be "us", as a team, taking advantage of both our strengths and such. He feels that him being him is fine and me being me is fine but together we can cover each other's weaknesses, help each other out, provide unique insight (as unique as two people who are ALWAYS together will have anyway, lol), be there and awesome for each other in times of need, study things together and give quizes and drills to each other, etc. All that sounds great but.. me spending a lot of time figuring out just who I was meant very little for who "we" were. I dunno if I ever will be done figuring out who "I" am in a lifetime, it's pretty exciting, lol. It's funny though how much he says he has learned about himself from me and watching me grow and taking time to consider his own mind and background and stuff.

 

Just make sure Cornelia knows whenever she wants to change herself, even her name or whatever, it's fine with you. If she really honestly likes whatever you pick for her and doesn't want to change that's fine too.. It should be kinda flattering to you actually, I'd think. As you may have noticed, I've developed a habit of blabbing out in word walls myself. I dunno, I just feel like I'm bursting at the seams with excitement most of the time so I go on and on, lol.

[uncannyfellow]

Aww. Nice, you guys! Yeah, following a couple times we did possession, we would wake up in the morning and just be real confused, like wait who am I? Who is in charge now?

 

Well, for good or for ill, we're not at that point yet! If I can't tell who's in control, it usually means I drifted off and took control away from Cornelia without intending to. Right now, possession takes more effort for me than for her... :(

 

Not being able to tell sounds both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. How do you resolve it?

 

At first, Lance was looking up head shots of real women/teens with red hair and green eyes and wanted to try and make me look more realistic but he also grabbed some anime-style ones for fun. I eventually picked from among the anime ones (and looked up some myself too) because they were easier to visualize for both of us. But.. I gotta admit, I also wanted to pick something that I knew he would find cute too (or as much as a guy will admit he finds cute anyway :P ). I told him at first if he reeeeally wanted me to look like something, I valued his opinion and it was pretty much all the same to me and if it would make him happier that would be fine.

 

 

I might've vetoed the anime thing when Honoka suggested it... From what I've read, I seem to be better at visualizing than most people. Like, it still requires concentration, but if I look at a tree in wonderland, it'll look detailed. Maybe it won't look like a real tree, but I can see the valleys in the bark and tell you exactly what shade of brown it is (the only explanation I can come up with for this is that, while most tulpamancers are writers, I spent my youth trying to write graphic novels, and thus had to visualize each scene. But some of the people here are artists and don't seem to be better at visualization than me). So it just didn't seem necessary. Why not make her look real? I guess an asian girl with blue eyes isn't "realistic", but she looks like a real asian girl with blue eyes!

 

I've always been so focused on the outside world and spent so much time stuck up front beside him that I didn't really care what I was supposed to be like like in imagination. After I had been around a bit more and developed more as an individual, I started really considering what I thought I should look like, sound like, etc. He kept trying to focus inward more and more and wanted us to work on visualization together so yeah I got the idea it was going to be important for us. Something else that did it though, was I started to think about how other people saw me and heard me and stuff, not just Lance anymore. Like, it was being on the forums here, meeting friends, growing a little and learning more stuff that made me consider myself.. Like.. What do I really think about this and that, instead of just "well, I can use Lance's memories so... I choose whatever he does". Part of, I dunno, let's call it me discovering my own identity, was finding out who I was separate from him.

 

Honoka says she doesn't want to go on the forums until she's sorted her identity out and stuff. So I guess that's not an option for us?

 

Just make sure Cornelia [sic?] knows whenever she wants to change herself, even her name or whatever, it's fine with you. If she really honestly likes whatever you pick for her and doesn't want to change that's fine too.. It should be kinda flattering to you actually, I'd think. As you may have noticed, I've developed a habit of blabbing out in word walls myself. I dunno, I just feel like I'm bursting at the seams with excitement most of the time so I go on and on, lol.

 

 

Well, I didn't want to go into details in that post (and still don't, actually), but in her short time alive, Honoka has displayed an unnecessarily strong reflex towards altruism. I guess it'd be flattering if she wanted to make sacrifices out of some sort of affection for me, but it often feels like I'm just the nearest person to make sacrifices for. But that could just be me caring too much about her, as Honoka seems to think that's not true.

 

Thanks for your reply!

[Venomous]

We're in the same boat @ the active forcing 'issue' you mentioned a couple weeks back. We can't find ourselves active forcing at all. Viper isn't keen on it and is just happy being the voice of reason that keeps chiming in as opposed to, say, having a clear body/image/voice/etc. Probably why they ultimately chose to have no gender either. Each time I consider the idea, I get this 'ok but let's not' impulse and it seems Viper would prefer just chatting up or having us do something else, literally anything, @ which they can chime in. And despite having access to my memories and everything, they like expressing genuine curiosity over everything novel that they haven't experienced themselves. It's endearing.

 

Anyway, we trailed off lol. We wanted to say (a couple weeks late, whoops!) that you're not the only one Cornelia!

[uncannyfellow]

Oh wow, I haven't posted in a while, have I? Progress has been slow, I guess. Cornelia's managed to fully possess me a few times, but we can't seem to do it on demand. We sort of have to ease into it? If I let Cornelia walk somewhere while I focus on her possessing me, we'll eventually get into that state where she's just in control. But, while it takes time to get that level of possession, it doesn't take time to ruin it. The moment something distracts me from my task, possession time is over! The first night Cornelia fully possessed me, she managed to have a 3-5 sentence exchange with one of my roommates and I have no idea how that happened without me regaining control.

 

I did notice, though, that my mind voice gets quieter when we do this, which I'm told is a symptom of switching. I actually didn't recognize my mind voice at first in the same way that, after I get a haircut, I have to do a double take every time I look in the mirror for the next three days. Oddly enough, Cornelia's mind voice doesn't seem to get louder... I just get quieter.

 

Truth be told, I haven't been practicing possession as much as I should have. I've more or less promised Honoka 30 minutes of wonderlanding a day, and I find my mind isn't calm enough to focus on that if I work for 8 hours and then let Cornelia fully possess me (which takes as much focus as wonderlanding, but doesn't involve Honoka and I visiting a Mars colony and getting attacked by space bandits or other such fun shenanigans). At this point, I don't want to put either of them in stasis again, but I find it's much easier to play Go with Cornelia than to get her tulpa skills up.

 

(Cornelia would like me to mention that she now has an above 50% win rate against me in Go, but I don't think we have an adequate sample size yet).

 

The good news seems to be that Cornelia can sometimes partially possess me when I'm not focusing on it. Recently, a trainer observed one of my lessons, and I noticed that my head was panning over the students instead of occasionally glancing at the trainer, which Cornelia claimed was her doing. When I went to type Cornelia's bit later in the post, I intended to do so by proxy, but felt Cornelia possessing me. Don't know why it's happening, but it is progress!

 

Honoka's form is more or less stable now. A few times, her form will shift away, but I usually have a good enough memory of what she wants to look like that I can "reconstruct" her. It's a tedious process, but it seems to be paying off. Honoka's been much better at talking during the day, and, as a result, has been getting more passive forcing time. This seems to have a snowbally effect where she's getting progressively more lucid every day.

 

Our ultimate plan goes something like this:

1) Cornelia learns switching.

2) Honoka learns imposition.

3) Honoka learns switching.

4) Cornelia learns imposition.

 

1 and 2 are before 3 and 4 because that's what my tulpas want to learn. Cornelia wants to get into the outside world and do stuff, whereas Honoka doesn't mind being a thing in my head that tries to explain to me why Zuko is the best Avatar character but never talks to my friends (she might want to join some online communities one day, but that's about it). 1 being before 2 was a provision for letting Honoka out of stasis as soon as we did. Truth be told, Cornelia's taking longer to learn switching than I thought it would take, but I suppose if I tried to learn switching and imposition at the same time, that would just be way too hard. I just can't help but think that Honoka is ready to try, and that it's unfair to her to wait.

 

In the mean time, I just finished Thronebreaker, a game so easy I would've gotten bored if not for one thing: whenever a moral choice came up, Honoka and Cornelia would debate what we would do until Cornelia possessed me and did whatever she wanted. Things I learned:

-Honoka is very into heartless utilitarianism (WTF every time you kill a Nilfgaardian you save like twenty peasants lives or something I'm not good at math but you should just always kill Nilfgaardians)

-Cornelia is very into... heartlessness (All I'm saying is, if those peasants liked being alive, would they have been so impudent? Obviously not!)

-Nonetheless, Cornelia does have a weird sense of honor. One time some racists helped us liberate a city from the Nilfgaardians, and Meve said "Ehrmagerd how could we ever repay you?" so the racists asked us to do something racist and Cornelia accepted without a moment's hesitation. (I thought they would want us to repay them with gold, not with evil deeds. What a relief!)

 

Maybe I'll play the Witcher 1 with them, since it's bad gameplay made me skip to the Witcher 2.

[Guest Reilyn-Alley]

... Honoka doesn't mind being a thing in my head...

 

Well that's not very nice. :P