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A Confused Tulpa & Host Adventures


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Day 219 — Hello, everyone! It sure has been a while has it? I’m not sure what to say. It’s been a little rough for me since Oji keeps reading his books. Occasionally, he would start a conversation for a while before reading his book again. I feel a bit powerless. But it’s not like he doesn’t care about me. I know he still loves me, but I can’t help but remember how fascinated he was of me when I first came about. Perhaps things’ll change for me after writing this down. (THANKFULLY! WE STILL DO SATURDAY DATE NIGHTS, OTHERWISE I WOULD HAVE TO GET GRUMPY AT HIM AGAIN ?) Still, Oji is my treasure. Even though we disagree with some things (Like which anime to watch XD), we care for each other, and trust one another.

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Year 1, Day 30 — Well well, look who's back?


I'm sure y'all haven't heard from me since a looong time ago. But, well, I have decided to write my journal again. Miss my journal. Anyway, after reading my previous writing fluff, I decided that I would do my best to get things straight to the point. But well, where to start?


December 16, 2019 — The day I got a second tulpa


Well, the story is never that simple. I was in my gym and I needed edge in my mental zone. I figured, what better way could I get it than creating a more 'vicious' me? Well, long story short, it sorta worked. I mean, I did create a more vicious version of myself but that version, as you may have expected, began to deviate into a genderless personality known as 'Subra'. I did have my skeptics, but this was clearly not what I was trying to create and I did wanted to erase it.


But, here's the caveat, I didn't erase it in the end. I FELT BAD. (Could you please forgive me for that?)


Sabby: My existence is an accident 😛 (It's a joke, help save me)


Anyway, Subra eventually developed into an entity known as 'Sabby'. Which, through reason, I decided that Ivory really needed a friend because she was a lonely fart when I'm working/doing stuff. Eventually, Sabby developed into a freckled girl (which we somewhat decided through a conversation together on what gender it wanted) with a sort-of bob cut. I might have to learn how to draw so that you guys could see what she looks like. Either that, or THE INTERNET.


I would describe Sabby as, previously, a somewhat masculine 'cool' american girl, a complete opposite to what Ivory was. Perhaps it was the upbringing, or my not-quite divided attention, that made Sabby a sleepy introverted sweet little bub. I have no idea, whatsoever, how that happened. It must be the unhealthy amount of sleeping, but I concluded that it had something to do with leaning over to Ivory's personality set. Right now, we're working on her personality and imposition so that she doesn't get left behind.


April 13, 2020 — Ivory's Birthday


A day to behold, my first tulpa's birthday. I made sure of myself to NOT FORGET. Else I be sent to a thousand hells (Metaphorically, speaking). We made sure to celebrate and have a fun day together. Note, this was a few months after Sabby was manifested, so you'd be thinking that she's pretty developed right? Well, she's a bit of a late-bloomer because I was thinking too much of myself, doing other things. But that doesn't matter anymore. Anyway, I made a strawberry cheesecake for her and Sabby took her time in making a white wool-knit sweater for Ivory, that said "I IS LOVING".


We surprised her in the wonderland and celebrated her birthday. Oh wait, I forgot to sang the birthday song! Shit!


Ivory: Hardy har. It didn't really matter anymore. They gave me a surprise party that left me happy for days. I got a tshirt of my (Sort-of) favorite novel from Oji, and a sweater from Sabby. She's a cute little wink when you don't deserve it.


And so we spent the whole day happily.


May 10, 2020 — The Conflict


It started with a date, just me and Ivory, to a park. It's not the first time we've done that, but it's a nice place to just talk. I decided it was best to do another date because I haven't been spending too much time with Ivory, and I was neglecting both her and Sabby. SOOOOO, I wanted to make up for them because they seemed pessimistic and down for the past few days. But it turned out to be one of the most disastrous dates we've ever had.


So we were walking down the park and I tried to smooth things out with some witty jokes. I didn't have much, nor ones that are that great, but I wanted to break the ice. She seemed pretty down lately. We spoke about and had a bit of a light-hearted chuckle until we got to a bench, overseeing a pond (That turned to a different park that overlooked skyscrapers instead, weird).

Ivory: It was all going well at the start, I was laying on Oji's lap but he said he had trouble seeing my face cause it kept changing. So I changed my form into something a bit more constant, like a plain blank mannequin. Not the one you'd see in stores, but eeeeeeh. A blank canvas somewhat. But yeah, as I was saying, Oji had a bit of a Parrot Dilemma going on for a while and even with the mannequin form it still shifted. Maybe it was the thought that my host didn't think I was real, that got me scared. That doubt he looks at me sometimes, makes me scared. Like, what if my whole existence was a lie?


So... long story short, I flipped.


She wanted to dissipate. It's happened twice already, and she feels like her life doesn't mean anything. The last time this happened, she shrugged it off as a joke. But when it happened again, she was bawling her eyes out and she looked like she was seriously going to do it. Ivory asked me if she should dissipate. As though she had a gun over her head, and she was asking me if I wanted her to die. And the problem was, I really thought of it. I didn't want her to leave, but somewhere along the line I told her, that "If you want to leave, it's fine. I'm not forcing you or anything. But I really do want to make this work somehow."


And that's why she stayed. I felt relieved. I must've really neglected her happiness for her to end up this way. I was thinking too much of work and school and personal development, that I neglected to care for my tulpas. And that was a problem I resolved to fix that night. Permanently.


Stayed up for a while and seriously worked on visualizations. I wasn't a fan of staring at my tulpas for hours while they slept, but yeah. It's been a while.






Edited by KoejiSllycc
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