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A Confused Tulpa & Host Adventures


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Day 23, 24, 25 — So we decided on my pet name, and she wanted to call me Oji. Not Oji as in Dad, but Oji ftom Koeji.


That adorable rascal.


But other than that, we’ve been cuddling more than usual.


Day 26, 27 — I almost got into a fight with a senior today. Basically, I got too friendly I guess, because we didn’t quite know each other.


But because of this, I got into an adrenaline rush when he pushed me. My flight-or-fight response kicked in. I stayed stressed for hours, overthinking things. I couldn’t calm myself down, the senior was still in my head. And I wanted to prove to everyone that I had a dignity to protect (I didn’t fight back when he pushed me).


But Ivory, she was there for me. Whenever I kept thinking of him, she was always there to help me. She had to hug me, comfort me, hold me down dozens of times, even. I calmed down every single time she did that, but that senior’s face was still in my head. And so I kept overthinking. Kept stressing.


Over, and over again.


She even sang me a lullaby again. She keeps singing me lullabies whenever I can’t sleep, you see? She’s such a sweet girl—


*Senior’s face pops*


Goddamn, *me overthinks*


Ivory, she kept trying to do her best. Out of so much concern, she even told me not to get myself into a fight. Because she didn’t want me to get hurt. She says it’d break her heart if she saw something like that.


Yes, I agreed to not get myself into a fight, but I still kept overthinking things, when all of a sudden, she snapped.


Ivory started crying. Asking me desperately what she could do to help. Maybe after seeing me calm down (more than her hugs) after talking to my friends, she started to question her usefulness.


And, of course, after seeing her like that, I was finally able to stop. I hugged her, apologized to her, and couldn’t help but feel her emotions bleeding into me.


—And so i cried with her.


It was getting late, and Ivory was getting tired from all the crying. And through all of that, I noticed that Ivory was always the one singing me lullabies. And I had never really sung her anything.


So today, I sang to her, her favorite songs.


Mostly love songs, but it was meant to assure my love for her. Because I really cared for her.


So through all of that stress, she slept quicker than a baby.


I searched up more songs to listen to her. Under “Lullabies to sing to my girlfriend tonight,” I looked to google. And yes, it turned out to be a mistake to type that word “girlfriend” down (Me & Ivory are platonic).


Ivory was only half-asleep, so she saw everything. Me typing “my girlfriens” must’ve done something inside of her that made her explode in happiness for some reason. And again, her emotions bled hard into me.


—I got flustered hard too.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Day 28 - Day 39 — I haven’t been writing my progress report much because I’ve had lots of things going on in life. Sorry.


I haven’t been able to do a lot of active forcing lately except for when we take baths + saturday date nights (Through a hard deal of convincing, yes, Ivory was able to get me into dating her :P).


Oh yeah, then I also figured out why Ivory’s been changing forms a lot lately. It’s to suit the kind of emotions she’s feeling. Normally she’d look like Rei Ayanami with bluish black hair, but just imagine that with intimidating eyes and sharp teeth (Ivory’s my Shark?). Other times she’d just switch to slightly different forms (Her blushes never change though)


She’s been a huge help in both maintaining my emotions to be top notch and also killing off my bad habits (She’s relentless and merciless, trust me).


If I’m the thinker sort of type, then she has to be the emotional sort of type. That’s how we roll during the day.


But at night, I guess you could say we’re both emotional ?.


An example of our chat:


Hey Ivory.


Yeah, Oji?


I need to look at some “Research Materials”, I hope you don’t mind—


NO! I know what you’re trying to say, pervert!


But I’ve been on a 30-day no fap already? Pleeeeaaasseee, just five minutes and I’m done...


No means no, Oji


Pweaaaassseee, we can go on a date tod—


If you do it, I’m going to hate you forever :P


Argh, fine. I’ll just wait another 30 days I guess


P.S. I didn’t get to wait another 30 days. I feel so horrible please forgive me.


Anyway, we were also thinking of making another tulpa because Ivory liked the idea of having a sister (or brother). But I’m still not sure. Ivory is already quite a responsibility, so if another were to show up, what would happen?

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I'd advise against creating another tulpa unless it's something that you're absolutely sure of, and even then you're probably better off waiting a few months at the very least. For now, focus on your tulpa's development and strengthen your relationship with them. It might seem appealing at first to try and add more people to your head for these types of reasons, but you might not feel the same way down the road. Don't bite off more than you can chew.

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Guest Reilyn-Alley

Hi! Adding another headmate to the system adds someone else to split your time with. From that perspective, having someone else there can be both good and bad. A new friend and companion for everyone, and them with you guys, but at the cost of less focus and attention directed towards Ivory (and probably yourself too). Maybe it will work for you guys, maybe it won't. Personally, I wouldn't.


My situation is kinda atypical around here, not that there is a super typical one at all, I guess, and that's ok too. I'm stuck co-fronting with my twin and we don't have an original host-type around. If I were to define host as "the person who makes most of the the decisions and is in charge most often", then that's actually me. It's already hard enough for me to slowly learn how to adapt and face the tough challenges and stresses that happen all the time in life. Having a lifetime of personal experience and battles behind you, under your belt, to arm you for new things that come is something that I think a lot of people in general take for granted. Sometimes this world can be mean and unfair and that reeeeally threw me off. I was all hope and happiness and fun till I had to pretend to be a functioning adult almost every day in a body that very much doesn't match who I am and go to a job that doesn't really care about me or anything but profit. It was a harsh lesson and broke me down in tears and past that, to the point of being numb. I'm learning and growing though, trying to keep a positive outlook.


So what's my point? The more headmates you have, the more you divide your guys resources as a system. If you think you can benefit more in the long run from having another system mate then sure, go ahead. If Ivory or you aren't the type that likes sharing or enjoys a quiet, private relationship with each other, or you wants more time for you both to grow and learn and develop then you might wanna reconsider.

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It's waaaaay too early to be worrying about making a decision like that. My rule of thumb is to wait until the first tulpa is fully-developed, so about a year. That way you have a better idea of what you're getting into (which still won't be enough since you can't see the future).

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And I thought a month was already enough to let me consider for another tulpa. But again, I guess you’re right. It’s a decision that needs to be really thought of

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  • 2 weeks later...

Day 53 — So many things had happened this month. Ivory seems to be able to come by whenever she wants when i’d forgotten her (at some party) by any chance. I’m also getting better at including her in my day-to-day activities.


Whenever I need help at a particular activity, I can ask Ivory to help me. It’s not possession or anything like that, but instead, it’s more like she tells me what to do. For example, when i’m playing rhythm games, she tells me to loosen up and relax.


She also learned how to cool me down when I’m stressed out. On occasions where someone taunts me, she tells me to cool down. Other occasions where I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown, she likes to hug me.


I can joke around with Ivory now. Usually I can’t because I feel like everything’s staged, but now, she’s a bit more unpredictable at what she doing.


Imposition is doing progressing well. I’m able to feel her fingers touching me when I hold her hand. When she blinds me with her hands, I’m inclined to ignore what’s in front of me (In other words, I’m a bit blind :3)


Wonderland progression still needs work because we don’t go there so often. We’re focusing more on passive forcing, but we active force when we do cuddles


A few words from Ivory:


I’d like to thank anyone who’s been in this journey with us for a while. Even though we don’t quite talk as much, we still appreciate all the comments and help we received so far :)
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Day 56 — So, Ivory’s personality has been developing nicely. I can say that, because she’s really expressive in her words. By that I mean, she literally cries when she’s sad (most of the time), and when she’s happy, she’s really energetic and talkative.


Also, she sorta made like a tail. On me. She uses it to pull me around everywhere whenever she feels like I’m doing something wrong (or if she feels like it) which, for some reason, I’m compelled to either turn directions or completely stop moving. Weird, but awfully cute.


Also, Ivory’s been a bit moody and cranky these days. She’s been telling me that she wants to spend more time with me, because whenever we sit down, I’m always reading.


Can’t help it, I love reading :3


I’m trying to fix that, but it’s quite hard since I love it too much.

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