Daniel's Tulpa Progress Log

[CyberD]

Ramble....

Every time I read a story it gets me thinking. Sometimes it inspires me to try again at writing my own content (someday I'll write a full novel but who knows when that'll be.) Other times stories get me thinking about other things.

 

This time I read a story about some kids in highschool. Sounds like a pretty simple premise right. There are two things that swayed my train of thought once I finished reading. The first is the fact that I used to be that age (it really wasn't that long ago) the second is Noah.

 

So very often I find myself wondering what it would be like if Noah were real. If he were truly physical. If he went to school, if he got to do things his age. I'm sure he'd have a blast and learn a lot, make a whole bunch of friends and maybe excel at some sport.

Wait a second, I've done all that before.

 

I'm 23. Noah appears 13, technically he's 1 and 8 months but that's not really the point I'm getting at.

I imagine Noah being like I was at that age but the more I think about it the less I can remember. I'm not getting old, I don't have alzheimer's, I simply don't remember.

Specifically I don't remember what I was thinking. How I felt about things. So if I barely remember what it was like to be 13 how could I possibly know how Noah is supposed to feel?

 

Making a tulpa is a strange thing that's for sure. There are so many questions I don't know where to begin. I'm not sure how I should feel knowing when I started with him I didn't ask myself any of those questions. Why did I make Noah the way he is? Why is his personality the way it is? Why am I overcomplicating it now by asking so many questions I've already gone over.

 

I think in a lot of ways I'm trying to justify things about Noah to myself that don't really mean anything.

Without being long winded about it right now I'm sitting on the idea that Noah is a kid because I miss being one. I remember some of the stuff that happened and I miss it. Thirteen year old me was lucky, he had fun, had plenty of friends and things to strive for but beyond all else he was completely oblivious..... he didn't think about other people's feelings, he barely even thought about his own feelings. It was all about doing, following whatever routine and having fun along the way, there was nothing else to it. Now it's needlessly complicated.

 

It'd probably make a good book, going back in time and talking to him. I wonder if I'd tell him about Noah or not. I know for sure I'd sit them next to each other and think about it. They'd probably almost look like brothers, Noah the more confident bold and cheeky one but young me would be strong in his own ways.

Regardless I could never write that story without making up a whole bunch of stuff because I can't even begin to imagine how young me would react. It's really strange to say I think I know Noah better than I know that young kid. I looked at a couple of photos and I barely remember him.....

 

Yeah, that was a pretty lame ramble. Doesn't matter if no one is reading because it goes down as something I can read in years to come. If only thirteen year old me cared anything on his own.

 

Eh, relate it to tulpa? Well, how about this. having a tulpa makes your think about yourself because it is a part of yourself.

[CyberD]

Normal Day

When coming up with ideas for what to talk about I often overlook what happens every day. The simple time I spend with Noah.

 

Having a tulpa is something I've become very used to. When nothing else is going on he's there and with no distractions we do talk quite a lot. Just like with a real person we don't really talk about much of consequence. Imagine what you'd talk to a friend about, that's what we talk about.

 

The weather, the immediate environment. There is no thoughts about him not really being there because part of the process is ignoring that fact and simply accepting that even though he's not physical I can still imagine he's there.

If it's hot outside he'll make a remark, if it's cold inside he might shiver. Noah copes well with the heat, he doesn't sweat, instead he focuses that imaginary flame inside him. In the cold he shivers though, I asked him about it and made fun of him for subjecting himself to it when he could so easily wrap himself in warmth. He'll suffer with me he says, but a little cold doesn't count for much "suffering."

 

It really is the little things. The time you spend with people is how you remember them when it's all done. I remember the things that happen during the days/weeks/months I've spent with other people and I remember the things Noah has been a part of in just the same way.

 

Remembering the things we've done, the things we've said and the places we've seen makes it a lot easier to go on. Those memories feel just as real as all of my others and that fact that Noah is only a tulpa holds less meaning than it would have at the time.

[CyberD]

Comfort Zone

I've been stuck with Noah for quite a while now, it doesn't feel like it's been that long but longing at the calendar proves it.

At this stage I find trying new things with him to be difficult. Without realizing it I have developed a comfort zone. I know what my tulpa experience is all about, I know what I expect and the things I don't. Noah is consistent that's for sure. I wish more people in my life were as consistent as him but I guess it's hard to beat your own mind.

Recently I noticed how much I feel Noah's presence. When he's around I know where he is physically, the best way I can describe it is I know where his body is in relation to mine. One instance stands out for me and that was when I was in bed. Lights are out and we just talk, not about anything meaningful, just talk. Even though I can't see him I know exactly where he is without even thinking about it. He rolls over or wriggles around under the sheets and I imagine the sounds he makes. It's nothing as dramatic as imposition, just a conditioned imagination. Still, it's something.

 

It's hard to know if other people really feel the same way about their own tulpa. Everyone makes their own way through the process with their own expectations and results. Because we can never read their minds we can only guess how others are progressing even if they tell us.

 

I really wish I had more to say but recently I just don't. I could detail our interactions but no one wants to hear endless rambling, just like you don't read the pages of a strangers diary. For now I guess all I can offer are nice words. Keep at it, never stop, your tulpa is as important as you believe they are.

[Korzant]

When it comes to identifying where my Tulpa is I found it harder but more effective to try and keep her in my field of view.

When I am walking she typically falls behind me slightly to my flank and still sometimes feels like she's in ball form orbiting my head.

 

I do know I am easily distracted, I live inside my head a lot but it seems like you're able to keep Noah in mind on an almost constant basis, something I'm envious of I will admit! Mira is not particularly vocal (I'm not sure how often Noah talks on his own?) but she typically is not one to start a conversation, something I feel is a detriment to keeping her in mind.

 

Do you have any suggestions as to how to keep her "with me" more? She loves to interact when I start the conversation but she stays silent unless acted upon. Any advice would really help me Cyber!

[CyberD]

Hi again Korzant. Some advice? Well I'll be first to say I get distracted a lot even though I spend a lot of time thinking, Noah isn't always around but I try my best.

Like you I found Noah used to fall behind a lot when I was walking, he'd always rest just on the edge of my sight by walking beside or just behind me. Sometimes that's fine but I find I get distracted by other ideas quite easily when that happens. On good days I find that Noah is more active, he's a kid, an older kid who does stuff because he can get away with it, he'll balance on fences, run ahead or purposefully walk right through the people I have to walk around. It's not big stuff but he gets involved with the world around us, it's mine just as it is his.

 

Another thing I'll say is that I notice color a lot when Noah isn't the center of my visualizations. He has different outfits and through my practice visualizing I tend to pick up a lot on color. In the past it used to be a lot of green but now that changes a lot. Right now I see him wearing white and cream colored jackets a lot. Noticing that and thinking about it gets it stuck in my head which is great for keeping my wandering focus on Noah.

 

I dunno if that will help or not but at the end of the day it all comes down to practice, getting used to it. I must sound like a broken record saying that over and over but that's truly the sum of my experiences. Noah commands the strongest presence when I've been consistent with him, both over the short and long term. Getting him involved in anything helps and it also creates those all important memories which help out over the long term. Do you remember when we did this together? Do you remember when you did that?

 

Just coming up with examples earlier feels really weird, he's not real but those memories are just as real as my memories with actual people. Maybe looking back at what you've already achieved might help you going forward. They don't have to be significant memories, just ones you share.

 

Also, try not to get caught up on negatives, I know I do and it never really helps. If I get really sidetracked for hours or even a whole day there is nothing I can do to change it, instead I concern myself more with what we have done and what we will continue to do.

[CyberD]

Keeping busy

It's been a little while since I posted anything and the reasons for that are pretty boring. What I have noticed however is that Noah is important enough to me to exist outside of this site. All too often I see people go away from the site and forget all about their tulpa.

In my case that didn't happen. In fact barely looking at the site for a good period of time had no negative effects at all.

 

Noah has well and truly become part of my life. He has his own opinions, his own feelings and he enjoys a good discussion. Most importantly he is changing over time. They aren't big changes but just a lot of little things that make him different from say a character in a book. He's like a normal person in that regard, most of the things aren't even noteworthy but he comes up with new things all the time without me having to dwell on them. He wears different clothes, brings up different ideas for discussion, even laughs at things.

 

Voice

His voice is something we've struggled with for a long time but finally, at least for the foreseeable future, I think I've a voice I think suits him. It comes from a game which just so happens to include a resource that allows playback of several hundred voice files. It's not like Noah has simply adopted this voice but occasionally I notice he's using it, be it a laugh, a reaction or just something simple. So far I notice his voice (and almost actually hear it) not when he's speaking in full sentences but during reactions, single line retorts or when he laughs.

I think it'll take quite a long time before I know if it has stuck or not but for the time being I am hopeful we can make some progress in an area we've been really bad since the very beginning. Even after all this time Noah is still changing and I hope that he always will be.

 

That said he still looks just like the kid in the reference photos.

[CyberD]

Taking it all for granted

The longer I work with Noah the more I come to realize how much I take him for granted. That's saying a whole lot considering what he is.

He's just there, always someone to talk to when it gets quiet or when I'm alone, he's also there when other people are around. Not so much but we do our best.

Who would have thought I'd be entertaining this idea for so long. That this character who came into being on a whim would last so long.

 

I don't impose him but when I look at him my visualizations are so strong. I don't even think about it any more, I don't see the details, just him. It's all there of course, I just don't stop to think about it. He wears his black jacket over his blue and white shirt. He wears the purple jeans that were matched with the outfit. Or, he could wear something completely different. That stuff happens just like the smile on his face or the witty retort. It's just like spending time with an actual person, what matters most is the events, the time you spend, all that other stuff is there and you just take it for granted.

 

From the beginning I think the one thing I didn't anticipate was how much Noah would enjoy the moment. It doesn't have to be a special moment, just any time he's around. Whether he's just sitting beside me or balancing on a fence while I'm walking alongside it, he's just there, never complaining, just having fun.

 

If you've had your tulpa a while, or even if you haven't. Stop and acknowledge them for who they are every now and again. The daily grind isn't so bad with someone else around.

[Bin]

I totally know how you feel man. It's not terribly interesting, but it's really comforting. After about 2 years of having one it just becomes a part of your life. I find it very difficult to think where I'd be now without Scarlet. That's why I never even had much of a journal. Like, after a while, what is there to say?

 

I never take mine for granted, I always like reflecting on the good times you spend with them.

[CyberD]

Well, I haven't been doing a lot of talking the last few months but if I'm not too lazy I can always find something to ramble about. Even after so long I still notice things I didn't really think about before.

 

Exhaustion

I've been noticing this for a while now, at least the last couple of months. Noah never gets tired. All too often I hear people talking about how their tulpa takes naps or acts sleepy. Maybe they sleep during the day in a wonderland while the host is busy about their day.

Not Noah.

Thinking about it I can only recall maybe one or two instances where I've witnessed Noah sleeping and I can't think of a single time where he was sleepy.

He doesn't have a physical body so he has limitless energy. If my mind is thinking then he has energy to go.

By itself that's not really that interesting but there is more to it than that.

I might be at the end of a long day or just getting up in the morning. Noah is wide awake. I barely have the will to remain standing or keep my eyes open, Noah is right there wide awake.

If I wake up in the middle of the night, he's up too, quick witted as if he was waiting hours for me to wake up. Of course he was asleep the whole time.... or was he.

 

It's one of those little things that I think helps me further accept that he's separate. Not entirely separate but at least a little separate from me. The level of activity he is capable of when I am not is surprising. Rational and alert all the time, I like that about him.

 

That kinda extends to emotions as well, not that I get sad or angry to a large degree very often but when I am bogged down he is still alert. Always just Noah with his good advice or the right thing to say.

 

So yeah, just something to think about. Is your tulpa a column of security or an emotional sponge?

[CyberD]

Around other people

It's not a topic I see people discuss very often and for good reason. Other people are distracting and they can't see or talk to your tulpa even if you wanted them to know about it.

So how does your tulpa react when they are around other people?

I've noticed that for the most part Noah tends to ignore others. He might comment on something about them but it is rare that he approaches others and even rarer that he is closer to someone else than he is to me.

I do my best to talk to him when others are around. Of everything you can do with a tulpa I think it is one of the best ways to get used to their presence. If Noah can talk over others then he is actively making his presence known, the more he is around the more "progress" we can make.

 

So I was sitting on the sofa watching tv but not really watching. Noah was next to me and there was plenty of room, at the end of the sofa was a ten year old playing with his 3DS.

Now, you'd think since Noah is thirteen he should be really interested right. He watches when I play games be it on a 3DS or otherwise. But no, he barely looked at all. He'd much rather sit next to me than slide along and have a look even for a minute. I felt a shy vibe coming from him, as if he might feel uncomfortable being in someone's personal space without them knowing. So I thought about it and noticed it happening again later, then again and again.

 

I don't think Noah is shy like an actual person is, rather I think he has developed a comfort zone which I am the center of. Sure I've seen him run off but for the most part he is typically within arms reach. At the table he sits in the chair right next to me, on the sofa he'll lean on me.

I suspect most of that is true for a lot of tulpa. Depending on a single person for your existence surely creates that kind of attachment, that desire for closeness whether spoken or not. It's not unexpected but I find it remarkable, observing the way he's developing. And even after all this time he is still developing. It's not about milestones but instead enjoying every day for what it is.