Daniel's Tulpa Progress Log

[CyberD]

Long road

I just spent a little time reading some of my own progress report. I only read the first couple of pages but seeing where I was back then was a little strange. The things I found important, the things I ignored. I might have been the most consistent but I'm glad I wrote everything I did.

 

I have two good reasons to write a progress report. The first is that it might help someone and the second is that it helps me.

Everything in the thread is a memory I created with Noah. They are memories created because of him. His existence has changed my life, my way of thinking. Not in some incredibly dramatic way but over a series of small changes I am different than how I might have been.

 

Reading back also reminded me of something that I haven't really posted much about. Namely the areas of the tulpa process I ignored or had no success with.

Wonderlands and imposition come to mind.

I've never spent much time in a wonderland with Noah. It's just not how I enjoy spending time with him. Time spent doing nothing but imagination seems wasteful. I could read a book or play a game. He can join me during those activities.

Imposition is something I never achieved. Maintaining a rational point of view doesn't really help me in that regard. I believe that imposition is something that takes a great deal of time to achieve. The mind isn't easily fooled when it is trying not to be. I don't mind if imposition never occurs. Noah exists strongly enough in my mind that I don't have to try and justify his existence by fooling my eyes into seeing him.

 

Most of all, I'm glad I never gave up on him. Just keep at it. I know I've been saying it all along. The more effort you put in the more you'll get out of a tulpa.

[CyberD]

Problems

Everyone has them. Some are terrible problems that ruin lives. Others are so small that they don't really matter at all.

The tulpa process is a brand new way to create problems that a lot of people don't know how to solve simply because they've never seen or done anything like this before. Fair enough, new things take time to learn.

But, everywhere I seem to look there is nothing but problems. That's the forums or outside of them. Everyone making mistakes or dealing with problems.... or not dealing with their problems.

 

Then there is me. I don't have any problems that worry me at all. At worst my "problems." are things I have to do. Not even bad things. My biggest "problem" right now will result in a huge positive once it is solved.

 

I guess my point is that everywhere I look is negativity. The forums are a good example. So many people are dealing with their problems. They have questions and are confused. There doesn't seem to be much place for positives. For the good things that we all strive for.

 

Does a lack of problems make me boring? I find it difficult to find stuff to post about because a lack of problems seems to lead to a lack of conversation. Sometimes I just want to read on and on about how someone enjoyed time with their tulpa. How they learned things and moved forward without drama or trouble.

In fiction a lack of problems usually leads to a boring story. But does it have to be true of real life?

 

So....

Continued positives

I haven't had any problems with Noah for a long time... if at all. I enjoy his company at every possible opportunity no matter how short or distracted I may be. He enjoys being a young teenager in his own unique way as his circumstances allow. I talk with all the time, it doesn't have to be about anything really important, just whatever is happening at the time. If I'm too mean he'll say it. If I'm awkward he'll point it out and if he does something odd then I'll make sure to let him know. It really is a similar (if less consistent) dynamic compared to one I would share with a physical human.

The biggest difference is the lack of boundaries. He can follow me to work or talk to me at the busiest of times. Because he is in my head he is always there if he wants to be.

I should work on spending more time with him, with helping him become more than he is now. But, there is no point letting that stuff get me down. He's never negative, just looking forward at what he can and will continue to do in the future.

 

Christmas is just around the corner. I don't really care much for it but I certainly won't be one of those people who turns it into a chore that has to be completed to make the relatives a false sense of happy. I'll see how everyone has changed, or how they haven't and if Noah wants to tag alone then there will be no stopping him.

[CyberD]

My Secret

Yeah, it's Noah. Sorry if for a second you were expecting something more.

The longer I spend with Noah the more apparent it is that he will remain a secret forever to the people I know. There is simply no way he fits into any relationship in the present or in the future. Only an ideal relationship would ever lend me to sharing his existence and even then what would sharing him achieve.

Honestly I think it's better that way. While it would be interesting to be able to share him I don't mind that I can't.

In fact it's cool to have such an interesting secret. A secret I care so much about, who takes up so much of attention yet will never leave a physical print on the world. Imagine the reaction if I shared him with someone who had never heard about tulpa. The longer he's around the more meaningful he would be to that person.

"I've known Noah longer than I've known you."

"Noah is older than you are."

"I care more about Noah than I care about you."

 

Well, I could probably say that last one truthfully to most people. I care about him in a way that really isn't the same as other people though. He isn't physical, he's just a part of me.

 

So what do you talk about after so long? There are always so many new threads here with new people trying their best to create a tulpa. It's hard to get a word in, to find something interesting to talk about. I feel I've already said most of it before, there is a lot in the pages of my thread. Maybe I'll just start the new year by posting the newest reference image of Noah I have. Link.

I've always found it important to have reference images, my visualization just wouldn't be the same if I had to create his image from scratch. Marcus is getting older but I think he'll be around yet. When he grows up Noah will still be the same, that's something my tulpa has going for him.

 

Also, in case it wasn't obvious. You can talk to me, I've been here a while and I've seen just about everything. Send me a PM or reply here, it's always more interesting to talk to others.

[CyberD]

Yeah, it's been a little while. I would come up with an excuse for not posting but I don't think I need one. There simply wasn't anything to talk about.

 

Personality types

You've probably heard about them before. Some people could care less but others find them incredibly useful. The Myer Briggs profile is a common one that you see around a lot. If you don't know about it and want to continue reading then you should look it up, just google Myer Briggs and read a little about it.

 

I don't think it is perfect but in many cases it is quite accurate.

I typically poll as an INTJ, though honestly I am quite neutral is most of the traits except predictably introversion.

It's been a while since I polled Noah though, I don't even remember what he was last time. I considered what I thought he might be and wrote it down before letting him take the test. I guessed he would be ISTP. I read several descriptions and it seemed to fit quite well, assuming of course he could actually be physical to properly test his traits.

Anyway he took two different tests and both of them came up ISTJ. I'm not too sure about it. In fact I believe that his very nature as a tulpa and not a human skews the result. Given the fact that he also polled very neutral in all of the traits except introversion says a lot. I think with questions geared towards a tulpa he'd probably poll as an ISTP or maybe even an ISFP.

 

Of course with so many possibilities is kinda hard to draw any real conclusions from it at all. He's different from me in his own ways and I like to believe that he'd be considerably more open around other people should he actually be physical.

 

Writing

I enjoy writing and it gives me an interesting outlet to include Noah in. I tend to write a lot of short stories, they don't often finish but it's more about putting words on paper than necessarily reaching a conclusion and creating a product to be consumed.

By writing I can allow Noah to influence what occurs. I can give hm a character in the story that he gets to control, that he can decide that actions for. That character allows him to interact with "people" that aren't strictly me or environments that I am not physically a part of. The problems that occur, the fun that comes of it (or the drama), they give him things to think about. Participating in a creative exercise strengthens his personality and also lets me work on my visualization.

 

I think the most interesting part of the whole thing is letting him react to other characters. Outside of writing he doesn't get to do that at all, he can't just walk up to someone and say hello because he doesn't actually exist.

But on paper he's as real as whatever character he encounters. He cna act however he likes and he does.

 

So yeah, we're still going strong. Noah is around as much as ever and I'm sure before we even know it Noah will be two.... that's a few months away yet though.

[CyberD]

Voice

I'm no good with voices. I can visualize things really well, close my eyes and imagine them there. Complicated movements, explosions, whatever, I don't struggle with that. But then there is sound. I know some voices really well, voices I hear everyday or voices in the media who I've never directly spoken to before. I can imagine the people behind them visually but when I try to imagine that person saying something and actually hearing their voice in my head I'm not satisfied with the result.

 

It's a skill you never really think about. Turns out imagining sounds isn't something I practice(d) very much and so I can't do it very well. It's a shame really because it really is half of who my tulpa is.

 

Since we've started I've tried stealing (copying) voices for Noah to use. None of them have stuck in the slightest. There are heaps of interesting voices he could use but they just aren't him. Sometimes I feel the longer it takes to choose one, if at all, the harder it is to get used to it.

 

Because of this he's developed what I guess I could call his own voice. I don't have many words to describe it and I doubt I'd recognize it if somehow by magic I could listen to an actual recording of him. Mindvoice I suppose is the word people like to use but I'm not sure.

 

I mention it because once again I find myself trying to assign a voice to him. I listen to the character say something and then I try to imagine what Noah would sound like if it were his voice. Sometimes it's convincing but it never really sticks. Still, I think all the focus on his voice does help. By paying more attention to that aspect of him Noah develops. At the moment his own voice, or more simply, his tone, is rather calm. The character is upbeat and excitable where as Noah seems more laid back an blunt with his words.

 

Growing up

The other day I found myself thinking about what I miss about being young. I came up with a single answer that feels more important than all the others, even more so than having a fit young body.

That is having a heavy reliance on a parental or guidance figure.

 

Not everyone gets one I know but I something I miss (in some ways) is having someone there who always knows exactly what is best for you. That person or people, have your well being as one of their goals and ensure that you always have direction and support. True authority. You believe in them unconditionally and as far as you are concerned they know everything this is to possibly know.

 

Then you move out of home and live by yourself. It's something near impossible to get that back. You can get married, have heaps of friends etc but at best they are your equals. You trust them to do stuff for you and you help them back. You are better at some things, they are better at others.

 

You can never again be that kid who turns to his parents and they have every answer for everything. That feeling is lost and you just have to move on because it is never coming back.

Yeah, it's kinda difficult to describe but that's it.

 

What does it have to do with tulpa though?

Maybe it's part of the reason I created Noah.

Maybe that's somewhat of a description of our relationship.

 

Most intriguing (though I'll probably never do it)

Would it be possible to create a tulpa who could feel like that adult/mentor?

 

Just something to think about.

[CyberD]

How does having a tulpa make me different from other people?

Not many people have a tulpa or something by a different name but of a similar nature. How many do you think there are? Do you think you have spoken to a single person outside of the internet who entertains the idea of having a second consciousness running along side their own. Of having someone only they can talk to? I doubt I ever have, I wouldn't be surprised if I never did. I would be incredibly surprised if someone hinted at such a thing.

 

Having a second internal opinion is sure to influence the thoughts of the first. All tulpa are different. You might have an angel on your shoulder or a demon. Where does your tulpa sit on the scale?

Noah is an idealist. I created him to be that way, he is as innocent as possible while being exposed to what I know and who I am. Lawful good at it's purest (at least as pure as I could imagine). If anything falls outside of that he wants nothing to do with it.

His opinions influence mine.

His idealist philosophy follows me everywhere I go. Should it influence even one of my actions then that means something. Perhaps I dropped a negative conversation before being condescending. Maybe I concerned myself a little more over the well being of someone other than myself, or maybe he influenced a discussion that helps me in the long term instead of pleasure in the moment.

They aren't big things, my life isn't really full of super meaningful occurrences or choices anyway. But if it's something I'm not sure about or if it's something I'm not thinking about there is that little positive voice that points in the right direction.

 

That's one of the differences anyway. I'm glad he's around and I appreciate what he offers. Every opinion matters because it means I interact with him more.

[Korzant]

Cyber,

 

Mira and myself took some time to read through your posts starting with page one. I think more than anything else that you have a fantastic relationship with Noah and that you have take the Tulpa concept and made it something wonderful.

I would be lying if I said that you were not a role model for me at the moment.

 

I know that most people have a strong spark when they first begin. I know I did! Mira has been fun and exciting, a new friend, someone to always be with me. You give me hope that they can continue to do so without things being stagnant.

There will be a time when we simply have nothing to report, things are going well, etc. despite this I see that you have still found a multitude of things to talk about and discuss. You have even given Mira and myself things to mull over and talk about that I would have never thought of.

 

We have thoroughly enjoyed reading your posts and you have given me a lot to think about with my own Tulpa.

Keep on keeping on!

[CyberD]

Hi Korzant. Yeah, I imagine it probably took you a while to get through all those pages. It's been a long journey and I have no intention of stopping.

 

The first few weeks are exciting, lots of things change as you learn about your tulpa. Then you settle down and that spells disaster for things to talk about in a PR. But your tulpa is still there and you know them better than ever.

 

So here I am right now, I look to my right and there he is, the culmination of over a year and a half worth of work. I don't know if I should call it work or just call it experience. He may never be physical but he is important to me. Our efforts may not be perfect but I'm glad for what time I do spend with him.

 

As for the role model thing, I guess you could choose worse. Still, I'm really no different to you, just a bit further ahead. All I can really say is keep at it and see where you end up. You seem to have the process pretty well under control (judging from your own PR). You'd be surprised what you learn about yourself when you find topics and try to ramble about them.

[Sophie]

Do you ever get curious about who Marcus is? Would it matter to you if you knew?

 

Like you, I used reference images for my tulpa. I still know next to nothing about the model, but I believe she's Russian, and somewhere in her twenties. She has a different model for her voice -- I know she's American, she has a dog, she's in college, she lives with several other women, I know some of her likes and hobbies, and I have either a first name or an alias.

 

I considered at one point making another tulpa -- a child this time, like Noah. I even picked out a model for her. I found images of her on several web sites.

 

I wanted to get an idea of how old she was, as the pictures were very poorly labeled, as most stock pictures are. So I started searching for more information. It turned out to be pretty easy, and soon I was reading logs of conversations the girl had had with her friends. (She's 15 or 16 now, though several years younger in the photos.)

 

Well, reading the logs turned me off of this girl. I mean she's gotten involved in some stuff I don't think too highly of, and now I'm a little hesitant to use her as a model. I'm also a bit wary of finding out about the models for my original tulpa.

 

Do you think that would have made a difference to you? Would it matter to you now knowing who Marcus is? If he grew up and was in jail or something, would that affect you? And would it have made a difference to you if you'd found it out before you got to know Noah?

[CyberD]

Hi Sophie. That's a really good question and it's one I've never been asked before.

 

Before I created Noah I had been creating dozens of characters for short stories using all kinds of references. Sometimes I would simply pick a few traits from an existing person/character and other times I would base them on people I knew or even random strangers I had seen on the street. I never expected Noah to become so important to me, at the time I didn't look so far ahead so he was no different.

 

At first he was blond, for those first couple of hours I hadn't really decided. I hadn't been planning on using a reference for him but then I saw the smiling boy in the catalogue and tried visualizing Noah as him, it made it easier and it stuck.

At the time I didn't think much of it, I only had one image and it wasn't even a very good one. He was at the back of a group shot. I found it online and cropped it to the image above and it turned out to be only 129X169, a photographers nightmare... if I were a photographer.

 

Anyway, I didn't think about it for a while. I looked at it but I never wondered who he really was, until more images of similar looking boy's appeared in the future catalogues. It wasn't until much later I realized all the similar looking boys were him.

 

Basically, to sum it up. I did an archive trawl and found more images of him. Those led to the modelling agency on facebook which posted his photos and called him Marcus. From there I couldn't get any more info. If I cared enough I would ask them directly but I haven't yet. Maybe someday I might.

 

Anyway. I make sure there is a clear distinction between the two. I like to imagine Marcus is a cool kid living somewhere in Melbourne or Sydney, going to school with his other grade 7/8 friends. His life really has nothing to do with me or Noah though it's always a curiosity when I catch a glimpse of it. His birthday would be 2000-2001 some time I guess.

If Marcus were to go off the rails and I were to somehow hear of it I'd be disappointed but in the end it would change nothing, I've never met him before.

 

If anything basing him off Marcus has been a laugh. It is incredibly embarrassing for Noah when I open a catalogue and find an awkward image of Marcus. He's a bit of a dork sometimes, completely oblivious to style despite being dressed by "professionals". Of course it has given him a wide range of clothes and accessories. I've posted some of the better ones but I also have him in several sets of pajamas, wide rimmed glasses, a leather jacket, sport's gear, school gear (see the new years post), with a tacky skateboard and with a red guitar.

It's all just a bit of fun. Seeing Noah make fun of or embrace Marcus's style gives us stuff to talk about and it is great for visualization.

 

And, to entertain the idea that should I actually meet Marcus. Well, I'd do two things. First I'd listen to his voice and take it for Noah. What better voice than the source itself. Secondly I'd get a photo of myself with him. What a strange and bizarre memory that would be. Plus who can say they have a photo of themselves with their "imaginary friend". After that, well probably just talk to him, who knows, I know for sure it'd be weird to have Noah stand next to him... it'd make visualization really easy that's for sure.