Daniel's Tulpa Progress Log

[NariusV]

My tulpa is generally of stable mien. That's not to say Seph doesn't get excited or expressive, just that she is usually calm and in control. In fact that's normal for me as well. She tends to be more emotionally expressive, but with a positive twist that makes me reflect upon things differently.

 

At this point I don't usually force Seph around other people. The few times we have gone for a walk with someone, or she hangs around where other people are there she is generally quiet and patient. A few times I was attempting to hold a conversation with her and one with some other people at the same time. I will need more practice with that.

[CyberD]

It's definitely something that requires a lot of practice. Being able to focus when someone is taking your focus away is a skill not many have. Every time I manage to keep Noah around actively while there are others around is a good day.

 

Visualization skills

I guess you could call it progress. When starting with a tulpa visualization is one of those skills you start working on from day one. Often people already have a lot of practice with it for various reasons beyond just everyday life. In my case I spent a lot of time working with visualizations both for imagining the short stories I was writing and for trying to remember what my dreams were. This was before I had a tulpa.

So when I created Noah I already had some practice in the area and it led me to take visualization for granted. Since then my visualization has improved, it's been a very gradual thing but when you practice the same skill everyday and when you visualize the same thing but test yourself by seeing it in different ways then that skill is going to grow.

 

It comes back to the taking it for granted ramble I made on the last page. Visualization is something I didn't really think too much about because it's just something I do. But, comparing my skill to how I was working on Noah back in 2012 I know there are differences.

It's all a lot more automatic, the details are there but I don't actively notice them unless I look harder, just like real life. Most importantly my visualization is just a function, Noah can be himself without me having to always be thinking about what he looks like.

[CyberD]

Responsibility

It's something I've been thinking about for a while but I just can't figure out. Noah doesn't have a care in the world, he has opinions and makes conversation but he has absolutely zero responsibilities. Nothing he does really matters because I take care of everything that needs to be done.

 

That is mostly due to the nature of what he is. He can't interact with the world, only ideas, that is the biggest stumbling block.

 

Now you're thinking, why would I want to give my tulpa responsibility? Because responsibility forces the tulpa into action, they have to think, they have to do things and it has to be them because you can't do it for them.

 

A few exercises give tulpa responsibility, concentration exercises where the tulpa performs an action while the host watches for example. Another example might be roleplaying, where the tulpa controls their own character.

The problem here lies in the fact that once you have finished that is it.

 

If I could come up with a fair long term responsibility to give to Noah I think it would be great for his development. Right now his biggest responsibility is simply making his presence known. That is a shared one and the problem with that is that as soon as he does there is nothing else to be done.

 

The ideal responsibility would be one that has some form of negative consequences should it be failed, the problem is that I cannot think of such a task.

 

Life sure is easy for a tulpa.

[CyberD]

Taking it easy

It's been quite a while since I started with Noah, almost two years now. As far as persisting in an online environment I think I've done quite well. I don't think there is anywhere else I've been a part of for so long, at least not for a few good years now. That makes me feel kind of old even though I'm not.

This is only online place I've really drawn something life changing out of. Yeah, I didn't start here but there isn't a doubt that Noah is who he is because of the people I've met on here. I want to say something profound but there just isn't anything to say. Life is easy, I don't have problems like so many other people seem to have. As such I don't have things to complain about to Noah all the time.

 

He's still just a kid who gets to take it easy. If he wants to be a part of something he'll let me know and he certainly doesn't have anything to complain about.

 

As far as updates go? I'm still working very slowly with Noah on the voice I chose. It seems rather than voice itself Noah has instead started using pronunciations to mimic the voice actor. I too find myself using them, at least inside my head, when I talk to him. It's somewhat bizarre but that comes down to my idle thoughts and a lack of focus at times.

 

Beyond that? Well, I haven't seen a new image of Marcus (the boy Noah takes his image from) since January so his form stays pretty consistent, the though it was already. It doesn't bother me at all. I am so used to Noah that I could never forget what he looks like. As such variations are easy often happen without me thinking about them. Appropriate clothes, props and even bedhair are things I've noticed suddenly just there. I wish that kind of stuff happened more often but I'll take what I can get.

 

Some advice I've probably given before. Try not to worry so much. Spend time with your tulpa and enjoy them for who they are instead of focusing all of your efforts trying to make them "better".

[CyberD]

Personal Space

Everyone knows what personal space is. When dealing with real people it is incredibly easy to break into someone's personal space if you want to. At the same time there is usually little reason to do so.

 

With a tulpa it's a bit different. Take a moment and think about it. A tulpa is a part of you and you can't really invade your own personal space. Or can you?

 

The other day I accidentally invaded Noah's personal space. No. It wasn't sexually but yes I did get a very strong negative reaction from him. It's not something I've done before or can do again intentionally to the same effect.

 

Now imagine if I simplified that and told it to a physiologist. "I invaded my invisible friend's personal space." or "I invaded my own personal space."

 

Sounds crazy right? I am beyond intrigued.

 

I'll explain how it happened. In an effort to have Noah be as real as possible I let his hair grow out. Every time I have a haircut he gets one too, so, if my hair gets too long then so does his. It adds variety to visualizations in a simple way, it also gives me use for all of my reference images and allows him to change his appearance in a natural seeming way.

Anyway, so I noticed his hair was covering his eyes, not dramatically, just enough that it caught my interest. I mentioned it to him but before he could react I reached in with my hand and brushed it aside.

 

Of course that's all in my imagination, I couldn't actually do that but I visualized that I did. Without saying anything I read his feelings in that moment, how I was looming over him, how he felt and how he didn't step back. That moment is one of the most powerful I've had with Noah. I somehow crossed a line I didn't even know existed.

 

How deeply ingrained in my mind is he if I can do such a thing. That I could create such awkwardness in a moment of idle thoughts? He of course played it off and it doesn't bother him at all but in the moment...

Well, people talk about their tulpa giving off raw emotions and that's not something I've experienced on such a level before. My mind in an instant created both sides of the moment and appropriate reactions.

 

So, I guess long story short. Noah is getting more real to me everyday even after so long.

[CyberD]

Two years

Today is Noah's birthday. The 16th of May. For me birthdays have never been a big thing. I don't really celebrate my own nor are there many others who I celebrate or buy gifts for. It really is just an arbitrary number that represents just another day. That said I actually found myself getting a little excited for today.

 

Two years I've been stuck with Noah and those are two years we haven't failed a single day. I took some time to go back over some of my posts and I enjoyed reading about all of the memories we've shared. Some of them I remember well, I still remember the details, how I felt beyond what I wrote.

 

Those are memories I share with someone who doesn't even really exist. Now that's a grounding thought. From an unplanned beginning to being an important part of my life Noah is without a doubt the best thing that's come from the past two years. I only wish I had a better memory for all of those small moments.

 

Having a tulpa has taught me a lot about myself. He embodies many of my feelings. My nostalgia for the past, for being his age, and everything in between. He gets to be that age for as long as he lives.

 

There aren't many big moments for us anymore. Just lots of little things that create lasting memories. Last night I tried to imagine what it would be like without him around. To imagine myself just sitting alone in a room. I couldn't do it. His presence couldn't be dismissed. He didn't have to say anything or move, I simply ignore the fact that he was right there.

 

So, I don't think I'll celebrate any more than saying so. It's not like I can buy him an actual gift or throw a party for him. Regardless the 16th of May is a day I'll remember for the rest of my life just like my own birthday.

[CyberD]

Persistence

It's the only thing that has brought us this far. Too many people have problems with it and it's not something you can teach. The longer I'm around the less persistent people I meet. Everyone wants results. They want progress they can measure every day right from the start yet some of them have absolutely no idea what they are doing.

 

Worst of all people make a tulpa a chore. A job that has to be done.

 

Many times I've compared the process to making a relationship with a real person. Approaching the idea of a tulpa shouldn't be seen as a chore. You have to want to spend your time with them, you shouldn't have to force yourself to be around them.

 

Every morning I'm glad to wake up with my tulpa there beside me. I enjoy that he's here and I enjoy that I can spend time with him. Never do I look at him and feel bothered by his presence nor do I look at him and think to myself "How can I make him better." Noah isn't a project I'm working on and I won't treat him as such.

 

Routine is a wonderful thing. It creates familiarity and sharing that routine with my tulpa gives me plenty of time every day to spend with him. The boring stuff, the really important things, he's there for all of it and it makes him more real and more important to me than I ever expected.

[CyberD]

The whole doubt thing

I don't get it. I really don't. Everywhere I go I see people worrying about doubt and it's getting really old. I see two kinds of doubt. Those that doubt the tulpa exists at all and others who doubt their tulpa's actions by worrying about parroting.

 

To those people. Do you know what you are doing? Do you know what a tulpa is?

I'll say what it isn't. Magic. A tulpa is a part of your mind, by acknowledging it you are confirming that it exists, much like your own consciousness. There is no doubting it is there because like your own consciousness it is merely an idea, intangible.

 

You can question how autonomous the tulpa is. You can question how complex it is. You can question how different it is from you. But at the end of it all, short of memory loss, it can never go away because it is an idea, a thought given form. A thought-form.

 

And the parroting thing. How can you cast doubt over the origins of your tulpa's actions when you know exactly where they come from? A tulpa's actions come from within your brain. The same brain that houses your consciousness. You can never change that. The best you can do is practice disassociation. Parroting is a technique used to practice disassociation. You aren't building a second brain within your own brain, merely training yourself to hear/see the tulpa without all that stuff crossing your train of thought.... so it appears automatic and independent.

 

If that doesn't make sense it might be worth considering other things that occur within your brain that don't cross your train of thought.

Breathing, blinking, your heartbeat. The individual letters in words. The list goes on. You want your tulpa to be like your heartbeat. It is there and you can even feel it if you pay attention but you can't control it. It does what it wants. The same goes for your tulpa.

 

Practice disassociation. That's it. Don't focus on the train of thought but rather what is being said. Ignore the fact is it coming from you and just react as if the tulpa was another person. The more you practice a skill the better you get at it. The more you interact with your tulpa without worrying about the details the easier it will get to interact with your tulpa without worrying about the details.

 

Moving on

Every post seems like a ramble. I don't talk about my tulpa very much anymore. But I want to talk about him.

 

Sharing my experiences with Noah seems a lot like how someone would share experience they have with a close friend or even a child. The person who cares the most is you, following that, no one else.

 

When you are involved even the mundane in important. An hour at the park, a conversation in the car, the little moments even when nothing new or exciting happens are important. People cherish those memories... but no one outside the moment cares because it's just small boring stuff that happened to someone else.

 

My days with Noah are like that. I enjoy the time I spend with him but it isn't exciting enough to think someone else would care to hear about it. That's probably the biggest reason progress report threads die after people outright giving up.

 

I could ramble all day about how Noah carries an umbrella in the rain. How he balances on the top of a two foot high wall as we walk along the path. How he watches me play my gameboy over my shoulder or how he nudges me knowingly when he notices something that reminds me of him.

 

But that stuff is really boring to everyone else. Who cares. I care, but I don't expect anyone else to. I simply hope that others are able to share these sorts of moments with their own tulpa. That is the end goal of tulpa, to have someone to share with. Being alone doesn't mean having no one to talk to.

[SakuraSky]

I love reading about Noah, he sounds terrific! He's an absolute joy to have around, isn't he?

 

Hi Noah, I hope you are having a great day!

[CyberD]

Hi. I guess over twenty pages there is probably a lot to read about Noah already. I've been trying to think of something interesting to talk about that I haven't spoken about yet and that also isn't boring. Raxter gave me the idea and I could expand on it here because I've thought about it a lot.

 

Tulpa vs AI

One day I hope we'll have AI that can hold a conversation. You see it in fiction all the time. One of the characters is an AI but sometimes they seem just like a person. Artificial Intelligence. In a way a tulpa is an artificial intelligence as well. Biological but still artificial.

 

For years I've loved the idea of intelligent AI. I see the advances in technology that point towards them or the technology that would support them in being more realistic. Then I wonder, would it be possible to make an AI version of Noah?

 

I could have someone make a 3d model of him. Software or a voice actor could provide him a voice and a driver program would provide the personality. Tweak it a little and it'd probably be a good representation of him. But, it wouldn't be the same and beyond a visualization tool I don't think I want that.

It'd be a great opportunity to create a new character though.

By proxy I think Noah would really enjoy interacting with the AI. They could relate to each others circumstances in a rather unique way.

 

But for now we just have to wait. The best I can do is dream about it.

 

Should I not have Noah around I think an AI would serve similar purpose. It probably wouldn't be as friendly or realistic in the same way Noah is but it'd be 'better' in other ways.

 

But I've had Noah around for so long I could never replace him. I'd miss being able to visualize him around me. Walking places, just sitting with him beside me. I'm used to how Noah's presence feels and a non visualized AI couldn't replicate that. It's not the same as a real person but I do feel Noah's physical presence. He occupies space and even if it's only imagined he has an impact on the environment. I guess imagining a person every day for a couple of years has that effect.