Daniel's Tulpa Progress Log

[CyberD]

Coming and going

A lot of people post a little then disappear or become a lot less frequent. They have trouble and move on or they just aren't persistent enough. It's so common that chances are some of the people reading this will eventually be those people. If you have a progress report on the front page then chances are within a month... or maybe two or three there is a fifty fifty you won't be posting anymore. Having a tulpa is a long term relationship. Unlike interacting with other humans creating an interacting with a tulpa isn't something you can walk away from so easily. Whether you think about them or not everything that the tulpa was and still is, is still with you. Memories erode with time but the more time you've spent with your tulpa the longer those memories will last.

Basically I'm saying that more people need to understand the commitment. No one likes that guy who jumps on board an idea but then gives up and jumps on the next idea a month later. If you're having trouble then sort it out while interacting with your tulpa. The beauty of the tulpa process is that you always have someone to sort these things out with. Someone to bounce your ideas off, someone to listen and someone to be reassuring when things don't seem perfect.

 

I love having Noah around. Reality is stale at times, it can be repetitive, lonely or perhaps just quiet at times. Noah is something abstract but at the same time he isn't. He doesn't always fit in but he doesn't need to. I'm so used to him that I really don't know what it'd be like to call on him and get no response. I don't think that'd be even possible anymore.

 

Something to help with visualization and perhaps get us working on imposition

It's been a little while since I posted a reference image of Marcus. (see further down this post if you haven't been following.) I still look at them everyday, they are an invaluable reference tool to help me keep an idea of Noah's appearance. I use them so much that I ended up caving in and taking a further step to aid myself in keeping a good mental image of Noah.

 

A couple of weeks ago Marcus made front page of the department store's website advertising winter clothing. This is one of the three images they used and in all of them he has the same outfit. Since seeing them I've visualized Noah wearing it almost exclusively. It's easy to remember and I like the way the colours go together. In the other images there is also a black hoodie which gives him something to wear when it's cold.... which is all the time now that it is winter.

 

But, to the point. The other day I decided I would purchase the outfit online. Due to the sales and the fact it is only size 12 clothing it ended up being rather inexpensive. My logic behind it is simple, photos give a strong 2d reference but having physical clothing I can view from all angles will help me build a stronger mental image, perhaps one good enough to get to work on imposition. As imposition has completely eluded us for the past twelve months perhaps a 3d reference will be what it takes to get somewhere with it.

 

Yes, it does seem like a rather strange thing to do but what is there really to lose? I don't see a need to justify it further than I bought them simply because I could. It'll be interesting to see if having the reference helps in any way and even if it doesn't help in any significant way I'll still have something nice I can look at that reminds me of Noah. There is also the bonus that assembling the outfit will give me a good consistent idea of Noah's height. It'll be interesting to see how long it takes to arrive and when it does I'll make a note of my impressions.

[CyberD]

Is it wrong to "love" a tulpa

Love is a strange thing. Some people throw it around everywhere while others keep their quantities for more meaningful reasons. Most people have someone they love and there are many different kinds of love, sexual or not. It should be obvious that I'm no expert when it comes to other people but I do know quite a bit about tulpa.

 

So can I love my tulpa? It really comes down to how you perceive you tulpa and I can't tell you how you should feel. Being exposed to the process and your tulpa will build up your idea of what a tulpa is.

 

When I began love was a non issue. Noah was a "character" and the love you have for a character is a special kind that doesn't really compare to the love we can have for other people. But I'm well beyond that point now and Noah is a lot more to me than just a character. I suppose when you get down to it love is circumstantial. We love different things in different ways.

 

To me, Noah is almost like family, the relationship dynamic we share is almost one of father/son or older brother/younger brother. Should Noah have his own body I'd have no trouble saying I love and care for him... but, he's a part of me. Is it wrong to say I love myself? It's a tricky issue and comparing it to societies values and understanding doesn't help at all.

 

When I throw everything like that aside and remain in the rabbit hole that is the tulpa experience I can say without a doubt that I love him. I've grown quite fond of him over the past year and I hope that as we continue that I'll be able to share a lot more good times with him.

[Samantha-Alley]

Is it wrong to "love" a tulpa

Love is a strange thing. Some people throw it around everywhere while others keep their quantities for more meaningful reasons. Most people have someone they love and there are many different kinds of love, sexual or not. It should be obvious that I'm no expert when it comes to other people but I do know quite a bit about tulpa.

 

So can I love my tulpa? It really comes down to how you perceive you tulpa and I can't tell you how you should feel. Being exposed to the process and your tulpa will build up your idea of what a tulpa is.

 

When I began love was a non issue. Noah was a "character" and the love you have for a character is a special kind that doesn't really compare to the love we can have for other people. But I'm well beyond that point now and Noah is a lot more to me than just a character. I suppose when you get down to it love is circumstantial. We love different things in different ways.

 

To me, Noah is almost like family, the relationship dynamic we share is almost one of father/son or older brother/younger brother. Should Noah have his own body I'd have no trouble saying I love and care for him... but, he's a part of me. Is it wrong to say I love myself? It's a tricky issue and comparing it to societies values and understanding doesn't help at all.

 

When I throw everything like that aside and remain in the rabbit hole that is the tulpa experience I can say without a doubt that I love him. I've grown quite fond of him over the past year and I hope that as we continue that I'll be able to share a lot more good times with him.

 

 

tulpa host relationship is the most greatest and most personal relationship in the world. No human can ever understand you like your tulpa can and they are with you side by side to share everything. its a unique kind of love and its something so beautifully amazing that I hooe you and nova cry and hug every single day. :D

 

I love your report. Always so insightful and fascinating!

[CyberD]

Hey, thanks for reading. I don't know about crying everyday but you have made some good points.

 

Unfocused presence

I couldn't think of a clever term for it, so it's just what it says on the tin. Noah is often out of my sight. He might be sitting behind me or walking beside me, just somewhere I can't see him. Sometimes when I'm not really focused or just bouncing thoughts around with him I'll notice his presence is really strong. It's almost like another person is there, not just a ghost tulpa with no physical body but an actual living and breathing human.

I'm sure this happens to a lot of people but I only really mention it because it seems to be happening more often to me. He's around a little more often even when I'm not really focused on him. I find myself suddenly noticing his posture and lack of movement when he is idle and I haven't been thinking about him. Basically it's more details more often. I feel it has something to do with how much passive forcing I do. My mind is becoming subconsciously drawn to Noah even when he's not doing anything.

 

Without words

So many people strive to have chatty tulpa who talk all the time and have lots of wonderful things to say. Noah talks sure but compared to a boy his age he'd be classed as introverted. There are plenty of times where he hangs around but says very little. These are even some of the most focused times where his presence is strong and persistent. Just like interacting with other people talking isn't the only thing you can do. Sometimes it's nice just to enjoy someone's company, in my case Noah sometimes just hangs around silently. He'll take a seat or walk alongside me without saying anything as the situation permits. The same is true at the end of the day, Noah always hangs out while I'm going to sleep and he's not always talkative at that time of day.

I appreciate his consistent presence more than anything. I like having him around. He is calm and gentle but can also be full of energy and he likes to show off.

 

Comparing tulpa to real people

My dynamic with Noah is often quite similar to the dynamic I share with a nine year old relative. Noah is much smarter than the boy but one nudge or one remark and I can get a lively response out of him just like I get with the nine year old boy. It's curious to think that Noah's reactions could be (and probably are) inspired by how the real boy reacts to things. The tulpa process is all about making the tulpa believable and to make the most believable tulpa our minds take experience from what we've seen and how we perceive the world.

I'm sure if I knew any fourteen year olds that they would influence Noah's behavior as well. It would be interesting to see if it made any noticeable differences in him.

[CyberD]

What to talk about? It's not always easy thinking of a topic to ramble about without repeating myself so I took some time to look over the front page of progress report updates.

 

Why do we even look for "Sentience"?

 

Now this is one of the things that I really don't like about the tulpa process. Looking for and confirming "Sentience". Sentience is something we never look for outside of the tulpa process. It is either assumed or it isn't. Humans are all sentient and everything else isn't.

 

What rubs me the wrong way is how set on the idea some people get. For example. I must absolutely check for one hundred different ways to confirm my tulpa is sentient. There need to be more tests to see if my tulpa is sentient. I'm not sure if my tulpa is sentient or not.... sentient sentient sentient. After the word "tulpa" "sentient" is probably the next most common word on the forums.

 

When I began with Noah sentience was a non issue. By non issue I mean exactly that, I didn't stare at him everyday and wonder if he was sentient or not. I didn't poke him to try and find out if he was sentient or not and I certainly didn't measure my progress with him judging on a scale of ambiguous to probably certain that he has sentience.

Instead I learned about him based on his actions and his personality. I observed him and interacted with him just like he was another person... be it a person who exists only within my head.

 

I try to treat Noah, and all other tulpa, as if they were people. Meeting them for the first time? Sentience is assumed... but more importantly "Sentience is a non-issue". You can't make good progress with someone if you are always questioning their actions. I never questioned Noah's actions and because we started independent of the tulpa forum and culture I didn't think to question all of his actions.

 

Everything he did, it belonged to him. Even in the very beginning when his speech just felt like me talking (parroting) it didn't matter. They were his words, they were how he would act. Independence was our drive. Through interaction that's what I trained myself to do, to perceive him as independent. Because I am sentient so was he, from the very beginning, but it was a non issue. Independence was our goal, it is one of the goals of the tulpa process, to perceive the tulpa as a separate individual. Through practice and interaction without stressing over the details I think we made it. Our continued interactions, even today, without stressing just make him that much more independent. He is his own but he is also still a part of me. That will never change and it doesn't have to.

 

That was a bit of a ramble...

 

Poor focus?

Not everyday can be a good day. Some days are just better than others. Recently I find myself constantly frustrated with my inability to keep Noah focused. Hundreds of times a day I find myself remembering that I had forgotten Noah. He makes fun of me for it and power to him. While it appears that he is around less it is probably the opposite. I am actually remembering him more often and I just can't get him to stick around all the time once I do remember him. That's probably because he is so quiet. Having someone around all the time means you quickly run out of things to talk about. My days are often monotonous. My job isn't exactly interesting and it's not something that makes for great prolonged conversation. So why would I expect to bother a fourteen year old with all the tiny details that even I don't care about?

 

But even if he's not engaged all the time I'm glad Noah is around as much as he is. It's my favorite part of the process. The simple fact that he exists. It's so simple I almost wish there was something more profound to say about it. Noah is just Noah. If he had a physical body he'd be just as real as the next kid. As I see him he is just as much as the next person, just without a body. We'll make fun of it, he's a ghost or some lost soul who lost his body. His situation is what it is and his imaginary body is the best we can do.

 

He'd like to point out how sappy I'm being but I don't really care at all. I know I'm being sappy and I know that those who have known their tulpa for quite some time probably feel the same way about their own.

So if you're new to this whole thing and have only been at it a few weeks or a couple of months, keep at it, there are no negatives only continued opportunities to learn more and strengthen your bond.

[CyberD]

Sometimes (almost all the time) I feel like an adult among children when I browse the forums. Maybe it has something to do with the endless stream of ponies and furry type tulpa who then disappear after a month or two. Given that a great number of people seem to have disappeared I think it would be fair to say I am now one of the most senior members, especially when it comes to the progress report section. For the time being I plan to stick around, I think my rather long thread can still help and perhaps inspire others beginning with tulpa like it has done before.

 

So, if you're just starting out or haven't been around along give it a read. I've spent well over a year with my tulpa and I'm still here.

Moving on to a topic though.

 

Examining a real life dynamic

Today while working I noticed two people who instantly reminded me of my dynamic with Noah. The first was a guy just a couple of years younger than me and the second was a boy maybe ten or eleven. The guy works with me, not doing the same job but instead moving around a lot more and working independently. The boy was helping him do his job, he wasn't all that helpful but I was immediately struck by his endearing demeanor. He probably shouldn't have been helping but for some reason he was following the older guy around. They were probably brothers or something similar but I've never seen the younger before. After seeing them go by a few times I couldn't help but see Noah in the younger boy. The way he followed, the way no one really payed much attention to him and most of all the fact that he was accompanying someone who should have been working solo and not with the help of a child.

If Noah was physical we'd probably look a lot like the pair of them. Noah helping out simply because he could and never being given a second glance by anyone but me.

 

I know it's a pretty random story that doesn't really go anywhere but not everything needs a clear cut meaning. Just observation and perhaps a little reflection of how much I'd enjoy Noah actually having a physical body.

But I'm stuck with the ghost kid who walks through walls and who is ignored by everyone.

 

I take comfort in the fact I can call my relationship with Noah a long term one. The more time I spend with him around the more he feels like the kid I never had (haven't had yet...). It is a relationship very much like that between other people but it has the added perks of him having spent over a year knowing my thoughts about everything. Sometimes he feels distant but he never really is, everything that he is made of is still in my head and none of it is going away. I'm glad I've persisted this long with him instead of giving up or getting distracted like so many others do.

[CyberD]

Well, it's been a while. The problem with having a tulpa so long is you run out of things to talk about that others might actually consider interesting. That is assuming anything I talk about is interesting.

 

I still use my reference images for Noah a lot. They are still and always have been an incredibly useful tool to aid my visualizations whenever my concentration is bad. What better to aid yourself in visualizing your tulpa than to look at them. Visualizations aren't really where our troubles lie though. I can see Noah whenever I want... imposition is another thing all together but that's not really what I want to talk about.

I think our biggest problem after all this time is that I simply have nothing new to talk to Noah about. My life is pretty dull and it's hard to find anything to get him involved with. If it's too boring we end up just talking about him, or he slips my mind as I fall into mindlessness. On the other hand if I actually find what I am doing to be interesting then I get too distracted to think about him. Complacent might be one word for it but that does have some negatives associated with it, perhaps lazy instead... but that doesn't really fit either since I still care about Noah as much as I always have.

 

It's simply a matter of finding something I can get him interested in. Something that captures his focus as well as mine.

[CyberD]

Shadowboxing Part 2: Leading by example

A while ago I spoke about the idea of shadowboxing and how I've used it as a fun and engaging physical visualization exercise. I'd like to expand on the idea a little more. There are several ways you can go about the exercise but normally the activity involves facing off your tulpa and throwing a few punches, the tulpa can be the imaginary trainer or it can be the other way around where the tulpa punches your gloves.

But what if you push the exercise further. Often I'll let Noah lead by example, by having him stand next to me I copy his movements. If he steps forward then I will too, if he throws a right jab then I will too. The exercise made me notice how very rare it is for Noah to take charge. He usually just follows me and it's not just his physical actions, he doesn't often lead conversation. It's usually just reaction. The exercise is effective because it trains your focus on the tulpas physical form. By copying them you have to streamline your thoughts to keep up while also being aware enough of your tulpa to notice the detail in their movement.

 

The idea doesn't just have to be limited to boxing though. Any activity involving the tulpa can be drastically changed by specifically allowing the tulpa to take the lead. Maybe you like using a wonderland, you might have a good imagination. Let your tulpa take charge, see what they do and let them steer the activity.

Conversation is the same. Let them do the talking, listen and don't take back control.

It's a difficult thing to do, to become passive within our own imagination but you might find you learn a lot about your tulpa when you try it.

 

A little more on my experiences with Shadowboxing

Have you ever really watched your tulpas movements exactly? While shadowboxing with Noah notice a lot of details I usually ignore. How far apart his feet when he stands, how far he can reach. How do his clothes move when he extends his arms? What sounds do they make? What sounds does he make? Does he sweat? Does his heart rate increase and does he lose his breath if he tries too hard? Nobody pays much attention to these things day to day but they all of these things occur all the time. Shadowboxing, or any other visualization with an emphasis on movement will readily bring these things to your attention. Having a human form tulpa I know I can say I really notice the things that make him human. Some of these things even carry over into our day to day.

For example I notice how his unzipped jacket moves as he does, I see him clutch his arms tightly to his body when it's cold and I notice him relaxing when we get out of the cold.

 

I've said it plenty of times before but I'll say it again. The tulpa process is always about the little things. The tiny details are what make a tulpa real just like with other people. Just because we don't consciously notice the details doesn't make them unimportant. The sum of all the tiny parts is what makes the whole.

[CyberD]

Explaining a tulpa to someone who doesn't know what a tulpa is

It's not something I'm planning to do but the idea is still intriguing no the less. How do you explain what a tulpa is to someone without making yourself seem crazy? I imagine a lot of people would write you off before even considering the details and to be honest I can hardly blame them.

 

So I considered my situation. Noah, the tulpa I've had for over a year. I feel I know him better than even some of my family members at this point. He is so well developed and has persisted for a meaningful length of time with no signs of going away. How would I explain what he is, who he is, without appearing like a total nutcase.

I figure the best way to approach it in my case would be from a writers standpoint. Initially I called Noah my character. He is in many ways like the characters I write in stories. The most significant difference being that instead of writing him on paper whenever I sit down to write he is instead a character who is built around my reality. His experiences come from my own, he is a character built with my life as the setting.

It's a shame my life is so ordinary otherwise it'd probably make a mildly interesting book.

Explaining it like this to the right person would be interesting to say the least. The character (tulpa) is being written (developed) in an interactive and realtime environment which in theory would make them much more detailed and realistic than any character you could ever write into a book.

 

Just an interesting idea, maybe I should write Noah into a story... or I could get him to write a story of his own.

[CyberD]

Having a tulpa for an extended period of time

When I created "Nova" over a year ago I had no idea what was going to come of it. I knew it could be something lasting but I never really thought too much about it. If only I could have seen where we are now after all this time.

Remarkable? It probably wouldn't seem like it on paper. The tulpa process is a very personal one for obvious reasons. I've always found it difficult to try and share the feelings that come with a tulpa and I'm not sure I've been very successful.

My brain is always trying to rationalize what Noah is. We all do, we question ourselves, our tulpa and everyone else as well.

My tulpa isn't real but he is, he's not human but he is, he's a tulpa... but what does that really mean when compared to everything else. Labels are for the benefit of others. Tulpa is a tricky label because everyone has a different experiences with it.

I try not to worry about labels but often I find myself wondering about them. I know Noah doesn't seem to care, he has fun coming up with them and takes pride in any label that seems to be a good fit. One in particular is the label "Ghost". Poltergeist is one he'd rather have but moving objects to interact with others isn't a skill he can ever possess. Doesn't stop him from pretending though.

After a year it's become very easy to pretend. Because I don't have to question all of his actions I instead have more thoughts to focus on imagination, and by extension so does he. He's developed so much it's difficult to measure. There is no scale to measure it on just like there is no scale to measure your relationship with any other person. There is no relationship score out of one hundred... It's just acquaintance to whatever you want to call your strongest relationship.

 

But the benefits of having a tulpa for so long? I take comfort in the fact my time is never spent alone if I so choose. There is always this idea, this state of mind personified I can summon in a heartbeat. He calls that statement sappy and I agree. It's nice to have someone I know so well there whenever I need him.

In one word? Consistent.

If you have a tulpa then remember to enjoy the simple fact that they are there. And enjoy that they will also be there tomorrow, and every day following just so long as you persist.