Daniel's Tulpa Progress Log

[CyberD]

 

Just flip a coin!

 

Where is the fun in that? Tulpa are so interesting because you can take an in depth look at seemingly simple issues.

 

Shadowboxing; An intensive visualization exercise

Now I'm no fan of boxing but yesterday I saw a rather unconventional boxing match. While watching this match I found myself focused on the movements of the boxers, what worked, what didn't. The boxers were always moving and pushing their bodies to the limit. When the match finished I looked away I found myself going over their actions. I could clearly remember the stances they were holding and the various techniques they used.

 

Then Noah took one of the stances.

Now Noah is a skinny kid probably less than a quarter of the size of the huge boxers but that didn't stop him. Like he does a for a lot of things he mimicked what he saw. Left hook, right uppercut. A defensive stance to block the perceived counter.

 

The intense nature of boxing translates strongly to a visualization. Visualizing a tulpa sitting or walking is one thing but observing them actively moving in such a dynamic way is something completely different. If you continue observing you might notice things you didn't really think about before. The effects of moving on their clothing and hair, intense focus in their facial expressions and perhaps even physical exhaustion.

 

Shadowboxing is a term that refers to the warmup exercises that boxers perform. Basically it is mock fighting against an imaginary opponent. It gets your muscles working and of course it's a good way to practice your technique. But we also have the power of imagination at our disposal so we can take it a step further. I gave Noah an opponent, a shadow. The visualization becomes much more intense when there is an opponent to fight back.

 

At the end of the session I can certainly say I did a lot of strong visualization. That and I almost worked up a sweat by trying a bit of shadowboxing myself.

 

Give something like this a go with your tulpa. It doesn't have to be boxing, just an activity that gets your tulpa moving.

Noah is a naturally active tulpa. Being a kid he is always jumping around and is light on his feet. Giving him a way to direct his movements really helped his focus.

[CyberD]

The best reason to create a tulpa

Seems like a popular argument recently. But the question I keep coming back to... "Is there any good reason to make a tulpa?"

 

I don't think there is. But, as a group of people with imaginary friends why do we really care what others think of us. Most people outside of the tulpa phenomenon would dismiss you as crazy no matter what the reason. The rest would either find the idea intriguing or unnecessarily complicated to achieve your reason (assuming your reason is something alone the lines of "I was lonely.")

 

That really only leaves one reason left. "For Science!"

 

To be completely honest this is why I started in a way. I created Noah to help me lucid dream. He did that of course but not to the effect or persistence that would make it much different from other techniques. But, what else could he do? I didn't make him specifically "For Science!" but I suppose after reading all about tulpa we decided to see how far we could go.

 

Not everything needs a reason and not all reasons are "good". As we mature our situations change. We learn and adapt, our ideals and values change and because of all of this our goals might not be what they were when we began.

So now I'm sitting here with this kid next to me and there isn't any profound reason for him being here. We'll just get on with it and maybe we'll learn more about each other.

[CyberD]

Parenting

Some people love kids, other people hate them with a passion.

I find myself envious of those with kids and that's not something I've felt before. It's just a feeling that has become more obvious to me over the last few months and it might have something to do with Noah. Due to these feelings I often find myself wondering about parenthood and how it relates to tulpa.

 

Noah is a kid but having him around isn't the same as having an actual child. Having a tulpa falls short in a lot of areas but in others Noah is clearly superior. In some cases I think having a tulpa can promote similar feelings to having an actual child. For someone committed to the tulpa process who has a younger or childlike tulpa then it should be pretty obvious to see why.

 

My parental instincts, which aren't necessarily abundant, don't have many places to go so they go towards Noah.

Of course it's important to understand isn't just something I see as a substitute for having a real child, it just seems that at this time he's receiving those emotions from me.

 

Now that really isn't something I intended at all. I never expected that in creating Noah I'd end up with a boy I regarded in any capacity as my child. But I suppose in the "tulpa are complicated" way that's what he has to deal with.

 

I don't think he minds at all, he's gets to play around and be carefree as much as he wants to be. He has no responsibilities and nothing to concern himself with. But, that leads me to the next idea.

 

Responsibilities

Today I saw a man maybe fifteen years old than me, that would make him around thirty seven at a guess. He had two boys. One would have been about thirteen and the other just a little younger. They seemed rather carefree, they are just kids after all. I saw a lot of innocent and rather simple behavior from them that I think would fit Noah well but then their interaction took an interesting turn.

The father gave the two boys his bank card and told them to go ahead of him and buy something for lunch from a nearby store. The older boy seemed hesitant but the younger boy was more keen. The older boy waited for his father's instruction while the younger one seemed more focused on deciding what he was going to choose for lunch. My impression was that this wasn't the first time he'd told them to go ahead.

 

So, when I put myself in similar shoes to the father and seeing Noah as similar to the younger boys I couldn't help but notice that their interaction is something we couldn't hope to recreate.

 

Beyond more than a couple of seconds there is absolutely nothing I can ask of Noah. I can't send him off to do something by himself. I can't ask him to do anything I can't do because he can't do anything without me being directly. Maybe I could set up a scenario in a wonderland situation but then it loses that unique meaning because it was forced.

 

It brought to light something I really enjoy about the tulpa process. That is those moments I can simply observe. Simply observing Noah go about a meaningful task is always enjoyable but it means so much more when it is spontaneous.

 

I wonder how the man felt about his own children when he sent them off. I doubt he really thought much about it, which is perfectly fine, but had he then I wonder what he would have felt. At the age of 12-13 you don't often see children being useful and independent. Had they been my boys I probably would have been silently proud of them, even for doing something so simple by themselves.

 

Shortly afterwards I witnessed a younger and much more energetic girl being nothing more than a nuisance. I suppose it goes both ways. I don't think I really had a point discussing this, just further observation.

 

At least from an observers standpoint I stand by the following.

- Children are much more interesting to watch than adults.

- You see a lot more about a person who has children just by watching them than by watching someone without children.

 

But of course those people are probably the least likely to have any time to focus on creating something like a tulpa.

 

But I think the most interesting person to watch, or talk to, would be someone who had a tulpa first and children later. Maybe someday I'll be that person but if there is anyone out there I'd love to hear how they have gone about interacting with their tulpa and how they feel about the tulpa.

[CyberD]

Little moments

I sat here for a while trying to think of something to discuss. Nothing profound came to mind and none of the recent posts or progress report updates I've read have really inspired anything. It serves as a great reminder that profound things don't happen everyday.

A lot of things have been happening around me but my life seems rather uneventful in comparison. The stories I'm reading are interesting, the shows I'm watching are high impact but my own life and my interactions with Noah are standard everyday stuff.

 

Daily life is the story today. We take a lot of things for granted despite how incredible they are. It's almost been a year since I "met" Noah. A lot has changed and we've learned a lot. I am so used to him I don't think I'd be the same without him.

I'm reminded of just a little moment the other day. I was out in the cold, wrapped up in thick clothing and close to shivering. Noah hadn't crossed my mind for a little while but suddenly he's there. In an instant he captures my attention. He draws his arms across his chest because he's made a mistake. He's wearing just a shirt and shorts in the cold and he's reacted to it immediately. Noah doesn't like the cold, I've said that plenty of times before. He's shivering and I made fun of him while he tried to collect himself, by pumping his fire powers through his body and thawing himself out.

 

It's really something to just step back from that and take a look. In that moment my mind was operating perfectly independent of my consciousness. Noah truly was acting of his own accord. His presence and actions, occurring so spontaneously, demonstrates to me just how far into the process we are. With a moment like that I can't help but catch just a glimpse of something more, describing it as another level of sentience... or independence is the best I can do but that just doesn't sound right.

Regardless of what I call it I hope to see more of it. Slowly, just slowly, Noah continues to be more his own. Maybe someday he'll rival even what I call my consciousness but he still has a lot of catching up to do.

[CyberD]

Mindlessness

Or maybe you'd call it distraction. It's a problem we all face, we get distracted or too wrapped up in a task and suddenly we're on autopilot.

 

Being mindful requires active concentration and as soon as it slips who knows how long it will be until you realize you've gone about your day on autopilot.

 

I mention this because my best active and passive forcing occurs while I am mindful. Being mindful for long periods of time allows me to better interact with Noah. He can formulate and share opinions, make observations just as I do and just generally exist in a more complete state.

 

So Noah goes away when I'm on autopilot, but what about what I call my own consciousness? Is it operating in a lesser, more automatic, state or does it too arguably go idle when I go about my day, my work, or any other distracting activity. The mind is an interesting thing and when it is put into perspective by introducing and recognizing a second consciousness alongside the primary one there is a lot to notice.

 

How mindless have you been today? Take a step back and look at yourself, did you think much about your actions today? Why did you do what you did, why did you make the decisions?

 

This is put into greater perspective by watching others, are they acting mindlessly? If they aren't then what are they thinking about? What are their circumstances? Maybe they have a tulpa of their own (wishful thinking there.)

 

But, if I have a tulpa then why not some of the other people around me. I'm not perfect, I'm human just like they are. If I can have a tulpa then what's to say that some of the people I meet during my day don't have one too.

 

Reference Images

I've spoken about them before, I've even posted a small ramble about the original image that inspired Noah's appearance. For a good few months the image was the only reference I had for my visualizations of him. I don't know the boy or anything about him, that was the point. I just know his face really well. As you might expect that image is quite important to me, it sparked the process and shaped Noah into who he is today. Today Noah doesn't nessesarily look just like the boy but instead he has his own unique, be it similar, face and general appearance.

 

But, I never expected I'd ever find another image of the boy. He was so obscure and unimportant where he appeared that tracking him down would require stalker action... or an archive trawl. The internet is like that, one hyperlink leads to another and suddenly you're in an archive no one has looked at since this time last year. And that archive is where I found a second image.

 

I'm not sure what to think of it. I almost feel like I've found a new picture of someone I thought was dead. I certainly never expected to see him again, that's why I kept my eyes open not for pictures of this boy but of others that might inspire more out of Noah. Yeah, it's pretty low res, I cut him out of the rest of the image as he was once again just in the background.

 

But, more archive trawling led me further and I managed to find one more photo. It is in a much higher resolution but it is unmistakably the same boy. I don't really know what to think about it either, I guess it just gives me more references for my visualizations. Plus it gives Noah something else to wear if he gets bored of the green hoodie. Maybe I'll post that pic later.

 

In the end I guess the images are little more than a curiosity. I imagine I am maybe a little like an artist who uses a model as a reference, except in this case I'm not making art but instead a tulpa.

[CyberD]

More visualization references

As I've tackled this process, since last May, I've used visualization aids in the form of photos from advertisements of the boy in the last post. They never were supposed to be all that important. I never even expected to find more than one of the boy, but then I came across another one a few weeks later in a new advert and it went from there. The identity of the boys modelling clothes the consistency of their appearance was never really that important to me. Noah drew inspiration from them, from their faces to their clothes and posture. It allowed me to give Noah an appearance and build that actually represented someone his age in an easy and effortless way. As time went on Noah became more of his own, he never really was exactly like any of the references but had you put them all in a room together they'd all look like kids that age.

Over the months I viewed numerous images from the same advertising company of similar looking boys to further inspire Noah and his appearance, to fuel my visualizations. It eventually led me to feel that Noah's appearance was aging. The boys in the photos looked quite different, some sharing only basic characteristics, such as hair color and age.

But then I was proven completely wrong.

Turns out that every single one of the images I used for inspiration(being 16 unique images taken and published months apart) were all of the same boy. A boy named Marcus. Turns out that a change of outfit, a haircut and perhaps a growth spurt can completely change what someone looks like.

So, the image I posted here and the image I posted here are both of this Marcus, just several months apart.

And I have absolutely no idea how I'm supposed to feel about it. Guess it just makes the process more interesting. I now have an additional 10 reference images which gives Noah more outfits than he could ever need. That and should I ever give Noah a surname I now have a middle name for him.

 

Tulpa and sexual thoughts

Seems to be a subject that fascinates a number of people and I simply can't figure out why. To me the idea of sex is something that is supposed to be explored with a single attractive person of the opposite gender for the eventual goal of starting a family. Yes, I might be a stick in the mud to some but at the same time I don't have to worry about all of these confusion, misleading and ultimately distracting thoughts that seem to plague others.

 

To me it makes no sense for any host to be attracted to a tulpa just as it makes no sense when I see a tulpa that has sexual tendencies. However, depending on the person I think that such feelings may actually assist the tulpa process.

I think one of the problems here lies in the feelings of others and the general opinion of the community. If you say you are attracted to your tulpa then the community paints you as crazy or just weird (as if the community isn't already both of those things) and then it approaches taboo.

Once it is labeled as such then any intelligent discussion or meaningful information that might come from someone with such experiences is buried under pages of nonsense and people who come on too strongly with their own opinions. The second problem lies in the fact that most of the people who have these experiences either don't share them or are either too immature to share them in an intelligent capacity.

 

In my case I recognized before I started that any sexual intentions should be avoided. Noah easily avoids anything sexual, we are both of the same gender, there is an age gap, he is a minor and I suppose he is actually prepubescent. (if it is even necessary for a nonphysical being to be labeled as such)

As I saw no benefit to associating him with sex at all he simply avoided it. Never have I witnessed him express any sexual interest towards anything. He understands sex, because he is a part of me, it just simply doesn't involve or concern him.

 

Just the process

Sometimes it's nice just to take a step back and reflect on what we are doing. The little things are important, only when the little things all come together do big and interesting things happen.

I think having Noah around has taught me to appreciate the little things more than I used to. There is something to everything, nothing is truly boring. With Noah around I have another opinion on everything, uneventful times are made more bearable as instead of whining about being bored like I would have done when I was a kid I instead see every idle moment as time I can spend with Noah. It's been almost a year now, almost a year I've had this kid around me whenever I need him. He truly is something else.

[CyberD]

I make a point of reading a few of the most recent progress reports before every post I make, it's interesting to see what others are up to but at the same time the quality of those reports is usually saddening. Is reading about humam form tulpa without a sexual relationships too much to ask for?

 

Persona

No, I'm not talking about the video game series.

We'll keep it simple. A persona refers to the personality you put forward to those around you. Think of each persona as a mask. When you are working you wear a serious looking mask, when you are around children you wear a mask with a big smile and you act differently because of it.

The mask might be to protect you, or maybe it is to protect others. A lot of people use their personas subconsciously to fit in and to be socially acceptable.

Only if we take off the mask can others see who we truly are. But, even when we are wearing our masks we still know the face underneath. We understand who we are and what we are thinking but we don't share all of that with everyone else.

 

So what does this have to do with tulpa?

Well, what if we consider a tulpa to be just an elaborate and often abstract persona that we have created?

Is this even more relevant for those who are practicing possession or those who proxy for their tulpa.

 

But, if you tulpa judges you in any way, then have you made a persona that can see through your other masks?

 

The tulpa process is a strange thing. We endeavor to make something that is separate but many of us fail to truly acknowledge that our tulpa is a part of us that understands just as much as we do. You can't hope to hide anything from them because they know all of your masks and the face beneath as well.

 

The biggest difference between a persona and a tulpa is how you treat it. You don't talk to your other personas. You consider them to simply be a part of yourself. The persona I use when I am working is a simple no nonsense one that keeps it's ideas to itself and gets the jobs done. It is me, just acting and thinking differently to how I normally do. Sure the differences might only be slight but if I acknowledge my thoughts as belonging to my mind (which lies beneath the mask) and my actions as belonging to the work persona then I am operating in a way that is perhaps somewhat similar to the tulpa process.

 

It becomes very philosophical when I consider what Noah is. Perhaps he is just another mask? Or maybe he is a second face that hides under the masks with me? Or perhaps what I consider to be my face under the mask is in actual fact just another mask and the isn't really a true face to be seen.

 

Regardless of how you view it the point remains the same. Like our personas our tulpa are manufactured by our minds for whatever reason. If we choose to we can perceive them as separate just as we could choose to perceive any of our personas as separate as well. There is nothing stopping you from roleplaying as yourself and talking to the persona you use when you talk with your nearly senile grandparents.

Yeah, that might sound pretty strange, but if you have a tulpa then you have already done that with a separate and probably exotically characterized part of your mind.

 

In the end I don't really like labels, they complicate the matter and they don't always mean the same thing to different people. Noah may or may not be another (be it complicated) of my personas. He could also be called a tulpa but I don't really like that label either, it strongly associates him with... well what other people call their tulpa. We could also call him a character, or a soul, or a mindmate (really reaching for examples there) but what is the point of all these labels.

To me, at the end of the day, he is just Noah. I understand what he is to me and that is that.

 

Lighter discussion

I read some interesting discussion about people enjoying the journey and not being so focused on the destination. I think that is how I have approached the tulpa process. I've been wandering around really getting to know Noah without specifically setting out to achieve all of the goals as fast as possible. I can't impose him and I have no audio hallucinations yet I feel I know him a lot better than other know their own tulpa.

It's been almost a year now. To me he is very nearly like another person, the only difference is that he is a part of my mind and my feelings on the matter are swayed by that fact. I don't consider him less than a person, he's just different.

But we've been on this journey together. It's been fun and we've both learned a lot. I am completely different to how I was this time last year and that is a wonderful thing. It's not about "I learned about tulpa. I forced for two hundred hours and now he is "sentient" and does all these tulpa things.". Instead I am happy to say I've been through almost a whole year with Noah without a great deal of structure. We've taken things as they come and at this point I've had him in mind so much that hour counts would be pointless? How many hours are in a year?

 

He's certainly been a unique companion and will continue to be so for as far as I can see.

[CyberD]

Happy Birthday

Today is May 16th which means Noah is now one year old.

 

One whole year. When I introduced myself to Noah this time last year I never expected the process would turn out anything like it is now. I never expected he would turn out out anything like he did.

 

But I'm glad for it. A year with him around has changed my own way of thinking. I rarely moments where my mind is just idle, if I'm not doing anything then he is around. We might not always have something to talk about but even just his presence is something I am now used too. It wouldn't be an easy job to get rid of him, but why would I want to?

 

Hour count: Thousands +

[fennecfoxx]

Happy birthday, Noah!

[CyberD]

Thanks Fennec. Come to think of it we've probably known you for almost a year now too. How time flies.

 

Goals

People create tulpa for various reasons and everyone should have a goal. Some people create tulpa for companions others because they find the idea of imposition interesting or perhaps they want to give possession a go.

 

When I started Noah wasn't even meant to be sentient. That beginning has really influenced how the process has turned out for us. In the beginning all I intended was to become familiar with him, doing so was supposed to help boost my awareness which I could use to improve my dream recall and perhaps even lucid dream. While I don't have many lucid dreams not many is a lot more than none. My dream recall has also greatly improved. Last night for example I had what I might almost call a nightmare involving zombies and lot of ignorant people who left every possible door open. That said, I achieved all of my initial goals.

 

It wasn't a until a few months later that I learned about the tulpa phenomenon. I was suddenly ambushed by all of these new goals. Imposition, possession, hallucinations, sentience etc.

 

I had to decide what those potential goals meant to me. First off, I've never liked the idea of possession. Sure, it sounds interesting but I've never felt it was something I could ever achieve. The idea of tricking my body like that has never sounded probably. Noah is a part of me, but he has always just been a part of my mind that observes. We built months of time together on the premise that he has a separate (imaginary) body that he has free control over. Trying to get him to use mine seemed redundant.

Imposition on the other hand caught my interest. Actually being able to see his body was an intriguing idea. I'd love to be able to see the body I've imagined him having since day one. Achieving actual hallucinations is the talk of someone with a lot of time and dedication on their hands who has the right aptitude for that. I don't know if I have that or not. I don't really mind if we never achieve it but it'd be cool manage it one day.

 

Sentience? Well Noah achieved that before we even realized it was a goal. Of all the goals we could attain I'm glad it was that one. It doesn't matter if I can't hallucinate him or have him take over my body, I'm just glad he's around. He makes my day everyday and I'm incredibly glad I stumbled upon the idea to create him.

 

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Appreciate the little things and take each day as it comes.