Daniel's Tulpa Progress Log

[CyberD]

Still here, still working at it. Firstly I must say that having a new reference picture has really changed how I've perceive Nova over the last few days. Having something new to focus on has been refreshing, instead of Nova always wearing green I can easily visualize him wearing the new outfit. Being a grey shirt over a red long sleeved tshirt and bright blue jeans.

I'll really have to make some time for a forcing session dedicated to it, it makes him just a little more real and adding some variety to his wardrobe is long overdue.... it is the little things after all that make people (and tulpa) who they are.

 

Disassociation

It's one of the goals. To train yourself to recognize the tulpa as someone separate from your own thoughts. I had one of those "duh" moments today when it suddenly crossed my mind that Nova is in fact a part of my mind. I've been talking to him so much that the particular thought-stream ("Nova is a part of my mind") doesn't occur much any more. I've definitely reached a point where I am no longer concerned that he is a part of me, his reactions and responses are no longer a part of my conscious thoughts. I think of him lying on my bed behind me after a couple of minutes of not talking to him and I visualize him sitting up, completely independent of my own thoughts.

It's a little bizarre to observe it in my head. While it's rare he'll interrupt by speaking I am observing a lot more passive behavior. By that I mean him moving around, reactions to things while I'm focused etc.

I also feel that very slowly we are reaching the next step, a point where he'll interrupt me without my thinking about him directly.

 

You can't really measure a tulpa's independence from the host. There are no tests you can do and the only real way to get better at it is to have the tulpa around all the time and getting used to them.

 

While a lot hasn't changed I certainly feel like we're still moving forward.

[fennecfoxx]

That's great to hear! Progress is always good. :)

[CyberD]

Thanks Fennec, you keep at it too.

 

Balance

There are two very different sides to tulpa process that I am witnessing at the moment. The first is clear to see, people jumping in and taking everything at face value. They grab a pony and have right old time full of laughs, hugs and maybe sex. There is no over thinking it and why would they? It would over complicate an already complicated idea.

 

Then there are those who love throwing around the word Philosophy. They know who they are and if you have been paying any attention at all then you know who they are too.

 

I like to see what people have to offer and while I would like to relate to both sides I feel I am neither, I am one of the those who fits into a third category, one between the two. I like keeping things simple but I don't mind exploring more complex ideas. I find myself failing to keep up with those exploring the idea of tulpa in more complex ways than I can understand. But at the same time I find myself alienated from others because their process seems too simple.

 

And I find it a tricky place to be in.

 

So what do I do? Do I go on like I always have?

Of course I do. Instead of freaking out and having a crisis I can only seek to learn more. I think everyone here can teach me something, that I can learn something from how they tackle the process and how they interact with their tulpa.

Whether they think I'm simple minded... or some kind of tulpa master with a perfectly vocal tulpa I can still listen to them and try to learn something new.

 

Because it would seem that sometimes tulpa are serious business.

 

Going's on

So on a lighter note. What have we been up to lately.

As usual there have been no major developments. That should hardly come as a surprise at this point. Milestones are smaller and further between, I stopped looking for them a long time ago anyway. Instead, it is just the little moments.

I've been able to focus more on Nova's presence a lot more recently. He comes to mind more often and stays there longer, I find myself engaging him in conversation while I am working even though the conversations themselves may be about meaningless things. If it continues then I suppose I would eventually reach a point where he is always in mind, that his presence would never be lost to distraction. But that's probably still quite a ways off. Until then though I can enjoy working with him in as much as possible.

[CyberD]

Doubt

Seems to be a pretty popular topic nowadays. The newbies, they grab the word and they throw it around. The people giving advice, they stick "don't" on the front of it and throw that around. But is that really helping?

Doubt, don't doubt. Assume sentience from the start. Your tulpa is there, don't doubt them.

I see a lot of that. A whole lot.

The more we mention doubt the more important it becomes, whether we doubt or not.

 

So if I were just starting out today I'd read twenty guides. I'd get several almost conflicting techniques to explain the process and I'd see the word doubt so many times I'd be wondering how anyone could ever believe in all of it. Then maybe I'd go to the IRC and ask the people there, "Is this whole tulpa thing even real?"

 

Sounds familiar. Because it probably happens every day.

 

But how do you remove the doubt? How can you be like me and acknowledge it so freely yet not be at all affected by it. Simple. You understand what you are doing. I could probably ramble for ages but today I don't have to, because it is simple.

 

What are you really? When it comes down to it all we are is nothing more than a bunch of electrical pulses inside our heads. Your "sentience" or "consciousness" is formed through experience, through interaction with your environment.

So then what is a tulpa? It's the same thing really. It's a bunch of those electrical pulses that you are trying to separate from the rest of them.

You can't hope to truly understand what a tulpa is until you understand what you are.

 

A tulpa is a test of the mind. To perceive itself as two separate entities is only as farfetched as you believe it to be. With practice it may be difficult but there is no reason it couldn't be possible, you just have a lot of work to undo, years of being the only one inside that head of yours.

 

Well that's me jumping off the deep end. At least I do so while remaining rational to the sane man. In fact I still consider myself one of the sane men. For I understand what is going on in my mind more than many ever will their own.

 

But back to the doubt thing specifically for a moment. I'd like to share a part of how I started. Nova wasn't a tulpa when I began. I simply called him a character, that didn't make him any different from what a tulpa is though, the goal was the same, only the name was different. When I started I wasn't surrounded by a large number of people. None of them expressed any form of doubt, everything was perfect, everyone's "character" was a part of them that they knew was there. Without doubt in mind he was able to flourish with no imaginary chains keeping him back. He became real enough to me that by the time I even considered doubting his existence it was too late. I can't get rid of him now, why would I want to.

 

A little bit of visualization

This is just something small I noted and that I felt was worth sharing. I wouldn't call it progress, I wouldn't even call it new to me but I do still find it interesting. (and life is all about the little things right?)

On occasion Nova takes to the music I'm listening to. When I was typing the last section I was listening to a slow piano piece. I found him playing a keyboard and matching the tune. Now I'm no music expert so by association he isn't either but that doesn't stop the power of imagination. As far as the visualization is concerned Nova knows how to play perfectly, I watch his fingers move slowly across the imaginary keyboard as if he knows what he's doing. I found it quite endearing. Keep in mind that on some level this was going on while I was rambling.

Of course I see it a lot more clearly when I focus, but that is true of all things, tulpa or not.

So I decided to test him out. I put on a piece of piano music with a very high tempo, that means a lot of notes very quickly. He suddenly became very engaged, he bit his bottom lip and put all of his focus into the keyboard at his fingers. And he struck every single note. I don't think I could even move my hands that fast, let alone get them in the right places but with the power of imagination he could do it.

In truth my headphones and my computer were doing all the work but that hardly matters. Tulpa isn't about what is real, it is about perceiving things as if they were. The level of detail I experience isn't perfect, there is always room for improvement but just watching him makes me glad I've gone to all the trouble.

 

It's almost been nine months since I started. For something life changing like having a tulpa that is a long time. But there is no stopping yet and I hope that Nova gets to witness what is to come along side me.

 

Writing

This post is getting a bit longer than usual, but what's wrong with that. I've spent quite a bit of time over the last week or so working on the story I mentioned a little while ago under the same heading. Like usual I find myself stuck thinking of new ideas and new, better, ways of telling the story. It's a problem I have every time I have an idea, it's never good enough, I keep changing it until I'm burned out. Then I start again with a new idea. But today I think I figured this one out. I have enough fuel to really get it going and once it is I doubt I'll be able to stop. It's a nice feeling, I bet it is quite similar to how some people feel when they create their tulpa. Except most people probably don't go through 8 different reconstructions (rewrites) of their tulpa before they really get going.

[CyberD]

Tulpa Aging

I know I said I wasn't going to post it but I changed my mind.

This is the new reference image I have for Nova. (a full version can be seen here). I'm posting it because over the week that I've had it I find that I no longer see Nova as the boy in the original picture at all, he has become this boy instead. Given the two look quite similar I'm sticking with the story that the boy in both pictures is the same, just nine months later. It really doesn't matter if he is or not because to me he is.

So that means Nova has in fact aged 9 months, both physically and mentally. No I'm not worried at all. Why would I be, I have no intention to slowly make Nova an adult over the next few years and even if I did it wouldn't mean anything. His situation and "the power of imagination" mean he can go back to being the boy in the old reference picture with the click of his fingers. I look at him now and he's changing between the forms just to prove a point. Primarily he's the boy above but due to the nature of a tulpa he can be whatever he wants to be at any moment.

 

It leads me to an interesting idea. How many people here actually regard their tulpa as having a true human form. By that I mean they don't use cartoon style images, a 3d computer model or an exaggerated form of visualization. Just true, pure human. I know that a good number can be ruled out by not being human to begin with.

 

In my case my tulpa's form has "accidentally" aged. Perhaps I should say subconsciously but I'm not to sure about that either. I think it's because I've been using an actual photo, which is something that isn't the norm. I find it hard to imagine many other tulpa aging physically (changing their form) unintentionally to match time because of this one fact. The host's image of the tulpa doesn't change because the reference they've used wouldn't change. Working without a reference it would depend on the individual. I doubt many people think about aging when they go into this. I know I didn't. But here I am.

In the end though it's just a curiosity and not really any more than that. Maybe it's just a sign I've been here too long.

[CyberD]

100 posts. Not as many as a lot of people here but if eliminate the people who's posts are meaningless it puts me pretty far up the list. (We all know who they are.)

So today I guess I'll start with

 

The format of a "Progress Report"

There is one key problem with this section of the site. The name. As we make progress the idea of a tulpa changes. We reach the end, or a stable stopping point in the process. Most of us end up with a fully vocal and independent tulpa or tulpas who may or may not be imposed. At that point there is no longer anything to make measurable progress with.

The tulpa process turns into a relationship. You don't make "progress" with a relationship.

So instead there are a couple of ways you can go with your report. Either you ramble about what you did with your tulpa over the day, which is probably pretty similar day to day or you do what I do and ramble about various tulpa related topics.

Day to day stuff helps bond with your tulpa, which in most cases is a form of progress.

Rambling about various tulpa topics helps you understand them better, which is also progress.

 

Discussing your day relies on people being interested in you personally to gain anything from your report. Rambling only requires someone to have an idea of tulpa.

 

My days are boring and would put people to sleep, myself included. So I grab a random topic and see how much I can squeeze out of it. It'd be great to see someone else give it a go. (Because then I could use their topics instead of spending forever coming up with my own.)

 

Thought stream vs Thoughts as words

The idea was being bounced around the IRC yesterday. Basically there are two kinds of thoughts. The fast kind, which is raw emotion and meaning. The second kind is thoughts as words. When you put your thoughts into words in your head.

 

Both kinds are useful but which kind of thought process is better for a tulpa? Most seemed to think that is was a pure thought stream. The tulpa reads your thoughts and you communicate faster and clearer than putting things into words. You and your tulpa understand each other without the need for words.

Tulpa created through most methods (expect for assumed sentience from the start and parroting) use this kind of method to communicate first. It isn't until later that the tulpa uses words.

 

I myself find it difficult to imagine having a tulpa who communicates only in this fashion. Nova has always been able to communicate with words. I find that when we communicate with words it is more meaningful, that the message is getting through and most importantly that it is like he is a human.

Also, you need spoken words if you're ever going to trick your sense into thinking an imaginary human is a real one. Unless you're really used to having a mute around.

 

Of course a lot of people would probably argue against me. It really depends on the person. I personally find a thought stream to be a half focused attempt at communication. Words are reassuring to me, they all represent that time has gone into the effort of communicating. Focus is important and more memorable than a simple thought stream.

[CyberD]

But it's only been like 4 hours since I last posted.... So? I thought of more things I wanted to talk about.

 

I am Male and my tulpa is also Male.

Why? I thought about it for a while and I came up with an answer. Before you guess, no. Your answer is wrong. Sexuality has nothing to do with it.

 

Instead, I came up with a more complicated reason.

The short version: Nova represents youth. In particular, my youth.

 

The long version: Now I'm going to talk about what I went through when I created my tulpa Nova. Most of this stuff happened subconsciously (or at least without direct thought) because this is the first time I've thought about it in so much detail. The next idea here is one I've talked a lot about this before and it is relevant here. "The ideal tulpa". If you had to ask me the one single most important trait a human can have, I'd answer age. Physically they would have youth but mentally they'd be old and wise. A physical human cannot have both of these traits. Youth, wisdom. Real children are stupid... well that might be a bit harsh, but at best they lack the experience that comes with age. Old people are typically frail and weak. Facts of life. I was once a stupid child and eventually I'll be old and frail. No denying it, it's the truth. That's what will happen to all of us.

But, for a tulpa you can break the rules. The power of imagination allows for both of those things to exist inside a single being. A tulpa can be whatever you want it to be, whatever it wants to be. So, why would it choose to be anything other than what you consider ideal? (assuming your tulpa isn't secretly working against you)

 

I knew one thing right from the start. I want my tulpa to have youth. I wanted it to be young. I want it to be thirteen maybe fourteen. It's an age you can look at that isn't too young but is still young enough to consider "youth". But, I have to be able to relate to it somehow. With an age gap of 7-8 years when I started I knew I wanted something I could be comfortable with. So, male or female? Well, the only fourteen year old girls I know are on tv sitcoms... they are drama filled and scream a lot. I don't think I could relate to that at all. Plus, when I was fourteen I didn't exactly know a lot of girls very well. I knew a couple of nice ones but for every girl I knew ten guys a lot better. (girls don't play soccer you see and I spent a lot of my free time at school playing soccer. I was actually pretty good, one of the star players.)

Anyway. The choice is pretty simple at this point. It had to be male. I could relate to it because I am male, and once upon a time I knew a lot of males of that age... because once upon a time I was a male of that age.

 

So I created an image of a boy that age choosing just a few traits. He had blond hair, blue eyes. That image and his name came from a short story that never left the basic concept phase. In fact I recycled the character idea a few time as I pondered different story ideas. I liked the name because it was worked well. See it had a pair, Noah was the name of an ordinary boy while Nova was the name of a secret identity. In one idea Nova was an AI that the boy Noah programmed.

So I took it at that. Nova was the AI I programmed, except instead of an AI he was a tulpa. It worked, it let me associate him with fire (to add depth to his character) and we went from there.

Of course his appearance changed to that of Original (which is still what I'm calling the boy in the advertisement) and he eventually stopped using fire powers all the time (he still does sometimes).

I find it incredibly interesting to examine why I choose what I did.

 

But now I'll try and tie in another point. I think I may have been happy with that form because it allowed me to express a childhood I didn't have. I don't really have any complaints about my own experiences aged 13-14 but I would love to have another go at it. In a way that's what Nova is. Through him I experience what it's like to be that age again. The way he interacts with me and with his environment is fulfilling that desire in the best way I can think of.

 

All of that says a lot, but it doesn't address one last problem relating to the topic question. A lot of other people seem to make their tulpa to fill a role as a soulmate, good friend or unwavering family member. Something corny along those lines. They're always feel good stories that make us warm and fuzzy.... then there are ponies which I cannot understand as any more than pets? But perhaps that goes back to what the host considers an "Ideal form".

 

So what does that make Nova to me? I'm actually surprised the best answer I can come up with right now is what it is. I noticed it a lot during my most recent time with him, we discussed it and he seems to think so too.

 

Nova is my child. In closer truth he is akin to someone I am raising. If he were a human he'd have to be adopted, he's too old to be my actual child. But, our whole experience, the whole nine months so far has followed a simple dynamic. I am the adult and he is the child. I teach him things and thought my experience with him I've learned a lot. I imagine having a child would create a similar mindset.... just that it would be a real child from birth with all the things reality brings with it.

 

I never said it wasn't complicated.

 

What is your tulpa to you really? Why is your tulpa the way it is? This process, this phenomenon if you prefer, it really is something else.

[CyberD]

Here's an idea.

 

Roleplaying to create a tulpa.

I know right away I've pressed a lot of buttons that people don't like being pressed. A single mention of the term roleplay sets some people off on rants where they cry about how they did things "The right way."

 

But what is the right way? You hear about how someone talked to a ball of light for a hundred hours before something happened. Sure, that might work. Maybe you'll hear that they simply talked to an empty chair until something formed in it to listen. But what does it mean to create a tulpa like that? You might argue that your tulpa formed on it's own, and that makes it super special and "better" than tulpa created with different methods.

 

But was the tulpa really formed on it's own. Pretend the person who does this loves ponies. Or perhaps they like overly aggressive demon type character, or maybe waifu worthy anime girls... When the tulpa ends up taking a form the host considers "ideal" (or close to) then how is that any different from deliberately creating the tulpa's form before you even begin.

All I can draw from that is the following.

The host wasted a lot of valuable time. The host is a hypocrite if they argue their method was superior because their tulpa formed itself over time. (because in such a case it clear the tulpa has been influenced by the host's desires.)

 

So there is a case for choosing the image of the tulpa before you begin.

The tulpa process relies heavily on our own perception, our own feelings and beliefs. For some it helps to believe that their tulpa formed over time, it builds confidence. That isn't my opinion. I believe that belief itself overrules regardless of time spent. If the host believes their tulpa is independent, then it is. The circumstances of creation are irrelevant, only what you see before you right now matters.

 

But what does that have to do with roleplay. Simple. Like it or not many tulpa have been created through methods similar to, or intentionally roleplaying.

 

The oldest tulpa in the comminity. They are very real to their hosts. They range anything from a couple of years to more than a decade. Most of these tulpa would have been conceived through roleplay. Imaginary friends from childhood, characters created for stories or roleplays. Many of these people would have even called them such.

Are we not allowed to call these tulpa? Are they invalid because they began as childhood fantasy? Because they weren't created by someone straining their mind for "head pressure" and "signs of sentience?"

 

I believe tulpa is a broad term. It covers all of these, some might arguably be more of a tulpa than others but at the end of the day it's all in our heads. And who is any one of us to judge the inside of someone elses head?

 

So then consider this.

 

A very simple guide to creating a tulpa through roleplay

Step one. Create a character you like. Define their personality and appearance as much as you want.

Step two. Imagine that character standing next to you. Either in real life or using a wonderland.

Step three. Say hello

Step four. Imagine the character replying.

Step five. Continue interaction until you become so used to the character their actions occur without you actively thinking about it.

 

Done. You now have a tulpa. You roleplayed them until they weren't you anymore. I'm completely serious about every step.

 

And do you know why I'm serious about it? Because that's how my tulpa was made. Even down to the awkward hello. When I started I didn't know the hip term that is "tulpa." He was just my character. Only by later discovering tulpa and the goals the technique seeks did I actually realize I had something that might fit those goals. Without realizing it I had made a sentient being. Learning to perceive him as such was no struggle at all after that.

 

And oh no, by following that technique I have done several things that some would label taboo. In just seconds I have parroted, puppeted and assumed sentience from the start.

 

Is that a bad thing? Of course not.

Humans learn by doing. By experiencing. You don't experience anything by talking to a chair and hoping someday something will fill it. You gain experience by exploring ideas and learning more about them as they evolve. That is the tulpa process to me, learning about yourself. It doesn't matter how you do it. This is just a method that cuts through the fluff "serious" people ground their beliefs in.

[CyberD]

The IRC has been good for giving me some ideas recently.

 

Having a vocal tulpa. Traditional vs Roleplaying (Parroting)

The question of discussion was simple, a newbie question to be sure but still a fair one. Why doesn't my tulpa ever speak? I listen but I'm not sure if the faint words I hear are me or my tulpa.

I understand the problem but my own experience makes it difficult for me to relate.

Typically my advice would by this. Just keep talking to your tulpa until they talk back. Sounds pretty stupid right. But what else can I say? Keep narrating? Keep listening?

Or you could try parroting.

It comes down to your expectations. My expectations were greatly different to what most people will be expecting and that is where the problem lies.

See in my process I wasn't looking for independent though, independent speech, I knew it was all me from the start. Only later did I actually realize that what I had been doing had made him seem truly independent.

 

Nova was vocal from the very beginning. It was all parroted of course but my technique didn't have anything more to it than that (read above about roleplaying)

Because of this I was able to stick with, to not get discouraged. It gave us both practice at getting used to what he sounds like. Eventually we were so used to it that it became automatic. That parts of my mind that I don't really observe would come up with responses. It reached a point that it was so fast and so independent from my own thoughts that they seem like his own. And isn't that the point of the tulpa.

The path we took was different but the result is the same. The only difference is that we learned through experience instead of trying to guess replies and listen for echoes.

 

It's difficult to know if this roleplaying style of tulpa is constructive or not. You really have to understand what you are doing. I call it roleplaying, but I know my mindset was different during the process. I understood that Nova was his own being. I wasn't trying to be him, he could do what he wanted, move how he wanted, reply how he wanted.

 

In the end the answer is the same regardless of how you do it. Practice. The longer you spend with your tulpa the longer the mind has to get used to them. Every part of the tulpa process is this.

[CyberD]

A short update on progress

(because I don't have a topic today)

Over the last few days I've been trying to work a little more with Nova on the visualization/imposition side of things. Specifically I've been analyzing my attempts at visualization in an effort to make them more vivid. I'd say I was a little successful. There are two important things I note when I visualize. The big picture and the details.

Only when I focus can I maintain an image of both. If I get too wrapped up in the details then I lose sight of the big picture, the opposite is also true.

But, at the very least I have found a way to counter it. I focus on movement, actions, posture and attitude. When Nova is moving, or stressing a point through his demeanor, then the image is much easier to focus on as well as being more vivid as a whole.

For example. If he turns his head then my mind now has something new to work with. For a moment I become more engaged, the visualization is easy and most importantly it seems real. Sure it's not even close to imposed but my imagination sees it.

 

The biggest problem is remaining engaged. Sure I can keep Nova around me all the time but truth be told he isn't really all that engaging. I get distracted by little things and I'll forget to keep talking to him. I really need to find a way to get him actively involved that can keep my focus. In the end it really is an exercise in discipline. Just gotta keep practicing I suppose.