Daniel's Tulpa Progress Log

[CyberD]

Comfort in what is familiar

So you've had your tulpa for a while and nothing has really changed in quite some time. What do you do? Some people might try to spark something new, get something going to try and keep it exciting. That's not me at all.

 

I take refuge in familiarity.

 

Imagine the process like knowing another person. Well, Nova has become quite the friend. I am used to him being around. I know him pretty well. It's "almost" like having another friend. Except this friend is more predictable because he is a part of me.

Progress isn't something I really need to look for so much anymore. Things happen and our dynamic will evolve as time goes on but at this point I'm not expecting anything dramatic.

All I can really say is that I am trying to spend more time with him. I try to spend time with him just like I would a friend. But, because he is "on call" or technically with me all the time, then I can converse with him whenever I choose. If I were hour counting we'd probably be somewhere in the thousands by now. But, you don't hour count with actual people so why hour count here.

[CyberD]

Reference images

I've talked about and shared a couple of the reference images of Nova I use as visualization aids in the past. Without them I don't think the process would be quite the same.

A reference image gives the host a good idea of what they want their tulpa to look like. Having an actual photo as the image also makes the process feel a lot more real, being able to look at an actual person on my screen whenever I like is encouraging and can really help when I'm having a bad day of visualization.

 

Ever since I started with Nova last year I've kept my eye out for images of boys that he could look like. Most of them have come from the same series of clothing advertisements and it is never the same boy, but it doesn't matter. I checked my folder and counted twelve different pictures that I can look at and say, that is Nova. His appearance in my mind is somewhat of a hybrid of the photos. He might be a little different day to day but it usually matches one of the images fairly closely.

 

Mannerisms

I'll be honest. I don't know any fourteen year old boys personally. The closest would be nine... and he's about the exact opposite of what Nova is. So then what do I draw on.... what does Nova draw on, to know how to act his age?

There isn't a lot really. I find myself observing other people a lot more than I used to. Adults are rather boring to watch, they are usually proper and highly predictable. But younger people, they are random and full of energy. I'd be lucky to see anyone even close to Nova's age during a normal day. If I do it is only for a few minutes or just in passing. Watching them I often note that Nova is a lot more laid back and a lot less "active" (for lack of a better word) than actual people his age. Over the last couple of months though I think we've improved. Nova is less static than he used to be, he is more independent and full of youthful energy. I enjoy that Nova can be like a kid, he has fun with it and it's much more interesting than having a boring tulpa that is as dull as I am.

[CyberD]

Perceived age

It's an important issue for all of us and it's one I've discussed before. But, the very fact I have discussed it before has influenced my perceptions.

 

When I began I decided Nova would be 13 or 14. In reality he was 0, in fact he still is. That's the power of the mind, the power of imagination. Your tulpa can be however old you want it to be. However old it wants to be.

 

So Nova started age somewhere between maybe 13 and a half to 14. I had the initial reference picture to go off of and he remained unchanging for months. The image I used was perfectly true to how I visualized him. I discussed how he could remain unchanging and how he would probably stay like that forever.

 

But then he changed. I found more reference images and using them, in conjunction with my changing perception of his personality, I decided that he was in fact aging. In my mind his form was definitely 14. My perception was influenced as I considered his personality to be maturing. His actions didn't fit the initial image anymore, he seemed more mature than the boy I had started with.

 

Then I acknowledged that by posting on my thread here. That set about more change. By understanding how I felt about him, how I perceived his age and how that perception related to his actions my opinion changed again. We unintentionally set out about bringing back that younger, slightly more carefree and childlike 13 year old.

 

So at this point Nova has gone back to being 13. I probably perceive him as being younger than ever before. But, that's just his form. It's influenced by my desire to stop his aging along with reference images I choose to use at the time. The most recent one depicts a younger boy than the last image I was using. Had the boy been older then maybe Nova would have remained at 14.

 

It's complicated, needlessly so, but at the same time it is simple. My tulpa is what we want him to be. He's still Nova and the body I visualize him in can change on a whim. The changes aren't as dramatic or as permanent as other tulpa but most importantly I can acknowledge them and understand why they occur. It's just a part of the fun of having a tulpa.

 

But, I've also decided that I can't truly connect his personality with the perceived age of his body. I don't try to give his personality an age. Some elements of his personality stem from the approximated age of his body but not all of them. He is carefree and always smiling but he has truly serious moments too. I know I can say I'll never meet a 13 year old anything like him but should I ever put him next to one they might appear pretty similar, at least compared to adults.

[CyberD]

Jack Frost

Oh, you've already got all sorts of ideas from the random title. What does Jack Frost have to do with tulpa? Well, it'll take a bit of explaining. Friday night is movie night if we're feeling up to it. We usually get two movies. The first will be a family friendly movie suitable for a nine year (who I mentioned two posts ago) and the second will be an adult movie... usually full of guns and violence because there doesn't seem to be much other choice in the popular new releases section.

I've learned two things from Friday night movie night. The first is that movies made with children in mind are usually concise and to the point. They explore interesting and often unique characters with amusing quirks and surprisingly details personalities and motives. The second thing I've learned is that many "popular" movies are poorly planned, executed and often have very generic plots and characters.

Conclusion? Family movies are surprisingly the best way to get a good movie and that big budget Hollywood would rather have guns and explosions than interesting stories.

 

But what does this have to do with my tulpa?

 

Well, Nova also gets in on movie night. Forcing while watching a movie isn't the most difficult thing and even if I do get distracted I can always discuss the movie with him later.

So, the kids movie was Rise of the Guardians. Jack Frost is the name of the main character. It's been a long time since I've watched a movie where I've related Nova to a character at all. I imagine Nova would be a lot like Jack if he had a body of his own and 24/7 presence. There was just something that clicked when I compared Nova to the character, something I don't see very often.

 

As far as his powers and appearance go Nova is the fire equivalent of Jack Frost. Just watching the movie has made him more playful. Seeing Jack play with the ice and do rather fancy things with it has rekindled Nova's interest in his fire powers, sparked the power of imagination once more. He's working on all sorts of tricks that he can try with fire. I do look forward to seeing what he comes up with.

 

That's something I really enjoy about the process, the power of imagination. It makes Nova more interesting than a normal person, it makes him unique and frees him from limitations.

[CyberD]

Voice

At least some of the very few people who read this already know what I'm talking about but entertain me anyway.

A few nights ago I woke during the middle of the night, it happens a lot, often several times each night. It's not intentional but it helps me to remember a lot of my dreams. If I wrote them all down I could probably write a novel. Anyway, during one of these short awakenings I was talking to Nova, not about anything in particular, probably just about how I should try to get back to sleep. Nothing out loud of course but then I said something to him and he laughed.

And I heard it. An audio hallucination. Being in a half awake state there really isn't much to say about what caused it, the brain does strange things near sleep. I told him that I heard it and he seemed as interested as I was. I later heard a car alarm and what I think was a lion roar (random half asleep stuff) before falling asleep again.

Now on it's own that isn't much to go on. I can exactly call on the feeling and continue audio imposition, but it did catch my interest. Over the last few weeks, months even, I've found myself paying more attention to hearing Nova.

I see his lips move more often, I heard his tone, the inflection in his voice. But all of that is just in my imagination. I'm not hearing any of it as hallucination, not like when I heard him laugh.

 

Over our 11 months I've often thought about what Nova should actually sound like. Because I have no good words to describe voice the only way I could convey what he sounds like would be to give examples of real people. But, despite getting him to try many voices none of them really seem to fit. Some might be closer than others but in the end I just hear him as who he is. He has a voice but it isn't like mine or any other living person yet and until I hear more audio hallucinations it'll probably remain a voice that I don't really consider a voice.... if that makes any sense. It's certainly beyond what some would call "mindvoice" he communicates with words, but it just isn't there yet.

 

So while going about my day I've been putting more effort into hearing his voice. There are exercises I can try but I think it will be a combination of focus and practice before we make any noticeable progress in the area.

 

At the very least it gives us something to discuss and Nova seems to enjoy making noise just for the sake of making noise.

[CyberD]

What is a tulpa exactly?

It's interesting to see what other people consider a tulpa to be. I have my own ideas regarding the issue but if I wrote them down they'd be far from elegant. It's clear that there are some people out there who have really thought about it, they've spent many hours pondering the tulpa phenomenon. Then there are others who probably don't think about much at all or simply don't care about the details.

Anyway. Yesterday I happened across a chat log featuring Pleeb (yes, that important forum guy who doesn't seem to actually post much on the forums)

In the chat he discusses what he believes a tulpa is, bringing the whole idea down to the most fundamental basics. That being a discussion of what the mind is, and what a tulpa is, within the brain. "The neural network".

 

While some might have other ideas I found myself agreeing with the idea before quickly examining my own experiences with it in mind. This process has quite heavily evolved for me since I started with Nova back in May 2012. My goals and intentions for Nova were much simpler when we began. He wasn't supposed to be sentient, he wasn't supposed to be anything more than a character.

 

But, I'm proud of how he has grown. He's changed so much while not changing at all. As my understanding of him and the process has changed I can better see his potential. That potential is an interesting thing indeed.

 

While I don't expect Noah will ever be as prominent as myself, I can see that his part of the neural network is ever-changing and growing, just like my own. A year ago I never would have thought that I'd be intentionally dividing my brain but now I wouldn't have it any other way. Strengthening his networks will happen over time, so all we can do is wait and see what happens.

 

Presence

Just a small observation I've made, one might even call it progress. I haven't been keeping track of hours or anything like that but I do feel that recently Noah has been around more than usual. He catches my attention more frequently and I've even started noticing him during engaging activities. The more attention I give him the better so it's nothing to complain about.

Another thing I noticed last night was how strong his presence was. More than ever before I felt as if he was really right beside me. For a while he wasn't just a ghost with no real physical presence but more like an actual person. It was interesting to say the least and I do hope it continues.

[CyberD]

Take a Step Back

For a moment I imagine myself as I was a year ago. Last April I had no idea what a tulpa was. The furthest my pursuit in understanding my mind had gone was trying to learn to lucid dream. Noah simply didn't exist.

 

Noah was just an interesting name on my short list of potential character names. Also on the male list was "Chase" after a boy I knew from school, Toby and Brandon. 'Could have been' scenarios are interesting, at this point I'm sure it feels to me like I named an actual child the day Noah was "born".

 

But then I have to take a step back. To some people saying something like that must sound completely crazy, especially if they don't know what a tulpa is or are just learning about the process. Naming what I consider another mind in my mind, it's crazy talk.

 

The tulpa process is a very delicate topic of discussion with even the most open minded people. Getting past the common ideas associated with anything of the sort, schizophrenia for example, is difficult and then there is a glaring question. Why? Why would you want to create a tulpa?

 

I don't think tulpa is a concept we should try to force upon others. I think this process yields much better results if someone investigates it on their own. The tulpa creepy pasta nonsense is a good example of a starting point. (I still have no interest in reading it btw) It presents someone with the idea of a tulpa but in a way where only the curious will investigate further. The person who learns about tulpa because their friend told them to doesn't seem to me like the kind of person who is going to persist for long unless they get instant results, which usually isn't the case.

 

I, and many others, have said plenty of times before. "Tulpa are complicated."

And that's what makes it fun. The process is a great way to learn about yourself from an interesting perspective. You learn about what a mind is by watching one form.

 

But on a lighter and once again "what if" tangent. I looked back on the story planning document I made when I was writing a lot of short stories and noticed something I completely forgot about. I had paired some of the names on the list with surnames. In particular one entry sticks out at me, that is Noah Schofield.

Curious indeed. I never really though much about giving Noah a surname. I remember there being a discussion on the forums quite some time ago about the subject of surnames. Some tulpa had them and there were several reasons why you would give them one. Be it the same surnames as the host or a completely original one.

That said I still hold my opinion from back then. I don't think Noah needs a last name. Names are a curious subject, especially when it comes to tulpa. But, Noah Schofield.

I dunno, like it did back when I was collecting names it strikes a chord. I'm just not sure what sort of chord it is.

 

But, moving on.

 

Performing

Yesterday I was asked an interesting question after mentioning to someone that Noah enjoyed pretending he could play the piano (and other instruments) as I listen to music. Has Noah ever played the piano for you?

First of all, I don't have a clue how to play the piano. Since Noah shares my experiences he too has no clue how to play the piano. But, with the power of imagination at his disposal there was no stopping him. If I can imagine the music and if I can imagine him playing then there is no reason he couldn't try.

And he played really well.

We've never done anything like that before. I'm not even that much into piano. But, I do remember a few songs. It was a great visualization exercise and it also has the benefit of assisting with my imagination of audio.

It's not often we really come up with things like this. Noah doesn't often get the opportunity to take charge, to perform. He really had fun with it an I really enjoyed watching him play. One particular emotion surfaced and that relates the the only trait I specifically gave him when I started with him. Endearing. Feeling that about him makes me enjoy this whole process. I hope we'll get more opportunities to have forcing sessions like that. It's a nice change of pace to actually have something to do during a dedicated session.

Something I've also noticed during this kind of interaction is how independent he seems. Because my mind is partially focused on something that isn't him, in this case the music, the gaps have to be filled in to complete the picture. Going back a post, his parts of the neural network really get working.

[Maverickthecat]

000000

[Tru_Blu]

 

Performing

Yesterday I was asked an interesting question after mentioning to someone that Noah enjoyed pretending he could play the piano (and other instruments) as I listen to music. Has Noah ever played the piano for you?

First of all, I don't have a clue how to play the piano. Since Noah shares my experiences he too has no clue how to play the piano. But, with the power of imagination at his disposal there was no stopping him. If I can imagine the music and if I can imagine him playing then there is no reason he couldn't try.

And he played really well.

We've never done anything like that before. I'm not even that much into piano. But, I do remember a few songs. It was a great visualization exercise and it also has the benefit of assisting with my imagination of audio.

It's not often we really come up with things like this. Noah doesn't often get the opportunity to take charge, to perform. He really had fun with it an I really enjoyed watching him play. One particular emotion surfaced and that relates the the only trait I specifically gave him when I started with him. Endearing. Feeling that about him makes me enjoy this whole process. I hope we'll get more opportunities to have forcing sessions like that. It's a nice change of pace to actually have something to do during a dedicated session.

Something I've also noticed during this kind of interaction is how independent he seems. Because my mind is partially focused on something that isn't him, in this case the music, the gaps have to be filled in to complete the picture. Going back a post, his parts of the neural network really get working.

 

Wow that's awesome. It seems like you've definitely succeeded in making Noah 'endearing'. He seems really eager to show off his skills a bit to you, and reading your post the only thing I could think was that you sound like a proud dad amazed with his child's abilities. I think you're stuck with him :D

[CyberD]

 

Hey have you ever heard of mlp fim? Why you ask? Because friendship is magic 

 

Thank you for reading. But no, I am not a brony, as that seems to be the barely disguised question.

 

 

Wow that's awesome. It seems like you've definitely succeeded in making Noah 'endearing'. He seems really eager to show off his skills a bit to you, and reading your post the only thing I could think was that you sound like a proud dad amazed with his child's abilities. I think you're stuck with him :D

Except I'm not actually a father. Though one day I hope to be. Having Noah alongside actual human children would be an incredibly interesting thing. The future holds a lot I know that much and with Noah along for the ride I look forward to it.

I also noticed the large post in your own thread, I'll have to head over there.