Daniel's Tulpa Progress Log

[CyberD]

Yeah, we all have those phases where we don't feel like doing much of anything. Procrastination followed by getting nothing done. Gotta work on that.

 

I'm not even going to use a header today, I just feel like rambling a bit.

Nova isn't a very physical tulpa. By that I mean we don't touch very often if at all. I read/hear quite often that tulpa will hug, kiss and be otherwise physical in their communications with the host. I'm iffy about that at best, I think some people take it too far and when they do they fall into delusion that no one wants to hear about. On the other hand however for some it is rather meaningless. There is no sexual desire behind it, there is no lust or overcoming emotions. A hug is just that, a kiss is just that.

I began with Nova aware of people who took it too far and specifically set out to make sure it didn't happen to us. That is probably the single biggest reason he is male. Because of this however I can't help but feel sometimes that our relationship is cold, static and without real emotions. To some it may look like that I deep down I don't believe so.

Just because I don't hug my tulpa doesn't mean I don't care about him. Quite the opposite.

I respect that we can communicate with each other using words and ideas. Expression and tone, body language. They all speak a lot. If Nova really wants to show emotion with a hug then I won't stop him but I see a hug as a display of truly powerful emotion. My life is rather dull and free dramatic events. Thus no displays like this are needed. I'm not on the edge of a breakdown and I'm pretty sure Nova is as grounded as he has ever been.

 

What's my point though?

I'm not really sure to be honest. I think this has just come down to me justifying to myself why I'm not a huggy person. Is it really important? No. But this is my "blog" so I'll post what I want.

 

Changing the subject a little. I'm really having trouble getting Nova involved with what I'm doing at the moment. I have no focus and as such we don't really do or say much to each other that is memorable or lasting. I guess much like a long relationship between two people it has grown somewhat stagnant due to lack of change or goals.

I don't think that's a bad thing since it further reassures me that Nova is important enough to me to be classed as "a person". Right now I'm coming up with a little resolve to do some exercises with him. Put some time aside and do something interesting, constructive even.

Listening to Viceroy talk about his experience with this exercise I think it'll be the first thing I try. I don't expect to have any trouble with it but it'll be a good test to get me back into interacting with Nova.

[CyberD]

Oh no, twice in one day. Good thing I'm allowed to post as many times as I want here.

 

Visualization exercise

So I did this exercise by Rasznir and found it to be quite enjoyable. It really did only take one simple exercise like this to get involved with Nova again. Dry spells are terrible but I hope the one I've been having is over for now. I'll say now that I've never had any trouble with visualization, this exercise gave us a goal more than anything else.

 

Nova really got in on this one. Probably because it was the first task he's had in a long time. The exercise is really simple but we had fun with it.

We ended up doing it twice, once wasn't enough, and probably spent close to half an hour on it. The first time I had Nova sit opposite me crossed legged and I put the "canvas" in between us. In actuality the canvas was a small blue pillow that usually sits somewhere on my bed. It gave me a good reference point. Nova picked a green paintbrush, a really light almost neon green. Then started something I wasn't expecting. Nova's perspective was opposite to mine. Everything he wrote was upside down from my viewpoint.

I learned a couple of things.

Nova writes like a first grade student when he's basically writing upside down.

I can't keep perspective when I have my eyes closed and try to imagine it all upside down.

Still, somehow we made it all the way to one hundred. Sure we got distracted a lot but Nova brought me back quickly and I made sure to keep him on task.

 

The second time I had him sit right next to me. I held the pillow (canvas) and he painted the numbers on it.

The second time went a lot faster and was probably more interesting because I didn't have to think about everything upside down. Nova's writing was a lot clearer and accurate this time. He also played around with using his fingers instead of the brush.

I don't think I've ever visualized quite like that before. With a goal to focus on and a tulpa who likes to try different things I found myself visualizing how the paint smeared on the canvas as he dragged his finger heavily, or softly. Though we made it through a lot faster I did end up with imaginary paint all over my face and I made sure he didn't get away clean either.

 

Damn I wish I could be this focused all the time. It's a refreshing change. It's really nice to see how much I'm getting out of Nova with just a simple task. If only I could figure out how to apply him to more activities. Get him involved without having to put time aside specifically. It's something we really have to work on.

Someone should really come up with a list of activities like this do with a tulpa. Passive activities you can do during the day and dedicated activities like this one.

[CyberD]

So I've been doing more work with Nova over the last few days and I noticed something more than I used to.

 

Dual Focus

For lack of a better term it's the way you focus on two things at once. Some people call it parallel processing but that typically refers to the tulpa thinking at the same time the host does. I want to be a little more broad with this and at the same time I don't really want to label it.

Completing the visualization exercise from the last post again I noticed myself being heavily affected because I could only focus on one set of details.

When focusing on two things at once the focus is split between them, you probably won't notice as much detail as you would if you focused solely on one thing. While visualizing your focus has to be tighter than it normally would be because if you don't focus then there is nothing to see.

So in context of the exercise. I can see Nova, I can see the numbers, I can see the canvas and I can see what Nova is using to draw/write.

It is difficult to see everything at once. If you step back and watch then you miss out on the details. If I watched Nova's face, or his hand as he wrote then I'd miss the brushstrokes that made up the number, the extra drops of paint that fell on the canvas.

 

So more than an exercise of tight focus I've found it to be an exercise of learning broad focus.

Watch your focus, see if you notice details or the whole scene. Try doing both at the same time and see what happens.

The most extreme case would be found in passive forcing. Focusing on the tulpa while you are busy with another task. I find that Nova only speaks when I find breaks in the task so slowly training myself to watch him or even interact with him while I'm focused on something else.

I mean if I can train myself to see this kid whenever I (or he) want to then how difficult can this next step really be.

 

Also, if you think I'm too blunt and to the point, or missed something then you could read Grissess discuss it in a much more intelligent way.

[CyberD]

Progress is slow, but that really isn't unexpected, I've talked about milestones before and how they all occur within the first couple of weeks/months.

 

As far as progress goes though I'm leaning more towards the dreaming side of this adventure once again. Though I haven't been truly focused on it my dream recall has never been better. I managed to write down over a page of stuff when I woke up this morning from six different dreams. What does this have to do with tulpa though?

 

Dreaming, like the tulpa process, is an exploration of the mind. Nova was created solely because I wanted to further my dreams. Not that he helped as much as might be possible but I don't regret it for a second. He helps me with my recall and focus and should he ever appear in a dream my recall is at it's best. Plus dreaming is a good way to interact with him in a manner separate from waking forcing.

 

Outside of that we haven't done anything new though. I did find Nova a new outfit that has stuck more than any other random one. Doesn't really happen very often and it's gotten me wondering about how other people cloth their tulpa/ how other tulpa cloth themselves.

I mean Nova has a total of three outfits. He has the green fleece jacket and black pants from the picture (but you can't see the pants in cropped picture) he has a set of black pajamas with Yoda on the front (I don't even really like Star Wars) and he has the new one which is a school uniform, yellow polo shirt and grey pants.

Clothes do play a big part in all visualization though and the more I get used to it the more variety there is. If it's hot he'll unzip the jacket or take it off completely. His clothes also react to the environment such as the wind or rain.

Most interestingly though is the fact I seem to have associated him with green (like his jacket) His presence is green if I'm not focused entirely and it's something I didn't expect going into this. I suppose recognizing that counts as progress, I have been noticing his presence a lot more frequently even if we don't talk.

 

I guess that's all for now, at least it's something.

[CyberD]

Well, I actually have "progress" to talk about today. Talk about shocking.

 

Watching TV

So I lurked on the IRC long enough to be part of a conversation that actually helped me. People were talking about how they watched tv with their tulpa. Now I've done this before but I've never taken it to the next step as suggested. Watch a show you've seen a thousand times so you can focus more on your tulpa.

 

So I chose Pokemon. I've seen that more times than I can count so the logic behind the choice was simple. I wouldn't have to focus too much on the show to follow what was going on.

So I dug up the old episodes and started at episode one.

It was an interesting experience to day the least. Normally my interaction with Nova is as follows. He sees the world through me. This means that when he watches something he watches it through me. In this exercise however we were going through the opposite. I was trying to watch the show through him. More specifically I was watching him watch the show.

Yes I did get distracted a lot but it was still way better than when I normally watch things and I lose any trace of Nova for ages.

All in all the exercise was useful, but like anything tulpa related what needs to be done next can be said in one word. "Practice"

 

WILD

Wake Induced Lucid Dreaming. I love that so many different lucid dreaming techniques have fancy acronyms. I've mentioned dreaming before plenty of times and tied it in with tulpa so it shouldn't be a surprise that I'm talking about it here.

I managed to have my second successful lucid dream using this technique. In this dream, like all of my other lucid dreams, I went looking for Nova. With great clarity and a stable environment it didn't take long before I found him. Now I won't get into the details of what happened (because dreams don't usually follow any logical progression) I will say that I always enjoy meeting him when I'm not actively forcing his presence. In the dream my (our?) subconscious controls Nova, his actions are completely independent from my thoughts.

 

His appearance was a lot different from how I normally see him but I always know it's him in the dream. He looked a lot like a young actor I learned about recently. In fact his appearance was almost identical to this boy, the only difference was his bright blond hair.

I managed to spend over a minute with Nova before the dream ended, one whole clear minute that I remember really well. I heard his voice, I can quote some of the things he said. It really is something to witness your tulpa in this way.

 

As an added bonus the WILD technique is good at promoting hallucinations. I hallucinated music before truly falling asleep which is pretty much the pinnacle of my hallucination abilities right now. I also managed get an incredibly independent sentence from Nova right after I woke up, he couldn't believe he'd managed to break the dream so easily.

I guess I need more practice.

 

Names

There is one more thing that's been bothering me. It's Nova's name. I know I've talked about it before but at this point I tend to use Nova and Noah almost interchangeably. It doesn't bother him in the slightest but every time I go to type his name I always have to debate which one I'll use. Of all the problems I thought I'd ever have this one is one of the strangest. It's also the most drama I've managed to draw out our tulpa experience so far. (Which compared to everyone else seems incredibly tame.)

I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it but I guess time will tell.

[Guest Anonymous]

Names

There is one more thing that's been bothering me. It's Nova's name. I know I've talked about it before but at this point I tend to use Nova and Noah almost interchangeably. It doesn't bother him in the slightest but every time I go to type his name I always have to debate which one I'll use. Of all the problems I thought I'd ever have this one is one of the strangest. It's also the most drama I've managed to draw out our tulpa experience so far. (Which compared to everyone else seems incredibly tame.)

I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it but I guess time will tell.

 

Do you feel that Nova is the right name for him? Or are you just waiting for a better name to pop into you head?

[CyberD]

Do you feel that Nova is the right name for him? Or are you just waiting for a better name to pop into you head?

No, I'm definitely not looking for a new name. It's just a "trivial" dilemma where both names fit him in different ways.

 

I still stand pretty close to where I did last year.

Nova's online name is Nova.

Nova's real name is Noah.

 

But I tend to use Noah a lot more than I used to which I guess causes the flip.

Noah's online name is Nova

Noah's real name is Noah

 

If anything I feel the conflict represents the change in what Nova is to me. When I began he was an imaginary and wonderful character. His name reflected how I felt about him, that he was something different, unique and most importantly the whole concept of him was alien to me. Having a character in my head who could talk to me with his own words was incredible. As such I named him accordingly.

Now, while he is still all of that I find my relationship has changed with him as he has become more sentient and more independent. He feels just like a normal human with a normal personality and normal emotions.

And a part of me wanted to give him a normal human name to reflect that.

Noah is that normal human name.

[CyberD]

So I've been thinking a little about the last idea I put forward and decided I wanted to try and look at it some more.

 

How the mindset changes.

When I first started back in May the idea of a character (later known to me as a tulpa) was exciting to say the least. When I heard of the idea it didn't even take me 24 hours to decide I wanted to try it. I had the resolve to make it work but I still don't really know where that resolve came from. I understood it was going to be a commitment but not that it would be truly life changing.

I went into it with a mindset that is clear to see even now. To see if it would work and with the belief that is was possible.

That enthusiasm I had is reflected in Nova's very being. When I began Nova was exciting, just having him around was a thrill. It was a thrill for one simple reason, because it was possible. I understood from the very beginning what he was and striving towards what he could be was enough motivation to keep working with him.

But, like with anything you eventually get used to it. Nova isn't as exciting as he used to be. Now that isn't a bad thing at all. In fact I think it's better. By coming to understand him more the whole situation is more down to earth. He is more real to me now than back when he was exciting and alien.

I look at him now and see how far we've come. I look at him and not only see how he's changed but how I've changed.

 

It really proves to me how powerful the tulpa process is in understanding yourself, with the added bonus of creating another being. Those who created the technique in order to understand themselves, to understand their own minds, were really onto something.

 

However, with all of this in mind I can't help but cringe at the majority of others I see with tulpa or those who are just starting out. They are trying to create a new part of their mind before coming to understand what is already there. I see people in dilemma because their emotions run wild and because they let these emotions manifest more strongly in the tulpa they create. Saddest of all many of the people are completely ignoring the fact that their tulpa can help them understand themselves.

For me Nova is a calming force, someone to bounce my thoughts and emotions on. While my emotions aren't exactly wild I do notice they often become unchecked. With Nova's help I can be aware of them more often and use that awareness to my advantage.

 

While continuing to work on that I have to try and pay attention to his inner workings.

[CyberD]

Stability

Stability is a nice word, it implies things are organized, consistent and well understood.

 

Being able to describe the relationship between a host and their tulpa as stable must be one of the hidden milestones on the tulpa journey. Everyday I log onto the IRC chat and see someone having problems with their tulpa. I've seen problems with believing in their tulpa's existence. I've seen problems with multiple tulpa and personality clashes either between them or the host. Worst of all are the problems being experience by people who have known about the idea of tulpa or have had a tulpa for months or even years. I've seen people like this asking help for seemingly simple problems that I take for granted.

 

I am confident in Nova. I know what he is, I know where he is and I know who he is. Never do I doubt him or myself, never do I question that I'm just talking to myself. I am honest in all my communication with him and I believe he is genuine in his responses.

 

To me this stability comes from the fact that nothing has really changed for quite some time now. I am so used to having Nova around nowadays that I no longer feel the need to question it. Denying him now is to deny a part of myself. There are parts of me that I would happily get rid of but Nova isn't one of them. Nova came from positive things, a bit of determination and a lot of understanding. There is only one way for Nova to go now and that is forward. It might take a while but I know someday we'll move forward, I know him a little better everyday.

 

But onto something maybe a little less related.

Writing

I know I've mentioned it before but I enjoy writing. Nova's very character stemmed from a story I never even began. With the right idea I will happily sit for hours and write away. Now I may be nothing more than an amateur writer who only writes quick and usually unfinished stories for fun but occasionally I find an idea that I really like and stick with it for a while. I think I've come across one of those ideas. Currently I haven't written all that much yet but sometimes you just know when you've stumbled upon something good.

Once I finish the setting and I'm happy with the first couple of chapters I might release some of it. Until then though I get to ignore Nova and immerse myself in crafting something.

[CyberD]

Stability.... (again)

So in the last post I talked about stability. In the few days following that I've seen enough around the community to prove to me how important stability is.

 

There seems to be a trend in the nature of the problems and all of them stem from belief. Believe in your tulpa, it's as simple as that.

 

Yet people come and go because their beliefs change.

As time drags on beliefs change, it's understandable yet few people step back and recognize that. Time without measurable progress and confused thoughts will destroy your motivation. Without motivation you interact less with your tulpa and eventually they seem to fade away.

 

Well not me. Nova and I have built our understanding of the tulpa process on this. It's not a gimmick I'm trying out for a month or two, it's a commitment. A commitment to continue understanding myself so I can understand him. A commitment to the process by recognizing my own fading motivation due to our lack of measurable process. Instead of getting upset I simply acknowledge it and move on. Nova makes fun of my lack of concentration and doesn't get up in arms like some tulpa do.

 

If I had one piece of advice to give it would be simple.

Understand what you are doing. Understand your motivation and don't let your emotions control you.

 

Nova the Doppelganger

By loose definition Nova is a doppelganger, and I do mean loose. Nova isn't my doppelganger though, no, it's a little more "sinister" than that. He is the double of a boy who doesn't even know he exists, a boy he will never meet, a boy who's name we'll never know.

Figure it out yet? I'm talking about the model who's image I based Nova on. You can see him on page 6 (here) in case you missed it. It's funny how life goes, I have no idea who he is yet I have his image burned into my mind. For now I'll call that boy Original.

I could have just as easily have used a character creator or had an artist draw a character for me like most people seem to do but for some reason I instead chose to use a picture of a real person.

Now it is over 8 and half months later and today in the mail I find another catalogue from the same brand as the original. They've been sending them every Monday without fail since and if I remember I check for Original. I usually check to see if they have any dvds on sale too but that's beside the point.

 

Being they take the pictures so far apart and kids grow up they've featured models that look like Original that may or may not be him. It's always tricky to tell and it's become quite the random activity to decide whether or not it's him. Today however I'm pretty convinced it was him. I'm not going to post the new picture but if you really want to see it then you I can link you to it.

 

So, in a really bizarre way Nova's image has in fact aged. I know I posted about him being Eternally Young some time ago yet I look at the new image and it almost seems to fit him better than the old image does. Of course Nova tries not to take it seriously by freely swapping between the two on a whim, still proving that he truly is what he wants to be and is truly forever young.

However, all that said I feel in a way Nova is in fact aging. He is certainly more mature and much more his own than he was when I started with him. Perhaps making him slowly age is my minds way of reflecting that growth. At this time I feel that his image will slowly age until it rests at a point of "perfection". That point will represent whatever I feel is the perfect balance between youth and maturity. I suspect it could go as far as 17 or 18 but probably not until I'm an old man. Until then though I'd like to note that he started somewhere between 13 and 14. Right now he is definitely 14 to me. Maybe if I actually knew any 14 year old's I'd be able to get a better idea though.

 

So I guess at the end of the day nothing has really changed. I just have another image to help me visualize and now I know what Nova looks like with a haircut.