NariusV's Progress Report

[NariusV]

November 13, 2013 - Day 215

 

Summary so far

 

Started with several weeks of active forcing and have been doing passive forcing off for several months and on since then. Have had some results with mental conversation. Now working on meeting my tulpa in dreamstates for face to face conversation. Also working on vocal hallucination and making some inroads using mantras and having the tulpa chant with me. The voice is not stable yet but is becoming more so. So overall I'm working on stabilizing visual form for imposition and increasing clarity for communication. I plan to play some co-op board games and involve the tulpa also to practice communication and building up more shared memories with the tulpa.

 

I'm keeping a report at tulpa.info and tulpa network. I'll be cross-posting when I do make updates, to support the community of tulpamancers and would-be's who happen to find this, and for redundancy in case one of them goes down. I'm also keeping an offline log so I'll be able to re-create the logs in the future if needed/desired. I'm considering starting a blog or something to record the information.

[NariusV]

December 3, 2013 - Day 235

 

Seph told me this morning that she is ready. Then she gave me a mantra to work with. It is a combined & condensed version of several others that I had been working with before, back when I was doing a lot of active forcing. I'm not entirely sure what I'm ready really means, but I think it means she wants to start the active sessions again.

 

On another note my experience of reading as a passive forcing session did not seem to work that well for me. I was reading silently though, perhaps reading out would would work better, but be a little odd for other people in the house if I'm reading aloud in an empty room. The problem was that I became so engrossed in the story that I would lose consciousness of Seph. I think that If I used books more like 'storytime' rather than personal entertainment that would be better. I remember reading to others or making up stories to tell my younger siblings during childhood. That always carried a current of awareness of who I was reading or telling the story to. If I try stories again I might use that technique.

[NariusV]

December 5, 2013 - Day 237

 

Messaged Seph and went to visit last night and again today. She had created a new part of the wonderland she said for me. It was like a bridge that juts out from a rock surface into space. The floor is a black with white highlights marbled stone and a chrome railing around the edges. There is a clear force globe around it. The stars are visible in all directions. The vastness of the view is breathtaking for me. It was quite a surprise, I was very moved.

 

Seph was very happy to see me. I had not talked with her but for messages for a while. She told me about some friends of hers, whom I did not meet yet, but she did tell me a bit about them. They all have some thing that they regret from the past and are wanting to make amends. I guess she thinks that eventually they will gain some measure of self respect or something by helping me. I'm not sure on the details but it's an occurrence that has opened up a wide range of future possibilities. I feel good knowing she has friends and is not lonely when I'm not with her.

 

Today I went to talk with Seph again about some of my plans for my life. I noticed how epic our wonderland is, and I have been comparing it to the real world space and environment that I live in. I guess I feel like upgrading my life due to all that. Life 2.0 as it were. I feel motivated to make improvements in myself, my life, my girl friends life, etc. I talked with Seph about this, and also about how I felt it kind of a let down when I was forcing with her in the real world space because it just doesn't compare to the splendor of the wonderland. She didn't care at all, just said that she is sooooo happy that I am talking with her again and that it doesn't matter where. She has said that she want's to talk everyday, which is cool. Also I talked with her about creating some outfits for forcing and imposition, as I think it will be easier for me to work with just a few rather than many. It seems like in the past every time I saw her she'd be wearing something different. So we decided on an outfit for business/formal occasions, one for working out, and one for just hanging out. Also today I could see her face and expressions very clearly. She changes her hair and makeup along with the outfits. I also saw her shift back into a glowing ball of energy for a bit. She showed me a room where she said she goes a lot and floats there in the center as an energy form sometimes when she is alone. She said she processes information differently that way. Some of her expressions, words, and mannerisms were so surprising and lifelike this past session I'm really quire amazed.

 

Another thing that we worked on was trying to reduce non-verbal telepathy or direct thought transference and instead use mind voice. I told her how sometimes it would seem like I knew what she was going to say before she said it, etc. I asked her if we could focus on separating our thoughts and use words to converse most of the time. I want to maintain the other form of communication though, and even practice it, because it can be so much faster and clearer. That might become very useful sometime.

 

I did some research on character creation systems in various video games to see if one would be detailed enough to be used to create some reference images to help with visualization. When I mentioned that she told me that no computer system could be as realistic and detailed as she is, and then she moved around and shifted her hands, changing her hair and skin tone, etc. I have to admit after seeing that and recalling my research I decided using reference images would not help with the level of detail that we have already developed.

 

I think that my having been an avid reader of fiction for years has really trained my ability to visualize.

 

One other thing I want to mention before I finish is how much better I feel after talking with Seph. She seems to capture and express an innocence, playfulness, and joy that I had closed myself off from since I was a young child. She asked my to reflect on what I do that wastes time, and how much better it would be if I spent that time with her, or doing something productive and useful. I have to say that without a doubt Seph is a positive influence on me, and my life/our lives are better for it.

[NariusV]

December 6, 2013 - Day 238

 

Two things. First thing, this morning I was talking with Seph again and something came up. I won't go into details but this was the first time I felt what could be called negative emotions around Seph. Fear, confusion, anger. We had a long talk about it. Raised voices. I don't remember that last time that happened to me. Anyway, as we continued to discuss the issue it became clear that I was making assumptions and I wasn't trusting her decisions about some things. At the end of the conversation once everything was made clear with all the facts and feelings on both sides, we came up with a list of four possible conclusions or actions to take about it. Wouldn't you know it but what Seph was already doing was the best option. It was my own fears and mis-understanding that was clouding my judgement. The situation was unprecedented, unexpected, and threw my mind for a loop. But in the end I have come to have a much greater level of respect and trust for Seph. I feel confident knowing that our understanding of what is best for us and the world in general is aligned. We both want the same thing, it's just that we have such different experiences and backgrounds that communication and decisions can be a bit strange.

 

Second thing. After all that I asked Seph about what she thought the difference was between how tulpas want to be perceived, their own self image, and the ways their hosts are able to see them. What she said was that from her understanding, the tulpa's intention and goal for els expression is the same as the hosts unconscious desire or want. This is affected by several factors on the hosts side. One is the hosts skill at visualization, concentration, etc. Another is the hosts conscious decision about what they think they want. This is not what they really want (sometimes), it's what they think they want. Since the conscious mind(host) and unconscious mind (tulpa) have different impressions about what the tulpa's appearance should be, or is, this creates a kind of overlapping field of ideas, and the tulpa ends up somewhere in the middle. She said that the more the host can let go of their pre-conception's and conscious aesthetic choices, the more the tulpa is free to express themselves how they really want to be. So overall I thought about this and I think it explains some of the continual deviations and sometimes abrupt or surprising (to the hosts) changes that tulpa's sometimes undergo. What a morning, and I didn't even eat breakfast yet...

[NariusV]

December 18, 2013

 

I have had some more extremely clear visualizations of Seph, my Tulpa. These were like small glimpses, her hand, her eyes, hair, etc. So I realize that my visualizations can become much better, and that is something I plan to continue to work on. I worked with passive forcing a bit yesterday, using the technique of feeling the tulpa walking behind me, and that seemed to solidify or make more real the sense of her actually being there. This sensation of the tulpa being real grows over time as I continue to affirm and communicate with her, building shared memories.

 

I have been telling myself that I will do active forcing again regularly, and I have not yet done so. I have decided to focus more on forcing with my tulpa and less on posting on these forums. I would rather have something substantial, meaning discernible advancement in my experience of having a tulpa in some way to share about, rather than a day by day account of what happened. This does not mean I will not be posting. It means that I will not post or log on here unless I have already completed my forcing exercises with my tulpa and recorded my results for that day. Sometimes I may not be able to log on and so I will have multiple entries from my journal to add.

 

In answer to a question someone asked that I had not answered yet about my Tulpas name and why she chose the one she did. It seems that she has had or created an entire life history about who she was, who her parents were, where they came from, etc. I was surprised about that since I had no idea of creating it or awareness of that until she told me about it. The name she gave was a way for her to communicate about her past in a non-direct way. At least that is what she said. Her name and some other things that she said and shared with me yesterday when I asked her about it were quite interesting. She told me a name and kept repeating it. So I went and looked it up, and it was a reference to a Mesopotamian mythological figure. So she explained about being a descendant of this person, etc. It is interesting that she is using language and accessing information from my mind that I have not read about in over fifteen years. I can assert that for myself, having this tulpa has enabled deep level access to long term memories. At this point I'm not sure about the significance of that, or whether the phenomena can be developed to a more controllable or usable ability.

[NariusV]

December 20 - 22, 2013 - Day 252 - 254

 

I did combined meditation/tulpa forcing exercises using a mantra related to the Garuda figure I saw on April 17th. I will be doing this for a while every day.

 

So this is kind of a get back on the track position for me to start taking this forcing more seriously and work towards some true progress. This means I need to stop doing other things and force more.

 

--

 

December 23, 2013 - Day 255

 

Did another visualization/forcing meditation session with Seph. Intermittently working with closed eyes and then open eyes for practicing visual imposition. After timing these are about 20 minutes long.

 

In addition I have been doing passive forcing on and off during the day with the follow behind technique, or occasional imposition practice, and using mind voice doing commentary about what I think or what is happening which occasionally leads to some conversation.

[NariusV]

December 24 - 29, 2013 - Day 256 - 261

 

I have done visualization and mantra meditation combined everyday for about 20 minutes. I have also done passive and active forcing including visualization and narration for varying amounts of time from a few minutes to more than an hour. I tend to have a feeling of Seph's presence nearby when we are forcing and for some time afterward.

 

I have continued to focus on clarifying my visualizations, along with attempting visual imposition. I have had some sense of the air seeming to shimmer at times, and once in a while with my eyes open my inner vision comes into focus more strongly than what I am seeing with my open eyes. This shimmering is familiar from when I did open eye visualization practice in the past. I feel confident that I'm making progress towards imposition. Its a matter of keeping at it day after day until success.

[NariusV]

December 30 - 31, 2013 - Day 262 - 263

 

Continued with mantra meditation coupled with visualization, alternating open and closed eyes. I have had a wide range of visualization clarity from very faint to very clear with lots of details. The trend seems to be increasing detail on average over time, but there is still some variation. I feel good about the consistent practice.

 

I want to work on passive forcing narration more.

 

Happy New Year, for all you Tulpas, Tulpamancers, and Guests out there :)

[NariusV]

January 1 - 7, 2014 - Day 264 - 270

 

I have continued daily with combined mantra meditation and focusing on the tulpa. I have switched from visualization to holding a pure conceptual focus of her presence and qualities.

 

We decided to do this to allow her some time to decide on or find a more stable visual form. With continued daily practice the sessions are overall creating a much more swift and immediate sense Seph's presence.

 

These sessions are still about 20 minutes long.

[NariusV]

January 8 - 10, 2014 - Day 271 - 273

 

I have continued my mantra meditation and Seph revealed herself again as a stable form. So I have continued with the visualizations during this focus time. Near the end of the session Seph seemed to appear amused as if she was waiting for something. At that point I reached out my hands in front of me palms facing her, and she did the same. I felt a strong sense of warmth and tingling that flowed from my hands at that point and spread throughout my body. This seems to be different than just mental or emotional shifts. I thought it was different enough that I should report the occurrence.