NariusV

NariusV's Progress Report

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Thanks NeonKnights! Seph is showing stronger and stronger positive emotions and usually makes me laugh by surprising me in some way everyday. I had another talk with her today about her form and stability. I think I really need to sit down in a separate session and really go into depth about it. I think I will write down my goals, and also ask her what she is getting our of deviating, what need it is fulfilling. If it's just my lack of visualization skill, that is something I am already working on.

 

I like Rasznirs exercise because it gives me a measurable result that I can gauge my progress with over time. When I reach my goal with that I will have proven to myself that I have better concentration and stable visualization skills. Then I'll be able to parlay that into better active forcing and imposition.


March 26, 2014 - Day 348

 

Rasznirs Exercise Results, Day 5/108

90, 18, 73, 79, 43

 

Again I did the exercises in wonderland looking at a blackboard with Seph drawing in chalk. I decided to sit in a chair instead of on the floor in meditation posture. This seemed to significantly increase my ability to relax and focus, except for the one sore muscle in my upper back that was a constant distraction. The first round I got caught up in my own mental voice repeating the numbers to myself in my mind, and I lost sight of Seph. The second round I felt I did well and was distracted by sensations in my body. The third round I was again distracted by my mental voice counting in a rote manner to myself as I was watching Seph draw the numbers and drifted off into a memory. The fourth round I was distracted by my body, a muscle ache in particular. The last round I decided to lay down since I wan't feeling any pain in that position and I did the best I have yet, with lots of Sephs help. She was constantly cheering me on, saying stay focused, see the numbers, breathe in, good, focus, you can do it, etc. Finally she started getting so excited that I was doing so well I got totally distracted by her exuberance and cheering and I lost focus on the numbers, lol.

 

I think I'm starting to see some patterns in what has been distracting me from completing the exercise. However I am not going to make any quick judgement's just yet. I will keep notes for at least a few more days before looking for any patterns.

 

About time spent ...

This session today was about two hours long. I estimate about thirty minutes of that was stretching and shifting around trying to get my muscles not sore so they would not distract me while forcing.

 

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March 27, 2014 - Day 349

 

Rasznirs Exercise Results, Day 6/108

100, 36, 48, 100, 19

 

First round went fine.

 

Second round we tried Seph being distant so instead of focusing on her hand and arm drawing the numbers I could see her standing next to the board without turning my view. However I got distracted by imagining doing other things with Seph, like narrating or just having her there and talking about what I was doing. I started thinking about playing a video game I tried a few years back, and remembered how I didn't do very well narrating while playing since I got so focused on the game.

 

At one point between round the first few rounds she asked my to play a song that is her new favorite.

After a while she started to ask me to get up and dance with her. I said no a few times but she insisted. I did finally, and I enjoyed it, although I felt self-conscious at first, thinking of someone watching me. I think to myself 'nutter mode', lol. But it was fun and Seph looked so vibrant and happy. Her appearance became extremely clear, totally transformed. My joy and exhilaration went off the charts. She pretended to sing the song to me.

 

Third round I got distracted again by thoughts of hanging out with Seph somewhere.

 

Fourth round after 80 count or so the visualizations got extremely vivid, like comparing a regular dream to a lucid dream, or jumping from video stream resolution 480p to 1080HD. During this session Seph also walked away from the board to a stereo type systems and played some different songs while she was drawing the numbers. She played

and also
by Amaranthe which she played really loud.

 

Fifth round I was starting to feel a muscle ache in my back again, so I laid down. The visualizations were clear but my mind wandered after a bit.

 

 

Again the session was over 2 hours.

 

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March 28, 2014 - Day 350

 

Rasznirs Exercise Results, Day 7/108

15, 22, 27, 32, 25

 

Still distracted by a tight muscle in my upper back.

 

Round 1. Distracted by sounds of other people doing things in the house, and then imagining what I was hearing instead of focusing on the exercise. I know when I was younger I would read books in the midst of commotion and not be distracted at all, so this is just a lack of concentration. A higher level of focus would solve this problem.

 

Round 2. Getting distracted by feeling uncomfortable. This is a basic obstacle that shows up in sitting practices that I have run into before. I will just have to work through it, confident that I will succeed. I have done it before it's I'm out of practice.

 

Round 3. Again feeling the discomfort in my body distracted me. I will have to change something to get past this though I'm not sure what.

 

Round 4. I will try sitting on the ground again to see if that helps in burmese posture. (it did not). I was doing ok, then felt a kind of odd sensation in my gut which made me wonder if I was sick, then I thought no, I just didn't eat recently. I'll go eat and do my next round later.

 

Round 5. Later in the evening after dinner. I go to sit in a different room so I won't be distracted and very soon after, I am distracted by someone walking in. I will need to increase my concentration skills again to a much higher level to succeed in this environment, or commit to doing them all earlier when I won't have as much chance of distraction.

 

The visualizations were good. I need to figure out a way to stretch out my back. I am pushing hard on my exercises in the morning, maybe I should take a couple days off and see if that makes a difference?

 

 

About an hour today for forcing

 

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March 29, 2014 - Day 351

 

Rasznirs Exercise Results, Day 8/108

51, 10, 82, 20, 2

 

Visualizations on average getting clearer and more detailed!

 

Round 1. Started thinking about my distraction yesterday, and how I want to succeed instead of focusing on the visualizations.

 

Round 2. Extremely clear visualizations, thoughts trailed off thinking about the tulpa.info guide sections of the forum, etc.

 

Round 3. Adjusted my posture several times, experimenting with very sight adjustments to my posture until I was sitting comfortably for some time. I was able to do this and maintain the visualizations at the same time. I was leaning on my arms to take the pressure off by back at different angles until I found a position that did not have the discomfort. I finally thought about some random thing, an image of some people sitting in a room on some round stools.

 

Round 4. Very clear visualizations, and I noticed myself saying the numbers in a mental voice rather than focusing on the numbers.. which I repeated 20, 21, 22, 19, 20, 21, etc.

 

Round 5. Wonderland trip to ask someone about how to concentrate and visualize better. Then I kind of laid down propped up on some pillows to start. Very clear visuals immediately but went off track.

 

 

I've been adjusting my sleep schedule and this may be contributing to my lack of focus.

 

Seph wants to hang out w/ me today for the rest of the day as far as I know while I do my other things. Passive forcing and narration time. Let's do this!

 

 

1 hour of forcing today (active)

 

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I updated my old posts with the days It has been since I started. I think this will give me a better perspective and help me stay motivated. On another note I found a few entries in my offline journal that I had not posted so I added those to August 14th, 2013's post, since they were between that one and the one before it.

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March 30, 2014 - Day 352

 

Rasznirs Exercise Results, Day 9/108

100, 65, 28, 27, 32

 

First Round, felt great. Visualizations got clearer as I went on. I thought I might have missed a number or two but Seph said she had not drawn them yet. Sometimes she doesn't immediately write down the next number, so I get extra concentration and visualization practice.

 

Second Round, listening to my internal counting voice distracted me from the numbers.

 

Third, and Forth rounds I got distracted by a sore muscle in my back.

 

Fifth round after I did some stretches I decided to try a session standing up. It went a lot better than the last two but then the discomfort came back.

 

I have cut back my exercise so I will see if that helps after a couple more days. Also I only did round one in the morning. The others I did after being out all day. I had no problems when I first got up. Maybe it's fatigue?


March 31, 2014 - Day 353

 

Rasznirs Exercise Results, Day 10/108

22, 15, 29, 29, 0

 

Rounds 1 & 2) Sitting in a chair. Simply lost focus on the visualization of the numbers and was hearing my mental voice repetition of the numbers. This recurs frequently so far in my experience.

 

Round 3) Trying sitting outside instead of inside, loose cross leg posture. I was distracted by random thoughts of Seph that did not relate to the exercise.

 

Round 4) Still outside, was distracted by thoughts of giving advice to someone about dream exercises.

 

Round 5) Back inside, laying down. The only thing I remember is seeing Seph draw the number zero... I drifted off into a daydream for some time.

 

Comments:

 

I notice I feel very drowsy this is probably affecting my scores. I think I need to set a time to sleep as well as wake up. I have not been giving myself as much sleep as I'm used to. This seems to be an issue that is affecting the quality of my forcing sessions.

 

Upon cross examining my wake up times and my scores, I DO find a loose correlation between higher scores and more sleep. So REST is a definite factor for success in forcing and concentration.


April 1, 2014 - Day 354

 

Rasznirs Exercise Results, Day 11/108

22, 12, 31, 23, 18

 

1) Sitting on a chair. Started first round with mantra to get into alpha. Got distracted by thoughts of walking through a park with Seph.

 

2) did 10 tiger squats to warm up before this round to boost physical awareness. Got distracted by some random thoughts.

 

3) Got distracted by remembering some of Seph's previous deviations and comparing them to her current appearance.

 

4) Tried this round sitting on the floor. Got distracted by thoughts of how good I was doing the exercise, and commenting mentally and comparing with memories of other sessions I did well in.

 

5) Back in chair. Distracted by memories.

 

Decided to sleep in today, so got an extra couple hours of sleep. Pain in back minimal to none.


April 2, 2014 - Day 355

 

Rasznirs Exercise Results, Day 12/108

51, 0, 12, 4, 100

 

Did the first four exercises sitting in a chair. (not leaning against the back just sitting upright, about halfway onto the chair)

 

1) Distracted by thoughts of how well I was doing and compared to the last few days. Visuals disappeared in place of rote mental voice counting.

 

2) Immediately skipped to two, without visualizing the number one...

 

3) Distracted by thoughts of my family and societies views on various topics.

 

4) Distracted by thoughts of ordering out for pizza.

 

5) I felt extremely frustrated by my lack of success (getting to 100) with the exercises recently. I talked with Seph about that. She changed her appearance, pulled out a katana, and slashed the paper easel in half with a couple swings. I got off my chair and sat on the floor and focused on dropping my self identity and concerns about trying to 'try hard' and just witnessed the focus exercise occurring without paying much attention to myself. I did some basic breathing exercises to clear my mind further. I used a couple kuji-in mudras, a modified shen followed by hua, to focus my mind before starting, while sitting in a loose Burmese siddhasana posture. When I started I switched to the classic chin meditation mudra. for the duration of the session I also held my tongue to the top of my mouth like when pronouncing the sound for the letter 'L', which is recommended for holding the mind steady. After a twenty something count Seph started drawing the numbers in Chinese dashes and dots style. At eighty she switched back to Arabic numerals. FINALLY!! I felt great having achieved this count again. My mind feels very clear afterwards.

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April 3, 2014 - Day 356

 

Rasznirs Exercise Results, Day 13/108

13, 17, 21, 66, 7

 

Today I started by moving around a bit and doing some light warm-ups and a bit of controlled breathing. I also blended up some fresh Orange Juice and drank it a bit before forcing today. I was sitting on the floor (on a pillow) in loose Burmese siddhasana.

 

1) Distracted by memories of a drawing I saw.

 

2) Distracted by thoughts of how my body feel better with no pain and considerations of to start working out again in a more balanced manner.

 

3) Seph was drawing Chinese numbers again for this round. I was distracted by thoughts of helping people.

 

4) I focused on Seph moving around instead of staying with the numbers on the board.

 

5) Simply lost sight of the numbers and got lost in rote mental voice counting.

 

Overall the sessions were good today other than the distractions. I kept getting more and more focused. After the 4th session I took a break to help someone create a pdf document, and then came back to forcing. I feel good about the daily reporting. I think it is helping me stay focused and accountable.

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April 4, 2014 - Day 357

 

Rasznirs Exercise Results, Day 14/108

17, 8, 19, 32, 3

 

I did all the exercises sitting down in my normal meditation pose.

 

1) Lost mental image of the number 18 for about 1 second.

 

2) Got distracted by thoughts of others opinions of meta as relating to tulpas.

 

3) Distracted by a message playing on the answering machine.

 

4) Distracted by thoughts of what statues would look like in the real world if they depicted a similar story as some images Seph made for me in a wonderland place she made for me.

 

5) Adjusted myself to sit on a lower pillow. Thought about trying a different concentration technique that might be more successful and lost track of the number four, reverting back to three.

 

Not satisfied with the results, but I am very happy with my commitment to regular practice. The rest will come eventually.

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April 5, 2014 - Day 358

 

Rasznirs Exercise Results, Day 15/108

8, 11, 11, 2, 14

 

Started with relaxing, breathing, and some mantra repetition. Sitting in my regular meditation pose. Drank some fresh juiced oranges prior to starting.

 

1) Distracted by thoughts of setting up my computer for a recording session.

 

2) Lost sight of Seph on the number 12.

 

3) Same thing happened again.

 

4) Lost sight of the number 3.

 

5) Did not see Seph draw the number 14.

 

Very low scores overall today. My challenge mostly was losing sight of some of the visualizations rather than outside thoughts.

 

I've decided to add another step to my exercise forcing sessions, like a wrap up of what worked I will ask myself one question and answer it.

 

Q: What was it about my best session(s) today that worked for me that was different from the other sessions?

 

A: Today my highest scoring session (in addition to being the last one, so I was warmed up so to speak) was that I started with an intention to just witness and observe, rather than trying to see with effort.

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April 6, 2014 - Day 359

 

Sitting on a chair today, spread out sessions throughout the later part of the day.

 

Rasznirs Exercise Results, Day 16/108

12, 5, 34, 13, 6

 

1) Lost sight of numbers and fell into distraction about other things.

 

2) Thoughts about other commitments and agreements distracted me.

 

3 & 4) Distracted by thoughts of a project I'm working on.

 

5) Lost sight of Seph and the number 7.

 

What worked for me today that was different about my highest scoring session was a clear focus on multi-sensory immersion, hearing the marker draw the numbers as well as seeing it.

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