Sands and Roswell magic woooooah

[Sands]

Today I took my cat and all three of us went to visit my old home. It was a nice day so I figured the cat would probably enjoy being outdoors somewhere without too much noise and plenty of grass and shit. You must be wondering why I'm telling you this, but it was a great place for narrating, you see. Explaining what my life was before I moved on my own. Couldn't speak aloud because people were outside, but I know he was listening. I remember telling him that he could talk to me too if he wanted to, and almost immediately I heard a sound like my name was called. Shat bricks there, but then realized it was a neighbor calling for his dog. The dog and I kind of have a similar sounding name, if you don't hear it too well, haha.

 

Had one and a half hours of personality sessions again today, as usual. Got them done pretty early today. Still plenty of headaches on both sides, muscle twitches, all that jazz. Nothing new, but I think it still feels like it's effective. I think asking him to just give all his feelings to me as we do sessions made the pain harder, again I could get this slight sick feeling from the headaches, but nothing too severe. I could keep going on, after all. I'm not sure if I was about to doze off or if I was just about to pass out or what at one point, though. Felt very lightheaded. Still feeling a bit woozy and got some headaches as I just had the latest session. Feeling good, though.

 

We read a comic book together today. We read a children's book yesterday too, but the comic book for some reason was much harder. I never thought reading a comic book story could be so tiring, but it was. Was very tired after that.

[Sands]

1 hour and 30 minutes of personality forcing again today. They were a while ago, so I can't remember much in the way of feelings but I guess nothing too new happened. Still plenty of headaches. I did just have some visualization attempts, I feel like I might try to give him a body now, would make personality sessions a bit more interesting if I had an image in my mind, I think? Visualization is hard though, I noticed. Can't really jump in like I usually do, gotta really relax and empty your mind of everything. I think I have a good image of him in my head, it's just hard to sort of make him something I can see from every angle. I am going to need to practice, no idea if I'll have as many personality sessions tomorrow or if I'm going to keep visualizing. Should try to doodle a turnaround of him, that should help. Trying to visualize him did get me headaches though and I think I got some other kind of feeling too. Maybe he wasn't quite sure what was up and I tried to explain him what I was doing. Didn't feel the feeling as much after that.

[Sands]

One hour of visualization done, though in thirty minute chunks and pretty far apart. Been visualizing him throughout the day, though. Sometimes it seems to be easier to visualize him with my eyes open, sometimes it's easier with eyes closed. Doodling that turnaround sure helped to get him down. His face is surprisingly easy to see and it seems like the whole head comes with it when I think about it, though everything around his face isn't quite as clear, I feel. Lots of headaches here too even though I wasn't talking to him too much, I guess he knows it is his body? That's good, would be weird if you somehow managed to make a separate body and mind.

[Sands]

Another hour of visualization. I'm starting to get the hang of how to do it and how he looks. Everything is much clearer now. In the beginning concentrating on some part made it so other parts weren't very clear or might've been missing until I started thinking about them too, but now I can think of his whole face and see everything, more or less. We'll see how long that will stick, I just had my session so his image is still fresh in my mind. His body proportions are staying the same, which is nice. I have heard that some have had problems with them, but right now they are acting nice. I never thought I would be feeling the same kind of feelings imagining how he looks as when I have personality sessions or narrate to him, I can feel his presence even when doing this and it's great. Visualization is rather painful on the eyes, I've noticed. It's good that I can switch from closed eyes to open, switching modes seems to help with the eye pain. These sessions have also left me very tired and lightheaded, but it feels like it's working.

 

Visualization is pretty easy now, I think. I would like to try it at work tomorrow and leave the personality for home. I haven't done any personality forcing today and probably won't as it's getting late, but I don't think I should stop doing it quite yet. Perhaps I will try to visualize him as I'm talking to him tomorrow, see how that goes. Might still be a bit too early for that, like if I have to stop constantly so that I can focus on his looks.

 

15 and half hours of personality, 2 hours of visualization, 17 and half hours in total. Guess I'll keep them separate for now, will be nice to look at them later on to see how long everything took.

[Sands]

Holy shit.

 

I'm not even sure if what just happened happened, but I guess I'll tell you about it and let you decide. So I had my personality session like usual - I'll tell you more about them a bit later when I have had all the sessions for today - and I was feeling rather tired. I hadn't slept very well last night and I have been tired all day, was hard to not to fall asleep during the session, but managed to get through. So I felt like I should take a short nap and then continue with today's sessions after I'm well rested.

 

So uh, I tried to go to sleep. Was all nice and relaxed, not sure if I fell asleep yet which is why I'm not quite sure if I actually experienced anything or if it was a dream.

 

I heard a voice. Very different from my own mind voice, I'm not even sure if it completely came from my head but it was very close to my ear if not. Very masculine, deep, relaxing, calm. It was like speech but I couldn't understand it. At the moment it happened I didn't really take notice and was more like guess I'm falling asleep before I came to the realization that wait. I heard someone talk to me. Heart rate fucking skyrocketed there once I actually realized what happened. Not sure if it was some totally alien feeling, but it was a very different voice and it was not a voice I knew. And I certainly wasn't thinking about it.

 

But you know, you could hear weird stuff when you're tired, right? I guess that's what people are talking about, auditory hallucinations when you haven't slept enough. Yet some people here do it on purpose because they feel like they can hear their tulpa better that way? Or maybe it was a dream? I have no idea what to think, but I am very excited and actually feeling sort of nervous right now.

[Sands]

Right, so those reports! 1 and half hours of personality forcing in thirty minute chunks, as usual. Had one before my attempted nap, two after it, trying to visualize his face mostly while talking about the personality and traits. Let's just say that the sessions after the voice certainly felt more special to me, he feels just so much more alive. It might not have been him, but it doesn't really ruin the feeling. It might've been, after all, and you gotta keep your mind open unless you wanna hurt his feelings or some shit. Really was the first time I heard any weird voices like that, so it gave me a taste of what to expect.

 

Visualizing while forcing is kinda hard, I lose focus now and then and have to think about how he looks again and sometimes it can be pretty hard, but I think it helps. Couldn't have done this right from the beginning and as my sessions were starting to feel same-y, this was a good time to introduce visualization. Talking to him is easier and I get headaches faster. And headaches mean progress, I guess! Certainly feels like he's getting what I'm saying easier now. Hard to say if it's me making him smile, but he's still a bit too blurry to do any kind of tests so I just won't think about it too much yet. Trying to have his face look pretty neutral right now, but me being happy while talking to him might make me give him a smiling face too. Who knows.

 

Did an hour of visualization too, though in pretty tiny chunks and most of it was done when I was really tired, so I couldn't concentrate too well. Still, seems like he looks about the same as how I left him yesterday, so at least I didn't forget how he looks. Getting him down slowly and he's pretty hard to see and concentrate on at times, hard to see many things clearly at once too, but we're getting there.

[Sands]

Again some personality forcing for 1 and half hours 30 minutes at a time, like usual. I had them pretty close together this time though, got some shit I have to do later on so I had to get them all done fast. The first session was pretty awful in my mind, some headaches yeah, but it was hard to concentrate. Trying to visualize his face was very hard and I feel like it only made everything worse this time around. The next two were much better though, didn't try to think about his face all the time as it didn't work so well last session, just now and then. Was feeling much more intense headaches then, so I guess it worked and helped me focus. Have to work on visualization more, if I wanna see him clearly. I might switch to having less personality sessions per day at some point and focus on visualization and narration. Maybe just half an hour a day where I go through all the traits quickly?

 

I did 30 minutes of visualization today at work. Still blurry, but sometimes I see things very clearly. I gotta work on this. Wanted to have another session today, but probably won't have time. Pity, but once I start doing shorter personality forcing sessions, I'll be able to concentrate on catching up with visualization.

 

Sometimes when I sing with him, it's hard to say if I get shivers from the song itself or from us singing together. I did have this weird feeling when he was singing his part, where I felt so happy I could've cried. Again, hard to say if it was from him or if it was the song or if it was me being happy because I had someone to sing with. I can't say when it comes to things like that.

 

Haven't been doing awful lot of narration these days. Work's been sapping my energy and I'm pretty tired, so I've mostly just been saying a few things here or there. I want to talk to him more and luckily tomorrow is my last day at work. I'll be free and be able to talk with him more.

[Sands]

1 and half hours of personality forcing again, three seperate sessions. Today, I couldn't really feel it much, if at all. Second session was probably the one where I got the most headaches, but not much. The other two had almost no feeling. Well, I think I could feel him, I could feel myself talking to him, but no headache. That is strange, always had lots of headaches during and after the sessions. I did tell him before we had these sessions that I'm planning on doing more visualization from now on and less personality sessions, as I feel like we both know how he is like. He probably knows better than me, so it's a bit silly for me to keep telling him. At one point I asked him if what I said disappointed him and if he wanted me to keep continuing with the longer personality sessions - which gave me a stabbing pain in my head - or if he liked the idea of more visualization. Perhaps he was trying to tell me something. To me, the pain somehow felt like a no even though you could think that it was a yes. A reaction usually feels like a yes, doesn't it? Maybe it was a yes, I wouldn't know. I'll only have a short personality session tomorrow and focus on visualization. We'll see how he thinks about that.

 

Narration during the personality sessions got a lot more reaction from him than the actual forcing, I feel. Which might be why I'm leaning on him wanting to do something other than personality. I think we should read a book together.

 

I also did an hour of visualization, with my eyes closed the whole time. Went by pretty fast. At first it was hard to focus and get him right, but yet at the same time his face felt very clear on my mind. It was just hard to keep it clear. It got easier though and I even did some touching. I didn't get much reaction, just when I told him that I'm about to touch him and it might be weird but he shouldn't worry about it. I didn't do a very throughout job or trying to feel everything as perfectly as I could, but I feel like I understand his body better. He hasn't changed anything yet and otherwise his anatomy seems to be behaving and not doing anything weird. I find it easier to recall how he looks now, but it will probably still be hard to focus on talking and seeing him. I'll be doing more visualization from now on and try to get him down as well as I can.

 

I've always thought that he's sentient right from the start, but I am starting to suspect that he is starting to be sentient on the standards of most of the other people making tulpas here. It certainly seems like he understands and is able to respond in some ways, but it is hard to say yet. I can't see him well enough to hang out with him in that way and see if he does something on his own.

 

About 20 hours of personality, if I've been counting right. What a nice place to stop with the long sessions and focus on other things. 4 and half hours of visualization. Unemployed now, so I'm hoping to get a lot done.

[Guest]

Hey Sands, I like your progress reports. What's your tulpa gonna be exactly? I know he's a he, so that's not a pony right? Or are there male ponies..

Sorry if you've already described him here. It's 4 pages to reread. Hehe.

[Sands]

Haha, no worries, I haven't ever described how he looks anywhere but my mind. Nor have I ever said his name. Name and looks could change at any point, which is why I have probably been waiting for them to be final before gushing about them to everyone. But hey, can't hurt to tell if someone asks. And well yeah there are male ponies, pony doesn't imply they are female, but my tulpa's not a pony, haha.

 

He's mostly human, I suppose. Tall, wide shoulders, masculine, pretty muscular and dark, short hair that's combed back. He's probably middle aged. Looks kinda like someone who probably was quite the looker in his younger years and while he certainly has aged well, it shows. Muscles have deteriorated and skin isn't as elastic and there's visible wrinkles, hair has thinned and gotten a bit grayer, hairline has receeded. Something like that. But still rather pleasing to the eyes, I find. I say mostly human as at some point while visualizing I thought that some stereotypical demon features would look neat on him, so he has horns, a bit pointier ears as well as yellow eyes. Rather piercing and cunning, yet kind. I guess I won't go into details yet though, haha. We would be here all day. Gotta be sure to draw him once I can see him well and he's able to pose for me.