Sands and Roswell magic woooooah

[Sands]

Again 1 and half hours of forcing today. Visualization and narration. What happened last night was pretty exciting and I certainly want to hear him talk. I think I pushed my expectations a bit too far though or rushed him too much for his liking: he got pretty upset at one point and I had to reassure him. Gotta take things slow, it's probably hard for him and I don't want to force him to move too fast. All's well now though, and we just did some trash can container question things and drank some hot chocolate and stuff.

 

I guess I can write something else that makes me seem like a horrible tulpa torturer person. Can't remember which day it was, maybe yesterday, but as I was massaging his back I think I did it a bit too hard at once point and I too felt a jolt of pain, haha.

 

24 hours of visualization/narration/whatever, 44 in total.

[Sands]

Guess how many sessions today? 3. Guess how long one took? 30 minutes. He likes to use the trash can thing a lot. Guess I can't blame him, I bet he has a lot of questions and it's the only way he can ask at the moment. In a way I understand, at least. And I suppose he wants me to speak to him more. He's pretty patient when I want to check his face instead or something and he listens if I tell him about other things. I did make a flashlight today and flash it on his face when he signaled it was okay and checked out the cool shadows for a while. In one other session I asked if I could check the rest of his body with it too but he shook his head and wanted to ask questions instead with the help of the magical trash can.

 

Guess I did enough not-narration today for his liking, haha.

[Sands]

He certainly can make sounds, when it's quiet enough here for me to listen. They are very, very quiet. I haven't gotten the weird beeps and boops anymore, it seems like the voice jumps into the more speech-like part immediately. It still doesn't sound much like words. At first when I heard the sounds, I thought it somehow was my breathing that sounded very wheezy for some reason, but I was able to hear it even when not breathing. I was also able to ask him to do it and he would.

 

It's more like singing so high you have to switch from the more throaty and stronger voice to your mouth voice? Does that even make any fucking sense. I suppose in that way it sounds more like me but not like my speech voice. The sounds don't really have the normal kind of speech pattern but they are more like continous notes that do have some vibrato to them, but not much and one note can be pretty long. Or short. There was one sound that was more like speech, but everything is quiet and I'm unsure if there are words. I can't hear them, but I feel like we're getting there.

 

 

Right how about this sort of important question I've been wondering myself that has nothing to do with vocal tuppers: when you are in your "wonderland" or void or whatever hanging around with your tulpa/s, do you ever feel like... Well, that you do things you're not doing? Like you are standing there normally but then you feel like another you who is you but you can also feel you're not moving is like brushing its hand against you tulpa, feeling the tulpa and you can also sort of see your own hand doing that expect you also have another hand that's not doing that...? It's very confusing and I have no idea how to even type it out.

[Black Bane]

 

 

It's more like singing so high you have to switch from the more throaty and stronger voice to your mouth voice? Does that even make any fucking sense.[/b]

 

No.

[Sands]

Mh, when you sing, it's more comfortable to sing from... your chest. You get a stronger voice. But there's only so high you can do that, so you have to switch to your mouth and nose. You can go higher, but it's not as strong and it's easier to run out of breath.

 

I don't even think I can explain something like this unless you know already, haha.

[Sands]

Right, did my usual 1 hour and 30 minutes for a day. Nothing too special happened, I did manage to use the flashlight a bit more on him but didn't want to do it for too long as he likes to ask questions more. I have noticed that his face hasn't changed at all for a long time. Guess we finally found something we can settle on? Plenty of questions and exploring his face mostly. It's amazing when you can even see the texture, the pores and the wrinkles on the skin...

 

The headache can get pretty painful during the sessions, but I've noticed I don't really feel it when I'm concentrating so hard on everything else. I can still feel it and feel that it should hurt more, but it's not. Weird, but at least the sessions themselves aren't painful that way.

[Sands]

I've been talking about the way he speaks, but I haven't really talked about how it sounds too much. Kinda has this weird tone like one is blowing on bottles. High pitched ones. I guess tulpas are vocal pretty early, but you actually hearing them and them being able to form words takes much longer? It seems like he's not very close to the whole speaking thing but he can make very quiet sounds that I'm sure would be easy to overlook unless you listened very closely.

 

I did 1 and half hours again today. I feel like there was pretty much about the same amount of pure visualization and narration. One session was almost full of narration in the form of magical trash can questions while one session was pretty much just exploring his naked body as it's been pretty long since I did that for longer than a few minutes. His questions can be pretty weird sometimes as I don't think he has seen the things he asks about, but I guess they're in my head somewhere and that means he can access them in some way. But they can be pretty easily forgettable things that I probably haven't really thought about ever unless I saw them for a few seconds somewhere. It can be hard when I can't really explain much about the things he asks, but sometimes he finds something that takes me ages to explain and even then there's plenty of more I haven't said.

 

I was holding his hand at one point. It was warm and made my skin tingly. Also got weird loud tinnitus in one ear during one of the sessions, I tried to listen to it but I had my balcony door open and wind and birds were pretty loud so I didn't hear anything else...

[Sands]

Again 3 thirty minute sessions for this day. Lots of visualization, narration and hanging out. At one point he asked about those weird fuzzy worm toy things on a string which I always wanted as a kid but my family was too poor to get me one, haha. He made me one, which was pretty sweet. For a while I thought the sudden floating toy was my doing but I didn't even think about making one and when asking him about it, he nodded that it was his doing. Also there was one session when he didn't want to ask questions but instead wanted to go outside to hang around, so we did. That was a bit strange as he has always been pretty excited about asking questions and rather does that than many other things I suggest. Oh right, that Rubik's cube I made seems to be solved. I never saw him finish it, so I wonder if he did it and didn't just somehow think it into being finished. Lots of headaches in the last session of the bunch, very strong ones.

 

Last night I also went to sleep in the black void. I had talked about perhaps sleeping there some night much earlier and he seemed to like the idea and now I finally did after explaining weird shit might happen. I don't think I actually slept that much, I remember some parts of the night where I was awake and trying to sleep. I could feel his presence even then, when not really thinking about it and being tired. I guess them sleeping next to you would be a thing to try when imposing? In the morning my head and eyes were hurting as I probably hadn't slept, but it was mostly my eyes that hurt. My head hurt yeah, but it usually doesn't just hurt in one spot when I haven't slept, whole head hurts. It also went away pretty fast and I could get some sleep after that.

 

Someone said that they were able to lucid dream easily when going to sleep in a wonderland, I think? Well, it certainly happened to me, I realized that it was a dream at one point and didn't wake up, even though I normally do really fast. Didn't even do any tricks you would normally do to stay in the dream. I didn't try to do anything special in the dream though, just let it take its course as it was interesting enough.

 

I've had hard time remembering dreams lately, so that dream was special in that case too as I actually remember dreaming.

[Sands]

I wasn't really planning on spending last night in the wonderland-void, but I did anyways. Again couldn't sleep much and I didn't go lucid, but I did have a really realistic dream. It felt very real, real enough that when I woke up I was already thinking about how I'm going to tell everyone about the hilarious shit that happened... Before I went wait, it didn't happen, did it? It's odd how I'm not sleeping much but I don't feel very tired at all. But this night I gotta try to sleep normally, seriously.

 

Had my 1 and half hours of visualization and narration sessions again, despite me being a lazy fuck and playing vidya almost all day. Went over his body again and we did some questions and stuff. Can't remember if anything very interesting happened, I really should stop writing these reports too late. I should try to listen to him more too, haven't had the chance lately and it would be nice to see if he's made progress.

[Sands]

Yeah he's definitely making sounds that sound more like actual speech now, but it's even quieter than the earlier weird sounds. Interesting, but can't hear him well enough to hear if he can form words I can understand.

 

Well I've been doing visualization and narration for at least the usual 1 and half hours again. Also had some imposition work done today, just told him to chill where I wanted to feel him so that I wouldn't have to concentrate on seeing him just yet. I did see some little things in the corners of my eyes though, but I tried to avoid direct looking for now. I wanted to save imposition for when he's vocal and probably will, but today it was such a nice day I wanted him to be able to enjoy it with me. And I guess I usually go to his place and maybe it was his turn to come to my place, I dunno, it felt like a good idea at the moment. Did some sunbathing with him next to me and then we went to a bike ride. It certainly is pretty easy to feel his presence, but it was an odd feeling to suddenly feel arms wrapping around me from behind. I guess sitting on a bike's rear rack is a pretty bumpy ride. I did tell him that he should probably stay mostly in the void when we got back but sometimes I can feel him walking behind me here too.

 

Gotta work on his smell, but I feel like I have to buy something expensive I will never use for anything else but reference and that makes the poor me unhappy...