I used to wonder what tulpas could be......(Raid's progress report)

[Quadraginta]

Day 52, 11/6/2013

 

I think I'll break the usual tradition of reading to Raid to focus on form tonight. I just found The Gypsy Bard, and for some reason, it gives me more motivation to force Raid. I can't wait for her to be vocal. It's this impatient patience I have for her, which is rather infuriating on my end, but I know she'll understand. I hope.

 

On an unrelated note, I once had a dream where I heard a voice speaking to me in my head. The voice I identified as my tulpa, and I thought I was awake and had a tulpa. The tulpa's voice was male, though, and I was confused, because Raid is female. And then I woke up. True story.

 

This is a rather strange turn of events, but unless I get more signs of something else being amiss, I think I'll just ignore it.

 

I also had another dream where this girl I once liked (and still kind of do, acually) was standing in front of me, so I kissed her on the forehead, and then she kissed me back, on the cheek. I was ecstatic, and then I woke up and got depressed. Mayhaps this couldst be a sign of Raid's sentience? Fucking with me in my own dreamland?

 

Nah, probably not. Then again, I have broken promises to Raid before (something I regret doing, and something that's also prompted me to stop making promises to her and anybody else I know, because I can't keep promises) and this is probably her way of getting back at me. Or not. Who knows. I'll never know unless she tells me, and she's certainly no capable of doing that now, is she? Nope.

 

Still, I eagerly await Raid's first words. It's been over a month now, but I don't blame her. After all, our sessions have shortened cosiderably to 20-30 minutes per session. I was prepared to have vocality and sentience take a while.

[Quadraginta]

Day 53, 11/7/2013

 

Well, I've put it off for too long, but I shall put off no longer. Time to force. Form, of course. Just 20 minutes, though. Just 20. Or 25. Ish.

[Quadraginta]

Day 56, 11/10/2013

 

sdfgasdjifasdfj form fasdjfg osdagfisda

[Quadraginta]

Day 57, 11/11/2013

 

I experience periodic, short bursts of very weak, but very sharp pain in the back of my head, and I do attribute them to Raid, but they are few and far between. I'm sure they'll grow more defined with time, though.

 

As for Raid's form, she has changed from a cutie mark-less Fluttershy to having her own defined look. Her pink mane falls over the left side of her face and covers the left half of her left eye. Her iris is now blue, and her left ear 'pokes out' from her mane. Her mane also falls slightly down the left side of her neck.

 

Her tail is 'segmented.' And by that, I mean, six individual mini-ponytails wrapped up in their own black bands all band together to form one bigger tail. The tips of her tail is arranged in a hexagon formation, as in, if you connected the dots of all six tips of her mini-ponytails, you'd make a hexagon.

 

Raid still has Fluttershy's colour scheme, though. Pink mane, yellow coat, pink tail, etc., though she still remains cutie mark-less.

 

Tonight's session will be.......guess what?

 

Seriously, take a wild guess as to what it might be.

 

Yeah. Form.

[Quadraginta]

Day 58, 11/12/13

 

Perhaps I shouldn't just litter this entire blog with just "form tonight" for many nights on end. How about this? I'll report back to whoever still has the patience to read this when something new happens. Not just a small headache, but something more defined.

 

See ya'll in a couple weeks.

 

Yeah, tonight is form, by the way.

[Quadraginta]

Day 60, 11/14/2013

 

It's officially been about two months since we first started, and I think we do have some signs of sentience.

 

Ok, first things first......light headedness. Not just a faint, "Oh, I'm kind of dizzy."

 

No, this shit I felt today was fucking real. I was just cruising along facebook, when all of a sudden, I felt so lightheaded, and my perception of reality, but not my eyesight itself, was so freaking out-of-touch and distorted, my head itself started to move back and forth.

 

If this isn't Raid doing shit to me, then I don't know what is, but this is exciting! Kind of scary, but exciting, too.

 

But at the same time, I don't want to pinpoint this strange occurence 100% to being Raid's doing. But then again, I don't want to doubt her, either.

 

I'm so unsure, but still.

 

Wow, only two days since my last post, and something interesting actually happened. Hm. Oh well. See you again when the next interesting thing happens.

 

I've also been feeling more emotional than usual. These emotions don't feel particularly alien, but they feel pretty strong. Then again, I did stop taking my meds recently, so that's probably it.

 

.....or Raid :D

 

By the by, the by, we aren't forcing tonight. I'm feeling particularly lazy. And peckish.

[querist]

You really shouldn't stop your meds without consulting with your physician.

 

Congrats on the progress, by the way!

[Quadraginta]

You really shouldn't stop your meds without consulting with your physician.

 

Congrats on the progress, by the way!

 

Fuk teh poliec *smokes weed*

 

 

On a serious note, I don't need these meds. Everybody around me is just a fucking idiot, especially my doctors, and my parents.

 

And thanks, but I'm still unsure whether or not we're really making 'progress.'

 

I hate doubting my tulpa, but.....doubts ;_;

[Quadraginta]

Update:

 

I feel emotions from Raid now. And head pressures. I don't want to go into details, but I basically comforted her, because whenever I brought up the topic of her being a tulpa, I felt a strange sadness that felt like it didn't belong to me.

 

I told her everything was going to be okay, and then I gave her a hug, and then the head pressure and emotions intensified.

 

It is her. It IS her.

 

Tulpae are real. I feel it. It has been confirmed.

 

And now, I'm off to go find a bluetooth headset.

[Redline]

Quad, you are the one user I think about when I try and picture slow and steady progress.

It's never some wild burst that suddenly caused you to change up everything, it's not that you're so vehement that you're willing to push yourself to the edge to hear the winds whistle- you're just going along with it and you've got Raid by your side. I'm pretty glad I read your journal, because it gave me some sort of constant to understand. I feel like you're taking things as they go along, and if I ever lose my track, I can just follow along with you until I can go my own way again.

 

Long story short, you're the average joe I root for. Not speeding through, not plodding along; you're going the distance.

Hope that didn't sound as insulting as it seemed the second time I read it over.