KM & RD

[KruegerMeister]

8/8/14: On the plane ride to California, I saw Rainbow Dash outside my window, waving at me (when we were close enough to the ground to see buildings). She told me not to look down while descending the ramp between the plane and the ground, which of course made me look down. She told me to focus on the ramp instead of how far below me the ground was. She bragged that pegasi don't have to worry about that. After reading Rizoel's rant (found here: http://mlpforums.com/topic/18464-tulpa-discussion-thread/page-179 ), I felt like...just read the reply I posted on that same page. The less I think about it, the better. At the time of this writing (6:30PM), I'm holding in a lot of animosity toward Rizoel & Crepescule, which I know is irrational. Dash told me to let the animosity out (cry), and when I asked how I could do that when surrounded by people who have no idea what I'd be letting out, she said that I could blame my tears on The Fault In Our Stars. I accidentally typed "Starts" instead of "Stars", and laughed at the idea of a movie about people who have trouble starting machinery up (everything from cars to guns). Dash said that (focusing on funny stuff) was a good idea. She also said that she could/would keep any tears from exiting my tear ducts, until a time when I could let it out without anyone around to not know why I'd be crying. When I went out to eat, I put the menu under my table, not knowing that the waiter was about to take it. Dash said that this was "a fear response", relating to my fear of her being discovered. I bought Oreos at the store, my rationale being that I'm establishing a Pavlovian thing between my sadness/misplaced guilt and Oreos; this Pavlovian thing's strength is inversely proportional to my consumption of Oreos. I'm a big Oreo fan. At this time (8:11PM) the aforementioned animosity is only in the back of my mind. I'm planning to get it out completely tonight, possibly through something involving my wonderland. While watching Dollhouse, RD said that she found Dichen Lachman more attractive than Eliza Dushku (or maybe she was just voicing my thoughts). I THINK I got rid of the animosity via a dream of heading to a classroom for a psychology class I don't really have, but I'm not sure.

[KruegerMeister]

8/9/14: Dash confirmed my theory about last night's dream. While reading about animals telling the difference between tulpa and host, I thought about testing that out with my cat. I asked Dash, and she said that she was indifferent to cats. While thinking about this test, my dog barked at me (possibly detecting Dash). When we practiced what I thought was possession (it was more like switching), I astral projected out of my body so that Dash could inhabit it; it took a tiny bit of effort to see through my "astral" eyes. I returned to my body and attempted possession (in which Dash's coat color imaginarily “spread” across my skin). When I tried to get my dog to come to me, I couldn't, but it worked when Dash possessed me (although we each made only one attempt, and the dog's tail wagged when I pet her, so Dash succeeding where I failed may have been a fluke). I planned on including Dash in my stories, but she said that she wasn't sure if she'd be portrayed realistically, even if she possessed me to write her scenes.

Edited May 26, 2020 by KruegerMeister

[KruegerMeister]

8/10/14: Rainbow Dash noticed that I seemed sad. I said that I had yet to subconsciously get over the misplaced guilt, and she rhetorically asked "Even though [my brainwashing fear]'s bullshit?" I asked her what she felt like doing today, and she said she wanted to chill in our wonderland. I asked she meant "chill" as it's used in "netflix and chill", and she sort of squeed in embarrassment. We didn't do anything, because I was in public at the time. I took a nap and woke up hungry. Dash said that I should eat something, so I drank a soda and ate some Oreos. I apologized for the lack of hanging out today, and RD reminded me that I'd napped for three hours. While writing that sentence, she reminded me of the time I'd asked someone about this sort of thing (extended lack of contact); they'd said that it was normal. For the past few days, Kimberly Cole's song "Superstar" had been stuck in my head. Today, I asked Rainbow Dash if that would create an intrusive...thought...whatever you want to call my annoying sightings of Rainbow Dash's wingless forms. She said that it wouldn't.

Dash said that "I could kill you if I wanted to." I called bullshit, and she praised me for passing her test by being independent (as in freethinking or something). When asked why she tested me, she said that tulpas are "supposed to" help their hosts improve. I said that only a Sith deals in absolutes, to which she responded by cosplaying a Jedi. While watching Dollhouse, I remembered that in one episode, Echo said that she was all of her imprints/personas. I realized that if I couldn't rid my subconscious of the "potential brainwashing" guilt, I could make peace with it: even if Rainbow Dash is brainwashed, she's like Echo (if that makes any sense. I don't know how to explain it). When I saw Rainbow Dash in the mirror, I remembered that, back in 2013, I'd set aside 7:00-8:00PM to hang out with her in our wonderland; if I were in a car at the time, I would impose our wonderland on my surroundings. I worried that eventually this wonderland-imposition would go out of control, but reassured myself with the knowledge that self-hypnosis (e.g., wonderland-imposition) isn't a one-time deal; neither is tulpa creation. Dash countered/retorted with the...fleshed-out-ness of 11/8/13 (the near-constant imposition, etc.). I said that I'd probably done a lot of parroting back then. Before bed, I said that she could appear in my dreams if she wanted to; she cameoed as a Yugioh monster.

Edited May 26, 2020 by KruegerMeister

[KruegerMeister]

8/11/14: Rainbow Dash said that I was addicted to Rationalwiki. She pumped her hoof in the air when my friend mentioned going to Disneyland. I asked her what it was like for her in the early days, and she sent me an image of a dark void. After I apologized, she sent me an image of a void flooded with light. I apologized for her having gone through whichever of those she went through. She sent me an image of her realistic form from the early days (meaning that the fleshed-out-ness of that time helped her to get out if the void). Since people say that sleep is like death, I asked Rainbow Dash if she was in the void when she or I slept (despite that, in the past, I'd see her sleeping soundly/cutely, with no indications of anything bad). She sent me the image of her cameo in last night's dream (meaning "no"). I said that we should probably work on her mindvoice (because few tulpas speak only through thoughts/images/emotions), and she said that there's no such thing as normal. Since I may have done a lot of parroting on 11/8/13, I worried that she'd been trapped in her body that day, and that I was a massive douche. She assured me that neither of those were the case. I envisioned any and all tulpa-related misplaced guilt as a pink orb. I'm not sure why it was pink, but I removed it from my midriff, and Dash's disembodied hoof smashed it into pieces.

I said that I would ask her if she wanted to do the Walter Mitty Routine in/with DStecks' review of Sonichu, if Sonichu wasn't complete crap. She proposed we review DStecks' review. We did that a little (I got caught up listening to his review).

Edited May 26, 2020 by KruegerMeister

[KruegerMeister]

8/12/14: Wondering if I was neglecting Rainbow Dash, I told her to move somewhere of her choice (to test for sentience). She flew to the bedroom door. She said, "I don't like it here." ("Here" as in the bedroom I'm staying in). I said that she could just stay in our wonderland for a few days until our vacation was over. She asked, "What about the void?" (she was worried that I would feel the empty feeling I'd felt some time in 2013) I said, "Touché". I figured that we should do the Walter Mitty routine to liven things up. To liven things up even more, I suggested that we do the Routine while switched (so that I'm the one in the movie). Rainbow Dash recommended using "The Alphabet Killer" for this. We ended up doing a Rifftrax-type thing with Nightmare on Elm Street 3 (no switching involved), because I couldn't find a stream of The Alphabet Killer where the video and audio were synced. She was skeptical of my plan to attempt a nightmare-induced lucid dream. When she said that she would protect me from nightmares, I asked if she would act as a dream sign. She promised "as [my] Mistress" (which was basically a D/S-ified pinkie promise) that she would.

Edited May 26, 2020 by KruegerMeister

[KruegerMeister]

8/13/14: I used the light from my phone to look around my bedroom, and saw Rainbow Dash's face, minus her mane. She looked really pale (or maybe that was just contrast between the light from my phone and the darkness in the rest of the room). When I read about the occult view of tulpas (which included a warning that tulpas could be dangerous), she joked, "Oooo, I'm gonna huuuurt yooooouuuu..." I briefly entertained the idea that the stuff with Lanky!RD-with-a-knife was her trying to help my subconscious realize that it's impossible for tulpas to harm their hosts.

[ How do you define "harm"?]

Touché. When we hung out in our wonderland, I ate a sandwich; I'm not sure if I was over-salivating the way I normally do, or if I'd tricked my salivary glands into thinking I was really eating a sandwich.

Before brushing my teeth, I checked to see if I had any cavities. Dash said that I didn't. I said that my teeth looked really yellow, and she replied that they were always that way.

Edited May 26, 2020 by KruegerMeister

[KruegerMeister]

8/14/14: I had intrusive hallucinations of being my ponysona, but Rainbow Dash helped me stop them. She briefly held wooden puppet handles with strings attached to my limbs as a joke. When I rode Soarin' Over California, she hovered in the "sky" of the scenes on the screen, looking at me with bedroom eyes. Since the pre-ride scenery in Tower of Terror looks like a boiler room, she pretended to be Freddy Krueger. She sat next to me when we went on Pirates of the Caribbean, and inserted herself into the scenery. Near the end of the ride, I comforted her, because that had been a scary experience. I expressed disbelief that she was fine during The Haunted Mansion, and she explained that ghosts weren't real. When I rode Space Mountain, she held my hands down on the safety bar/handle. She danced along when a band played the Beatles song "A Hard Day's Night", using the moves I'd invented on 4/26/2014, and wearing the same Goth outfit from that day.

[KruegerMeister]

8/15/14: I thought about using pony OC self-hypnosis for self-exploration, but Rainbow Dash said that "self-exploration iiisn't always a good thing." When I read a Cracked article on people being exposed to mind control on a daily basis, I started freaking out. I figured that the best idea was to not think about it; people inadvertently prime themselves and others all the time, so I should just "go with the flow". Due to that phrasing, Rainbow Dash called me a hippie. I was able to crack a joke about her being primed/conditioned to respond in that way. I thought about Dash's experience with the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, and she said that she'd been scared for my mental health (she'd been inserting herself into physical scenery, as opposed to the images seen on a projection screen).

[KruegerMeister]

8/16/14: Sometimes it'll be like I'm someone who's never used the Internet before, and (insert piece of information here) is Rule 34 (I’m not sure how to explain this analogy). There have been posts on the tulpa thread about "maybe the occultists are on the right track with Servitors, Godforms, etc.." Those, if accurate, are also the "Rule 34" in that Internet analogy. Dash said that I should try to break all this info into pieces. I thought about using my philosophy professor as an unwitting pawn to help me do that, but decided against it. I envisioned several bits of hard-to-digest info as floating balls, and set them on silver fire.

Dash consoled me when I (incorrectly, thankfully) thought that my tulpaforcing during college had indirectly added thousands of dollars to last year's tuition. Before learning that wasn't the case, I thought about how I'd blown thousands of dollars on RD. She appeared in red high heeled shoes and a sparkly dress as a joke. When I asked her about notetaking, she said that she was both willing and able to help me study/take notes.

Whenever I see a picture of a scary/creepy creature, I politely tell it to go away. I usually visualize the creature as being sad when it leaves.

[Maybe it's being not-scary..."maybe it's being not-scary"? *laughs*]

When I tried to figure out why the creature would be sad, Dash originally suggested that it wanted to be a tulpa, but my one-tulpa-and-one-foal vow meant that it couldn't.

Edited May 26, 2020 by KruegerMeister

[KruegerMeister]

8/17/14: Rainbow Dash and I didn't really hang out much. After reading about pony hypnosis' possible side effects, I felt a bit sad/depressed. Rainbow Dash said that it was a fear response to what I'd read. She advised me to postpone a foray into pony hypnosis for an unknown amount of time, citing the fact that she's my tulpa as why she knows what she's talking about. I figured that my fear was the idea of permanent, involuntarily-triggered hypnosis.