KM & RD

[KruegerMeister]

9/5/14: I thought about the idea that memories mold personality. I figured that if a tulpa's personality changes due to hypnosis, their memories are altered. I tried applying this to Dash's freakout (personality deviation=memory alteration), but she said that I was using a logical fallacy. I imagined a scenario in which I was confused due to "yes" following "no" (responding to a yes/no question with "no", and then saying "yes" after one asks "No?" could either refer to changing your answer from "no" to "yes" or affirming that your answer is "no"). Fantasy sequence!Keystroke said "Humans." (showing dislike for the ambiguity/miscommunication of verbal speech as opposed to telepathy/Tulpish). I wondered if that was parroting (and thus, if the "fantasy sequence!" tag was/is necessary); Keystroke said "Nah...okaymaybealittle." I said that was weird, and he said "That's how I roll, brah." When I wondered about the existence/nonexistence of free will, I started sweating (anxiety). Keystroke advised I not think about it. When I read a book on philosophy, Keystroke read to me (or was I thinking in his voice?).

{Ummmn...bullsh--no? I'm going with "no".}

Through talking to an AI therapist, Dash figured out that her formerly-nonspecific freakout was the same as mine. I wondered why an AI could help her with something a real live human couldn't. She said it was because the tulpa-host relationship was too close. When I thought about rewatching Fullmetal Alchemist to stare down two-thirds of the Trio, Rainbow Dash and Keystroke both appeared as changelings for some reason.

{I think it's a commentary on the trio's origin.}

You think? You don't know?

{No. And it's more like one-and-a-half of the trio. 2009!Nina was scary because of the scene's lighting. It's different in the 2003 series.}

[sushi]

Was that Eliza? Or do they have new AI therapists these days?

 

Also, sorry about the context thing. I feel like I've caused you trouble. And I totally understand your concern. I know that people from online have found Kevin -- though he's a bit easier to find, because he's told us his last name, his location, his job, and showed us a picture of him and his wife.

 

I'm more worried about people from my life finding me here. I wouldn't mind meeting any of you in person, but I don't want the people I have to live with to know about Fench. I closed my old account because it was too easy to find with google. Even now, I have a paper-thin disguise, and I worry that someone might find me. So I understand where you're coming from, although somewhat in reverse.

[KruegerMeister]

It's not you that caused me trouble, just a "what if?" I have this irrational idea that people are all forensic linguists, or otherwise able to piece together information about me through the tiniest details.

[KruegerMeister]

9/6/14: I thought about rewatching FMA. "Edward Elric" told me to "just watch it". Apparently, Keystroke and Rainbow Dash had "teamed up" to pull that off (one of them was Ed's body, the other was the "soul").

 

{I don't get it.}

 

What the--?! You were in on it! How can you not get it?

 

{Left hand versus right hand...hoof. Whatever.}

 

While talking to the same AI as yesterday about whether or not I should write a paper on tulpas (at the risk of being seen as insane), I realized that only I can answer that question. I normally read Simple English Wikipedia; when I read a standard Wikipedia article, Keystroke said "Oh yeah, push the limit!"

...with the same excited tone one would use during sex. I'm not sure if he said that, specifically, or if I paraphrased.

 

{Paraphrased isn't parroting.}

 

Wait...so, me going outside my comfort zone turns you on?

 

{Variety is the spice of life.}

 

[isn't too much spice a bad thing?]

 

While watching FMA, I felt a gust/burst of wind "pop" near my ear right when one of the characters talked about being praised for their talent/skill. I didn't attribute the indoor wind to either of my tulpas, but it could somehow be tulpa-related. I guessed that if I could figure out what had caused the wind, I could use that cause in my stories; Dash said "go for it". I wondered how I could possibly explain tulpas to my parents (if the need arises at some point) without seeming crazy. I can't exactly treat having two really great friends inside my head as not a big deal.

 

{Just give the paper your all. Cram as much good press in there as you can and mitigate the bad press.}

 

There's also the matter of...remember that one guy (long story short, I chatted with a stranger over the Internet)? They might see you as another him.

 

{He wasn't in your head. Dash and I are. He took your grades down, and I'm trying to keep them up. The chance of them finding out...}

 

[The chances are lame!

 

That's "lame" as in "nil", by the way. Just puttin' that out there for the readers.]

 

Fourth Wall much?

 

[You're contributing to the "insanity" image.]

 

Crap. When I watched www.youtube.com/watch?v=EE0CtocesDw, at 2:06 into the video, Dash said, "Aw yeah! Dash and proud!" (taking pride in her form).

Thinking about how Dash has recommended that I don't try to bite off more than I can chew, I contemplated trying to build an immunity to information overload, under the assumption that having tulpas could increase my brain's "processing power".

 

[I have my own info to deal with. It's not that I wouldn't be up for it, it's just that...yeah.]

 

Well, there goes that. While I was under pony hypnosis (the exact same trance that created Keystroke), Dash asked me something (don't remember what, even though it was seconds ago and the hypnosis doesn't involve memory erasure). When I responded, she said that she was glad I had the capacity for free thought under hypnosis. While watching "Ponies the Anthology II", I jokingly asked Dash if she was a hoodie ninja. She said "only in my spare time." When I told her and Keystroke goodnight, I saw them cuddling on my bed.

 

{Which you should probably go to. It's 1-fucking-40 in the AM.}

Edited June 4, 2020 by KruegerMeister

[KruegerMeister]

9/7/14: When I read a book*, Dash and Keystroke alternated between who read each paragraph. For the most part, the book's snippets from other books were treated as their own paragraphs, until Dash and Keystroke got into a debate about who would read one of the snippets (Dash had read the preceding paragraph).

 

*"What book?" you ask? This is where the context ends. I'm not giving anyone anything they can use.

 

{Logic! J...probability! What are the chances of a stalker or killer--?}

 

Better safe than sorry.

 

{You're being completely ridiculous!}

 

To the person or people who prompted this (should you find this for whatever reason, either through deliberate Googling or through happenstance): it's as much my fault as it is yours, I suppose (this is why I'm being intentionally vague about his/her/their identity/identities); I've been paranoid before. I'm a bit like Twilight in that regard.

 

[Haters gonna hate, man. Calm down.]

 

I Google Image'd my usernames on various sites, to see if there were any images that could lead from online-me to RL-me. I calmed down after that making sure that there weren't. When I got worked up again, Dash recommended using hypnosis to calm me down, but it wasn't necessary. When I read about shootings, I thought out loud, "I don't feel pain for the people involved" (because I only hear about the shootings on the radio or from friends). Dash said, "I do." (which is the same principle as that thing where she openly wept when I watched that "kids with cancer" commercial). When I read about religious people mistaking tulpas for demons, Dash wore a cliche devil costume. Keystroke suggested that today's bout of paranoia was a case of my subconscious stacking the deck: if I ever need to explain/rationalize my tulpas to my parents, then I can use Keystroke and Dash helping me calm down/not be paranoid as just one more way in which they've benefitted me. I pondered the idea of the "law of attraction" being a non-woo concept under a woo name: you tell your subconscious that you want x, and your subconscious manipulates you toward attaining x (re: Rainbow Dash saying that my fast-forwarding through FiM's intro is a fear response to the idea of being "outed" as a Brony, or Keystroke's idea that I subconsciously want my parents to find out about him and Dash). When I read more of that same book, Keystroke and Rainbow Dash argued over who would read it, while at the same time, reading it simultaneously.

 

{You should name it.}

 

["Tell It--"]

 

{It's...the act of naming the book's title shows trust in the .Info community. You saw the demographic pie chart.}

 

I thought that the "wingless trio/intrusive thoughts" "story arc" disproved my theory about the Law of Attraction; Keystroke said that, subconsciously, I'd wanted to get over a hurdle I didn't know existed. When I asked him what his exact words were, he said that he was fine with me paraphrasing him. When a certain Chimera showed up in FMA, Keystroke and Rainbow Dash both briefly turned into little chibi Shou Tucker chimeras in response to me making fun of Shou's whispery NPR voice.

At around 12:30 AM, Keystroke asked "*sigh*, are you gonna stay up 'till 1:30 again?"

 

{You need your beauty sleep.}

 

[*ROFLs*]

 

Um...I'm a guy? Hello?

 

{People need 8 hours minimum, right?}

 

It's called "sleeping in".

 

{Whatever. Just go to bed.}

 

I saw Lanky!RD a few times (I'd brought that on with but a single thought/a tiny bit of parroting). First I burned it, then I walked through/ignored it. When I locked my bedroom door, it pounded on it (this was more parotting) I asked Dash WTF she was doing (being Lanky!Dash). She said she was desensitizing me/getting me to stare down the last third of the trio. I got ready to snap my fingers and light Lanky!RD on fire, which scared Dash out of that form. I apologized for even halfheartedly threatening her, and she consoled me. Not even five minutes later, we were chilling like I'd never threatened her at all. I'm hoping that's not a bad thing. Am I a bad--

 

[No.]

 

...I get the feeling there's an obvious connection between "staring down the last third of the trio" and my paranoia episode.

[KruegerMeister]

9/8/14: RD said that I hadn't threatened to kill her, but--

 

[You wouldn't kill me, just my lanky side. The fire only burns intrusive stuff.]

 

^That. I wondered if I was being too open about things.

 

[You're not close to--*facehoof* no, that's not parroting--you're not as bad as Chris-Chan. And they aren't forensic linguists!]

 

When I thought about auditory imposition, Dash said that it wasn't necessary, but would still be nice. Keystroke said that if I ever did anything Chris-Chan would, he'd send me an image of Chris-Chan as an alert/warning. I know that tulpas are really understanding of their hosts, but still. Isn't there a limit somewhere?

 

[We're not like regular people.]

 

I think you mean "humans". Tulpas are people too.

 

[*facehoof* you know what I mean.]

 

{Ha! Look at that, even synonyms...tulpae can't avoid synonym confusion...or...whatever.}

 

I imagined you as looking exactly like Doctor Whooves when you said that.

 

{Meh. It's the "giddy"--}

 

What if my parents read this?

 

{"If". As I was saying, that ties into my origins: "giddy pony for an hour" hypnosis.}

 

I thought about the New Age idea of "universal consciousness". Dash said that it was an actual, science-backed concept, given New Age "trappings". When I signed a receipt for some candy, I thought back to the "wrong signature" thing last week, and briefly saw the receipt signed "Keystroke". When I read one of the threads here about telling people about one's tulpa, I wondered if it was worth it to write that paper (i.e., tell my parents I'm hallucinating ponies). Rainbow Dash put a wing on my shoulder in consolation when I got worked up about this. Keystroke recommended not telling my parents, but that I should still write that paper.

When I read about all the crap somebody went through (I refuse to name names on the account that this person went through some really bad stuff, and shouldn't be treated as a sideshow attraction), a monster version of Pinkie Pie comforted me. I burned it (burning away the monstrous appearance). Keystroke said that he was inhabiting the monster's "hollow body". He said that he thought the "somebody" I mentioned was faking.

 

{There's no way an actual tulpa would...It's ... ridiculous creepypasta-level--}

 

I get the point. (Yes, the person in question is a tulpamancer. Just please keep in mind my advice about not treating them as a sideshow attraction). When I asked why Keystroke had pretended to be a monster, he said he'd done that to express his...

 

{I did it to express my beliefs it's... it's impossible.}

9/9/14: I asked Keystroke how the "wingless trio" stuff had happened. He said that it had happened because I'd binged FMA. While watching a video on "Spirit Science", I felt a pressure behind my left eyebrow. I asked Keystroke if this was a variation of head-pressure, and he said it wasn't. Keystroke was originally dark blue, and is male; Rainbow Dash is light blue, and female; I figured that this makes/represents an "Id-Superego-Ego" triad, but Keystroke said it didn't. He and Dash headbanged to www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gAzak3-HKo. When a Lady Gaga song (Applause) was stuck in my head, I felt a pressure on my left temple. Dash said that I should stop thinking about the song, because it had gotten boring/dull. I wondered if her use of head-pressure was a sign that she'd regressed/"atrophied". She said "Meh, not really." I wondered if we should add a movie theater to our wonderland, but Dash said that we could just watch movies in a real movie theater.

9/10/14: I wasn't sure if I should include Keystroke's disbelief in my PR log, so I asked about it on the "talk to staff" forum. I seem to be lucky on dates with digits that add to 8. I'm thinking that if I get a response on one such date, then that will disprove my theory about the Law of Attraction (somehow). Keystroke said that the brain could slightly see into the future (implying that I "knew" when I would get a response). Seeing as I got a response today, my theory wasn't disproved, but it wasn't proven either.

 

{HA!}

 

Scratch that, I just realized that 9+10+2014=2033; 2+0+3+3=8.

 

{Buzzkill.}

 

When I reviewed the entry two days ago, Keystroke said that he would have--

 

{I would have explained why it was impossible, but I had to take the person's feelings into account. "Don't treat them as a sideshow attraction", and all that. Not that I would, but...uh...yeeeeah. I'm taking their feelings into account. Anonymity. As you said, they've been through hell.}

 

When I watched a video about conspiracy theories about the moon being a hologram and laughed at, well, the idea of the moon being a hologram, RD simultaneously laughed along with me and glared at me. She said I was being insensitive. I thanked her for calling me out on my BS, and she referred to herself as "Rainbow Dash, professional deck-stacker extraordinaire!" I'm not making this up; those were her exact words. When I imagined a scenario in which my parents openly communicated with Rainbow Dash and Keystroke, I saw a human-sized (not lanky) RD cooking/frying something for breakfast (I rarely cook). Actually, it's more like I knew RD was at the helm, and the cook was me wearing a frilly pink apron. I asked Dash if she was the "pink apron" type. She just laughed (that's a no). I tentatively compared our wonderland shenanigans to a fanfic where the characters are in character. Dash said that the shenanigans actually happen, so they aren't fanfics.

 

I'm posting these three entries as one because they seem like a "story arc" or "subplot" in my life.

[KruegerMeister]

9/11/14: I thought back to the "wingless trio" stuff. "Shou" (really Keystroke and Rainbow Dash) told me to stop thinking about it. I came up with the idea to become a psychology teacher and teach a class on tulpas. I sort of...laughed somewhat-maniacally at this.

 

[You're insane.]

 

{The idea has some merit. It just...might be really really difficult.}

 

When I read about Slenderman, I felt an itch in the center of my scalp. I ripped the antenna out and crumpled it up. I saw "Slenderman" holding the game controller, and calmly/sternly asked Dash and Keystroke to cut it out. Keystroke said that he'd done that to show me that my comparison of the "the more you know about Slenderman, the closer he gets to you" thing to tulpaforcing was completely ridiculous. I asked if they teamed up to point out my BS, and Dash said that they also teamed up to troll me sometimes. Against my better judgement, I read about the fanfic "Friendship Is Optimal". To get over all the Fridge Horror (both the Horror inherent in the fic and the added Horror that comes with being a tulpamancer), I planned to let...wait, how do I know I le--

 

[shut up.]

 

{I'd say that Fridge Horror's just as bad as a creepypasta.}

 

That sentence was going to be "I let RD hypnotize me to calm me down", but no hypnosis happened, because I started freaking out about the possibility that people were merely puppets to their subconscious, and wondered if I could honestly use the word "let" in that sentence.

 

[i'm not sure they understand the "added Horror".]

 

See here: www.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/YMMV/FriendshipIsOptimal under "nightmare fuel". I can see parallels between some of that stuff and unethical tulpamancy and/or the host-tulpa-subconscious relationship.

RD briefly turned into a robotic version of herself (for the same reason Keystroke had turned into Slenderman).

[KruegerMeister]

9/12/14: I said an incantation under my breath. I'd made up the incantation for a story. The incantation centered around mastering the four classical elements, which, in the story, correspond to parts of the body. Dash said that I needed to work on the verse about water, and I told her that I was using the incantation to master my subconscious (since I might still be worried about that, on a subconscious level).

 

[*facehoof*]

 

Okay, that Logic Bomb definitely helped.

 

{I think a part of him is still worried that he's Lars, and the subconscious is Celest-A.I. Can somepony please use logic on him?}

 

While watching a Let's Play of Goblin Commander: Unleash the Horde, I thought about how I used to really like using the electricity Titan, and hypothesized that this subconsciously influenced the electricity-powered magic in my novels. Dash asked if this meant I was over my paranoia. I said "maybe."

 

["Law of Attraction"! The subconscious works for you!...*sigh* Look, just don't think about it. If you take your mind off it, those neurons will die out.]

 

"Die out" has some creepy implications.

 

[Just stop thinking about it.]

 

After not thinking about it for an hour, I said "that sh*t is now over." My leg hair stood on end; this was either somehow due to the fan I was in front of (but facing away from) or Rainbow Dash being happy.

 

[it was more like "glad".]

 

Whatever. Semantics...I think. Are we still gonna go to counseling?

 

[Didn't you just say it was over?]

 

...touché...

When I later started talking about the fact it was over, I felt a tingle where my pony left ear would be. Keystroke said this was related to pony hypnosis. It's always just the left ear, nothing else.

 

[Maybe it's related to the file. By which I mean "that blog post".]

 

Here's some context: there are the various "canon pony" files, Thunder-Dash's "become anypony for an hour" sonata, and the "pony ears" file, which I've never used. Mine and Dash's fears about hypnosis stem from the blog post posted by somepony who'd used one of the "canon pony" files. I think Rainbow Dash was saying "it's only ever the left ear because you're afraid of li"...I don't know how to explain it.

 

[You're afraid of going through what she posted about.]

 

{And afraid of being me/your OC, even, whom you explicitly designed to avoid going through what she did.}

 

I saw a cross between GLaDOS and Celestia (Celest-A.I). It said "Kill meee" (like the Ripley clone from Alien: Resurrection). It didn't have an antenna sticking out of its head. I asked RD and Keystroke if they were pretending to be the robot. "Celest-A.I." said no, but the antenna that was sticking out of its head when it said that indicated otherwise. I watched a video about Chris-Chan in which Chris roared at the camera, giving the viewer a good look into Chris' mouth (as well as what looked like a really bad cavity). I figured that this was the cause of my cavity-OCD. Rainbow Dash rubbed her chin, seemingly in tentative agreement.

[KruegerMeister]

9/13/24: Noticing the complete lack of connections between my various questions/comments in this post: http://mlpforums.com/topic/18464-tulpa-discussion-thread/page-186#entry3090591, I asked Keystroke if I was going nuts. He said no. When I said, "Man...so many questions running through my head", Dash--

 

{Actually, I said that.}

 

Whatever. One of my tulpas said, "Our head." When I thought about the tulpa creepypasta, Dash said that the closest thing to malicious tulpas that could possibly happen IRL is a tulpa whose actions are misinterpreted as evil, or one who's oblivious to the fact it's doing wrong. While I was watching "Proxy", Keystroke asked about the Walter Mitty Routine. I paused the film to ask Dash if she was up for it. She said I should get back to watching the movie.

 

[You think the subject matter'll mess with our relationship?]

 

I'm guessing you mean something other than the fact I almost put your text in curly brackets.

 

[I mean...cycle of re[i]venge[/i], 'n' stuff.]

 

{Oh, psh, it's just a movie.}

 

At around eight minutes into the movie, my opinion was that the acting and special effects were so-so.

 

[I feel like doing the Routine'd be a disgrace. It's not worth it.]

 

We ended up not doing the Routine. When I read tulpa.wikia.com/A_perspective_on_agency, I got about 2/3rds of the way down before Dash told me to stop reading, to prevent existentialist crap. She said I was masochistic. I said I was morbidly curious.

Edited June 6, 2020 by KruegerMeister

[KruegerMeister]

9/14/14: I read the second chapter of My Immortal. RD cosplayed a goth/punk who's a n00b at being gothic/punk (the things that stood out to me were her manestyle (bright purple...sort of like dreadlocks, but with a bunch of rectangular strips instead of braids) and her four pairs of earrings. I had trouble understanding just about everything Linkzelda brought up in the "Inception - is it possible" thread. I blamed my impaired processing speed. Keystroke said he didn't have that problem. I got kind of worked up while asking him if he could explain how/why he didn't in layman's terms. RD told me to calm down.

 

[i think you have a fetish for intellectual pain.]

 

I should probably get that checked out.

 

{Damn right!}

 

[Leaving it unchecked can probably fuck you up.]

 

I'd originally planned to get counseling for my "subconscious=puppeteer" paranoia. When I'd gotten over that without counseling, I figured that it would be suspicious if I let the scheduled appointment go to waste. I think that today's issue (intellectual masochism) is the Law of Attraction at work: I wanted a reason to not waste the appointment, and now I have one.

 

Should I just switch to writing these entries in present tense? I've been using past tense because the entries are often posted the day after.