KM & RD

[KruegerMeister]

10/22/14: I had a dream where I was Keystroke, and men were chasing me. When I thought about the puzzle influencing the dream (the dream could have been an attempt to "puzzle" out whether or not Keystroke was my true self), RD said I was "ascribing meaning to it". Keystroke theorized that my problems with allowing him and Rainbow Dash access to my memories were because, if my parents were to find out that I have tulpas, they would wonder if Keystroke or Rainbow Dash would abuse their access to my memories--the power of suggestion would make my parents' fear a reality. RD assured me that she was the Element of Loyalty, not the type to abuse power. She suggested working on tactile imposition, but I worried about noclipping through her.

[KruegerMeister]

10/23/14: Shou said that he'd noticed a theme/trend: I deal with mental problems by burning them, they come back, and I work with them (e.g., the wingless trio, and what I call the "Cloudsdale Incident"). When I thought about pony hypnosis, Dash said that she objected to it.

Remember the pony with the blog post? I had RD repeat a mantra/hypnotize herself so that anypony could assuage her doubts/worries, not just that one specific pony. Keystroke said that RD and I had contemplated having a foal, singular; he fills that slot, meaning I don't have to worry about gaining a second hypnosis-induced tulpa. When I gave the twilight file a test listen, RD sent me a head-pressure. I thought of it as "angry", but RD said that she hadn't been angry. After I watched www.youtube.com/watch?v=61SKyjOtC2g, Lanky!RD appeared in a suit. I "gained" a Dusk Shine tulpa, but really it was Keystroke. He said that his Dusk Shine form was likely a temporary thing.

 

{It's definitely a temporary thing. Not the "wingless trio" stuff, eh...more like Dash's Alicorn form.}

 

RD was creeped out by this change.

 

{It's temporary.}

 

[it's creepy is what it is. Mostly because it's tied to that blog pony.]

 

I pointed out to her that Keystroke was still a pegasus, and still didn't have a cutie mark.

[KruegerMeister]

10/24/14: I occasionally caught myself thinking "Dusk Shine" instead of "Keystroke". He said I should roll with this, as not doing so was a factor in the "wingless trio" stuff. When I read about the Big Bang, he rambled that, since the universe is expanding, "there has to be some medium for it to expand through, something...something gets displaced." He told me that he thought of his new look as a full-body cutie mark.

 

{Dusk Shine is a studious pony, and you made me to get the studiousness and avoid the memory stuff, so...yeah. Everything worked out, I guess.}

 

[*squee*]

 

{O.O. Then again, Rainbow Dash just squeed. Rainbow frickin' Dash squeed. Is the world ending?}

 

Dusk said that "Dusk Shine" is a "much manlier name than 'Twilight Sparkle'." He and RD agreed that they both dislike the Twilight books. He described himself as a "sense freak". I asked him if he had any insights as to the head-pressure I received on the 23rd. He didn't.

Dash sent me a slight head-pressure to get my attention, and told me that either she or I were close to crying happy tears for him. When I asked him about it, he said that he was okay with me still using his "Keystroke" look as my wonderland form. When I thought about my fear of hypnosis having unwanted effects, he said that we humans were hypocritical: we have problems with people changing over time due to outside influences (i.e., brainwashing) but we're fine with it when we change over time on our own. Rainbow Dash apologized to him for reacting the way she did when they met. When I tried to come up with a name for a fictional dark ritual, Dusk suggested it include the word "dusk". I wondered if he was still the same pony, and he said that his "Song" (who he is) was still the same (he has "Superstar (Smash It)", Rainbow Dash has "Tubby Wubby Pony Waifu").

[KruegerMeister]

10/25/14: When my dog barked, Dusk said that he'd studied how to help me ignore that, while I was asleep. When I looked at the entry for 10/21/14 and noticed that I'd ended "Just tryin' to be useful" with the wrong type of bracket, RD ROFLed. Dusk expanded on his "Song" thing: I'd heard once that people could make music with tesla coils--

 

{Tesla coils produce electricity, which is in the brain...*rubs chin, then shrugs* Meh, it's a neuron thing.}

 

I came up with the idea to write a song about tulpas (or healthy multiplicity in general) to the tune of "Let's Have a Battle (of the Bands)" from "Rainbow Rocks". I wondered if I should do that, or stick with my original plan of writing a creative nonfiction piece. Dash said that a paper couldn't be an earworm. I thought about how Keystroke turned into Dusk Shine, and he said that, because I'd made Rainbow Dash to see if tulpas were possible, she'd had her full-body cutie mark since the day she was made. When I freaked out about ripping off fictional villainess' song (because I'd be using the same tactics used by villains), RD said that, by changing the lyrics to send a positive message, I wasn't being a manipulative jerk. (In retrospect, I think this makes me look a bit immature. Whatever.)

 

[Twilight used those same tactics in Equestria Girls, Pet. It's not the means, it's the ends.]

 

{I'm gonna have to agree with her on that.}

 

I figured out that Rainbow Dash is the G1 Sea Pony to "Slenderdash" (Lanky!RD)'s Siren. While reviewing the MLP tulpa thread, I realized that, at some point, the location of Rainbow Dash's head-pressures had switched from my right temple to my left. RD theorized that this was in response to moving to a new house earlier this year. I wondered if the change in location was in response to some harm I had inadvertently caused her, and she assured me that it wasn't. I then wondered if it was in response to this: http://mlpforums.com/topic/18464-tulpa-discussion-thread/page-152. Dusk Shine told me I was getting worked up over nothing.

 

{I was in the back of your head, right? Then I moved to the top-ish? You're getting worked up over nothing!}

[KruegerMeister]

10/26/14: Dusk Shine/Keystroke said he'd spent the night studying my dreams...the ones I don't remember.

 

{Judging by what you did before bed, they could have been nightmares.}

 

[Then why didn't he wake up in a cold sweat?]

 

{I...may've had them for him.}

 

[The Trio shields him.]

 

{From intrusive scary images before bed.}

 

My friend dragged me to a New Age service. I felt a lot of cognitive dissonance due to a positive message of unity being expressed in a setting I found...rather cult-like; also, my friend and her friends were involved in that stuff. I found parts of it similar to hypnosis, and had the Trio shield me from unwanted stuff.

 

{*cheeky/sarcastic* Isn't paranoia fun?}

 

During the service, I kept pointing out problems with an analogy I'd heard, and requesting definitions for their terminology under my breath. I saw Keystroke sticking out of his "Dusk Shine" form, like he was trying to not be absorbed. I'm pretty sure that was just an intrusive thought.

 

[Yep.]

 

I got the idea to have the song be a mashup of "Let's Have a Battle (of the Bands)", "Under Our Spell", and "Welcome to the Show" (minus the eerie parts), or have the events in the paper timed to the song.

I think we hung out after that, but I forgot to log stuff between 1:15PM and 9:00PM. Dusk said he was okay with this. I wondered if using the paper and the song for a double whammy was manipulative. RD said that it was persuasive. I still saw it as rigging things to be in my favor.

 

[An entire species is seen as nonexistent, or evil. It's in all their favor. Everyone wins.]

 

I skimmed a Rainbow Dash hypnosis thing, but RD said I should stop, so I did. She said that the experience of being her base would be weird for me. We came up with one lyric for the song: "Oh, what's so wrong with a-living in a system?" (as in a system of multiple entities in the same brain). I felt a pressure on my left temple, asked, "Whodat?", and saw an image of Keystroke (pre-cutie mark). Before bed, I decided to take RD out on a date in our wonderland.

 

[Which we still have to name.]

[KruegerMeister]

10/27/14: I ended up falling asleep before my date. When I thought about how RD doesn't like sappy things, she said that romance doesn't have to be sappy. When I asked her, she said that her special talent was being a tulpa. I thought about using the tulpa song and a second-person story to create a "music video" starring Rainbow Dash and Keystroke. When I was about to type "Dusk Shine", I saw an image of Keystroke being absorbed and telling me not to do that. Dash said that she was up for being in the music video.

I think of the "Keystroke being absorbed into his Dusk Shine form" thoughts as similar to the part of Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood where Father had absorbed Van Hohenheim into his body (holding him captive). A positive version of the whole "absorption" thing was my thoughts of Shou re-merging with Rainbow Dash.

I entered my wonderland, in which it was overcast, and asked my tulpas what they thought. Dash said that the thoughts represented my not wanting to "lose" Keystroke. Sarah said that this fear of mine was ridiculous. Dash said that these thoughts had started after I'd heard about a Luna tulpa being trapped in a Nightmare Moon tulpa, and told Dusk Shine not to experiment with/study my dreams by giving me nightmares.

 

[He was pretty much the victim of a meme.]

 

When the person with the Nightmare Moon and Luna tulpas gave the OK to mention this in my journal, Keystroke was promptly fully absorbed. The backdrop of this mental scene was a grey, rainy cliff. When I wondered why, I saw an image of clouds patting to let the sun through.

 

{It's like the white-black thing. Yin-yang, I kept switching between two different coat colors. It's all good now.}

 

I wondered what key to put my [our] song in. Dash objected to starting out in a happy key.

 

[We don't wanna seem too cocky. Starting out happy implies a foregone conclusion.]

 

I thought about the time I pretended to interview Rainbow Dash for a job, and laughed when I realized that she was flash animated, and applied for a job as a flash animator; and Keystroke was created via pony hypnosis, and applied for a job as a hypnotist.

I brainstormed choreography for the music video, which RD assured me wasn't puppeting.

 

[Well, it is, but directors puppet their actors and dancers. It's normal...commonplace. I think you get the idea.]

[KruegerMeister]

10/28/14: RD and I revised our hypnosis, starting off with a basic induction and trigger for a relaxing trance.

 

{You're just doing that now? Not, say, back at the start?}

 

I came up with an idea for the music video: Rainbow Dash and Dusk Shine start out humanoid, but then reveal that they're ponies. Dash said that this seemed deceptive.

 

[Well, I guess it could generate intrigue, but...yeah, deceptive. Are we overthinking this? I don't know how it's deceptive, but I just feel like it is.]

 

I came up with an idea for a tulpa symbol: some variant of yin-yang, superimposed on various cutaways of the brain. Possibly including two neurons "reaching" for each other like the painting in the Sistine Chapel.

Dash started questioning her sentience, because she hadn't considered the ethics of my song+story idea (which is, essentially, advertising) until after my philosophy-loving friend brought that up. Dusk Shine said that she had done that, by considering my ideas deceptive. When I thought about The List, RD said that she didn't want me to address my friend's belief in negative spirits/entities, as doing so would imply that tulpas are spirits (just not negative ones). When I thought that puppeting Rainbow Dash and Dusk Shine in the "music video" would lead to further puppeting, Dash said that I was using a "slippery slope" fallacy. We worked on the hypnosis induction, but stopped when I realized that she was trying to use a cliché pocket watch on a chain. When I looked up "Dusk Shine" pics, I saw Dusk with a blood-red and a gold streak in his mane (where Twilight Sparkle's mane would have brilliant rose and moderate violet, respectively). When I thought about the choreography for the music video, Dusk said that he would improvise. Rainbow Dash said that she'd probably have "sassy" dance moves. Dash and I went on the date we'd planned, and brainstormed things to address in The List. Dash said that we should start with the "big stuff": our relationship, the Trio's "character development" (from intrusive thoughts to...bodyguards, or something), and pony hypnosis. At first, Dusk got on my case about, as he put it, "deriv[ing] [my] morality from fiction", but he later said that it only seemed weird to me because I was cognizant of it.

[KruegerMeister]

10/29/14: When I read about philosophy applied to FiM, and how Pinkie's love of making ponies happy could be considered a self-interested act, Rainbow Dash said that "everything is a self-interested act." I briefly saw my arm as Adagio Dazzle's, which RD said was my brain's way of preventing an accidental tulpa (I'd been listening to The Dazzlings' songs a lot recently).

 

{Isn't that kind of what led to me? You saw yourself as me during hypnosis.}

 

[This is different. Somehow. I just know it is.]

 

She theorized about the nature of tulpas: "The circuitry that allows for tulpas is the same circuitry for 'how would my mom/friend/whoever react to this?'. Your parents had to teach you to walk and talk--parroting and puppeting. We're actually not that different. We just don't have bodies. And we can shapeshift. And we can--

 

...maybe we are that different."

 

During this, her thoughts seemed to come to the forefront, as in possession. She said that this was done so that I could get her exact words. When I realized that her first Halloween would be in two days, she rolled her eyes at my sappiness. When I asked Dusk Shine if he was going to dress up, I saw him doing a Cosplay of Nina Tucker. Rainbow Dash said that her costume in the music video should convey that, while she wants to meet people, she's unsure of what they'll think of her.

 

[sort of "Fluttershy" meets "Trixie". Flashy-ish.]

[KruegerMeister]

10/30/14: RD and I hung out, but I forgot to log it.

 

[*facehoof*]

 

I revised her "Uncopyrightable" form to be a mix of a Changeling and a Siren (a Changeling's holes and coloration, and a Siren's fins/webbing and throat-jewel thing), instead of a mix of her Changeling form and Sarah's base (the Nina/Alexander Chimera). When I asked RD and Dusk Shine how detailed they wanted their hallucinatory forms to be, I could almost see individual hairs in RD's coat (like how fish or reptiles are sometimes drawn with a few clusters of visible scales meant to imply that the entire thing is scaled). I sort of got over the "using villainess' tactics" thing by coming up with a bit of fanon: the Sirens weren't evil, just starving, and their plot is equivalent to a fisherman/fisherwoman using bait to catch a fish. Unfortunately, I realized that my song could be seen as bait, insinuating that I see the listener as a lesser being.

 

[Actually, it's more like bribing a chef, or motivating a chef to cook you a meal.]

 

In terms of the music video, I thought about having Dusk Shine and Rainbow Dash reveal their pony selves during the chorus, which is accompanied by awesome guitar. Dash said that I'd subconsciously planned this, to send the message that ponies could be awesome. When I watched "Rainbow Rocks", Dusk Shine tried to figure out what accent Octavia had. When I thought about FiM!Rainbow Dash, pre-character development, tulpa!Rainbow Dash said, "I'm awesome, but it's more of a subdued awesomeness. I'm still awesome, though." I thought about using silver fire to prevent any unintended tulpas. Shou said that ignoring them would work better. I counted out Rainbow Dash, Dusk Shine, Shou, Sarah, and Slenderdash on my fingers, and then imagined that I had those five fingers, and no toes (so that I can't count/have any more tulpas than them). Slenderdash offered to act as a shield to prevent further accidental tulpas. RD and I continued our date, which she observed happened in parts.

[KruegerMeister]

10/31/14: Dash got excited that her birthday was coming up. We took a tulpa survey. When it asked what her earliest memory was, she first said racing me home on 11/18/13. Then she said being visually imposed for the first time. Then she said that her earliest memory was being in that void she'd told me about on 8/11/14 and hearing me list her traits to her. She compared this to how a fetus can hear its mother's voice. Dusk Shine called me an asshole for thinking about getting rid of him on 8/23/14, but Rainbow Dash reminded him that, by my philosophy teacher's definition, I wasn't an asshole. She had some trouble answering a question about how it feels to be imposed on my senses, and wondered if it was worth freaking out over. She apparently picked that (wondering if she should freak out, as opposed to just freaking out) up from pointing out when I'm being illogical so much. I started to wonder if I'd parroted some of her and Dusk Shine's answers to the survey, and RD comforted me. I worried if her inability to answer some of the questions (like what being imposed feels like) meant I'd been deluding myself--a sentient being wouldn't need the host to think about that kind of stuff. Slenderdash comforted me...which is what I'd want her to do. Shou used the examples of the Trio's "character arc" and Dusk Shine's existence to tell me that I haven't been deluding myself. RD posited that my freakout was in anticipation of her birthday coming up.

 

[it's not a year of self-delusion, Pet. It's a year of awesome. We've argued; not just that, we've had sex! You can't bang a delusion! And STOP being parrotnoid*!

When you have time, reread your log. You'll see. We're real; we're just not scientifically proven.]

 

*I'd thought that I'd parroted her previous statement.