KM & RD

[KruegerMeister]

11/1/14: Dash suggested that I'd been working too hard on the music video, which could have been a big factor in my freakout.

 

[...Maybe I shouldn't let you paraphrase.]

 

That too.

Dusk Shine said that Dash's idea about my anticipating her birthday was "Very Freudian of you. In other words, bullshit." I decided to go on a short jog, and mimed turning up the volume on a radio to hear Dash's Song. One of the verses is "Do you think we both have a chance?/Can we even get by?/I know the odds are against/We'll make it if we try". Dash said, "We'll never keep trying", but her intention was "We'll never stop trying". She imposed herself behind the counter at the cafeteria "for old times' sake". She suggested that my "doubtsplosion", as she called it, was due to the fact that "I didn't really doubt [her] back when we started. This makes up for it."

 

{Ummm...Dash? What is it with you and Freud? Is this something I should be concerned about?}

 

I normally enter and exit the cafeteria through the side door. Dash said that I should use the front door. We got into a short argument about whether or not it matters if I'm deluding myself into thinking she's sentient.

 

[i'm pretty sure that everyone we've interacted with, on the forums or wherever, would say that I'm sentient. Majority ruling, right there.]

 

When I watched Youtube, RD facehoofed when the video buffered. While rereading my PR log, I came to the conclusion that the fact that the Walter Mitty-Routine is possible proves sentience. The cafeteria has a machine that delivers hot chocolate and coffee. Even though the nozzle was set to "coffee", I pressed the button for hot chocolate. It worked. I think the association between Rainbow Dash and hot chocolate was still strong, because Dash was pretty vocal.

 

[i think that's my coffee! You should try those Trident Orange Swirl things, too!]

 

When we took the same tulpa survey as yesterday, she said that we should stick to not taking it late at night.

 

[it's 11:40 right now. Almost. 11:39.]

 

She danced along to "Shake It Off". I think that my listening to "Awesome As I Wanna Be" helped her sing along in the singing voice she'd chosen for herself. I told her that she could have whatever singing voice she wanted, but she said that "Logic dictates I sing like Andrea Libman Ashleigh Ball. It's 1:40AM; I'm kinda tired."

 

Really?

 

[Dude, it's 1:40AM. Er, 12:40. Daylight Saving's Time's confusing.]

 

She went to sleep in our wonderland bedroom, then woke up after ten minutes.

 

[Polyphasic sleep kicks a**. You know how I'm sentient, Krueger? We have different sleep patterns.]

 

When she scratched Dusk Shine behind his ears, he appeared to be on something.

 

{What? It feels good.}

 

I asked Rainbow Dash if she was okay with me changing her head pressure location back to my right temple. She said she was. I asked if she was using a psychological thing on me.

 

[You wouldn't want me to. That proves I'm sentient. *Deadpan* You dumb*ss. *Sigh* Doubt's a b*tch, Pet.]

 

{In this context, "b*tch" and "Pet" both have the same "emphasis" thing going on, so...I don't really get it.}

 

[it's double the emphasis.]

 

She said that the Dazzlings might be her celebrity crush. When she went to bed, she snuggled with Dusk Shine.

[KruegerMeister]

11/2/14: When I drank hot chocolate, "Sonata Dusk" (Rainbow Dash in disguise) said that it warmed her throat chakra. When I asked why she took that form, she said, "Duh, you're obsessed with 'Battle of the Bands'!" In her normal voice, she said, "I'm just trying to help out. I was kidding about the 'throat chakra' thing."

While reading the "controversial" section of the tulpa subreddit, I wondered why people like controversial things. Dusk Shine said that, "The brain is hardwired for curiosity." Rainbow Dash asked if evolution would've changed that.

 

[if a bush rustles, it could be a tiger about to eat your face.]

 

I was about to type something else she'd said, but she told me that I'd been thinking in her mindvoice. I asked her what doubt "felt" like to her. She compared it to being in the void, which made me feel like maybe creating a wonderland should be the first step of tulpamancy, so that the tulpa's "womb" isn't incredibly hellish.

 

[Well, you watched Fullmetal Alchemist before creating me. Minor spoiler: Al was in the...thing's body.]

 

{He...watched the 2003 version. Your argument (for the "hellish womb" thing) is invalid, Rainbow Dash.}

 

Sometimes, when I walk through the bathroom door, I get an intrusive image of the Nina/Alexander Chimera. Slenderdash suggested that all of my tulpas put themselves in the Chimera's place, to help decondition me. I let RD put me under a hypnotic trance (basic induction, starting with deep breathing). She did a pretty good job improvising. My mouth got dry.

 

[i kind of rehearsed. And also went off Digibrony's Twilight vid.]

 

Dash said that my dry mouth could have been due to the cold temperature in my room. Dusk Shine pretended to bat at my cat with his hoof.

[KruegerMeister]

11/3/14: While I was at a funeral, Dusk, RD, and I contemplated having them record eulogies for me, so that they could leave a mark on the world. When I read the tulpa survey, Dash said that her first emotion had been anxiety about whether or not I'd like her. I speculated this was the cause of situations that ended with me telling her that she isn't obliged to do anything for me.

 

[You're a good therapist.]

 

{This is all very Freudian. Would you like a cigar, Monsieur? :P}

 

[uuuh...Dusk Shine? Freud was German, not French.]

 

{Derp.}

 

[*ROFL*]

 

{"ROFL" or "ROFLcopter"?}

 

[*ROFL*]

 

When I thought about my music video, RD said that I shouldn't try to figure out the choreography--I should just let inspiration hit me.

 

[You're trying too hard.]

 

RD and I tested out the "relaxing trance" trigger. I had a hard time moving. She told me to try to move my arm, and I did.

 

[...Mmmaybe we should add some...cut back on the obedience.]

 

{Unless this is just a semantics issue.}

 

[*scratches head* Say wha?]

 

{I might be biased, Rainbow Dash. I mean, I was created through hypnosis.}

[KruegerMeister]

11/4/14: I woke up at 6:30AM and thought I heard people saying they think I've been talking to someone. RD said that they were talking about the fact that I'd stayed up watching Rainbow Rocks last night. I went back to sleep. Later that day, Dusk Shine said that it could have been a hypnogogic hallucination. When Dash put me under hypnosis, I was too relaxed to move. I let her possess me, and stayed that way for an hour straight. When I had dinner, several girls sat with me. Dusk Shine said that his "indomitable swagger" had attracted them, even though he hadn't possessed me during the whole day. When I watched a video about Chris-Chan, Dash said that the video was "old news". She wanted to watch a video I'd seen before, saying that "There's the memory, and then there's reliving it. It's like the difference between a dream and a lucid dream."

 

{One's "Meh. Kinda cool. Is that a bear turning into a dragon? Meh." The other's "OMGOMGWTFBBQ!!one!"}

 

When I thought about the tulpa music video/song, Dash said that I should "take it from the top".

[KruegerMeister]

11/5/14: When I ate scrabble-themed Cheez-Its, Dusk Shine wondered how they were made. When I reread the tulpa discussion thread on mlpforums.com, specifically this:

The primitive idea of survival that is carried through every single part of the mind, tulpae included.

, RD basically said that, while actions are taken for survival on small scales, they're not on large scales.

 

[it's like quantum stuff. Observing a particle moves it around, but does it move the larger object? Nope! You're just a bunch of cells working together, but you see yourself as something else because your day-to-day scale is bigger than that. I think that my actions are motivated by love and positive stuff, but...for survival, or...self-interest, or something; if you have a reason to kill me, I'm dead.]

 

{Dash? You're in my department.}

 

[Like, my decision to barely react to this and not have a crisis is because I'm self-interested in not having a crisis.]

 

When I browsed Youtube, I saw a video titled "Who Is Best Pony?" Dash said, "We all know I'm best pony. The video's thumbnail is literally me! Er...it's a silhouette of me. Whatever." She laughed when she saw that another video's thumbnail depicted Shining Armor with a pink curler in his mane.

 

[Gender roles? KISS MY FLANK!]

 

{*cheers*}

 

When I wrote "Go Dash!" in Dusk Shine's quote, he confirmed that I was parroting him.

 

{Dick. Didn't we do that "puppet string" thing? Y'know, to prevent this very scenario?}

 

[We...might need to keep that up. Flooding, or...yeah, flooding's probably the best bet. We tulpaforce the strings and Krueger tries to puppet us.]

 

{That...is a good idea, actually.}

 

I briefly left my room and locked them in with their consent (to simulate them being physically real, which I figured would aid imposition). When I got back, I could see patches of individual hairs in Dash's coat. I asked her why she was lavender, and her coat turned back to cerulean. She painted shadows onto herself to reflect the direction/angle of my bedroom light. Dusk Shine popped up behind her and yelled "BOO!"

 

[You're in my department, Dusk Shine!]

 

{Think of it like "payback".}

[KruegerMeister]

11/6/14: I came up with a name for my song: If Knowledge is Power, You're Over 9000. Dash agreed with me that this was lame. I also came up with "Ignorance's Counterspell".

 

[Laaame.]

 

{"Ignorance's Counterspell"...needs work. I do like the Rainbow Rocks reference, though. That was a good flick.}

 

I got the idea to expand our wonderland in such a way that it has "layers", similar to the old "mental safe haven" (which is just this:

)

 

[sorta like Lyoko.]

 

{You know Krueger, from your memories, that show was awesome.}

 

Say what? You can access those?

 

{We can't fuck with them.}

 

[isn't the redesign just the Rule of Cool?]

 

{Well, it's...it's like Cube. Or Submachine--a bunch of tiny rooms. Readers: you should play Submachine. It's great. #ShamelessPlug.}

 

[*ROFL*]

 

When I watched the remake of "Sybil" to get an idea of what misconceptions about multiplicity to address, I got distracted by the set design. Dash told me that I was supposed to be watching for misconceptions. While we watched the film, she vulgarly expressed dislike of Dr. Wilbur. I said that Wilbur seemed pretty evil around 20 minutes into the film.

 

{I think that's a bit of real life--the actress reads "Sybil Exposed" and let's a tiny bit of that into her portrayal.}

 

When Hal (Wilbur's colleague) said that Sybil was experiencing the "woman's problem" of hysteria, Dusk Shine asked, "Is everyone in this film an asshole?" He said that Peggy's freakout about the hands was a bit overdramatic. When Victoria came out, Dash jokingly said that she was going to pick up French. When I got to the scene where Marsha and Vanessa were both painting a picture of a tree, Dash said that it was disturbing.

 

[isn't that exactly your plan to prove tulpaforcing?]

 

I'll try to--hang on, this is like 10/25/14 in reverse.

 

When I got to the scene where Dr. Wilbur met Mr. Dorset, Dusk Shine said that "Mr. Dorset seems really sinister." Rainbow Dash wondered if they used a different actor for Sid.

Shou speculated that having RD hypnotize me to be Keystroke had made the Trio possible. When I thought about our music video, Dusk Shine said that his outfit should be "Nerdy, but awesome."

 

[You're not a nerd, Dusk. Just studious. There's a difference.]

 

{What do you think? Lab coat with fingerless gloves? Maybe...ooh! Multiple wristbands and a hood!}

 

[...Maybe. You can use my sweatshirt if you want.]

 

{Thanks.}

 

[Meh. *shrugs & smirks with closed eyes*]

 

Am I lowering my credibility by including emotes like that?

When I told RD, "Two days from now...happy birthday Rainbow Dash," I got a tingly feeling, which I took to be gratitude/warm fuzzies from RD. She gave me the idea to use my dreams to come up with a song title.

[KruegerMeister]

11/7/14: RD speculated that my occasionally pretending to rant to my parents was a way to get the drama out of my system. We did stuff before this, but I forgot to log it.

 

[*audible facehoof*]

 

When I went on such a rant, RD told me to calm down.

 

[Think you can sublimate it some other way? I don't like seeing you like that; You have paper and colored pencils. I think I've figured out that "Sybil" triggers it; mmmaybe you should take some time off that project.]

 

I watched Neighborhood 3: Requisition of Doom. One of the themes was communication between parents and kids. I wondered if I should tell my parents about my tulpas. When I watched yet another review of Rainbow Rocks, RD asked, "Why are you so obsessed with Rainbow Rocks?" She LOLd when I typed "if" instead of "of". When she tried to figure out the exact time of her creation, Dusk asked if that was really important. When I asked RD about it, she said that she was fine with me using "creation" in that last sentence. When we cuddled (which was really just me cuddling my body pillow while talking to Rainbow Dash), I asked her if it was weirder than a tulpa being imposed into a plushie. She said that people who do the latter are "way out of my league". We went on a mini-date.

[KruegerMeister]

11/8/14: I wished Rainbow Dash a happy birthday. I noticed a hole in one of my shirts. RD said that I could probably sew it back up. When I thought that it would be hard to thread a needle, I got an image of RD doing that, implying that she could do it for me via possession. She sang along to "Tubby Wubby Pony Waifu". I asked her what she wanted to do on her "special day". She said, "If you talk like that, I'll get a big ego. Don't you have homework?"

 

[Rainbow Dash here. I'm possessing him atm. We used a hypnotic trance, and framed the possession as a story. He kind of worried that it'd make him think he was me, but that's..."highly unlikely", to avoid swearing.]

 

I asked for my body back, under my breath, and I felt something lift from my mind. Dusk Shine offered to possess me to help me write a paper.

 

{Ummm...random thought: for Pegasi, we don't really use our wings much.}

 

When I asked RD what she wanted to do today, she said that today's possession "was definitely a step up. I dunno how, but it was." I thought I saw a woman in heels and a minidress outside (I definitely heard the clacking of heels on pavement), but RD pointed out how illogical it was for someone to be dressed like that when it's 50 degrees out.

 

{Hey, do you think we should add weather to our wonderland? It'd give us an excuse to use our wings.}

 

[That girl was...probably a hallucination. It's cold out, she's dressed like that, and she's jogging. In heels. It didn't look like she was going fast enough to generate much body heat.]

 

I worked on an essay in which I had to state my moral position on heterosexism and ableism. I tried having Dusk Shine possess me (because he's studious, and his enthusiasm could help), but he couldn't write much. I became passionate upon realizing something: in the 80's, homosexuality was seen as mental illness, just as multiplicity (e.g., tulpas) is today; I can channel my fervor about giving tulpas a good reputation into the essay. I let Dash give me a post-hypnotic suggestion that when I sit down to write the paper, I'll have that same passion. She assured me that I would remember being given the suggestion.

 

[*in calm voice used during hypnosis* Hypnotic Amnesia's a load of BS, Pet. Example: you can remember the sessions that lead to Keystroke. No offense.]

 

{None taken.}

 

Rainbow Dash speculated that the overall lack of alternate perspectives on things was due to my doubting that she and Dusk Shine have their own memories.

 

[You'll have to not doubt that those memories are legit. Boy, it...seems to me like tulpamancy is the antithesis to critical thinking. Definitely not a good sign.]

 

I thought I'd heard someone whisper my name. I saw Sarah by my bedroom door, with brown hair. After turning her hair blonde, she fired a beam of light from her paw at the direction the voice had come from.

When I reread previous posts/log entries (specifically, when Dash had said my fast-forwarding through FiM's opening was a fear response), I thought about how her capability for cool stuff like that seems to wax/wane based on my trust in my tulpas. RD cracked a "magic of friendship" joke.

[TheSanctuary]

Just a quick line to say I'm still here and loving the updates. Also hi to RD and Dusk Shine! How goes it in his head?

[KruegerMeister]

[Pretty good. He had some doubts, but we got over 'em. Are tulpas the host's subconscious itself, or just a sort of "conduit" to it? Oh, and, also, Dusk Shine's remodeling the wonderland--which we still have to name, Krueger!]

 

You know how you said to let choreography or lyrics come naturally? I'm trying to do that with this.