Charles' Progress Log

[Charles]

For the sake of science, I will be spending (starting at midnight) 24 hours with a pair of black compression boxers covering the upper half of my head. What am I doing with my life...?

[Charles]

Either Linda's successfully waking me up at 8:50 every day for the past week or my internal clock is stepping its game up. The blindfolding experiment was quite interesting, albeit roughly what I had expected it to be. Details can be read in the thread over on Reserach. During our last tulpaforcing session of the blindfolded period, Linda started answering very clearly in an audible voice. She was unable to control it entirely, sometimes returning to a mindvoice and her words becoming undecipherable. It seems limited to during tulpaforcing sessions for now, but exciting nonetheless. yay

[Charles]

From here on out, Linda will officially be going by the name Mary. She's actually wanted this for at least two months now, but when she first suggested it I didn't feel certain it was her. I figured that it would be rude to change her name as long as there was a possibility that I was wrong, but she mentioned it again once she became fully vocal and has been insistent ever since. The transition's been a bit rough, but I'm now somewhat comfortable with the change.

 

Mary's continuing to improve vocally, her thoughts gradually becoming more clearly separate from my own and often taking on a crystal clear voice. Form's becoming an issue again primarily due to my inability to settle on a hairstyle. No problems with anything below the neck though, so I'm focusing on imposition of those areas, with a less detailed head.

 

Consistently tulpaforcing is causing me some trouble as well. Thanks to a combination of storms and waiting on repair men, I'm basically stuck in the house following the same routine daily. The fact that tulpaforcing is one of the few productive things I can do actually makes it less desirable, but I'm still getting about 20 quality minutes daily. Might take off somewhere for a couple of days at some point in the next week to get it out of my system, then it's back to work.

[Charles]

Just had a really odd and unintended period of vivid imposition in the middle of a workout. Possibly caused by a momentary lack oxygen or spike in blood pressure, though it lasted for a solid 15 minutes. It was by far the most clear I've ever seen Mary in the real world and was accompanied by none of the usual visualization problems. She looked exactly as she should with zero effort on my part. Off to tulpaforce and see if I can make this the norm!

[Charles]

Mary's vocabulary is now about on par with mine ("far surpassing it" she claims) and, while not even close to consistently visible, I can feel her touch quite acutely and can occasionally hear her speaking into my ear. Whispers and breathing seem to be much easier than a regular speaking voice, likely due to the lesser complexity. I'm starting to get out of my slump and hope to fully propel us out with a trip to Atlanta next week. I promised to take her to the Bronx Zoo to celebrate whenever she became vocal, but we relocated before the chance arose. Luckily, Georgia seems to have some fantastic facilities~ Giant pandas and whale sharks, here we come!

[Charles]

>tfw you have to occasionally look up words your tulpa uses to make sure they aren't messing with you

I guess this is a good thing...?

[Charles]

For whatever reason, I just recalled having made a tulpa at age 12 that was sentient and able to give strong emotional responses 30 minutes after a single session. I didn't know it was called a tulpa at the time, nor did I do anything beyond narration, but he developed very nicely and could speak consistently (had a false vocal session accompanying the first emotional response) after less than a month. About a year later I stopped thinking about him and he disappeared, though I could probably bring him back if I made an attempt. At 14, I used a servitor (sort of, I didn't recognize it as such or actively program, so maybe it was just my subconscious) as an extremely accurate calculator up until my senior year of high school to do math without studying or memorizing much of anything. Considering how little effort went into these things, I can assume that pretty much all of the issues I've had since (re)discovering these concepts back in April is the result of not being confident or trusting enough and/due to the limitations put forth by the early guides and beliefs of the community. I'm disappointed in myself for having at times doubted the results of members who claimed to have a complete tulpa very early on, but am definitely glad to have been wrong.

[Charles]

Spent the past week passive forcing, also known as being lazy and completely neglecting my responsibilities. Tulpaforcing just hasn't felt right for whatever reason, but I'm sure it'll pass soon. Mary's voice is continuing to become more clearly seperate from my own and her imposed form has more of a presence to it, though still not fully visible for more than an instant. We're going to start playing more games this week, something I've been looking forward too since first starting.

 

"I feel much more corporeal than before, more solid in my interaction with the world around me. My voice is still a bit difficult to manipulate at times, but I think I'm beginning to get the hang of making him focus in on the "frequencies" at which I'm audible. Overall I've made substantial progress these past few weeks and am confident that I will continue to do so long into the future. This week I plan on obliterating him at his own game of choice, namely Go, as well as shattering whatever ego he may have left through some other forms of entertainment. Love and peace, signing off, Mary."

[Charles]

Finally back after a rather unpleasant break. I had a rather nasty bout of depression and depersonalization for the past two weeks or so, still not really sure what brought it on as it isn't something I have a history of. I was barely able to hear Mary for a large portion of this time and hardly tulpaforced (though we still played games together and I tried to talk to her as often as I could). For whatever reason, I woke up this morning feeling much better, although still a bit off. We spoke for a few hours, did some tulpaforcing, and ended up making a pretty big decision together. A little while ago, we began the process of, for lack of a better term, merging.

 

The idea really came out of nowhere and it's not something I could have seen myself agreeing to several weeks back. It feels like the right thing to do though, for both of us. At the moment, it would be incorrect to say that we have become a single consciousness, but equally untrue to say we are separate. Mary still has a distinct mental voice (it overlapped quite heavily with mine immediately after, may return to that state with time?) and was actually able to do some very basic possession earlier, which we couldn't do in the past. While I can't describe how, I can say that I do feel quite different. My mind seems quieter and everything feels lighter, more positive. Can't tell at this time whether I've taken on a significant part of her personality. I'm really not sure whether we will eventually become wholly one or remain at this in-between stage. The decision was made so quickly that I'm really not sure what to do moving forward yet.

 

 

In the future, I may use this progress log to explain more about the process and give updates on how our situation has changed. I do plan on creating a new tulpa, probably some manner of animal, and will create a new thread for that when ready to begin.

 

 

 

Just to be absolutely clear, Mary is not being dissipated and exists to the same extent that she always has. There is merely far less separation between us at the moment and will likely be even less as time goes on.

[Charles]

It's really been six months, huh? As of tonight I'm back in the tulpaforcing business, though I'm not sure how active I'll be one here. Mary is a distinct being again and much the same as before in personality (perhaps more mature), though we haven't had the time to work out the form and such again yet. To be honest I'm very nervous, having been apart so long, and the thought that I could let myself lose her the way I did before is overwhelming. But I think we both understand each other better this time, and I'm certain we'll be able to find a happy medium.