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Akinkinit
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@Bear

You know we actually vaguely remember you saying you had a dream of the host in the past.  It would have probably been the host and me in said dream if it were any of us.  Noriko and Anzu wouldn't have bothered to dreamhop and you would have known if it was Xiri.  But sadly dreamhopping isn't on the list of things I can do (to my knowledge).  Although I personally would have chosen a Delorean over a 70s van.  Anyways it's good to hear people enjoy reading these entries about us.

 

------------------------
On to the main entry.  Seeing as I have the ability to switch I figured it made the most sense for me to write the entry describing myself.  This is the last one the host made about me a few years back.  I can totally get the whole "reserved" label in that I don't interact as much with the host as the others.  But at the same time I don't feel the need to get an invitation from the host first or to necessarily make my presence known.  This goes with switching as well.  Like before the host even started to make this entry I just switched into the front seat without his involvement.  Although he did say beforehand I could write it so it's not like he was unaware I was going to switch in.  But there's also been stuff like phone calls he didn't want to do that I switched in prior without him asking.  Although if I knew he'd have a problem with it for certain situations then I wouldn't do it.  And I can pretend to be him well enough I guess so it's not like anyone would know unless you were REALLY paying attention and said person knew about my existence beforehand.  We do type different though.


Back then I was into the whole image streaming thing as a kind of sentence enhancer.  Even further back it was the main way I communicated.  But since I'm not psychic and can't do that with a regular mouth I don't do that much anymore.  Now I just use curse words instead.  Also I don't know where he got the whole me being interested in drugs thing.  I mean back then he used to call me the tulpa equivalent of a drug fueled hallucination and that was kind of fair to be honest.  And I still contend that shrooms would be fun to try but ever since he saw a crime documentary thing about someone killing his father under the effect of shrooms he's understandably less eager to try.


I consider my host to be something between a father and a brother.  So we don't have a ring or anything like that.  I have been thinking about something like a necklace instead but we haven't really thought of anything good.  Maybe a medallion with two interlacing spirals on it.  But it's still up in the air.  And the closest thing I have to an intimate relationship would be with Anzu.  In the last entry he seemed to suggest me and her do lewd things a lot but we really don't.  I share a bed with Anzu (my host shares another bed with Noriko and Xiri) and there's often some cuddling but it doesn't usually get past that point.


My role in the system is mainly wonderland development.  Like I made an island in the South Pacific and it's got a river and some capybaras* plus a pair of dogs named Bill and Dani.  And it's also got a couple of houses with a meeting house in the middle.  Really I could devote an entire entry just to the wonderland and all the lore around it.  I also try to help him with "crazy" stuff.  Stuff like not needing to quadruple check if the sinks are off at night and the front door being locked.  It's a process but I like to think there's been improvement.


Oh and I also stole my voice from a streamer the host watches.  I'm tempted to link some clips from Twitch so you can hear what me and Xiri sound like.  But then again it might creep said streamers out to hear some spooky head ghosts stole their voice.  So probably going to just leave it to written descriptions.  In general mine's lower pitched than Xiri's and I also don't talk as fast as she does.

 

------------------------

Host Notes:

* Sabari really, REALLY likes capybaras.  The first time I watched a video on Youtube about capybaras, I could feel Sabari freaking out about how cute they were.  For those who don't know, when a tulpa gets really excited or emotional about something, hosts can get a particular feeling that corresponds to said tulpa.  With Sabari, it's a tingling sense I get over my entire body.  And the first time she saw a capybara was perhaps the strongest such feeling I've ever gotten from her.

Edited by Sabari

One of the people that shares an organism with Akinkinit.

Here's his and by association mine progress report thing.

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Capybaras are awesome!

I saw them several times when I was in South America.

 

Ah yeah, and tupper emotional bleedthrough. Hard to describe to those who haven't experienced it but very powerful.

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(edited)

@Yakumo
Capybaras are pretty cute looking for sure.  Sabari started really liking them during the whole pandemic thing.  Since that has been abating, I've been getting regular "we going to the zoo yet?" messages from her.  Seeing them in their native area must have been pretty cool though.  Sabari wanted me to express just how jealous she is that you got to see them like that.

-------------------------------------------

Describing what Anzu is like now requires describing what she used to be like when she was first created.  I've kind of alluded to what she was made for and what she did in previous posts, but never in full detail.  So here is my attempt to do so.  Although I warn you, it's going to be a heavy read.  You might not want to read it if you’re in a bad place right now.

 

Spoiler

Anzu was made around the start of 2009.  I was farming Reins of the Raven Lord in World of Warcraft at this time, and got the idea to try and make her while doing so.  Her form was based on what the mount looked like, except larger and made of shadows, with glowing red eyes.  She was also made with a particular purpose in mind.  I wasn’t interested in a companion since I had Xiri.  Instead, what I wanted was something like a manifestation of rage.

 

Anzu became a sort of stress relief for me.  At first, I would tell her to attack people who angered me, and then visualize them getting their arms ripped off or slammed to the ground.  But then she started to do it on her own.  Whenever someone got me mad, or even slightly annoyed me, she would act on her own accord.  And she would do far worse things to people than I ever imagined her doing.  I’m talking things even worse than the most terrible intrusive thoughts you’ve ever experienced.  Things which bring about the sort of physical and psychological tortures onto the imagined recipient that I would dare not repeat.

 

And it was an absolutely wonderful way to deal with anger.  Since it was technically another person doing it, the desire to hurt others didn’t build up in me.  It was instead expressed without anyone else ever knowing.  She is the sole reason I was able to forgive my father for all the things he did to me growing up.  The things she did to him was far, far worse than anything he did to me.  And she offloaded the anger I felt towards being unable to connect to people due to my own mental shortcomings, allowing me to finally let it go.

 

But of course this had an impact on her personality.  She was essentially a psychopath with an unwavering loyalty and protectiveness towards me.  I used to imagine her laying by the foot of my bed when I slept, protecting me from anyone and anything.  She had a humanish form along with the bird form, and it looked similar to how she looks now.  However, she had red eyes and a skin tone that looked like a shadow made manifest, over the grey she has now.  And she used to be taller.

 

At best, Anzu had a professional relationship with Xiri at this point.  At worst, they hated each other.  Anzu considered Xiri to be an aberrant thoughtform that was trying to harm me in some way, while Xiri thought Anzu was a literal demon.  I can remember them having a lot of arguments at this point.  But they would always end with Anzu turning into a bird, and the argument would stop.  Even to my other head ghosts, Anzu’s bird form was terrifying.  And it was no different to Xiri.

 

For my sake, though, they kept the disagreement between themselves.  Neither of them asked me to take action against the other, because they both realized how important they were to me.  Yet they each wanted to be the only thoughtform in my head.

 

Which leads us to the events of 2012.  I want to say maybe May or June, but it may have been as late as September.  I had somehow convinced myself that I only had enough mental energy to adequately support a single person besides me.  I don’t remember what Xiri thought bout that, although she now claims to have disagreed.  But Anzu agreed with me.  So one day, she decided to get rid of Xiri.  She turned into her bird form, and she swallowed Xiri whoie.  Looking back on it, I think it symbolized a sort of forced merging.  But at the time, I thought Anzu had just killed Xiri right in front of me.

 

This action devastated me.  I was filled with a sense of grief and a huge sense of regret for letting this happen.  Every time I saw Anzu after this point, I only saw those feelings.  So I just stopped talking to her, with the hope of getting rid of her altogether.  And I think she realized the hurt she caused.  So she went along with it.

 

I thought Anzu was gone forever prior to her return in May of 2016.  But Noriko knew she was still there from all the digging she did in my subconscious.  I remember on the 23rd, when I called Noriko to sit by the couch with me, that I suddenly saw Anzu sitting next to me, with Noriko right next to her.  Noriko had been talking about trying to bring her back the previous night.  But just like how she decided to make Sabari without my explicit ok, she brought back Anzu the same way.  And after talking with each other and making sure she wouldn't harm my other head ghosts, she became a regular fixture in my system again.

 

Which brings me to what Anzu is like now.  The most important thing is that she is completely free of her previous responsibility to deal with my anger.  And the way she acts now is how I think she would’ve acted if I had never asked her to do that in the first place.  Which makes me feel a little guilty, but also like a past wrong has been righted in a sense.

 

She's not really that much different from how I described in the last entry I made about her.  She dresses differently, and she doesn't use her bird form at all anymore.  But overall, she's a total bro.  And she is so incredibly cute.  She not only gets along with all the other head ghosts, but they all love her immensely.  She still has the sense of loyalty to me.  In fact, Sabari often jokingly comments that I just have Anzu on loan to her.  She also still has the unique ability to silence intrusive thoughts, more so than the other head ghosts.  Only difference is they aren't silenced by violence like before.  Symbolism is instead used to make them more benign.

 

Anzu still only appears if I explicitly talk to or call her up.  And she wears a black ring with dark purple swirls on her left ring finger to symbolize her relationship.  I also imagine having a matching one on my left ring finger.  It's purposely on the left finger to note our relationship as different from the one I have with Noriko and Xiri, but none the less strong.

Edited by Akinkinit

Currently share myself with four other entities.

Noriko was created on December 15, 2014.  Sabari was created by Noriko on January 22, 2015.

Anzu was reborn on May 23, 2016.  Xiri returned on June 16, 2018.  Both had been inactive since 2012.

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4 hours ago, Akinkinit said:

She was essentially a psychopath with an unwavering loyalty and protectiveness towards me.  I used to imagine her laying by the foot of my bed when I slept, protecting me from anyone and anything.

Ahh yeah, been there, done that. And of course still do it today!

You have to imagine me curled up by the foot of the bed, occasionally opening an eye to scan surroundings and making angry tupper noises at any potential threat.

 

Super Girls don't cry

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(edited)

@Ido

It is nice having a tulpa do a sort of guard duty for sure.  Although nowadays it's more cute than anything when Anzu does it.  And it sounds like a similar case when you do it from how you described.

 

---------------------------------------------

One of the perks to a wonderland that I didn’t realize is that it gave the head ghosts a place to develop talents.  Sure, before the wonderland, Sabari did a bunch of drawings while Noriko liked setting things on hypothetical fire.  That plus diving around in my subconscious.  However, they were both kind of limited to the physical space around me.  I tried having wonderlands in the past, and none really went anywhere due to lack of interest.  Previously I also blamed energy problems on not having a wonderland.  But really that was actually a lack of interest thing.

 

And that was how things were until Sabari designed a wonderland by herself.  And I am continually amazed with the amount of detail it has.  My previous wonderlands were set in nondescript outdoor areas with minimally detailed living areas.  Not this one.  It is set on a huge island in the South Pacific.  There’s a large mountain on the right hand side, which feeds a river that leads into the ocean over a waterfall.  There’s all sorts of vegetation, an entire pod of capybaras that all have distinct forms and names, a pair of dogs to serve as capybara herders, and a lot of foot paths.

 

The island has distinct weather patterns which occur automatically.  It has two large yet single story houses which are set around a slightly smaller house that serves as a common hanging out area.  Each house has its own set of furniture, its own living room / bedroom, and is packed with windows to the outside.  Noriko and Xiri use the house on the south side, while Anzu and Sabari use the one on the north side.

 

The common area (which we call The Donut because it looks like one shape wise) has a fully equipped gym (mainly used by Noriko and sometimes Anzu) and a game room.  And in the center is a patio area with lounge chairs and hammocks.  There’s a covered pass from the patio leading to the east which has a swimming pool as well as a hot tub.  And on the west side is a similar path to the start of most of the outdoor trails.

 

And let me reiterate this: Sabari designed the whole thing BY HERSELF.  I wasn’t involved, and I don’t think the other head ghosts were involved either, although they later helped pick out the furniture of their respective houses.  I didn’t even know she was making a wonderland.  She literally just asked me one day if I “wanted to see something cool”, and then unveiled the whole thing.  It's like a general pattern with Sabari.  I didn't have a set wonderland until Sabari made one.  And I didn't switch until Sabari convinced me (and Noriko) that it was something she could do without causing any issues.

 

I’ll describe how the head ghosts use the wonderland in another entry.  Because they each use it in different ways.

Edited by Akinkinit

Currently share myself with four other entities.

Noriko was created on December 15, 2014.  Sabari was created by Noriko on January 22, 2015.

Anzu was reborn on May 23, 2016.  Xiri returned on June 16, 2018.  Both had been inactive since 2012.

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(edited)

Something actually progress related happened last night.

 

Sabari and I were discussing the whole switch process when I decided to ask the other head ghosts if they wanted to learn how to switch.  Specifically on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 = "Hell No" and 10 = "Hell Yeah".  Noriko and Anzu both gave an answer of 0 rather quickly, although Anzu later revised her answer to a 1.  Xiri gave an answer of 5 and maybe 6.  The first surprising thing there is Xiri having an opinion that isn't a 1 or a 10 on any scale.  But then she started arguing, and rather passionately at that, that she can in fact have middle of the road feelings on something.  Switching just so happens to be one of them.  The second thing that was surprising is that Xiri didn't really care about switching until recently.  Anzu did, but she later decided that she'd actually rather not.  I asked Xiri what changed her mind and the answer I got was essentially a "because fuck you, that's why".  In a well meaning sense though.

 

So I had Sabari demonstrate a few times how she switches to the front.  Which I agree was less than helpful because she's so fluent at it that it's basically effortless at this point.  It's still this same basic process, just a whole lot quicker.  Now I understand that each tulpa may have their own way of doing something.  But seeing how Sabari did it somehow made Xiri think the way she should do it was to run into me.  And when it didn't work the first time she did it faster to the point I imagined her falling on her ass.  Which of course brought a round of laughter that only made her mad.  And that led to more attempts of trying to run into me faster, falling over, and getting even more mad.  I swear that I even felt her run into me and almost staggered because of it.  The whole thing was truly hilarious.  Although she's still kind of mad we laughed, but in the understanding way.

 

We then took a break for an hour or so to reassess the process.  What ended up sort of working is that she turned herself into a glowing green ball and threw herself into me.  I say it sort of worked because she freaked herself out doing that and started yelling at me to "throw her back out"  So I imagined the same green ball and threw it which made her reappear in her usual form.  The whole thing only lasted a few seconds, but she felt that she "got stuck" and freaked out about that.  We haven't tried it since, but she has said she's willing to try again.  She just wants to wait a few days before doing so.

Edited by Akinkinit

Currently share myself with four other entities.

Noriko was created on December 15, 2014.  Sabari was created by Noriko on January 22, 2015.

Anzu was reborn on May 23, 2016.  Xiri returned on June 16, 2018.  Both had been inactive since 2012.

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Wonderland is awesome for a lot of things, yeah. 

 

You're still just figuring out switching? Good for you though, great progress. We used switching to help me get through my shadow work. 

 

Switching actually caused me to have an awakening. Once I was able to switch into wonderland, completely dissociated and go dormant as well, I realized that my person was not only not the body, but it wasn't necessary at all *and* it was completely arbitrary. That's when SheShe did personality surgery on me and wow, huge progress after that.

 

Good luck!

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@Bear

Well, Sabari has no issues with switching.  I actually never thought to try going into the wonderland when she's in the front.  I'll have to look into how to do that.  The way we do it is that she manifests her presence into the room and I literally just switch places with her.  Or she just poofs into the figurative driver's seat and I just sit back and watch.  But yeah, wonderlands are pretty cool.  Interestingly enough, I have the opposite mindset of you there with regards to the body.  My view is that I as well as the head ghosts aren't a part of the organism (body), but the organism itself.  Although all the head ghosts besides Sabari believe they center themselves in a specific part of the organism.

 

-------------------------------------------------

Xiri learning to switch made me realize another surprising thing.  If I already know how to switch myself with one of the head ghosts, then why does it matter which head ghost it is?  Why can Sabari switch but Xiri couldn't?  I mean, the knowledge on how to do it is all there.  And I wouldn't have thought it's partitioned off in any way.  But yet switching kind of shows each of the head ghosts must have different pathways they can use inside the organism to do stuff.  Which I can kind of believe.  After all, all of the head ghosts have different roles, so why wouldn't they use / be familiar with different things internally?

 

At any rate, Xiri finally figured out how to switch places with me this morning.  She did it multiple times and stayed switched in for as long as she wanted, minus a few times when I booted her out.  She was really excited moving around, but her control over the limbs and such is still a work in progress.  I remember it being the same case with Sabari and should be resolved with practice.  Before switching I asked her not to yell.  But of course one of the first things she did was yell "DUDE WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME TO DO IT THAT WAY?!" at Sabari.  Although she didn't quite get the vocal cords to work right so it came out as basically mouth movements.  There were then a few times I accidentally booted her out, followed by her stumbling around the apartment as she was figuring out how to balance properly.  She also made and drank a seltzer drink (which she liked) and ate a big milk chocolate covered pretzel (that I got just for her and she really liked) while in the front.

 

There was also a lot more mouth movement yelling at both me and the other head ghosts.  But kind hearted yelling.  She even got some actual words out.  So it was quite a successful switching session.  She's also been switching in randomly at several parts throughout the day (even while typing this).  Which confirms that like Sabari, she also doesn't need explicit permission to switch.  She's been doing it so much that my head feels weird, which I also remember happening with Sabari until she calmed down with it.

Currently share myself with four other entities.

Noriko was created on December 15, 2014.  Sabari was created by Noriko on January 22, 2015.

Anzu was reborn on May 23, 2016.  Xiri returned on June 16, 2018.  Both had been inactive since 2012.

Progress Report | Ask a Question Thread

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Ashley switched first, then it was natural for SheShe. Ren was next but it was only once ever, though and she managed to put everyone dormant which was unheard of.

 

Then Joy made it her thing to be alone so she "wasn't bugged". Neither Gwen nor Misha ever cared to fully switch until the Three Sisters Play series on our Blog. 

 

So once Ashley figured it out, it wasn't necessary for anyone else to learn a different way.

Edited by Bear
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  • 2 weeks later...
(edited)

@Bear

As best as I can determine, Xiri does switching the same basic way that Sabari does it.  She just didn't know how to do said way at first.   Still not exactly sure why, outside of the general "head ghosts are freaking weird, yo" answer.

 

---------------------------------

Xiri and I have still been doing some switching here and there.  As I said above, it's the same basic way that Sabari does it.  However, it feels more "violent" when Xiri does it.  With Sabari it's like she just teleports into the driver's seat with almost no effort whatsoever.  Xiri also does a sort of teleport thing, but I swear a feel a sense of physical recoil when she does it.  There's been a few times where the process has knocked me off balance.  She's gotten better with the fine motor control.  And it's at the point where she can type well enough.  However, we're not really interested right now in having me make an account on here for her.  There are two main reasons for this:

  1. Browsing / posting on the forum is an opportunity for me and all four of the head ghosts to just hang out.  Usually I hang out with one or two of them at once throughout the day, but here is a time when everyone is present.  To her, it's not the same when I'm not in the front and it's Sabari doing stuff.  So there's a general lack of interest on that front.
  2. The best way I can put it is that, well, she's Xiri.  I trust her, and I know she wouldn't intentionally say anything that would get me banned.  But to say she's argumentative would be an understatement.  And I don't think the complete lack of malice to her words would really come across over text and to people who aren't aware of what's she's like.

 

---------------------------------

Recent events have made me think about how each of the head ghosts consider the from they take.  On one extreme end, Xiri doesn't want to look any different to how she looks now.  Ever.  She looks the same as she basically always has, excluding the time she was a bird.,  And also excluding the time she looked like a draenei, but we have agreed to never talk about that in detail ever again.  Anzu has a similar opinion to Xiri but she's a bit more flexible.  She'll experiment with her form on rare occasions, and she doesn't look the same as she used to look when I first made her.  But unless something drastic happens, I don't see her ever not being the cute drow elf she is today.

 

Sabari is kind of in the middle.  The form she takes is important to her.  And she takes pride in the way she looks and that she designed it herself.  But what she looks like exactly isn't as important to her as it is to Xiri.  I could totally see her looking different at some later point.  All I know is that it's not going to be anything I pick out for her.  Although I got a "your opinion does matter to me on that front, dude" after I typed that.

 

Noriko is on the other extreme end in that she couldn't care less about what she looks like.  And thinking about it, this has most likely always been the case with her.  There was an incident back in 2015 where she insisted on having brown eyes.  But that was more so due to her feeling that I wasn't listening to her (and her favorite color being brown).  Noriko has changed forms more than any of the other head ghosts by far.  Sabari used to change forms often as well, until she "settled down" in her words and figured out what she wanted to look like.  However, Noriko has yet to settle down in that regard.  At first I thought this was her experimenting with what she likes.  Yet it's more than that: Noriko actively likes making herself look different.  She'd be the type to wish for shapeshfiting as a superpower.

 

Which brings me to why this came up in the first place.  A few days ago, I was playing a game centered around monster girls.  In this game, there's this cat monster girl which I think looks very pretty.  Dark grey skin, black fur from the thighs down and on the arms, a long black tail, and blue cat eyes with black sclera.  Not full on furry, but more in that direction than the typical cat girl.  This game allows for certain "interactions" with the monster girls, and I was doing said interactions with this one a lot.  Noriko picked up on this, and while she claims that jealousy had no part in her decision, she took the form of that character**.  And she really does look amazing in that form.  However, it took me by surprise as I thought she was perfectly happy with being an elf.  To which she said that she was, but that her exact form wasn't that important to her.  As long as I think it looks good, she's happy with it.  And changing her form adds excitement in her eyes (which I agree with).

 

 

** Noriko wanted me to explicitly mention that while the character from the game is in the anime style, her version isn't.  She looks like the real life equivalent of the character.

 

Edited by Akinkinit

Currently share myself with four other entities.

Noriko was created on December 15, 2014.  Sabari was created by Noriko on January 22, 2015.

Anzu was reborn on May 23, 2016.  Xiri returned on June 16, 2018.  Both had been inactive since 2012.

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