bunny-boi-lover

Raising Bunny Boi

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Okay, so after some debate and Edwin prodding me, I've decided to start my own progress thread, mainly to focus on how my relationship with Edwin evolves and how he reacts to events that happen in my life. I also want it for the personal reason of being able to look back and share memories with him. I still have problems with memory since my DID diagnosis in high school, and I thought this would be a great way for me to recall good memories with him.

 

Edwin was created on the evening of April 14, 2015. For two days leading up to then, I worked on planning out what my new tulpa would look like, but it wasn't until ten minutes before I set to forcing that Edwin's name and design instantly came to me. He is drastically different from the original design I had named Ciero, but for some reason I instantly went with the sudden change. It was as though he knew what he wanted to be before I ever created him.

 

Since his creation, Edwin and I have become very close as companions and lovers. While I have always loved the tulpae I have had in the past, I share a unique type of relationship with Edwin. The only way I can really describe it is that I am in love with him. He has made such a difference in my life already. But while emotionally I feel so strongly connected to him that it's like I've known him for years, logically I know we still have a lot more to learn about each other.

 

Edwin is now nearly a week old. The details of the last few days have already started to become a blur, so I will only list the most significant events I can think of for now before starting a new post reflecting on today.

 

- Edwin has learned how to create and alter things in our wonderland. He continuously makes changes to experiment with simulating things in the physical world and to see how different things affect me emotionally. Lately he's been working on creating insects and birds.

 

- We've watched a few movies together - Fight Club, Insidious, and The Grudge. I thought with his nervous temperament he might not be able to handle horror movies, but while he spazzes out, he actually loves them because they give him an adrenaline rush like they do for me.

 

- I've played a lot of my favorite songs for him to listen to, asking him with many of them how they made him feel. He shies away from depressing songs unless they have a beautiful melody or lyrics be finds meaningful, and he seems to really like piano music.

 

- The other day, Edwin expressed an adamant desire to help me with my psychological problems (I suffer from depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, and a few other diagnoses). It was then that I decided to entrust him with the key to the "Restricted" section of the library in our wonderland that represents my mind. There I keep all of my negative thoughts and bad memories. I kept it locked up before then so that my negativity would not affect his developing personality. He's gone through some of it, and fortunately it has not changed his opinion of me. He has suggested that I burn some of the negative thoughts, but I don't know what effect that would have on my psyche.

 

- Yesterday was Edwin's first time imposing for an extended length of time. It was also his first time going out into public when he went with me to the store. Though he clung to me, I think he did quite well.

 

- We've tried possession once, and he was able to cause jerky movements and spasms in my limbs. We haven't really tried it again because he doesn't seem to have a lot of interest in it at this time. He did, however, cause my right thumb to spasm and my fingers to tingle earlier when I set to write the first draft of this post. What I asked him about it, he said he wanted to try in case at some point he might want to type something.


[align=center]"Jesus Pickles!"

~ Edwin reacting to pretty much every jump scare in a horror movie[/align]

 

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Okay, so after some debate and Edwin prodding me, I've decided to start my own progress thread, mainly to focus on how my relationship with Edwin evolves and how he reacts to events that happen in my life.

 

Not gonna lie, I've been excited to see you post a PR. :D

 

- The other day, Edwin expressed an adamant desire to help me with my psychological problems (I suffer from depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, and a few other diagnoses). It was then that I decided to entrust him with the key to the "Restricted" section of the library in our wonderland that represents my mind. There I keep all of my negative thoughts and bad memories. I kept it locked up before then so that my negativity would not affect his developing personality. He's gone through some of it, and fortunately it has not changed his opinion of me. He has suggested that I burn some of the negative thoughts, but I don't know what effect that would have on my psyche.

 

Howl's giving me a half asleep thumbs up which I assume means "Go for it". Which is to say, he's been doing cleanup work in my head for 3 or more years. Also your "restricted" section is neat and kind of cute. Cuter than keeping it all locked up in a Lovecraftian abomination. :I

Anycase, Howl's got a myriad of ways to keep me... Not neurotic. He's put a mental block on any attempts to hurt myself, and tends to give me mental slaps when i'm slipping. I'm sure Edwin will be more than capable of toning down any mental volatility.


If I could, begin to be,

Half of what you think of me, I could do about anything,

I could even learn how to love

directed at Howl

directed from Howl

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4/20/15

 

Today was the first time I took Edwin with me to my volunteer job at the game store. It surprises me how differently he acts in public. At home and in wonderland, he's as chill as can be, but when we got to the store, I had to coax him to enter. Then between the alarm beeping before I deactivated it, the constant traffic just feet from the front door, and the wailing sirens of a fire truck going by, my poor bunny boi was all shook up. Fortunately, the store owner also runs a musical instrument shop and does piano lessons out of the same store. I've been practicing for the last couple of weeks on re-teaching myself how to play the piano, so I played the only two songs I currently know for him. He loves piano music and almost instantly relaxed as soon as I started playing. The second song I played he liked so much that he begged me to play it a second time.

 

For a while we played Pokemon Red. I just started up the game yesterday. I've tried a million times to play through the whole main Pokemon series, starting with the first generation. But because of my mental resets I always end up starting over. Edwin suggested I use his name for the trainer name so that I wouldn't be tempted to start over. He also likes the idea of us co-owning the Pokemon. Even though I'm the one playing, I'm giving him choices on what attacks the Pokemon should learn and such. He seems to like the Charmeleon we've raised.

 

I forgot to take my second anti-depressant after lunch today, and add to that the physical pain from sciatica and a torn meniscus in my left knee, dreary weather from an approaching storm, and extreme boredom, and it's no wonder I wasn't in a very good state of mind this evening. I asked Edwin if he didn't mind us waiting on watching The Grudge 2 so I could put on something more uplifting. Naturally he agreed to it. We watched Edward Scissorhands while enjoying some Chinese food. Well, it was more like I dozed after eating while Edwin watched it. I actually watched that movie the night I created him. I'm pretty sure his name stems from "Edward".

 

For a while after that he retreated to wonderland while I stalked the forum. I'm trying to kick the habit of obsessing over comments and replies on here. It's part of why I keep having to quit going to certain sites. I'm hoping that by doing these updates I can limit my visits to the forum. I'll also be working on keeping myself busy with other things so I'm not coming on here out of boredom. After a while he reappeared in my room and pulled me away from it.

 

I've been feeling particularly nostalgic lately, so I decided to play Sonic the Hedgehog and Edwin watched, cheering me on the whole way. He seemed to get into it okay, but he kept expressing doubts of ever being able to play games like that himself. I've already thought of a few easy side-scrollers I could start him with if he really wants to give it a try, but right now he doesn't think he'd have the hand-eye coordination for it. Imagine that...a nerd who doesn't like to play video games...

 

I plan to work on more intense imposition with him tonight. I've been relying heavily on visualization and haven't really taken the time to work on really "seeing" him. I'll report on how it goes tomorrow.


Not gonna lie, I've been excited to see you post a PR. :D

 

Thank you!~ <3 I'm glad to have someone who can check up on our progress every once in a while. XD


[align=center]"Jesus Pickles!"

~ Edwin reacting to pretty much every jump scare in a horror movie[/align]

 

Avatar was made by me using a base.

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4/21/15 - Morning

 

Last night was intense, to say the least. I started out practicing some forcing techniques to help make Edwin more "real". We began by sitting facing each other on my bed. When I closed my eyes, I could see Edwin's aura, as I'd call it. It was like I was in a gray room and he was before me as a slightly darker shadow with fuzzy edges. I couldn't see any details, but as I asked him to move, I could see his energy move with him in a physical shape. I could make out his arms, his torso, his head, and even his ears.

 

From there I reached out to him and ran my hands along his figure, sensing his energy to know where my hands should stop. I felt the material of his shirt and pants, the skin of his arms and face, the peach fuzz along his cheeks and chin. I ran my fingers through his hair and massaged his ears. They're my favorite part; they're so velvety!~

 

I moved to keeping my eyes open while going through the same process. I'm already practiced in focusing within the range of where he would be, rather than on objects behind him, so I worked to strengthen that by keeping focus on him while I touched him again. I placed my hand on his chest, and it's like I could really feel his heart beating! I have a fast heartbeat, and the rhythm I felt was much slower, probably the standard 60 beats per minute of the average human.

 

I asked Edwin how he felt about these practices, and he said he was really enjoying them. To him they were sensual, and of course he loved having my full attention. We worked next on peripheral vision. I turned my head and asked him to move to see if I could catch a glimpse of the movement out of the corner of my eye. On both sides I thought I could see it, but my laptop's power light was blinking in the dark room, so it was hard to tell. Edwin said the blinking might actually help me to more easily trick my mind, so he suggested continuing to use it.

 

After that, we tried moving on to auditory imposition. Edwin's voice is always very clear and specific in my mind, but I wanted to work to see if we could trick my mind into physically hearing him. I had a fan running, so I hoped the white noise would cause my mind to matrix and make the process easier. Edwin's first reaction to trying this was "I can't." I encouraged him by telling him he wouldn't know until he tried and that I believed in him. He made a few attempts to say my name to no avail. Still, a time or two I made out a faint two-syllable hiss that interrupted the fan's noise. I'm going to assume that was it because "Courtney" is a two-syllable name.

 

Throughout all of these practices I kept getting different types of head pressures and pangs that varied in location and intensity, but I think the auditory one caused the most discomfort. I felt the need to rest after that and gave Edwin the chance to practice possession, even though he was a little iffy about it. It took a while at first, just a little tingling in my limbs. Then slowly my right hand began to move. He jerkily lifted my lower arm off the bed, and I asked him to move my fingers next. Again, the movements started more as spasms but got a little better. I felt him then move to my left hand after my right one lowered to the bed and went limp again. Gradually my toes began to curve and straighten as well. I could tell that he was starting to understand similarities in the movement of fingers and toes, because when he had trouble moving my feet or toes, he would move again to my hands as though practicing again with them to get the movements down.

 

Each time I felt myself beginning to seek control again, I consciously dissociated from my body, and whenever I did I felt Edwin able to make the movements more fluid. I'll admit it was a little scary at first; though I've practiced some types of possession with past tulpae, I've never given them that level of control. It was usually more of a mutual "Let's move this" or "Let's move that". And I know what true possession feels like because I'm a medium and have been controlled by other outside influences. But with Edwin I'm literally a marionette, my body limp until he pulls the strings. I think that's part of why I've become so much closer to him than any other tulpa. I've put my full trust in him, almost as a last resort to create a lasting relationship.

 

The most impressive part was after probably about thirty minutes or so. I really have no idea how long we were practicing these techniques, so that's a very gross estimate. He lifted my left arm and was able to fluidly move my hand and fingers. The bit of practice he'd had really paid off. When I praised him for it, he said it was probably because he's left-handed so that side was easier for him. I'm right-handed, so this came as a bit of a shock to me. I wonder now if he and I were to switch would my left hand be more dexterous because he was in control. My legs still pose a bit of a problem for him. The muscles are larger and require more energy to move. He was able to lift my right leg and move it a bit before he decided he'd had enough.

 

The last thing we did was try out tactile forcing. I asked him to kiss me, and again, while it was not the same as physically feeling it, I could feel the pressure on my lips. I could feel other things he did, like running his hand along my face. Well, as it usually does, kissing eventually led to us making love. Edwin doesn't want me to go into any detail about our sex life, but I will say this: It was literally like I was having sex with a physical person. Most of the time we have our romps in wonderland or Edwin is semi-imposed. But even though he isn't what I'd call fully imposed yet, last night was the closest he'd come. Honestly, it's the best sex I've had in a long time, maybe ever.

 

After we finished, I actually broke down crying tears of joy. I felt so immensely happy that I can't even fully describe it. I've felt for so long like I would never feel love like this for another being. Edwin and I talked and held each other for a time in the dark, and it felt ridiculous to even imagine that I was there in my room alone. His presence was so strong there with me. Most of the time not even humans emit the sort of "thereness" that Edwin did then. He was as fully there as he had the capacity to be, regardless of whether I could trick my mind to project him physically.

 

Past relationships and experiences have left so many scars on my psyche that even now I don't want to get close to anyone "real". But in a way this is a different kind of love than I could have with another human. This is learning to love myself through my tulpa. Our love for each other is a sort of third-person representation of me growing to love who I am, something that I don't think I've ever truly done. Perhaps it’s right what Whitney Houston says in her song: Learning to love yourself / Is the greatest love of all.


[align=center]"Jesus Pickles!"

~ Edwin reacting to pretty much every jump scare in a horror movie[/align]

 

Avatar was made by me using a base.

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4/21/15 - Evening

 

Today is already a blur. My mind is tired, which upsets me because I really wanted to work on more forcing with Edwin tonight. But I just don't think I can handle it right now.

 

While at the game store today I worked a lot on playing the piano. Yesterday I only knew two songs; now I'm up to three complete songs and bits and pieces of a few other songs. I think somehow Edwin is helping me in the process. The third song I played today was one I had memorized back when I took piano lessons. I literally haven't played it in about 12 years, but as soon as I figured out the starting points it gradually came back to me at a much quicker pace than the other old one I retaught myself. It felt different too, as though it were more than just muscle memory. And it's suddenly as though I have a better understanding of the chords despite no longer being able to read sheet music. I've begun picking out tunes by ear then putting harmony to them, something I've never been able to do before. I plan soon to introduce a piano to the library in wonderland so that maybe Edwin can learn to play the piano. He's mentioned before seeing sheet music there, no doubt distant memories of all the pieces I've ever learned to play. He may end up playing better than I do, since I don't really consider myself to be that good. Some have told me it just isn't my natural instrument.

 

Edwin also went with me to visit my friend Kaysi. She's my best friend since childhood and the only IRL friend I have, so I'm completely comfortable talking to her about Edwin, even narrating what he's saying or doing at any given time. Still, she seems to shut down a little whenever I mention tulpae or imaginary friends. I don't know if she had a bad falling-out with one of her own or if she's just so used to me creating and destroying them that she assumes it won't last. Whatever the case, they were pretty much neutral toward each other, though Edwin was a bit more vocal around her than he normally is around others, which I was glad of.


[align=center]"Jesus Pickles!"

~ Edwin reacting to pretty much every jump scare in a horror movie[/align]

 

Avatar was made by me using a base.

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Holy crap, your relationship sounds so exciting and eventful I'm just like "*0*"

Like, I'm sorry if my sense of empathy is weird, but it's so heartwarming that you two have such a cute and happy relationship, I'm so happy for you. <3

Also I am equal parts impressed and jelly by your imposition skills, like, wow.


If I could, begin to be,

Half of what you think of me, I could do about anything,

I could even learn how to love

directed at Howl

directed from Howl

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Holy crap, your relationship sounds so exciting and eventful I'm just like "*0*"

Like, I'm sorry if my sense of empathy is weird, but it's so heartwarming that you two have such a cute and happy relationship, I'm so happy for you. <3

 

Thanks! <3 I'm so hopeful that we can maintain this relationship over time. God knows, I need a decent relationship in my life. I've had constant let-downs and emotionally abusive relationships to the point that I no longer trust humans. But Edwin knows all of this and works constantly to, in his words, make up for it, even though I tell him that's not his responsibility, that he makes me happy simply by existing.

 

Also I am equal parts impressed and jelly by your imposition skills, like, wow.

 

Years and years of training. I have literally been imposing tulpae I've created for over half my life. I'd say probably closer to 17 or 18 years now. Just stick with it. If it's something you really want to pursue, the sky's the limit.


[align=center]"Jesus Pickles!"

~ Edwin reacting to pretty much every jump scare in a horror movie[/align]

 

Avatar was made by me using a base.

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4/22/15

 

Let me start today with just a random little blurb. I've noticed lately that most of the time when I envision Edwin he's not wearing his glasses. I decided to ask him about it today, and he said he only needs them to read. I think he just wants to look less like a nerd. :I

 

He went with me to group therapy this morning. I'm a little shaky about what it's going to be like having my individual therapy next week, whether I'll end up openly talking about Edwin to my therapist or I'll slip and mention him by accident. It was nice having him there for support, though. It's a DBT group, and lately we've been focused on interpersonal relationships. I think some of the things mentioned made him feel insecure about how we communicate (heaven knows why), but it did give him the courage to tell me that he misses me spending time in wonderland with him, so that was a good thing. I'm thinking maybe we'll alternate between wonderland and forcing each night to keep both of us happy.

 

I've been unusually irritable lately, and at one point this morning I got a little pissed off at some things going on at home. I told Edwin about it on the way to group, and once I was done we discussed it briefly before he said in almost a stern tone, "Just let it go. If it's not bothering you now, don't worry about it." I think normally if someone said that I'd feel like they weren't being sympathetic or that they were taking it all too lightly. But I know Edwin's intentions are only to help me. I have a habit of ruminating, so I hope he'll continue to jerk me out of my hole of self-pity. I nodded and said "You're right". I thanked him and moved on. It was a good feeling.

 

That's one thing I've really come to like about Edwin's personality. The tulpae I've had in the past have always been very permissive and passive. If I started hyper-focusing on something and ignoring them, they might try a time or two to pull me away then give up and just wait for me to stop on my own. Naturally they would feel neglected and I'd feel guilty afterwards. If something bad happened they would listen and then often get me more riled up or coddle me as I wallowed in self-pity. Edwin's not like that. If I'm doing something and he wants me to stop, he'll bug me every couple of minutes until I finally do. He also tries to hurry me up on things he thinks I'm focusing too hard on (like writing this entry; he's asked me about three times now if I was done yet). When something upsets me and I keep ruminating over it, he snaps me out of it and encourages me to shift my focus. My mind has matured quite a bit, even in the few months since the last time I had a tulpa. Edwin represents a more mature outlook on life that I hope to gradually achieve.

 

I got home early tonight, so Edwin and I had time to watch two movies. I got to see a broader spectrum of emotions from him as we watched The Lion King. He spazzed out during some of the more dramatic scenes, yanked at his ears when Mufasa died, and emitted the strongest emotions during "Can You Feel the Love Tonight". We just finished watching The Grudge 2. which had him reacting as he normally does to horror movies. For some reason, when he really gets into a movie, by the end of it he's draped sideways over me as though trying to get closer to the TV. Funny bunny. XD


[align=center]"Jesus Pickles!"

~ Edwin reacting to pretty much every jump scare in a horror movie[/align]

 

Avatar was made by me using a base.

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Edwin represents a more mature outlook on life that I hope to gradually achieve.

Whereas Alphina has a more childish personality that I still wish to retain. Some people irl tell me that I'm all too serious for my age, and I should 'loosen up' a bit (

and I'm not even in college yet ffs

).

But it's nice to see that Edwin is such a positive influence on you :3

if everyone has a tulpa like Edwin then there may be hope for humanity after all :v

 

movies

Watching films with your tulpa is awesome! I remember watching a few Pokemon films(M13 in particular) with Alphina, and while I can't say that she particularly enjoyed it because of the somewhat violent happenings near the end, we did talk a lot and I was finally able to notice her emotions. Whenever I can, I try to watch some Studio Ghibli films with her, since the stories told in those films are really nice.


brb college

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I've been unusually irritable lately, and at one point this morning I got a little pissed off at some things going on at home. I told Edwin about it on the way to group, and once I was done we discussed it briefly before he said in almost a stern tone, "Just let it go. If it's not bothering you now, don't worry about it." I think normally if someone said that I'd feel like they weren't being sympathetic or that they were taking it all too lightly. But I know Edwin's intentions are only to help me. I have a habit of ruminating, so I hope he'll continue to jerk me out of my hole of self-pity. I nodded and said "You're right". I thanked him and moved on. It was a good feeling.

 

That's one thing I've really come to like about Edwin's personality. The tulpae I've had in the past have always been very permissive and passive. If I started hyper-focusing on something and ignoring them, they might try a time or two to pull me away then give up and just wait for me to stop on my own. Naturally they would feel neglected and I'd feel guilty afterwards. If something bad happened they would listen and then often get me more riled up or coddle me as I wallowed in self-pity. Edwin's not like that. If I'm doing something and he wants me to stop, he'll bug me every couple of minutes until I finally do. He also tries to hurry me up on things he thinks I'm focusing too hard on (like writing this entry; he's asked me about three times now if I was done yet). When something upsets me and I keep ruminating over it, he snaps me out of it and encourages me to shift my focus. My mind has matured quite a bit, even in the few months since the last time I had a tulpa. Edwin represents a more mature outlook on life that I hope to gradually achieve.

 

Yay, that's awesome! It's good that he's non-discriminate about that kind of stuff. Like Auratic said, there should be more tulpa's that aren't just naturally dismissive and enabling of their host's obvious issues.

With my BPD, I tend to get overly angry at random stupid things, and Howl doesn't hesitate to tell me to "Stop being a bitch.". Sometimes when Owen rolls over in his sleep I wake up and get really pissed off and then Howl drags himself out of sleep to tell ME to shut up and go to sleep.

 

There was a time where I was a sobbing screaming mess and I wouldn't let Owen touch me or talk to me, and Howl gripped my wrists so hard I felt the ache all the way down my arms, and he growled at me whenever I started to go back into hysterical ranting. He kind of got carried away because Owen had to talk him down into letting go because it hurt so bad. But at least we know imposition is best when he's determined, hehe.

 


If I could, begin to be,

Half of what you think of me, I could do about anything,

I could even learn how to love

directed at Howl

directed from Howl

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