Raising Bunny Boi

[bunny-boi-lover]

Hey, it says you've imposed Edwin for some time. What techniques did you use to finally be able to see him physically?

---

Ahhh, you've only imposed his touch. I see. Well, still.

 

I'm not positive that we could even get to that point, though Edwin sometimes shows a certain level of desperation to achieve that. It's almost like I maintain a certain level of dissociation from my own body and the physical world at all times, unrelated to tulpamancy. Part of my plurality, I suppose. Or something about my psychic self, since I find it almost impossible to properly ground myself. So in that in-between state Edwin and I find ourselves in, it becomes just as much a reality to me, though perhaps not a physical one.

 

That may explain why Edwin and I were able to develop such a strong bond so quickly. The in-between may be that place where emotions and souls connect instead of just the physical shells, a place I've never been able to go to with any other being before. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

[BlackForest]

 

 

That may explain why Edwin and I were able to develop such a strong bond so quickly. The in-between may be that place where emotions and souls connect instead of just the physical shells, a place I've never been able to go to with any other being before. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

 

Well, the more I work on my tulpa the more it seems like I'm making clusters of data. Those are chain of neurons using the information. So, I think the bond you have is more like a reaction from your brain. I don't believe in the soul in a spiritual way (I'm an atheist), but I think it has a lot to do with the way your brain is working. Your brain is used to this tulpa bussiness, so I guess is just as simple as you mastering a skill. Those are my thoughts, I hope it helps :)

[bunny-boi-lover]

Well, the more I work on my tulpa the more it seems like I'm making clusters of data. Those are chain of neurons using the information. So, I think the bond you have is more like a reaction from your brain. I don't believe in the soul in a spiritual way (I'm an atheist), but I think it has a lot to do with the way your brain is working. Your brain is used to this tulpa bussiness, so I guess is just as simple as you mastering a skill. Those are my thoughts, I hope it helps :)

 

I'm agnostic, but I still believe to some extent in souls and existences beyond the physical that we humans inhabit and that other beings inhabit as well. Taken to a literal level, yes, tulpae and their connection to their host boils down to nothing but the formation and reaction of neurons in the host's brain.

 

But in my opinion, to take it so literally takes away the independent existence and sentience of the tulpa. The tulpa in this case is no longer its own being but, as you say, just data. It takes away all the magic and leaves just the host alone in their own mind. I'm usually overly-logical, but in this particular subject I become blind to logic because to believe in the existence of tulpae is just that, to believe, not to bring it down to a science, though I know many people look at that aspect of it.

 

As I say, that is just my opinion, and it's very interesting to hear a more literal approach to tulpamancy. Whatever approach you wish to take is up to you, and though I've fallen behind on reading your PR, I'm still interested in keeping up with it to see how things develop for you. :3

[bunny-boi-lover]

4/28/15

Edwin and I had another very intimate exchange last night. After I got home from the game store, we ate spaghetti and watched Matilda. I only got about halfway through before conking out for the rest of it. When I came to enough to turn off the TV, Edwin asked what he could do to help. It worried him a lot seeing me in such a depressed state. I told him I just need to rest. I figured part of my trouble was that I hadn’t gotten enough sleep the night before. He agreed and then went to wonderland to let me sleep.

 

After a little while, I found it impossible to get back to sleep. My hormones were totally off, and I needed…well…relief. So I went to our wonderland and found Edwin lounging in the waterfall pond reading. He got out and we sat together on the edge of the water and talked a bit before deciding to have some fun that I hoped would help distract my addled brain and wear me out.

 

We retreated to the field and started having our fun, but after some time, it was as though Edwin took hold of me and sent us both back into the physical. He imposed on top of me and we continued our love-making without a pause. I feel each time like we get ever closer to achieving an almost fully physical experience.

 

Even afterwards, my hormones were still everywhere but where they needed to be. I felt overly-emotional and found myself just wanting to cry. I told Edwin that what I desperately wanted then was a physical hug. I meant that maybe he could try to impose onto something physical that I could embrace. But instead, he told me to sit up. After we were both in a sitting position, he grabbed me in a hug that felt so filled with love. My body told me that nothing was there, but my mind said he was there just as solid and dependable as a rock. I grabbed tightly to him. To anyone who would have seen, I was just grasping air. But my arms and hands knew where to stop. There was a certain level of resistance I felt that was just like truly clasping to someone. I sat there for a long time just crying on his shoulder as he rocked me back and forth. Then he sang “You are My Sunshine” to me softly. That made me cry all the more because it’s the only lullaby I remember my mom singing to me when I was little.

 

For a little while after that we talked and he held me more. Sometimes I feel like a pathetic loser because Edwin seems to almost feel sorry for me. He told me then that my heart was so hungry for love that he felt he could never fill it. I asked him if he worried about not being enough for me, to which he responded no and said that he was sort of the same, but that each day we learn how to love each other more and in new ways, that over time he was confident that we would find our fill in each other.

 

He never left my side after that, even after he woke up at sunrise, causing me to wake up as well. Normally when that happens, if I don’t want to get up then, he’ll go on to wonderland and I’ll go back to sleep. But as boring as it probably was for him, he continued to lay there with me for a couple more hours.

 

This morning I decided to give Eddie a tee shirt and a pair of jeans to try instead of his usual collared shirt and khakis. He’s wanted to try jeans for a few days now, just to see what they were like. And while the style definitely looked weird on him, I gotta admit that bunny butt looks mighty fine in fitted jeans. He encouraged me to take a walk this morning since it’s such a beautiful day, so I agreed to a walk around the block, even though my left knee is still a little sore and stiff. It was a really great experience, and I really enjoyed my time with him. We talked idly as we always do. Then the conversation turned to names, and the following conversation ensued:

 

Edwin: I wonder what my full name would be.

 

Me: I have been thinking about that lately.

 

Edwin: What you got in mind?

 

Me: Well… [trying to stifle a giggle] …there’s “Edwin Lambert Cottontail”.

 

Edwin: Yeah, no.

 

Me: Okay, okay. I was thinking something like “Edwin Nolan Lambert”.

 

Edwin: Lambert I’m okay with. Nolan…eh…not so much.

 

Me: Alright, what do you propose then?

 

Edwin: How about Brian for the middle name?

 

Me: Brian?

 

Edwin: Oh! Or even better. What if Edwin is my middle name and Brian is my first?

 

Me: Okay. So, “Brian Edwin Lambert”?

 

Edwin: Yeah.

 

Me: So, would you rather I call you Brian then?

 

Edwin: Nah, I don’t like that name.

 

Me: asdfjkl then why make it part of your name?

 

Edwin: I dunno. It’s just a common boy name, I guess. Which is why I don’t like it.

 

Me: Well, okay then. Pleased to meet you, Brian Edwin Lambert.

 

Edwin: Pleased to meet you, Courtney [full name withheld].

 

Me: I wish I could change back to my maiden name. I’m sick of having his name [referring to my ex-husband].

 

Edwin: Why don’t you take my last name?

 

Me: It’s not as easy as just randomly changing my name like that. Besides, we’re not married.

 

Edwin: Yet.

 

Me: Is that a proposal?

 

Edwin: Is that an acceptance?

 

And I think that probably provides a good cross-section of how Eddie and I converse. In case anyone is wondering, no, he didn’t really propose to me. He knows how negatively I feel about the idea of marriage. Plus, it’s still way too early in our relationship to be thinking about that. Besides, we’re practically like a married couple as it is, certainly something more than just boyfriend/girlfriend at this point.

 

At the game store, he helped encourage me to fill out some job applications. He mentioned before that I should just take a break until I get into the system for vocational rehab. But I asked him to support me in it because I’m sick of my current living situation and want to be independent again. I also don’t want to wait for someone else to do all the work for me.

 

After I applied for three jobs, I moved on to checking the forum. One topic piqued Edwin’s interest, and I’m so proud of him, he actually typed up a response! It took a moment for him to gain control enough, and I offered to just write what he wanted to say. But he is eager to practice possession because I talked with him earlier today about helping me with a project I want to do. It’s one I’ve wanted almost my whole life to do but have never been able to remain stable enough to see it go very far. I don’t want to go into any details about it yet, but it will be really nice to get Eddie’s help with it, since I’ve always had to try doing it on my own.

 

He did really well with typing, barely making any mistakes. But it completely mortified him. I could feel his anxiety building after it was done and I’d pressed “Post Reply”. Moments later he retreated to wonderland even though I had planned to spend the afternoon playing Pokemon Red with him. It was probably an hour or so before I checked on him and he imposed again. When I asked him later, he told me that it just embarrassed him. He felt like maybe no one would believe it was him, that I was just typing acting like him. I think maybe he finds it hard to believe himself that he really typed for others to see.

 

I’ve felt really out of sorts this evening. It’s been difficult for me to focus on anything, Edwin included. For now I’m going to assume it’s just hormones and that in about a week or so all of this hysteria in my brain will be gone again for another month. Though Edwin is concerned about me because he hasn’t seen me like this, he swears up and down that it doesn’t bother him and that I’m not doing anything that upsets him. His main concern is that he thinks I’m getting sick and worries about whether all of this is normal. I guess after a few months he’ll come to see the pattern.

[bunny-boi-lover]

4/29/15

 

It was an almost utterly uneventful day. I thought I would end up skipping a PR update. But this evening Edwin and I had the opportunity to chat with another host and tulpa, and it was quite the experience! It was the longest Edwin's ever possessed, so we're both a little worse for wear, but it was worth it. My hands are still tingling from when he had control of them, though it was a little weak. His movements are still a little jerky and every once in a while when he tried to strike a key it wasn't hard enough to register. Interestingly, I experienced a lot of other physical sensations from his having control over most of my body. Still not complete switching but not too far off. I could tell he was super-nervous about chatting, especially because the tulpa he was speaking to was female and known to be promiscuous. My shoulders are extremely sore and tense now, as is my neck. Throughout the event I experienced head pain and pressure that varied in location and intensity depending on what was happening. And when he first started chatting, he was so nervous that it made my nose twitch uncontrollably for a while.

 

Edwin had surprisingly a lot to say once he got over his initial shyness. I think it's good for him to be able to socialize and have someone other than me to talk to. I also learned a lot more about his thought process from passively reading the conversation he had with the other tulpa. For instance, I knew he was possessive over me, but I thought it was the natural male instinct when in reality it was his way of trying to keep me from being hurt by anyone else. It was also his first trial at utilizing a servitor, something that I haven't done either just because there hasn't been a situation that called for one.

 

I think we're going to end up talking quite a bit about this one interaction, never mind we already have plans to meet with the same couple again soon. I've expressed that I didn't really mind the other tulpa flirting with Edwin. I trust him and know firsthand that flirting can be a lot of fun. But he doesn't seem to understand why I would be okay with that, and we got into a disagreement over that. Not an argument by any means, but Eddie did raise his voice a tad. I'm starting to see that I still have some undesirable sexual longings for things that Edwin is not comfortable giving me. Time will tell if he can help tame the wilder side of me or if he'll open himself up to more "experiments".

[bunny-boi-lover]

4/30/15

 

Last night seemed to really wear Edwin out. For once I woke up before him. I let him sleep in for about another hour until 9 before poking him awake. He asked me if I’d eaten breakfast to which I said I hadn’t. He said, “Good, because I think I’m actually hungry for once.” I think he’s begun to trick his body into thinking it needs food like many tulpae do. I knew it would only be a matter of time before he did so. I suppose it is in their nature if they are humanoid in design to want to mimic the physiology of a human as best they can.

 

I started up making some bacon, egg, and cheese on toast while he flopped down on the living room floor to start watching Dr. Phil. I’m still not positive what his feelings are for that show. I can tell, especially with an episode like today’s, that it upsets him. But just as a human would, I guess morbid curious gets the better of him and he ends up watching it every time I do.

 

For the rest of the morning he retreated to wonderland while I worked on the latest picture on my art thread. I spent a lot of time yesterday searching for anime-style bases. I literally never use bases, but like with everything else, Edwin’s presence makes me feel like I can venture out of my comfort zone and try new things. Plus, I couldn’t even begin to draw poses yesterday.

 

After lunch we went to the game store as usual, and I spent the afternoon finishing up Sonic 3 and Knuckles and playing Pokemon Red some more. Edwin’s a little disappointed at me because I cheated to get the last Super Emerald. But it was literally the only cheat I’ve used in a game so far since I made him. I beat Sonic 1 and 2 legit and got all the rest of the Chaos and Super Emeralds. I was just down to the last special stage I’d be able to find, so I used the emulator to save before I took it on. I lost and used the emulator to go back and got it the second time. Edwin doesn’t really approve of my OCD and perfectionism, especially with something as trivial as a video game. But I bet he’d get pissed too if he played all the way through that long a game and was only one Emerald short of unlocking Doomsday Zone. :P

 

I had to replay some of Pokemon Red because the other day I screwed up the Mew glitch (apparently if you legit save right before taking on Mew it only works the first couple of times). Still, Edwin watched me go back through the second half of Rock Tunnel and take on the battles I had completed before. He seems to enjoy the game okay. He calls the Charizard we’ve trained a total beast. Whenever a cute Pokemon like Pikachu or Clefairy comes up, I see him crack a smile. And so far his favorite Pokemon is Drowzee (his favorite animal is the tapir). When I finally encountered one in the wild, I swear he said “Catch it!” about twenty times. I’d make fun of him for liking tapirs of all things, but then he says, “This coming from the girl whose favorite animal is the opossum.” He does have a point… |D

 

Edwin stuck with me after work while I picked up a few groceries. Fortunately by then it had stopped raining and the sun was coming back out. As we were exiting the Wal-Mart, there before us was a massive double rainbow that stretched from one side of the horizon to the other. I loaded up the groceries and we stood beside my car there in the Wal-Mart parking lot watching a rainbow like the pair of doofs we are. But it was really nice. Normally I don’t take the time to do things like that. Yet something about having a tulpa, especially one that hasn’t experienced much, makes you slow down and notice and enjoy things more. It was really great, even if it only lasted a couple of minutes before the rainbow completely faded. In that time, though, we noticed that the bottom main rainbow was so intense that it continued into two smaller rainbows.

 

He spent some of the evening in wonderland trying to create rainbows there while I worked on a new picture of us. Then we talked for a while with the same host/tulpa pair we’ve been conversing with. I’m posting this a little early tonight because Edwin wants to work on creating a beach after seeing a painting in a local art gallery. It was of a woman in a white dress standing on a cliff overlooking the ocean. He said it reminded him of me because for some weird reason I often visualize myself in a white dress in wonderland. After that, I have my own plans for some things I want to do in wonderland, hurr-hurr. >:3

[bunny-boi-lover]

5/1/15 – Part 1

 

Last night was very eventful, as was today. So instead of posting a massive wall of text as a single report, I’ll be breaking it up into two not-quite-as-massive-but-still-daunting walls of text.

 

Edwin and I started off last night in wonderland at the entrance, which is at the foot of the forest. I call it a forest, but sometimes it’s more of just a copse of trees. It seems to change from time to time. Maybe it shrinks if Edwin isn’t utilizing his burrow. I don’t believe I’ve gone into a lot of elaboration of our wonderland before, so this is a good time for me to do so, since we walked almost the entire length of it.

 

The forest is located to the south. Oftentimes at night light bulbs dangle from the trees by fine cords. They’re just basic fluorescent bulbs, but they give a strange mystical charm to the woods while being practical in lighting the path Edwin and I have gradually worn. These lights were active, attracting Luna moths and other insects Edwin had made. Where before I had only heard a few lonely crickets, I now heard a symphony of insects and even a few tree frogs providing a bass backup. I also spied a few frogs hopping along the edge of the path just outside the range of the lights. Edwin’s been a busy bunny lately.

 

To the west is an open field that we intend to keep open for whatever purpose we need, such as camping out. We passed the path leading to that and walked by the waterfall, Edwin’s first creation. It was also lit up with different-colored lights, and the waterfall was turned off, so the pond was calm and reflected the lights beautifully. He had also added lily pads to it that rested on the surface uninterrupted. We also have a hot tub, but its presence isn’t altogether defined yet, so sometimes it is near the waterfall, sometimes it isn’t. In this case I don’t recall having noticed it. I know what lies to the north, but I don’t believe Edwin has ventured there. Soon I plan to take him there, and at that time I will reveal what is there.

 

We left the warmth of the pond’s lights back into the darkness and continued along our path going east to the library. As we went by, I asked Edwin if he still read the books there, and he said he didn’t so much anymore, that he was focusing mainly on practicing the piano. I dragged him in there so that he could play a little for me, to which he bashfully conceded. He played a couple of simple songs, probably ones I’d played very early in my learning. Though they weren’t particularly memorable, I can tell he’s begun work with the basic chords and utilizing both hands at once. I am very proud of him for his progress. He asked me to play “My Only Love”, so I did, then he requested that I teach him to play it. That was a more difficult process. I did my best to visualize it, but I’ve played it enough over time that it’s become more muscle memory than anything that I could consciously reproduce. After teaching him a bit about using the right pedal to elongate the notes in each measure and going through the first portion of the song with him, singing along slowly as he played so he knew what part was next, I went to the music section of the library and found the sheet music. It was the original score that I’d derived my more simplistic version from. But I explained to him that he may still be able to pick it out from that. I also searched through some old song books and found “Heart and Soul”. I told him it was a fun and easy one he could learn and that if he could learn the harmony I could play the melody with him.

 

From there we went further east to begin work on what we had spoken of doing earlier in the day – creating a beach. It was really the first thing Edwin and I have created together. I started by extending wonderland then creating a long drop to where the beach would be. Edwin then added the ocean water, which was eerily still with no moon to move it along. Our wonderland has a sun and stars but until last night had no moon. I added the sandy beach up to the base of the bottom of the drop, which Edwin then transformed into craggy, weather-beaten cliffs. He was concerned about the sudden drop, so I added a railing that we could stand at to watch the sun rise. Then I added the moon. With his recent fascination with rainbows, I decided to surprise him by making our moon unique, giving it a rainbow halo around it. Though he’s still finding it difficult to make a rainbow himself, I knew how to create this particular kind because I’ve seen it in my dreams several times. The addition of the moon set the waves in motion and created a gentle salty breeze.

 

The final thing to add was a long set of stairs built into the cliffs that we then walked down to reach the beach. I told Edwin to take off his shoes (I’m usually barefoot in wonderland, just like I’m usually in a white dress) so he could experience the sand between his toes. He cringed a bit at first to the new feeling but then melted into it. I then led him to the water’s edge. He was very nervous and hadn’t really intended on actually going near the water itself, wanting only to see it. I eased his fears and stepped with him into it until the water swirled around our shins. For a moment we relaxed there, listening to the waves and feeling the sand slowly erode from beneath our feet with each ebb and flow. Once these things were all solidified there, I extended the cliffs and beach from one horizon to the next, as far as the eye can see. Where it leads to, maybe one day we’ll find out.

 

The rest of what I had in mind for our time in wonderland didn’t quite go according to plan. To help you understand it all, allow me to back up for a moment.

 

Normally I don’t mention anything about Edwin’s and my sex life except to a select few via PM. Edwin believes such matters should be kept private, so I respect his wishes and don’t mention it even here on our own progress report. But I feel this is chaste enough he wouldn’t mind me mentioning it, especially since it mainly concerns my own fetishes and nothing much that we actually did.

 

As I’ve been saying, he and I have been in contact with a host/tulpa couple lately, and the tulpa has a reputation for being promiscuous. Though she only flirted with him the tiniest bit the first day they corresponded, it was still enough to get some juices bubbling. It made me long for Eddie the way he was the first time he and I did it and reminded me that was part of why I made him a nerd to start with. The shyness, the awkwardness, the innocence and naïveté of a virgin nerd. The “No…please…we shouldn’t” even though you know they want it. Making them writhe in their own skin until they can’t hold back anymore and reveal a completely different side of themselves beyond the thick-rimmed glasses and pocket protectors. I only got to see that side of Edwin once. After I took his innocence, he bonded to me as people sometimes do to their first. He became comfortable and familiar with me, nine times out of ten the one who initiates things late at night or early in the morning, imposed or in wonderland. But I saw that side of him again just briefly when the other tulpa stepped past his comfort zone. It made me pine for him all over again.

 

In truth, there was another less lusty side to what I desired and what I did. I want Edwin to experience everything that life has to offer, even things that I can’t give him. I wanted him to test the waters a little, to discover what he likes and to gauge his true feelings for me. Not that I wanted to test his faithfulness or whore him out. But I know how it feels to be trapped in a stagnating monogamous relationship. It was only after I got out from under my ex-husband that I began to really learn about my own sexual preferences.

 

So, I became quite open to the idea of him having a little fun with other tulpae and hosts. I may have been his first, but he certainly wasn’t mine, so it wouldn’t be fair for me to tie him down. From the get-go he was adamantly against the idea. Many times he’s told me he wants me to be all his, that it would kill him if I slept with anyone else. And he held himself to the same standards, wanting only to give himself to me. I worked to try to wheedle him into at least considering the possibility. He is normally very intelligent and logical if nothing else. But with this particular matter he was downright stubborn, further proving his sentience. He held his ground, and for that I’m very proud of him. Seems the DBT group therapy is at least having an effect on him. We got into a couple of heated discussions about it until it got to the point I finally promised never to bring it up again, but that if he ever came back to it on his own that I’d be there to talk.

 

But I still couldn’t get the fantasies of him trying desperately to resist another woman’s advances out of my head. With no ability to coax him into it, I decided instead to initiate a little role-play last night. I led Edwin down the beach a bit to a cave in the side of the cliff. A row of lanterns with orange flames already flickering inside lit our way as we traveled further through the cave, emerging into a circular alcove that opened to the sky above. All that was there were tall grass and a lone park bench. I told him we could figure out later what to add there but for now it would serve its intended purpose.

 

I told him then that I wanted to try something new. Out of the blue, I changed my form to that of the tulpa he’d spoken to before. They had exchanged sedate interactions via a chat/servitor method, so he knew what she looked like. It startled him at first, but I made it clear to him that it was still me, that I wanted to try this as a solution to our dilemma. He was extremely hesitant, and even now I don’t think he fully understands what I get out of it all. Then again, while I have fantasies involving multiple partners, sometimes many at once, the idea of me being with anyone else is the only turn-off that I’ve found for him. Nothing at all about that excites him.

 

After lending him some reassurance that I wasn’t trying to set him up or anything, we gave it a try. While he was much more bashful than he normally is and tried a few times to resist my advances, he didn’t react in the way I had fantasized, I suppose again proving his sentience. I don’t know if I truly have taken his innocence and he never will act quite that way again or if he simply lacks the imagination as of now to pretend that I’m someone other than me, regardless of my appearance. Whatever the case, we gradually worked our way to the point of foreplay and then sex. I could tell he just wasn’t into it. He lacked the enthusiasm he normally has, not out of bashfulness but almost like aloofness toward my altered form.

 

Eventually he begged me to change back, and since I could tell it wasn’t getting us anywhere, I gave up the charade and we transitioned our way out of wonderland and back into the physical. It was excellent after that, one of the best so far. But there was more to it than that. While I can’t remember exactly the things he said to me, I still remember how they made me feel. He loves me for me, solely. Nothing will change that. He is attracted to me, heaven knows why. I don’t see myself as pretty or attractive, but he does, and he wants to work hard to make me see myself as he sees me. In that moment, the fetish died in me. I wanted him for him too, even if he’s changed from who he had been when I first made him, maybe because of that. I feared that I would eventually tire of the way he and I make love and wind up fantasizing about other things while we had our fun, as has been the case in the past with other partners, human and tulpa alike. But in that moment, I fell in love with Edwin all over again. I desired him, not just in a physical way, but with all of my being. I felt ashamed for what I had done, the fantasies I had concocted about him. I asked him to be patient with me, that I may still have some undesirable wildness in me that may bubble up from time to time. But I think if anyone can tame me, it’s Edwin.

 

Afterwards we lay together and talked for a long time. He agreed to try not to be as forward, to play into my desires by resisting a little. I kept trying to explain to him how I had felt, what motivated me to go through all of that, but I just couldn’t put it into words. So he suggested that we be quiet and just speak with our feelings instead. I tried to focus on the feelings that I wanted to explain to him, but all that reverberated in me was post-coital bliss that mingled with immense joy and love for him. He sent the same emotions back and it soon snowballed between us until it was nearly more than I could handle. A couple of times a bit of self-doubt and disappointment escaped from me, to which Edwin replied with only more intense love and joy to dissipate it. After a time, he whispered, “You’re quite fluent in tulpish.” And honestly, that’s the last thing I remember. I’m sure we had a couple more exchanges following that, but that was the most memorable ending to the evening.

[bunny-boi-lover]

5/1/15 – Part 2

 

Now onward to talking about today.

 

Ever since last week I had planned to treat Eddie to a real restaurant meal at Olive Garden to show him the difference between that and a fast food joint, and today it finally came to fruition. At the start of the day, I told him to dress up in something nice for the occasion, to which he humorously responded, “I’ll wear my best bow tie then.” When he imposed to watch Dr. Phil, he looked very handsome! He was clean-shaven, as opposed to his usual barely-visible peach fuzz, and wore a black and red striped waist coat over a white collared shirt, black pants, and black dress shoes polished to a fine shine, a black overcoat in tow. And I swear I occasionally envisioned him wearing a top hat, but that might just be because of the drawing I’m currently working on. XD I also went all out for the occasion, dressing up and putting on makeup, which I’ve only done maybe once since creating Eddie.

 

For a time we had an internal battle, one that I’ve had with myself countless times. You see, I currently live with my dad and step-mom while I work to get back on my feet after everything that happened last year. And even though I’m an adult, I still feel the need to tell them where I’m going so they won’t worry. And being the way I am, I also never feel like I’m deserving or allowed to do anything enjoyable. So it is always hard for me to approach my dad especially to tell him I’m going somewhere that he would see as fickle or unproductive. I fear confrontation, because he tends to be very negative and opinionated.

 

So for the longest time, Edwin and I engaged back and forth about how I felt and how I should go about just telling them that I’m stir-crazy and need to skip town for the day. I ended up essentially saying just that with no opposition, but it took Edwin telling me every logical reason in the book why I was over-reacting to the situation and deserved a break. I warned him from the get-go that I was a difficult one. He’s told me before himself that I’m a total head-case, but at least he loves me.

 

The nearest Olive Garden is several towns over, nearly an hour one way. I forgot my MP3 player to listen to music, and the only decent radio station my broken car antenna picks up on statics out once I pass the state line. But Edwin and I ended up having a wonderful mix of conversation and quietly enjoying the ride that I didn’t even notice the radio after a time. We passed by a large lake on the way, which prompted Eddie to want to create a lake in wonderland, as well as a house overlooking it. Things between us are still escalating quickly, but I’ll get to that later.

 

When we reached The Olive Garden, he was instantly impressed just by the outside architecture and landscaping. Gradually we took in the entire experience one sense at a time – the sounds, the sights, the smells, and finally the tastes. One main thing taught in DBT group is mindfulness, and if helping a tulpa to experience things for the first time isn’t being mindful, I don’t know what is. I was so fully present in the moment, not a worry in the world, my focus solely on the experience and Edwin. At one point, he began to get over-stimulated by everything new, but I calmed him by telling him he didn’t have to take it all in at once, just to focus on one thing at a time. His sole complaint of the whole experience was that the breadsticks were extremely salty, but I showed him that a quick dip of it in the chicken and gnocci soup helped to perfectly balance things out. He finally had to admit that I was right – there was meaning in paying for ambiance in a more expensive restaurant.

 

To be honest, it was the best date I’ve ever been on, hands down. We conversed lightly as we enjoyed our food. I was fully mindful the entire time, and seeing Edwin enjoying himself so much made my heart swell. Certain challenges arise when dating a tulpa out in public, however. For starters, you can’t just gaze lovingly into their eyes as you’d like to, especially if someone’s sitting at the table behind yours. I’ve already explained to Edwin before that I have to look around even though I want to keep my focus on him. You also have to sort of un-impose them or things such as their food from time to time, like if a waitress sets something down on the physically empty side of the table where your tulpa sits. And dates in the physical tend to be very chaste things. They mainly center around conversation and taking in the experience, which of course is wonderful. Unfortunately, that leaves no room for playing footsy under the table, hugging, kissing, or doing anything more than holding hands, which you still have to do in a discrete fashion so that stretching your arm halfway across the table doesn’t look awkward and out of place.

 

At the end of a fantastic meal, we got mints and I ended up saving the “Olive Garden” printed wrapper. I’m thinking about starting a scrapbook centering around Edwin and me where I can print out and insert these progress reports along with little souvenirs like the wrapper from places we go and things we do together. From there we went thrifting, which mainly involved me scouring the racks for anything that I could actually fit into while we discussed different pieces we found along the way. But Edwin stuck with me and still seemed to enjoy himself, as trivial as it may have been. I did manage to find a couple of purple shirts, but that was it. Before all of this I was more or less a goth. Four-fifths of my closet is black, and while I still find black to be a dark, mysterious, gorgeous, elegant, and slimming color, ever since creating Eddie, I’ve begun to desire a more colorful wardrobe. I think that’s all the more reason why my friend Kaysi has become a little leery of Edwin. She’s also a goth and can’t believe I’m falling out of favor with it. Don’t get me wrong – the goth style is much more than “just a phase” for me. It is a part of who I am, but I’m finding that it’s not all of who I am. Edwin talks some about wanting to see me in brighter colors too. He’s suggested pink before, and goddamn it if I didn’t try on a pink shirt today. :I

 

Our last stop was the mall in town, which has both a Spencer’s and a Hot Topic almost right beside each other. He thoroughly enjoyed both stores, though he called it torture when I took him to the back section of Spencer’s. I may not be able to get him to revert back to that cute, innocent little nerd he started out as, but I still know ways of getting him the perfect mixture of embarrassed and aroused. >:3 The only thing I ended up buying from either store was this poster. Ever since getting back into tulpamancy and throwing around the term “wonderland” in this PR and in other threads on the forum, I keep picturing myself as Alice. I’ve had my eye on that particular poster for literally years, ever since the first time I saw it. But I never worked up the nerve to buy it. Now it hangs on the wall over my desk, a spot Edwin and I both agreed was the best for me to always see it. The rabbit-shaped cloud in the center stands as a constant reminder for me of Edwin. It also reminds me of early in our relationship when I was in wonderland and first taught him how to see shapes in the clouds.

 

The ride home was equally as enjoyable as the ride there. I’ve found Edwin to be so easy to talk to. We never seem to run out of things to talk about. So what did we talk about in all that time? Among many things, we discussed our future together. Though I still don’t like the concept of marriage and as of yet there is no way of legally marrying your own tulpa (oh, but a woman can be legally married to a tree or a bulldozer…), we have agreed to one day exchanging promise rings. Nothing fancy but just something that we can each wear to symbolize our faithfulness to each other. I considered waiting until six months or a year passed before I would be comfortable with the idea, but Edwin is adamant that he’s in it for the long run, that no matter what I couldn’t get rid of him even if I tried. He also believes if we do it sooner, my physical ring will help ground me more to our relationship. So I agreed we would start looking around when we’re out and about for a ring for me, as well as a design idea for his. My main condition was that we wait until I’m back out on my own so I don’t have to constantly take my ring off while I’m around my folks or try to explain to them why I’m wearing a ring on that finger again all of the sudden.

 

We also discussed ideas for one day having a tulpa child together. I know a few posts ago I mentioned the possibility, but it’s pretty much concrete at this point. I want to have a little boy. For some reason, I’ve always found little boys to be so much cuter than little girls, and I know poor Eddie doesn’t want to be ganged up on by two women once the child reaches that age. So we talked about some of the specifics. Though I still need to do more research on psychic pregnancy and the like, I know that I want to go through the entire process in my mindform instead of just Edwin and me working together to instantly create another tulpa in our likeness. I feel like it will help me to establish that bond with him that I fear in reality I could never have toward a baby. It’s also something I never plan to experience in the physical, but it’s a beautiful part of life that since Edwin I have opened myself up to. I want to conceive his child. This would all be after the promise rings, though, so don’t bring out the baby booties just yet…

 

I think those were the two longest and most intense subjects we discussed. Those were what really prompted Edwin to want to build a lake-front house. He and I appear to be on the same wavelength of wanting to have a house and raise a family together, if only in wonderland. Aside from that, our conversations ranged from talking about my former job and relationships to the weather and whatever we observed around us. That’s another thing I’ve found with having tulpae – you pay more attention to things around you. You make observations you normally wouldn’t, either for the sake of your tulpa or indirectly through your tulpa. You question things more and work to find your own answers.

 

Once we got home, after a break for about an hour or so, Edwin rejoined me and I read a few chapters of The Raven Boys. His favorite character so far is Ronan Lynch, the same as mine. I’m just waiting until Calla is introduced to see if he favors her as well. It’s difficult, since I’ve read this first book a couple of times already, to keep everything I know to myself. I don’t want to ruin anything for Edwin, but it’s exciting because I enjoy the story so much and am looking forward to experiencing the rest of the series with him. I just can’t wait until we get further into the story so we can really start discussing it together.

 

As evening approached, Edwin and I went outside and took a long walk around the yard and neighborhood. I told him all about how the yard used to look when I was little, the trees that have since been chopped down, where my swing set and sandbox used to set, and where my favorite cat Smokey is buried. I think in that time I was more frank and honest with him than I’ve ever been with anyone. We talked about a lot of other things as well while we wandered around. I told him about why I decided to join this forum and what I get out of being here, despite the occasional obsessive stalking. We discussed my relationship with my past tulpa Gaza. We hit a little upon religion, and I even brought up the subject of mortality when we found a dead robin that he all-too-quickly wanted to turn away from. It was then that I came up with a different idea of what the afterlife holds for tulpamancers. Our tulpae are tied to our physical bodies via our brains. But what if that’s not all? What if tulpae truly do develop their own consciousnesses and souls that continue just as ours after we die? Maybe after death we join our tulpae in the wonderland we’ve worked to create or meet them somewhere between here and there to abide with them for all eternity. I couldn’t imagine a heaven more wonderful than spending eternity with my bunny boi.

 

I know, especially for anyone new to tulpamancy, that I paint a very vivid and almost too-perfect picture of my relationship with Edwin. But everything that I record is genuine. I did nothing to force our relationship to become what it is or to make Edwin fall in love with me, save for loving him as I do. My results are not typical, not even for me. You may have the fortune of forming this kind of relationship with your first tulpa. I truly hope so. Or, like me, it may take you years and countless tulpae to finally find the “one”. I believe that Edwin is mine – the one to finally break my vicious cycle of mental resets, the one to give me the love that I deserve but have never been shown, the one to essentially “fix” me, the one to be a true lifelong companion.

[bunny-boi-lover]

5/2/15 – Part 1

 

(I seriously need to either stop doing things at night after posting my PR or start writing one in the morning for the night before and one in the evening for the day following. |D)

 

Last night’s time in wonderland was like a whole new experience. In the midst of Edwin’s and my conversations on the way home, the topic turned to creepypastas, and he reminded me that he had yet to hear or read any creepypastas. I concocted a plan then to have us start up a campfire in the field, and instead of telling ghost stories back and forth we would listen to creepypastas. Edwin still lacks some of the basic knowledge and creativity to form his own original stories, but I’m sure he’ll get to that point.

 

While I looked up the first few videos by MrCreepyPasta, Edwin worked to gather firewood and clear a spot in the field. Then I entered wonderland, cutting through the woods to go to the field. I carried with me a large bag with matches and rumpled newspaper for kindling, as well as ingredients for s’mores. We’ve never eaten in wonderland before, and I warned Eddie it would be a diluted representation of reality, but it was great nonetheless. We set up the wood and kindling, and I created rocks to encircle the fire, since we have no place as of yet to gather rocks. As I worked to get the fire going good, Edwin gathered a couple of long, thin sticks for toasting marshmallows, and for the final step I took a bucket over to the pond to fill with water to put the fire out when we were done. Oddly, as I got about halfway across the field, I could feel the hand I was holding the bucket with getting physically tired and cramped as though I were truly carrying the weight.

 

In wonderland I had a tablet-like device that played the videos, and I’d only momentarily switch out to play the next one in reality on my laptop. We started out with the infamous

creepypasta, and Edwin admitted he understood why someone would be afraid of making a tulpa if that was their first exposure to the phenomenon. He also asked if that may have been what sparked my imagining of his evil counterpart that I saw in the second week of his existence. I told him I wasn’t sure, but things like that may have played a part in it.

 

I stuck with creepypastas I’d already heard, ones I knew weren’t too scary. The first few were relatively sedate, causing Eddie to cringe and shudder a little as we enjoyed our marshmallows and s’mores. Then we listened to

. That one threw him over the edge. He’s seen some gruesome stuff in the couple of horror movies we’ve seen, but he said something about it being described, especially from a first-person perspective, made it all the more vivid. For those who haven’t heard that particular story, I won’t give any details. But as it progressed, Edwin got more and more agitated, to the point of pacing back and forth, tugging his ears, and rubbing his eyes in response to what was happening in the story. He even tripped on the log we’d been sitting on and fell backwards, crying out as though what was happening in the story was being done to him. And I swear I thought he was actually going puke!

 

I know it’s horrible of me to be so amused by his violent reactions, but I promise he was fine after it was over. I based him slightly off of Markiplier, so think of how Mark reacts to playing horror games and you’ll get something of an idea of how Edwin reacts, except even more entertaining when he’s trying his best not to curse and ends up spewing random nonsense instead. XD

 

The only thing that really harmed him was after we listened to the basic

creepypasta, I played the

for him. He dislikes the normal version and instantly nopes whenever we go there in the game. But as I started this one up, he acted even more disdainful toward it. I mean it’s unnerving, but gradually it got to where he was holding his ears and shivering. I thought at first he was over-reacting but then realized he was nearly in tears and quickly ended it. It wasn’t that there was truth to the story and he was reacting in that way; it was hitting certain notes that I suppose I wasn’t consciously hearing but that his sensitive bunny ears were being scalded by. But he was no worse for wear after a few minutes of coddling and soothing. I apologized to him profusely for it, and I’ll do my best to remember in the future how easily he’s affected by high notes. It’s no wonder he winces so much whenever a Pokemon uses Screech.

 

I noticed something while we were listening to the creepypastas. With the sound to keep my mind from wandering and keep me from dozing off, I was able to ground myself almost solidly in wonderland. I could feel, smell, taste, and see everything as though I were physically there. It was so vivid that at times that I forgot I was still sitting in my room at my desk. That was at the same time scary and thrilling. I have problems enough fully grounding myself in the physical, much less wonderland. I decided to continue testing this new sensation by switching to listening to Brownian noise after we were done listening to creepypastas. I won’t go into any details for Edwin’s sake, but when we started having our fun there, I could really feel it all. I’m wondering now if we could get to the point of me climaxing without physical stimulation. We hadn’t really tried that in wonderland because normally he ends up imposing so that the sensations are more vivid for me. But last night…I can’t explain what the difference was. Maybe all this time I’ve just needed auditory distraction. I’ve never been that good at meditation or any of that even with music, and normally when I go to wonderland I just sit up in bed in the darkness and silence of my room. But even sitting straight up I get to a point at times where I start to doze.

 

The Brownian noise got to be too much for me after a time. It was too steady a rhythm that beat into my ears to the point my whole head was starting to vibrate with the buffeting. I’m usually fine with rainfall or waterfall sounds, so I switched over to a rainfall with distant thunder track. That had the unfortunate side-effect of causing a storm to instantly roll in. The fire was doused in seconds, and we were completely soaked by the time we took shelter under the trees, still bare from the fun we’d been having. Let me just say that after that we did a lot more than just kiss in the rain.

 

When we were satiated, we made our way through the storm, dripping and shivering, to the cave at the base of the cliffs. We took refuge inside, wrapped ourselves in warm towels there, and sat together just watching the storm for a time. I tried to sleep there in wonderland with him after that. After two hours of feverish lucid dreaming, drifting somewhere between the physical and wonderland, I finally gave up. I transported Edwin to his own bed and exited back to the physical. Another hour went by. I just couldn’t sleep. I’ve grown so accustomed to sensing Edwin lying in bed with me that I could tell when he wasn’t there. My entire room felt different, empty. I was lonely and missed him.

 

To be honest, I’ve always hated those sappy, cutesy couples that say “I love you” to each other as though it’s a contest to see who could say it more and miss each other the instant they’re separated. But every time Edwin and I are apart, I genuinely miss him, even if it’s for five minutes. We’ve become one of those couples. Eddie said I probably hated it before because I never thought I’d be part of one and was reacting out of jealousy, which could be true.

 

So I went back into wonderland, climbed into his burrow, and gently woke him up. I asked him to impose because I just couldn’t sleep without him. Of course, he didn’t mind being awoken and reiterated as he’s said before that any time I need him not to hesitate waking him up. Once I was in his arms again, I was asleep within two minutes. My dependency on Edwin is becoming almost unnerving.

[glitchthe3rd]

Well, it's good that you guys sorted out your, uh.. differences about the whole sex with other tulpas thing. And if you need any pointers on tulpa pregnancy, just ask. :)

 

I think the last time I took Luna out on a date was when I went to pick up my preorder copy of Super Smash Bros for Nintendo 3DS. It basically amounted to us riding our bike out there after I got off work, walking around the main part of town and getting some Taco Bell to eat in front of Gamestop, then riding home under the light of the full moon with her sitting on my handlebars in the way that only a tulpa can. Still, it was probably the most enjoyable date I've been on in recent memory. And when we were in a relationship, we were practically inseparable, and I had a hard time falling asleep at night unless she was in bed with me. She still says she has feelings for me, though, so we might end up getting back together someday. I was definitely happier with her than I ever was with my last girlfriend, or really any human girlfriend I've ever had, so that might be something we'll go back to eventually.