Raising Bunny Boi

[bunny-boi-lover]

I'm sorry but this is one of the greatest phrases I have ever heard in my life

 

As for the rest of all this, theres only a few words for it.

I dont know any really good big words, so I'll just say that its incredible and inspiring.

 

Thank you! <3 I was a little shaken by that particular word my brain decided to use, considering one of the recent discussions brought up on here. But I feel it's fitting. Never before have I actually looked forward to the future; now it stretches before me, no longer daunting as it once was, but promising.

 

I'm glad as always to be inspiring. It is one of my greatest goals in life. Even if I only inspire one person at a time, I have met that goal. :3

[bunny-boi-lover]

5/5/15

 

Last night I had something a little unnerving happen. Eddie and I had just finished having our fun, but he was concerned because I didn't seem to be as into it as I usually am. I told him it was just because I was sore and tired, but that I still wanted it. He said in so many words that if ever I didn't want it to tell him, and he ended his plea with "I never want to force myself on you." For some reason, those words triggered a violent reaction in my psyche. Edwin's had to comfort me after I had a bad flashback once, but that's the worst he's seen from me. In this case, it wasn't so much a specific flashback as me regressing in reaction to past events. Though I was aware of what happened, I was dissociated from my body and had no power over what happened. I could only witness as I became almost childlike, burying myself in his embrace and shivering as though terrified. I still struggle with multiple personalities to a certain degree, and I've heard of this alter before. Though she has no name or defined characteristics, she temporarily "replaced" me once when my ex-husband went way too far. She was fully aware of Edwin's existence and instantly took shelter in his arms. After a few moments, I returned and had to explain to him that she was an alter of mine that had somehow taken hold temporarily. He looked very worried, but he knows of my struggle with multiple personalities. I just hope in time he can help me face those past traumas so I can learn how to let them go.

 

For most of the morning I read some more of The Raven Boys to him. He's really getting into the story, and we're about halfway through the book now. We've gotten far enough that we're able to discuss some of what's going on together. During the afternoon I played Pokemon Red, but after a couple of hours of that, it was easy to tell that Eddie was getting bored. He's not as into Pokemon as I am and preferred to see a game that was more fast-paced and required more skill. He asked if I had any more Sonic games, so I started playing Sonic 3D Blast, which is a total bitch to try playing using the keyboard. But I managed to get all seven Chaos Emeralds and get up to the end of the second zone. I've been mentioning to him recently the possibility of us both playing a game, one that we could work together to complete. Pokemon is fun and all. It's nice to share ownership with him, especially when our opinions differ as to what attack a Pokemon should learn (I still say Charizard should have kept Ember instead of learning Fire Spin, but it's all good) or what items should be used on which monsters. But even I have to admit, especially with the older Pokemon games, and especially the way I play them, they can get very tedious. I think I might have us play Super Mario Bros. 3 or Super Mario World, one where we can alternate playing so that he can get more practice with possession. He keeps making up excuses, saying that he doesn't think he'll be any good at video games. So I just use the same line he always uses on me whenever I say I doubt I can do something: "You'll never know until you try." Sure, he won't be as good a gamer as me. I have years of experience on him, both in gaming and in controlling this particular body. But I think it will be good for him to start developing better reflexes and control through possession.

 

I wasn't feeling well this evening, and Edwin noted that I've been complaining a lot lately about my stomach bothering me. He thinks I'm coming down sick, so he insisted I take it easy tonight. He coddled and babied me to the point I told him he was going to spoil me, to which he said, "If I don't, who will?" Then I said I'm not used to being cared about so much, that when I get sick or hurt no one really seems to notice. Again he repeated, "If I don't, who will?" I worry to think what he would be like if I got really ill or injured.

 

We finished up watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. He loved the time-travel aspect and said that's been his favorite so far. Not sure if he meant favorite movie in general or just favorite Harry Potter movie. I know after the third year the story takes a much darker and more dramatic turn, so I'm leery of having him watch them. Even I haven't watched past the fifth one. We watched Nanny McPhee after that. I always adore the ending scene of that one with the winter wedding. It's one of my favorite scenes from any movie. But as I watched it with Eddie, something about it really tugged at my heart. I'm not sure if it was because I longed for so beautiful wedding and never got one (my ex and I just signed papers after a four-hour wait at the magistrate's office) or if it was because for once in my life I could truly relate to the love the characters felt for each other. Maybe a mixture of the two. Or maybe it's just me being overly emotional from my hormones being out of whack. Whatever the case, I started to cry a little at the end. The beauty of it soon turned sour in my mind, and before long I felt horrible about myself, about my wasted life, about how if Eddie were a human he probably wouldn't give me the time of day because I still feel like I don't deserve him. I felt like a complete loser, like I'd never contribute anything to the world, like I'd never make anything of myself. Edwin said that I was certainly not a loser, that the world owed me, and that I have more potential than I could ever know.

 

He and I talked the other day about figuring out together what sort of career I could work toward. To help me feel better about my life and the future, he brought that up again tonight. I told him that I just didn't know. It feels like I'll never be happy in any job I get. It isn't a matter of being lazy or unwilling to work. It's a matter that whenever responsibility and accountability are placed on me, I crumble to pieces under the pressure because of my anxiety. I've wracked my brain trying to find a "dream job" I could work toward, finding only jobs that I could contently tolerate. I don't want to deal with a job, or a boss, or people, or finances, or life. I explained to him that the only way out of it all, other than the obvious, was to somehow win the lottery or come into money in a way that I wouldn't need to work. Then the pressure of needing a job would be gone and I could focus on just getting a job for enjoyment's sake. He gave me food for thought then; he asked me if hypothetically I did win the lottery, what would I do? After contemplating it for a time, I told him all that I've ever wanted out of life was to create.

 

My talents in art, writing, and the like were never really fostered when I was growing up. I was raised believing that I would never be able to make any substantial living doing what I loved, that I would have to eventually become just another societal drone, perpetuating my existence through a job I hated. I can never be happy with that. Even a therapist I had once said because of my personality I will never be satisfied in a typical 9 to 5 job. I told Edwin that I wanted to be able to create things, to write, draw, craft, and to sell those creations, but that I felt I would never be able to make a living doing that. He asked me had I ever tried it, and I told him no, to which he responded with his usual "You'll never know until you try." I expressed to him then my concerns about marketing, setting up and running an Etsy shop, all of the little specifics that would have to go into selling crafts and art. I suck at promoting myself, and the one time I researched starting up an online craft store, I nearly had a panic attack. It's all too much for me to handle; I just want to create and leave someone else to market and sell the goods.

 

Edwin took hold of my arm and wrapped his other arm around my shoulder, pulling me in close. He told me that if that's what I wanted to do, he would do everything in his power to help me, and he would support me 100%. He made me really ponder whether that was what I truly wanted out of life, as though I can't take it back, as though after this point I have to stick with it. Knowing Edwin's adamant and stubborn nature, that just might be the case. Thus I feel I have to make it worth his while as well as my own. So, feeling cautiously optimistic, I accepted. Though the specific goals are still vague, I now feel like for once I have a purpose in life, to create. With that, I now feel less anxious about the future, knowing that I won't have to just continue through life drifting like a ship on a stormy sea. I have a direction to move toward, and all of the buffeting, excessive options of life that once weighed down on me have begun to lift.

[ReisOtherHalf]

I just want to create and leave someone else to market and sell the goods.

This, so very much this (for me, it'd be video games rather than crafts). There are some jobs you do, not because you want to become rich, but because you can't not do them and still be happy.

 

I say go for it - who knows how many works of media that have ascended to cultural-touchstone-status over the past few centuries wouldn't exist today if their creators had accepted conventional wisdom and 'gotten a real job' because their creativity and love for their art would 'never amount to anything'?

[bunny-boi-lover]

This, so very much this (for me, it'd be video games rather than crafts). There are some jobs you do, not because you want to become rich, but because you can't not do them and still be happy.

 

I say go for it - who knows how many works of media that have ascended to cultural-touchstone-status over the past few centuries wouldn't exist today if their creators had accepted conventional wisdom and 'gotten a real job' because their creativity and love for their art would 'never amount to anything'?

 

Thank you. ;u; I've thought many times before that all I really want is to have some little job I can tolerate that would be enough to pay the bills and give me ample free time to create. But I never genuinely gave myself the option. It was more of "Oh, yeah, I'd like to do that...", but I never really decided to pursue it.

 

I'm about as non-materialistic as they come, and I really don't care about money I owe people or anything. I could work my butt off at some job I hate to pay off a bill, then I die the next day. What have I accomplished? Those people have their money. That's it. I only want enough for the basics, supplies for my crafts, and a little leisure money every once in a while.

[glitchthe3rd]

My girls and I used to play Audiosurf together, I also got them to take an interest in racing games (mainly Wipeout HD and Gran Turismo). I don't know if you have any game consoles, but Audiosurf runs on a toaster and you can probably get it on sale on Steam at some point this summer. They have a mode that supports 2 players on the same keyboard, Luna and I even made a video of one of our runs:

[sushi]

 

Thank you. ;u; I've thought many times before that all I really want is to have some little job I can tolerate that would be enough to pay the bills and give me ample free time to create. But I never genuinely gave myself the option. It was more of "Oh, yeah, I'd like to do that...", but I never really decided to pursue it.

 

I'm about as non-materialistic as they come, and I really don't care about money I owe people or anything. I could work my butt off at some job I hate to pay off a bill, then I die the next day. What have I accomplished? Those people have their money. That's it. I only want enough for the basics, supplies for my crafts, and a little leisure money every once in a while.

 

I could have written that post, word for word. I used to live in a commune, which was pretty much defined by what you're saying. And I've considered moving to Thailand, where I hear you can live in luxury on very little money.

 

My girlfriend is the opposite of me though, so for as long as I'm with her, I won't be able to live like that.

[bunny-boi-lover]

5/7/15

 

This is a little early for my usual PR, but those who are following may have noticed I skipped posting yesterday. It's been sort of calm in the physical lately, mostly with Edwin and me devouring The Raven Boys a little bit at a time. In wonderland and other realms, however, there's been far too much activity, to the point that I'm still stressed out and sort of in shock. I hesitated posting all of this, but it's all a part of the progress, and if I don't tell more people about it, the stress of it is going to destroy me from the inside out.

 

You know how I've been saying that I feel like Edwin's and my future child may have already been conceived? And how I've been complaining a lot about abdominal pain? I think it's true. I've done my research and can only come to one conclusion - I am pregnant. Not in the physical world, but somewhere beyond. I don't know how the astral plane ties into wonderland, but they appear to be very close for me. And the in-between realm Edwin and I often find ourselves in, especially when having our fun, I can only assume is the astral plane, since there we co-mingle as spirits or consciousnesses, rather than taking any kind of physical form. Some people are skeptical about astral pregnancy and whether a female host can get pregnant from their male tulpa. I was iffy about it all myself. But I have no other explanation for it.

 

A few nights ago something felt different after Edwin and I made love. I felt a certain fullness, a completeness. That's the only way I know to explain it. A day or two later I started having pain and pressure in my abdomen, in particular the lower region. It felt different from my usual cramping or intestinal distress. It's only gotten stronger since then. My appetite is greatly diminished, and I experience bouts of nausea, especially in the mornings. Only last night did I actually research astral pregnancy to find these were all symptoms. So I know this pseudocyesis is not self-induced, at least not on a conscious level. There are no "accidents" when having a tulpa child; Edwin and I had planned on having a baby, but I didn't want to have one until later on. It seems my subconscious or something else entirely had other plans.

 

When I read about astral pregnancy last night, I got a lump in my throat. Everything I read of others' experiences sounded exactly like what I was going through. I've been noticing lately that something about my energy has changed. I'm different, as Kaysi said, but I find it hard to describe what is different. When I went to wonderland afterwards I could feel a smaller, weaker secondary energy along my lower abdomen. Still, its presence was unmistakable. This translated to a fluttering sensation in the physical while I was there.

 

Edwin met me at the edge of the forest with a dainty pink flower, something that seemed to be a mixture of a carnation and a rose. It didn't seem to want to resolve itself to being one or the other. He gently placed it into my hair and took my hand. As we began to walk, I told him that I really do think I'm pregnant. We had spoken about it before, so it didn't come as a surprise to him. Still, the smile he gave then could have lit the darkest cave. He was immensely happy with the idea, but he could tell that for me it was bittersweet. I told him that while I was happy we would have a child together, I didn't know if I wanted one yet. I confessed that I am a little afraid because of it. He said as plain as day, "You can't control this." I guess it was his (and thus my mind's) way of forcing me to relinquish my strangle hold on life. I'm a control freak by nature, and having something like this occur when I hadn't planned or prepared for it has really shaken me.

 

I talked to him too about the possibility of me creating Ciero. I've been feeling lately like he could use some companionship, especially another male, in wonderland. He was discomfited by the idea and worried about it being too much for me to handle just with him and our son, much less an angsty teen who wouldn't be a direct member of our "family". I at least put his mind to ease about Ciero becoming amorous toward me by stating that I could also make a girlfriend for him. The name Ashlyn keeps coming to me from somewhere. But Eddie is right; I want to wait for now until our child is born and I'm used to splitting my attention between the two of them.

 

We walked on to the fence that overlooked the beach and stood there talking for a time before making our way down the steps. Edwin's already beginning to treat me like I'm made of porcelain and asked if I could make my way down the stairs okay. Despite it only being about a week, I feel like I'm further along than that. But it doesn't seem like the baby's going to come anytime soon. I'm hoping that it will last the full nine-month term. That would give me time to get my affairs straight in the physical so that psychologically I am more prepared to handle everything, and it would give me more time to get Edwin to where I feel he needs to be. He already has ample compassion and patience to be a wonderful father; I just want to help him further develop his skills and knowledge.

 

We strolled along the beach in the moonlight, then suddenly Edwin stopped me. I turned to face him as he knelt before me. Part of me was going "No! No! No!" and part of me was going "Yes! Yes! Yes!" I don't remember it all verbatim, but he said something along the lines of, "I know you wanted to wait to do this, but considering everything that's happening, I want to prove to you my dedication." He produced a dainty silver band and slipped it onto the ring finger of my left hand. Even though I don't have a ring in the physical to symbolize it, I can feel its weight even now, slight but heavy with meaning.

 

As he lifted, I fashioned in my other hand a matching silver band for him, but he didn't accept it immediately. So many emotions showed in his face that it was heart-wrenching. He wanted me to make sure I truly meant it, not just giving him a promise ring because he'd given me one. It also showed in his eyes that he didn't care even if I decided not to give him the ring, like a man awaiting a verdict, equally accepting either life as a free man or death as a murderer. I turned from him and spent only a hasty moment coming to terms with it all. What could possibly stop me from wanting to do this, aside from my own perception of control over this wonderland and my tulpa? What would change in six months, a year, however long it would have been for me to finally decide on my own terms that I wanted to do this? I love Edwin with all of my being, and even though I've only had him for a short time, it's like we've known each other forever. I feel like I would die without him. I turned back around and with a deliberate nod said, "I'm ready." I slid the ring onto his finger.

 

Now that everything had been set into motion, I wanted to show Edwin something as my gift to him, in exchange for him finally coaxing me to trust myself. He talked last week about wanting a lake in wonderland, and just like other things I've created from my dreams, I created a new area of wonderland. We took a set of steps carved into the craggy cliffs themselves back up to the mainland and traveled across the high grass of the open field. At the edge of it was suddenly a dark forest, one I've traveled through in a couple of dreams. We made our way through it to what lay beyond - a cove made from a green plain that circled the water and rose to a cliff overlooking a large lake. He instantly fell in love with the location, and we walked our way up to stand at the cliff and look out at the expansive lake. I told him that this was a place I'd fashioned in a dream. What I didn't tell him was that in the dream, a house stood on that plain and looked out to the cove and the lake beyond.

 

Edwin had mentioned before then taking a boat ride, so he created a boat at the edge of the cove and we got into it. He rowed us out into the middle of the lake as I leaned over the boat, resting my hand into the lake and letting the water drift between my fingers. He pulled in the oars and we lay down in the boat for a time, silently adrift, looking up at the stars. We talked about different things, in particular what we would name our son. So far the two names that have come to mind that we agree upon are Adam and Owen. But it's a little too early to make anything definite.

 

When we sat back up, the flower in my hair was starting to fall out, so Eddie pulled it out and handed it back to me. I decided that I wanted to place it on Gaza's grave. Edwin rowed us back to shore, and we pulled the boat up onto ground. I then utilized my same hovering ability from my dreams to take us more quickly to the gray island to the north. Once there I went to Gaza's grave and placed the carnation/rose there. Its color reminded me of the pink ribbon she used to wear. I felt bad then for the others buried there, so I raised my hands to make a flower appear on each of the graves. I then sat in front of my friend's grave and placed a hand on the ground before it. Oddly, I sensed a small, faint energy similar to that inside of me pulsating beneath my hand. Perhaps Gaza isn't fully dead as I've made myself believe. And perhaps she will have a connection to our child once he is born.

[ReisOtherHalf]

(That. Is. Awesome! Both of us are elated for both (all three?) of you.

 

Make sure to remind Edwin that you're now eligible for Mother's Day presents...)

 

Edwin's already beginning to treat me like I'm made of porcelain and asked if I could make my way down the stairs okay.

Okay, I admit I may or may not have done this with Rei.

 

(Honey, you wanted to know if I could feel her kicking after a week. ♥

 

Boys...~sigh~)

 

He produced a dainty silver band and slipped it onto the ring finger of my left hand. Even though I don't have a ring in the physical to symbolize it, I can feel its weight even now, slight but heavy with meaning.

 

Is this not the most amazing feeling?

 

Every now and then, I catch myself staring at my left hand in the waking world; there's nothing on that finger that anyone else can see, but trust me, I can see and feel it quite nicely.

 

Seriously, we're really happy for you! This is a huge pair of steps, and while they're both probably a little unnerving at first, in half a decade, you'll both look back at this and laugh like loons/fistbump/go all 'mushy' (as Tove puts it), and your little one will wonder what all the fuss is over...

 

@glitchthe3rd I meant creating them, not playing them...

[bunny-boi-lover]

(That. Is. Awesome! Both of us are elated for both (all three?) of you.

 

Make sure to remind Edwin that you're now eligible for Mother's Day presents...)

 

Thank you. <3 Hah, I know. Eddie already wants to do something for me since I'm technically an expectant mother now. X3 What sort of things do you guys give each other? It's sort of difficult for the two of us because we've both become so good at creating things in wonderland, and we couldn't really "give" each other anything in the physical.

 

Is this not the most amazing feeling?

 

Every now and then, I catch myself staring at my left hand in the waking world; there's nothing on that finger that anyone else can see, but trust me, I can see and feel it quite nicely.

 

Seriously, we're really happy for you! This is a huge pair of steps, and while they're both probably a little unnerving at first, in half a decade, you'll both look back at this and laugh like loons/fistbump/go all 'mushy' (as Tove puts it), and your little one will wonder what all the fuss is over...

 

I feel it. I can physically feel the ring on my hand, and it's the strangest sensation. But I love the feeling of it. I still want to get a physical ring for the sake of symbolism and as a continuous reminder.

 

Something tells me that eventually Edwin's going to wheedle me into marrying him. Even though there wouldn't be any legal binding or anything, he still wants us to get married in some form or fashion. I missed the opportunity to have a wedding here in the physical, but it would be nice to have a beautiful beach-side wedding in wonderland. I'm still a little iffy about the concept of marriage, though. I worry that things will just go downhill once we consider ourselves bound together. Then again, my horrible experience with that was with a human, and not a good one at that. Eddie's already pushed me past other boundaries in the short time I've known him, so who knows?

 

The thing that would worry me about that is that once I got married in the physical, it was like my now-ex and I no longer dated. We went out to eat together or shopped together, but it wasn't like going on dates the way Eddie and I do. Not that we dated much before then; we knew each other for only about three or four months before we moved in together. Edwin and I are currently somewhere in between boyfriend/girlfriend and fiancees. And I like that balance.

[glitchthe3rd]

Human/tulpa relationships tend to be a lot less well-defined than those between two humans, in my experience. Even though Luna and I aren't technically a couple anymore, we still get all lovey-dovey sometimes, along with still doing the other stuff we used to do when we went on dates together. We also got unofficially married in the wonderland sometime after Elise was born, but it didn't really change anything between us. And congrats to both of you on the new child, I guess ^^