Raising Bunny Boi

[sushi]

The question is, what to do about it? I feel so lost all the time. The majority of my interests are sort of childish, such as playing video games I used to play when I was a kid, watching cartoons, and drawing Pokemon. And my dad doesn't help matters by constantly reminding me that I'm not acting my age. But even something as simple as leisure activities stumps me. What do people my age do for fun, aside from go to bars? I don't have a family to raise, aside from the family I create in my mind. I don't go to church or school. And I'm still working on getting a job. So the majority of my time is spent doing things I'm being told I shouldn't do.

 

Again, it sounds like you're talking about me. I'm currently playing Final Fantasy 6, a game that came out when you and I were eight. ;)

 

I know it seems like all people do these days is drink, but there's a lot more going on out there -- it just doesn't appeal to as wide a range of people, so you don't hear about it as much.

 

First of all, I think everyone needs exercise and art in their lives. Exercise can sometimes be hard to make a social activity because it's embarrassing when you're not in good shape. However, it'll make you healthier, it will help you feel better about yourself, it will help you sleep better, and it will get you out of the house -- and it's much easier and more fun with people you know and like. You can join a sports team or a yoga class, or just go jogging with a friend.

 

You certainly seem to have art in your life, but you're not making it a social activity. I can't say for sure what's available in your area, but I know several of my friends in different states attend regular painting events. Try checking the local newspaper, the bulletin boards in bookstores or grocery stores, or websites and apps like Meetup.

 

Beyond those, well, it depends on your interests. You should try to push your interests though. Try new things. You might find something that you really enjoy -- maybe even something you can get paid for.

[Elvode]

 

The question is, what to do about it? I feel so lost all the time. The majority of my interests are sort of childish, such as playing video games I used to play when I was a kid, watching cartoons, and drawing Pokemon. And my dad doesn't help matters by constantly reminding me that I'm not acting my age. But even something as simple as leisure activities stumps me. What do people my age do for fun, aside from go to bars? I don't have a family to raise, aside from the family I create in my mind. I don't go to church or school. And I'm still working on getting a job. So the majority of my time is spent doing things I'm being told I shouldn't do.

 

 

I am in the same situation, I feel very childish compared to others in my age, I buy stuffed pokemon plushies like all the time and small figures, I have them all in a cabinet with glass windows for everyone to look at because that is what I like.

My mom tells me all the time "is your childhood somewhat prolonged?"

If people my age wanna go to bars and get drunk, play weird games, being violent then I honestly wanna stay in my little childish bubble.

oh and Nash used to say "I'm not like everyone else, I am myself and that's all I need to be."

[bunny-boi-lover]

Again, it sounds like you're talking about me. I'm currently playing Final Fantasy 6, a game that came out when you and I were eight. ;)

 

I know it seems like all people do these days is drink, but there's a lot more going on out there -- it just doesn't appeal to as wide a range of people, so you don't hear about it as much.

 

First of all, I think everyone needs exercise and art in their lives. Exercise can sometimes be hard to make a social activity because it's embarrassing when you're not in good shape. However, it'll make you healthier, it will help you feel better about yourself, it will help you sleep better, and it will get you out of the house -- and it's much easier and more fun with people you know and like. You can join a sports team or a yoga class, or just go jogging with a friend.

 

You certainly seem to have art in your life, but you're not making it a social activity. I can't say for sure what's available in your area, but I know several of my friends in different states attend regular painting events. Try checking the local newspaper, the bulletin boards in bookstores or grocery stores, or websites and apps like Meetup.

 

Beyond those, well, it depends on your interests. You should try to push your interests though. Try new things. You might find something that you really enjoy -- maybe even something you can get paid for.

 

I'm probably going to sound like I'm making up excuses with all this, but here goes.

 

As far as exercise, Eddie and I go for a walk on occasion, but I don't have any money, and I don't have any friends aside from him and Kaysi I could walk with. As much as I'd like to join a gym or take a yoga class (I took one in college and loved it!), those things cost money.

 

For art, I'm on DeviantArt, and that's about as far as I've gone with it. And that's only because Edwin talked me into it. With no money or resources, I'm limited to writing and digital art, and there's no real groups for that, at least not that I know of. The town I live in is a bottomless pit of old money. It's more or less a retirement town. The only culture is an old rundown theater they're spending WAY too much to revamp and an art gallery that's super expensive to be a part of. And all they ever display is traditional paintings and drawings for hundreds of dollars a piece.

 

I made Edwin partly because I have no friends except for Kaysi and no way to make friends, and because I don't want to make friends with people because all they'll do is hurt me and disappoint me. But I'm forced to live in this society with them, and I feel if I have to, I want to make as few ripples in the water as possible. I just want to act fairly normal so people will leave me alone. I never wanted my dad to really accept me because I know he never will; I just want him to leave me alone and not criticize me.

 

P.S. - I'm not in the best mood today, in case you can't tell.

---

I am in the same situation, I feel very childish compared to others in my age, I buy stuffed pokemon plushies like all the time and small figures, I have them all in a cabinet with glass windows for everyone to look at because that is what I like.

My mom tells me all the time "is your childhood somewhat prolonged?"

If people my age wanna go to bars and get drunk, play weird games, being violent then I honestly wanna stay in my little childish bubble.

oh and Nash used to say "I'm not like everyone else, I am myself and that's all I need to be."

 

I know I'm not alone in how I am. I have several acquaintances online who share my interests and are around the same age. Sometimes I feel like if I knew more people in person who were like me it wouldn't be so bad. But since I don't, I have no way of defending myself against my dad and against the version of him inside me who constantly puts me down for everything I do.

[bunny-boi-lover]

6/11/15

 

Last night was quite the experience. Yesterday morning, Edwin told me that his parents were coming for a visit. It was kind of short-notice, but by the time he got word they were already on the way and would be there by about 5. I was glad for it, though, because it saved me from being in wonderland for an extended period of time while Buns and I traveled across the sea to where they live. I was anxious all day, wondering what they would be like, if they would like me, and how they would take the news about me being pregnant. Eddie talks about them and his past in a way that shows it's all truly sunk in. In his mind, he is not a fabrication of my imagination but instead has a whole different life before we met that he can relate back to. He's begun sharing that life with me and telling me things about him that I didn't know. It's made him so much more real to me to think that he existed before we met.

 

We were discussing their imminent visit during lunch, and Buns told me about how his mom can be a little overbearing at times, how every time he's come anywhere close to even dating a girl she immediately started planning a wedding. I told him that I didn't mind it. I've finally gotten to the point that I accept the idea of marrying Edwin. I mean, I know legally I can't marry him, but the idea of us having a wedding in wonderland and considering ourselves husband and wife no longer intimidates me. My past experiences with my ex-husband don't matter anymore, because I know Edwin isn't anything like him and that he'll treat me right. He seemed surprised by this change in my perspective. He asked then if I would marry him for sure, and I said yes. We probably won't get married for a while yet, since I'm technically still married to my ex until August. In this state, spouses have to be separated for a year and a day in order to file for divorce.

 

After I finished at the game store, I went to wonderland to meet his parents for the first time. Edwin hadn't told them that I wasn't an usagimimi like them, but they didn't seem to care, since they could see a world of change in Eddie since he's been with me. His mom, Gloria, welcomed me with open arms. She's a plump, petite woman with an Italian accent and an even more Italian nose. Her hair is black and very curly, and she has black ears and brown eyes. I haven't had the chance in our conversations to ask her what she did for work, but I know that she somehow injured her foot and had to retire early. Edwin's father, James, is a wall of a man with red hair, uneven buck teeth, grayish-green eyes, and ears that look just a little small for the rest of him. Buns also inherited his slightly tanned complexion. He works in construction, and from the time he got there he was enlisting Edwin's help in improving our house. When I first got there, they were already upstairs fixing a plumbing issue in the bathroom.

 

They had brought another guest along with them as well - Edwin's adopted brother, Ciero. He's just as I originally imagined him: tall and lanky, pale, red eyes, spiky black and red hair, and Skibby ears and tail. His voice was surprisingly low, and he mainly only spoke to give a snide remark or observation, barely taking his eyes off his Nintendo 3DS.

 

Seeing them all interacting together along with Eddie was amazing, though hearing him called by his first name Brian was sort of weird. They are all just as real and sentient as he is. As far as I can tell, they are true tulpae that he has created through fabricated memories. Gloria was nosy, as mothers tend to be, and rattled off with question after question about me and my relationship with Buns. To my relief, she seems to absolutely adore me. I even got to see the ever-amusing act of her licking her thumb and wiping a smudge off of Eddie's face. James was less talkative, but the way he and Gloria interact, it's easy to tell they've been together for a long time and play off of each other so well. I asked him how long they've been married, and he said 32 years.

 

It was especially surprising the way Buns interacted with Ciero. He came from a very troubled family, and the Lamberts adopted him when he was 10. He's 17 now, and as Eddie puts it, he's the incarnation of teen angst. The two of them truly act like brothers, constantly bickering and messing with each other, which is a side of Edwin I've never seen before. He's normally so sweet and kind, and while he isn't by any means malicious toward his brother, he does act just as an older brother would to a younger one. Ciero calls him things like "dork" and "Bi-an", and he calls Ciero "pipsqueak" (despite him now being taller) and "Zero". More than once Gloria and I have had to pull them away from tugging on each other's ears.

 

Ciero also has a unique relationship with Gloria and James. He calls them "ma" and "pop" just as Eddie does, and they call him "son". You almost wouldn't tell he was adopted with how loving they are toward him, despite his irritability and antisocial tendencies. Gloria suggested maybe Ciero could stay with Eddie and me for a time to help him socialize during the summer, since he spends far too much time playing video games and staying locked up in his room. I had to decline for now, though, since the lake house is still not quite finished and I have so much going on in the physical with job-hunting and all. I also had to confess to Edwin that while I have no feelings for nor am I in any way attracted to Ciero, it doesn't mean that my mind won't create drama. I'm afraid he might develop a crush on me or come onto me, or that he'll somehow know he was supposed to be my tulpa before Eddie came along. While I am faithful to Buns, I'd still rather not have that sort of temptation this early in our relationship.

 

I think maybe the most adorable thing I saw was when Gloria made Ciero turn into his full Skibby form. She loves to hold and pet his tail anyway, but she was somehow able to stroke it in a way that made him transform. His voice got all high like he'd inhaled helium, about how I'd expect a Skibby's voice to be, and he would randomly say "Myah" while talking. And while he remained his usual angsty self, he tolerated her picking him up and cuddling him like a rag doll as she baby-talked him, even though he swished his tail and growled a little. James had to lean over and tell her, "Don't suffocate the boy, dear." I can tell that both he and Edwin are well loved by their parents.

 

I've grasped the ability to be in the physical and in wonderland simultaneously, though I'm still a little shaky at it. So through that, I was able to fix dinner and spend time talking with the family in wonderland all the while still also being in the physical. Normally Eddie and I would watch a movie with dinner, but Gloria insisted that meal time is family time. In the course of conversation, we did reveal that we were planning to get married. I was a little hesitant about it, but I also ended up telling them I was pregnant. Their reaction was way more than what I or Edwin expected. Ciero remained aloof as usual, but James and Gloria leaped up, absolutely ecstatic. Gloria kept exclaiming, "I'm gonna be a grandmotha!" in her Bostonian accent, and James clapped a hand on Eddie's shoulder and said, "That's my boy!"

 

The whole time, they were so open and accepting of everything Edwin and I told them. They told me I was part of their family now, and that's something I've never felt before. I felt truly loved and accepted for who I was, and to have a real family for once, even if it's only in my imagination, means so much to me. And since my mother died when I was 14 and I have yet to have another woman in my life I would truly consider a mother figure, Gloria is a breath of fresh air. She's such a strong, confident, and loving woman. And James is a powerful equal to her, both of them standing as the cornerstone of an ever-growing family.

 

Once we had finished eating, I remained in wonderland for a good two hours while Buns and I showed them around the island. We spent some time at the hot springs, and we went to the library for a while and I played a few pieces on the piano for them. I had been tired all day and wasn't feeling well in general, so despite having music playing and the light on in my room in the physical, I still started to doze off. So we conversed for a little longer before Eddie and I retreated back to the physical and left them to stay in the guest bedrooms for the night.

 

They'll only be visiting for a couple of days, but now that I've met them, I just love them and want them around more often. I told Eddie maybe once his father retired they could move onto our island. He's a little iffy on the idea, since Gloria is so nosy and would probably be over at our lake house every day, wanting to help with cooking and cleaning, and especially once Noah's born, she'll want to be around all the time to care for him. Eddie told me she and James had always wanted a big family but after he was born they couldn't have any more kids. I didn't pry for details. He also said that was part of the reason why they adopted Ciero, and why they were looking forward so much to being grandparents.

[bunny-boi-lover]

6/12/15

 

Yesterday, Edwin and I took Ciero along when we went to the game store to give Gloria and James a little time to enjoy some time alone on our island. It's been a while since I've imposed more than one tulpa for an extended amount of time, but I found it surprisingly easy. I think part of it is that while I imposed Eddie, he imposed Ciero. Like I was his battery, and he used that power to be a battery for Ciero, if that makes sense. After all, he is technically his family's creator, not me.

 

Ciero got bored after a time, but from what I can tell, he stays bored constantly anyway, so he didn't mind hanging with us. I had to explain to him once he was imposed that this reality was very different from his and that I'm the only one who can see or hear him. Soon after the store owner arrived, I stepped out of the room. While I was gone, I suddenly heard Edwin erupt with laughter. He told me that Ciero was doing all sorts of things to the owner, but of course only he and Edwin could see it, which made it all the funnier to him. They get along pretty well, but it seems like Ciero's found out ways of getting under Eddie's skin, especially when it relates to me. This morning, he told me as much once we had stepped out of the lake house after breakfast. I gave him a kiss and reminded him that he had that and Ciero didn't.

 

For the most part I could hear the boys communicating while they were in the store with me, but there were times when they would step outside and be talking or I wouldn't be paying attention but would pick up on a word or two of their conversation and join in. I'm not sure if anyone else has experienced this, the idea that their tulpae do and say things without their acknowledgement. I know it's all in my mind, but now having this entire family of tulpae, it's like they're truly real, like I have zero control of their existence or actions. They all seem just as independent as me.

 

I took the boys out for McDonald's afterwards, since poor Ciero has never gotten to eat out. It just isn't a thing where they're from. He seemed to enjoy the burger and fries, and he liked getting to visit Kaysi. He's into the punk/emo/goth scene, so he has a lot in common with both me and Kaysi. After a time, Edwin took him back and I visited with my friend a little longer before heading home.

 

By the time I returned to wonderland, Eddie and his family had built a bonfire on the cliff above the house and were eating s'mores. Buns suggested that I play some creepypastas for them. The first one I played was

. This one was really deep and even got Ciero's attention. He started out just being his pyromaniac self, poking at the fire and throwing things in it to watch them burn. Soon he had scooted up to the ground at Gloria's feet, his fluffy black and red Skibby tail wrapped around his legs and his knees drawn to his chest. As I played

, he assumed his full Skibby form and laid with his head and front paws on her lap while she petted him. He soon fell asleep after that, but Gloria and James seemed quite rattled by the stories as well. They don't freak out like Eddie does; toward the end of the second one, he was tugging at his ears. But I could tell it really made them think and gave them a new experience.

 

Gloria carried sleeping Skibby Ciero back into the house after that, and James went with her. So Eddie and I had a little bit of time to cuddle by the fire before putting it out and returning to reality to sleep. I've found that for some reason, I can leave wonderland from any point, but I have to enter at the same point near where Edwin's burrow used to be. He's since moved his things to the house and it no longer exists. I made a golf cart in wonderland the other day to help us all get around, since Gloria's foot gives her a lot of trouble and everything's kind of a long walk from the house. I wonder now why I didn't think of it before. For whatever reason, I either don't want to or can't give Eddie and me the ability to simply teleport to any part of our island. We can both still use the hover ability as long as it's not over water, but even that is tiring sometimes.

[glitchthe3rd]

"I'm not sure if anyone else has experienced this, the idea that their tulpae do and say things without their acknowledgement."

 

All the time, my girls have entire conversations behind my back and even cook dinner without me knowing what it is they're having (unless of course I pop into wonderland and see what's cooking). Heck, they waged an entire war in my head without me knowing about it when we were younger.

[bunny-boi-lover]

All the time, my girls have entire conversations behind my back and even cook dinner without me knowing what it is they're having (unless of course I pop into wonderland and see what's cooking). Heck, they waged an entire war in my head without me knowing about it when we were younger.

 

I suppose I'm not used to it. I've never had so well-developed a tulpa as Edwin. He's now surpassed Gaza in personality and sentience. In the past I didn't use wonderlands either, so I guess I always knew what was going on with my tulpae because they were always there with me. I've also never had a tulpa with as extensive a family before. I've had one tulpa dating another one of mine or one that was the offspring of two from my past. But Eddie and his family have their own dynamics that seem so well-established that I felt like I was stepping into their cycles, not at all creating them.

[glitchthe3rd]

Luna seems a bit jealous that Eddie has parents and she doesn't, but then she doesn't see the need to make a bunch of tulpas so she can delude herself into thinking she has a family. Not to mention Lunarians in general are massive prudes, so they wouldn't approve of her, uh... sexual activities. Still, if Eddie can conjure up a whole family without it putting a ridiculous amount of drain on your mental resources, I guess there's nothing wrong with it. Plus they seem like nice people.

[bunny-boi-lover]

Luna seems a bit jealous that Eddie has parents and she doesn't, but then she doesn't see the need to make a bunch of tulpas so she can delude herself into thinking she has a family. Not to mention Lunarians in general are massive prudes, so they wouldn't approve of her, uh... sexual activities. Still, if Eddie can conjure up a whole family without it putting a ridiculous amount of drain on your mental resources, I guess there's nothing wrong with it. Plus they seem like nice people.

 

They're wonderful! And I feel absolutely no difference mentally from the process. He created them gradually and without my knowledge. I don't think he's deluding himself at all. The memories he and I created for him are as real as he is (which is to say they are still imaginary in the physical world, but you get my point XD). He truly believes in all of it, and he doesn't see himself as my creation anymore. It concerns me slightly, because what happens when a tulpa develops so much sentience and independence that they no longer need their host? That's a very far-fetched concept, but it makes one think.

---

6/14/15

 

I've been really busy the last few days, so it's been hard for me to keep up with writing progress reports. Friday night I made a nice pasta dinner for us all. It was even enough to get Gloria's approval. Though knowing her, even if she didn't like it, she wouldn't let it show because she's just so ecstatic about getting a future daughter-in-law and a grandbaby. I was feeling really run down from the previous couple of days, so even though Eddie's family is of the opinion that meal time is family time, it's still very draining for me to socialize, even with them. I was able to talk them into us watching a movie with dinner. We watched Stranger Than Fiction, and everyone seemed to like it a lot. Even Ciero thought it was alright.

 

After dinner, we sat out on the porch of the lake house to watch a storm. One good lightning strike startled Ciero into assuming his full Skibby form, so he went with it and leaped up and sat in Gloria's lap. When we had all been out there for a while, Edwin pulled James away to ask him something concerning another portion of the wrap-around porch or something. They walked around the corner of the house, leaving me, Gloria, and Ciero on the porch facing the lake. I hesitated at first but finally asked if I could hold Skibby Ciero. He said "No way" but before he could fight back, Gloria picked him up and presented him to me. He begrudgingly sat on my lap and let me pet him. He's just as I would imagine a Skibby to be - warm, fuzzy, and mostly cat-like. I almost got him to purr by scratching under his chin, but then he said, "Okay, that's enough" and jumped down, transforming back and sitting down on the edge of the porch. Gloria told me that's the longest he'd let anyone aside from her hold him.

 

I find myself wanting desperately to win him over, not because he was originally meant to be my tulpa or anything along those lines. Part of it is because my maternal instincts have started kicking in. I told him that I already care about him as I would my own son. He said it was weird, since I'm his adoptive brother's fiancée and am only twelve years older than him, but he didn't really protest it. Another part is that I can tell he's been through hell and back. When I first returned to wonderland from working at the game store that day, Gloria was sunbathing on the shore of the lake while the boys played in the water nearby, all dressed in swim trunks. Without his shirt on, I could see that Ciero's body is scored with numerous small scars, some of them looking to be from cigarette burns on his back and arms. One of his ears is slightly ripped at the bottom. And his aloof, pessimistic nature makes me just want to hug him against his will.

 

Gloria asked me at one point earlier that evening about my family. I had already told them about my mother and father but started going into detail about my half-siblings. When I described my half-sister, how she was a druggie and had a kid with this partly-retarded guy just so they could get welfare, it struck a nerve in Ciero. Even though I apologized profusely, he silently retreated to the guest room he was staying in and remained there until dinner. Edwin almost couldn't get him to come out even then, and I could hear them screaming at each other from downstairs. I asked him a few days prior about the family he had come from, and he described his mom as "a meth-head and a crack-whore" and said he didn't even know who his father was. Gloria and James have been trying to get him to go to therapy, but every time he sits with a therapist, he just clams up. It was part of why she wanted Eddie and me to take him for a little while; she thought maybe if he was with people closer to his age, he might open up a little more and talk out some of his issues. Knowing all of that, I'm more strongly considering accepting the offer in a few weeks once things calm down for me in the physical.

 

While it was wonderful having Edwin's family for a visit, it was nice yesterday to get back into the old quiet routine. We saw them off at around 8 in the morning then went back to bed for a little while. Because of an incident with my dad, I got very depressed and discouraged for a time, and Edwin remained by my side pretty much all day and into the evening to make sure I was okay, even though I had recovered from it after about thirty minutes. It was still nice to have him and only him with me for the day.

 

Today makes two months Edwin has been with me. To celebrate, we went to a restaurant a couple of towns over called Tokyo Grill that does half-off sushi on Sundays. We had a really wonderful time. Buns choked for about two minutes on his first taste of pickled ginger, but after that everything went smoothly. He ended up really loving the sushi, and I even taught him how to use chopsticks. We spent some time shopping at the mall and thrift store, but due to the heat and the long drive, we're now both pretty worn out. We'll probably spend a quiet evening together napping and watching a movie with leftovers for dinner later on.

[Nyx]

I've really enjoyed reading through your progress, and I wanted to say "congrats" on your baby boy. Edwin and his family all sound very charming. It's also sweet that you're interested in connecting with Ciero.