Raising Bunny Boi

[Elvode]

I highly recommend Pokemon Mystery Dungeon, I love those games almost as much as the main story games, I play the older ones on emulator since the chargers are missing for my older consoles (I'm a huge pokemon fan). I know like everything about the games and every individual pokemon, been playing since I was 7.

Nerdyness overload I know, I'm a big nerd.

 

And also Eddie is the name of my dog, I find it kinda fun!

[bunny-boi-lover]

I highly recommend Pokemon Mystery Dungeon, I love those games almost as much as the main story games, I play the older ones on emulator since the chargers are missing for my older consoles (I'm a huge pokemon fan). I know like everything about the games and every individual pokemon, been playing since I was 7.

Nerdyness overload I know, I'm a big nerd.

 

And also Eddie is the name of my dog, I find it kinda fun!

 

I haven't really played the Mystery Dungeon series. In fact, I've never really gotten past the second generation. ^-^; But as long as I've got Eddie, he'll make me play every Pokemon game in the main series and then some. So I'm sure we'll play PMD. I'll probably use his answers to determine what Pokemon we are. :D

 

Also, I once tried turning Edwin into a dog. He turned into more of this dog-bunny hybrid thing. :/

[Guest Anonymous]

5/18/15Edwin and I have decided for sure we're going to name our son Noah.

 

I love the name Noah! It is a strong name! Oh and mannequins can be very creepy! I agree with that! ~Melian

[Abvieon]

I haven't really played the Mystery Dungeon series. In fact, I've never really gotten past the second generation. ^-^; But as long as I've got Eddie, he'll make me play every Pokemon game in the main series and then some. So I'm sure we'll play PMD. I'll probably use his answers to determine what Pokemon we are. :D

 

I recommend PMD:Explorers of sky, which is part of the second series of PMD games and has Pokemon from generations 1-4. It has a better plot than any of the other PMD games in my opinion, and has several side stories which aren't found in Explorers of Time or Explorers of Darkness.

[bunny-boi-lover]

6/3/15

 

Back on Monday night, Edwin and I watched Death Note II, and were it not for him pointing out the trailer in the special features, I probably would have never known there was a third movie! D: He's good about that. Even though he's gained immense knowledge in his brief time here, he still constantly questions and notices things that I don't. He continues to be very inquisitive, and if the vibes of curiosity I received from Noah before are any indication, his son will be just the same. Edwin also prompted me to look up more about the Raven Cycle series, and now we're both spazzing out over having to wait until September for the final book to be released. But I also found a rumor that another of Stiefvater's books, The Scorpio Races, is being turned into a movie. So that might be the next thing we read.

 

Edwin has caused that change in me. He's all the time suggesting I look up and find out more about things I thought I already knew. The old has begun to blend with the new, and even something I've experienced a million times before I see in a new perspective through his eyes. I'm sure it will only be a matter of time before he mentions bringing Gaza back again. Maybe her resentment toward me in the past was partially because of my own hatred for myself that Edwin has taught me to overcome. She might see me through a different perspective as well with his help. I've been debating in bringing her back to change her appearance some too. Instead of her simply being a white mouse or a Fuizara (an original species known also as a Fairy Mouse that's a mouse with butterfly wings and antennae), I might make her a tiny human with mouse and fairy features.

 

For now, though, she will have to wait. As it stands, I had to confess to Eddie that I simply can't go back to wonderland right now. Every time I try, it's as though my soul begins to rip apart. And being a natural untrained medium, I feel like delving into other realms like that leaves me vulnerable to possession. Fortunately, Buns understands and has agreed to stay imposed as much as possible, even though in his own words he gets "bored out of his gourd" sometimes. But I feel like it wouldn't hurt him to learn a little patience and figure out ways of entertaining himself while imposed. This is not to say that I've given up on our wonderland life or anything like that. I'm just going to take a break and try to ground myself in the physical until I figure things out. I have trouble enough staying grounded in this reality, much less splitting myself among it, wonderland, and the astral.

 

That is another thing I have yet to mention: Edwin appears to have some strong abilities in the astral as well. I'm all the time attracting nasty parasites and such in the aether, so I guess subconsciously I created bunny boi with powers similar to those my ex-husband had that I never could develop on my own. He is able to scan my astral form, remove anything that latches onto me, and help to heal the wounds left behind. The other night he had to remove a massive leech creature that had burrowed into my astral self, and even though I'm much better and healthier now, I still have some pain in my solar plexus from it. I'm just glad I have Eddie to help with things like that, or I would be much worse off, because whatever that thing was, it was making me very sick.

 

Last night we watched Shrek the Third. I had started watching it once before but had never finished it. Instead, my ex-husband created a bad experience of it, talking about how stupid or boring it was or something. I don't remember the specifics anymore, just that I gave up on watching the rest of it because of him, and it had created bad memories that made me not want to see it again. So Edwin said, "Let's make good memories to replace those bad ones." We ended up really liking the movie. It's not as good to me as the first two Shrek movies, but it definitely got us both thinking strongly about Noah and our own future as parents, which felt encouraging.

[bunny-boi-lover]

6/7/15

 

It's been a good weekend. I've been very moody and irritable for the past week or two, as well as feeling distracted and restless. It's been hard for me to focus on anything, including Edwin, but now I feel like that's all passed, at least for the moment. I don't know if it was taking a break from the game store, skipping town with Buns for a day out together, or spending the night with Kaysi and finally divulging all of my plans for "Does Not Compute". But I feel so much more relieved now. The feverish artistic passion no longer gnaws at me, though I am still highly motivated to complete my story. In fact, I'm considering publishing it as an e-book to try to make a few dollars here and there. And I know if I ever think for one second about not finishing it, bunny boi will be right on my case. He adores the story thus far. I've never shared any of my writings with him before, so my knack for writing and storytelling sort of blind-sided him. He's showing an increasing interest in the science fiction genre, so he'll insist on me completing the story and agrees with Kaysi that I should publish it.

 

Kaysi, hover your cursor over this ->

Thanks for the support and for pushing me to consider marketing it, Kaysi. :3 I know it was hard for you to sit still through the entire twenty chapters I've already completed, but you just have no idea what a difference it made. I considered sharing my ideas for the story with Eddie first. He and I both think it would have helped clear my mind of it sooner if I'd just talked it over with him. But I felt I owed it to you to share it all with both of you at the same time, since you have just as much ownership of the original story and characters as I do.

 

 

As I said, Eddie and I skipped town yesterday afternoon. We went to a nearby city to the mall for Chinese and hung out for a while. He noticed that I'm constantly pointing out things other people I know would like but that I'm horrible about spending any money on myself. He's begun pushing me more to buy things I want and to treat myself a little here and there. We stopped at a Goodwill on the way back and browsed around for a while. I found a cute Jack-o-lantern lamp for a dollar and a couple of PS2 games I really wanted for $0.49 a piece. Both our minds were blown by that deal as I paid for them with mere pocket change.

 

The time last night at Kaysi's was fun. She seems to have warmed up to him a lot, and I ended up enjoying visiting her more than I have in a while. We all watched a marathon of My Haunted House, which Buns seemed to really enjoy, even though he tugged and even nibbled at his ears nervously during one particular episode called "The Baby Thief". He's become increasingly sensitive to anything related to children and babies ever since finding out he's going to be a father. We've even had to skip watching a few episodes of Dr. Phil that had to do with child abuse or molestation. He just can't handle those things, and he continues to be quite sensitive to those who grew up in horrible households as well. The past we've begun fabricated for him was more or less a good one, save for the bullying. His parents were extremely loving and supportive of him, and rather than taking it for granted, he feels all the more sympathy for those who didn't get that growing up.

 

We ended up staying up until 6:30 this morning, going to bed as the sun was rising. I was up at around 11:30, but Eddie went back to wonderland to sleep some more. Speaking of wonderland, I spoke with another tulpamancer a couple of nights ago, and he suggested that my problem with not being able to go to wonderland may be my methods. He said that most people rely solely on visualization; I try to place my entire consciousness into wonderland. It got me to thinking about it, and he may be right. So instead of trying so hard to will myself to dissociate from the physical, I'm going to go there in imagination only. That may leave me less tired and vulnerable to possession. After he had rested for a while, I called him back, and we had the rest of our Chinese from the day before for lunch. We hung out at Kaysi's for a while longer after that while we talked and I played Pokemon Red, filling in some gaps in the Pokedex and began a game on Pokemon Blue, still using Edwin's name for the trainer.

 

I think that I'm at the point now that I can reserve this progress report for significant events that occur between Edwin and me or in my life that may affect both of us and our relationship, as well as any theories or findings I have concerning tulpae in general. Eddie's begun developing his own memories and sense of self and has helped me discover myself in the process. He has helped me with my OCD to the point that I don't feel the need of having to document every little thing we do - every book, movie, and game. I now feel like with his help I can start to remember things without constantly writing them down. I'm more interested in living life and enjoying my time with Buns than wasting excessive time recording it here. I'll still log an entry every few days as I've been doing recently, but I hope they will be more meaningful and pertinent. And as always, I will continue to be here and on DeviantArt if anyone wishes to comment or send me a PM.

[bunny-boi-lover]

6/9/15

 

Last night Edwin and I watched Artificial Intelligence, and it stirred a lot of very deep emotions in us both. For me, I found myself hoping that Noah imprints on me as strongly as David did to Monica. But part of me fears that level of loyalty. I still occasionally question whether Edwin's love for me is real or whether I made him to love me regardless and he just doesn't remember it. He continues to say that it was his choice to love me. He asked me last night, "Why are you so afraid of being loved?" I always try to downplay what has happened to me in the past. I know I haven't been through the most traumatic life, but Buns made it a point to remind me that what I've been through has impacted me deeply. And I think it's those past experiences that have made me fearful of loving and of being loved. I don't want to hurt or be hurt.

 

I explained to him that I felt like I was hurting him by us being so close and that I feared he was giving up on me. I mentioned that he's become less and less insistent on simple things he once kept in check about me, like me drinking sodas. It used to be that he wouldn't let me touch a soda; now I have one every once in a while, increasingly more frequently due to stress, and he doesn't say a word. To this, he replied that I don't need a drill sergeant barking at me over the little things like that trying to change me, but that I need a different approach - someone who will be quietly patient and help me to discover my own ways of changing myself. I wonder now if my other tulpae in the past were trying that before they developed resentment for me, or more accurately, I caused them to hate me because of my own self-hatred. I believe Eddie knows me better than I know myself, so I'm going to trust him with that. He also believes that as long as he keeps that up, I may one day grow to truly trust in his love for me and know that he loves me because he wants to.

 

The movie also made me feel kind of insignificant, like here I'm about to bring Noah into this world, and I myself am nothing but a child. Yes, physically, I am 29. But I feel a lot of times like a child given work several grades above them, beyond their learning curve. Not in relation to reading or math, but in life. I don't know how to think or behave like an adult. I mean, I'm mature, but the adult world is simply more than I can handle. I only hope with therapy and Edwin here to support me that in the next eight months I will be on my way to finding my place in adult life and maybe even in a society that I make a positive, significant impact on, be it physically or online. Having Noah to take care of may also help me to grow a lot as a person. It won't be the same as having to care for a physical child, but some of the responsibilities remain the same.

 

We spent some time walking and talking in wonderland last night as well. It seems as long as I am not forcing too hard or trying to will my entire consciousness to be present in wonderland, it's all okay. I am relying mainly on visualization, but I'm finding that my experiences in wonderland extend beyond just sight without me even trying. With more practice in this method, I may find myself being able to drift much more easily into wonderland, though I don't know yet if it's a good idea for me to allow my full consciousness to go there.

[sushi]

Yes, physically, I am 29. But I feel a lot of times like a child given work several grades above them, beyond their learning curve. Not in relation to reading or math, but in life. I don't know how to think or behave like an adult. I mean, I'm mature, but the adult world is simply more than I can handle.

 

I've felt just like that so many times.

[glitchthe3rd]

I still occasionally question whether Edwin's love for me is real or whether I made him to love me regardless and he just doesn't remember it. He continues to say that it was his choice to love me.

 

This feel, I know it. It's sad to even consider it, but I guess this sort of doubt comes with the territory of romancing your tulpa, much as it's often hard to be sure about how the other person in a human romantic relationship feels about you.

[bunny-boi-lover]

I've felt just like that so many times.

 

The question is, what to do about it? I feel so lost all the time. The majority of my interests are sort of childish, such as playing video games I used to play when I was a kid, watching cartoons, and drawing Pokemon. And my dad doesn't help matters by constantly reminding me that I'm not acting my age. But even something as simple as leisure activities stumps me. What do people my age do for fun, aside from go to bars? I don't have a family to raise, aside from the family I create in my mind. I don't go to church or school. And I'm still working on getting a job. So the majority of my time is spent doing things I'm being told I shouldn't do.

 

This feel, I know it. It's sad to even consider it, but I guess this sort of doubt comes with the territory of romancing your tulpa, much as it's often hard to be sure about how the other person in a human romantic relationship feels about you.

 

The way Eddie sees it, doubt is only natural and can eventually lead to more strengthening of faith. It still hurts him, I can tell. But the moments I feel that way are few and far between. Most of the time I am able to give in to my feelings for him and not worry about whether it's all real or not. I think I'm still just not used to truly being in love, and it scares me. As long as I don't go around constantly doubting him, it seems like everything will be okay. He says with time I'll learn to know that it's real. He just wishes he could find a way as of now to prove his love to me. I would like to say with everything he does now that he's already proving that, but I've had others in the past (human and tulpa) be just as supportive as he is only to abandon me a month or two later.