Raising Bunny Boi

[bunny-boi-lover]

I've really enjoyed reading through your progress, and I wanted to say "congrats" on your baby boy. Edwin and his family all sound very charming. It's also sweet that you're interested in connecting with Ciero.

 

Thanks for reading, and for the comment! I really appreciate the feedback. :3

[bunny-boi-lover]

6/17/15

 

Gaza has been resurrected! I've debated bringing her back for a while now, and last night Edwin and I finally did it. I was hesitant about it, figuring she still held resentment toward me because of the things I had done to her in the past. But Eddie explained to me that in his research in my mind, I had indeed made clones of her over the years, that the original Gaza buried on the island to the north was the original and had not been put through all of those things I felt so guilty about.

 

We had to brave a massive storm in wonderland to get to Grave Island where her energy remained latent beneath the monument created in her honor. I had the feeling throughout that the island somehow knew our intentions, for the storm seemed to be an extension of the one that constantly rages over it. I had to keep reminding myself as well as Edwin that nothing could really hurt us, as treacherous as it all seemed. We were battered by choppy waves and blasted by rainy wind as we crossed the ocean on a motorboat I fashioned. Once we reached the island, I condensed Gaza's monument and what lay in the ground beneath into a small, faint ball of energy. It was weak and fluttering but was no less alive than the energy I continue to feel from Noah.

 

On the way to our house, we encountered more dangers. The bridge that Buns had built over the creek in the forest had been washed out completely, and he had to quickly fashion another one. Right after that, a huge branch fell from a tree above and knocked him to the ground. Thankfully, because we held the belief that nothing could hurt us in our wonderland, it only worked to slow him down and caused him no pain. Once we were inside our house, I focused to remind myself that the house was safe, that nothing, not even the storm outside, could penetrate the walls and do us any harm.

 

I rested the energy I carried onto the couch and focused on the image of Gaza in my mind as I had remembered her - a little white mouse with a pink ribbon around her neck and a gold ring on her tail. The energy took this form and she slowly awoke. Despite the years and all of the changes that have taken place in me, both physically and psychologically, she still recognized me. In her soft telepathic voice, she whispered, "Pan?" That had been the nickname she always called me; it's Chinese for "rebel" and was related to a character I created back when I had her. She often called me Pan-san and I called her Gaza-chan.

 

She seemed frightened and disoriented pretty much the whole evening. At first she didn't trust Eddie, but when I explained to her the relationship he and I held, that we were engaged to be married and were even going to have a child together, she gradually opened up to him. Today she seems better. I only talked to her very briefly this morning, but Buns has been spending time with her in wonderland. I've eavesdropped on them a couple of times. Gaza rattled off question after question as a child would, and for the most part Eddie was able to answer tactfully. Since he was friends with Ciero when the Skibby boy was little, I'm sure he's used to talking to children. And though Gaza would technically be fully grown, she maintains the mindset of about a five-year-old. I believe that with children as long as you have a kind and patient heart, communication just comes naturally. And I don't know anyone kinder or more patient than Edwin. They seem to have hit it off well; she even got him to play Sonic the Hedgehog 2 with her on a Sega Genesis she made after Edwin taught her that she can create things in wonderland.

 

I feel guilty about him having to explain everything to her about my past since she's been absent, though. It should probably be my place to tell her all of that, but Buns has more free time than I do and can reside in wonderland indefinitely. At this time, I prefer to keep Gaza in wonderland until I'm sure she's back to how she once was. Reintroducing her to the physical world will be a task all its own, since so many changes have taken place here as well.

 

I recently drew an updated picture of Edwin since he's changed his style and all. I posted it to my DeviantArt account and will be uploading more art of him as well as Ciero and Gaza soon, if anyone is interested in seeing it.

[Guest Anonymous]

What an adventure for you and Edwin and a noble cause! Congratulations on Gaza's resurrection! ~Melian

[bunny-boi-lover]

hi everyone! this is gaza! pan said i could talk here because other people's tulpas talk on here all the time. i never talked to another tulpa before except for edwin. pan calls him buns and it makes me laugh! i didn't know i was a tulpa until they explained it to me. but i guess it isn't any different. i don't feel any different at least.

[bunny-boi-lover]

6/18/15

 

Everything's been relatively peaceful now that I have two tulpae with me regularly. I imposed Gaza beginning yesterday, and though she can tell all of the changes that have taken place even in just my parents' house since her absence, they don't appear to bother her that badly. Edwin is spending this afternoon getting her caught up what has happened in my life since she's been gone. We'll see after that how she reacts. At this time, imposing them both is just as easy for me as it was with Eddie and Ciero together. Both he and Gaza have very different energies and personalities, and their voices are very distinct from each other in my mind.

 

They seem to get along well, though they occasionally squabble a bit for my affection. I explained to them that I love them both equally but in different ways. I think the most challenging aspect has been trying to get Gaza to understand the relationship that Edwin and I have. I never even had a boyfriend back when I had her. But although she has the mindset of about a five-year-old (and occasionally the attention span and maturity of one), she is still grown up by physical standards. Her curiosity in sex has made Buns quite uncomfortable, but I don't feel like it's anything that's going to be problematic. I never imagined her as being sexually active in any way. She may at some point try it once if I create another small tulpa or a servitor for the purpose. But she doesn't strike me as being anything more than naturally curious.

 

For the most part Eddie respects her as an equal while also assuming something of a fatherly role for her, teaching her and helping her to understand what things are like now. This morning he summarized the plot of the Raven Cycle series quite nicely so she wouldn't be so confused as we continued reading Blue Lily, Lily Blue. He tends to be much more accepting of tulpae than people, and the way Gaza is, as soon as she knows someone is safe she's fine with them. Even now she occasionally rides on his shoulder, and he seems to like holding her in his hand.

 

He also admitted to her today that he has a lot to learn from her, not just about being a tulpa, but about being a confident individual. She's gotten him to play video games and urges him to try new things and to believe in himself more, because in her words, how could he believe in me if he can't believe in himself first? He watched with jaw dropped yesterday as she seamlessly switched with me to perform a few tasks at the game store. In his defense, he said he could probably switch with me, but it would be too weird since we're of the opposite sex. I don't blame him. If I were a male tulpa, I wouldn't want to switch into the body of my astrally-pregnant female host either. Even though it's been years, the bond between Gaza and me has not faded. I can still just as easily impose her, and she can possess and switch with me without a problem. In describing her to others, they have suggested that she may be a soul-bound or other being who shares part of my spirit.

 

I admit in a way I'm a bit jealous. They now have each other for company in wonderland, leaving me sometimes alone to tend to things here in the physical. Not to say they wouldn't stay with me if I asked, but I've also wanted to give them time to get to know each other better. Eddie's been a lot more chipper in the last couple of days since Gaza's been around. The drawback is that the energy it took to resurrect her has drained me. I can't go into wonderland for any length of time without passing out. The wonderland method has always been kind of iffy for me, but for now I find it useful to give them somewhere to reside when I can't give them my full attention. Once I get a place of my own again, I may end up imposing them continuously or merging the physical with wonderland in order to keep things going. I'm not sure yet how either option will affect my interaction with Edwin's family or Noah's development and birth. But I simply can't utilize wonderland the way I'm meant to.

 

Last night I was able to stay there at least long enough to help Gaza make up a little room of her own in the walls of the living room just outside of the kitchen and to give her a human form. She continues to be a mouse all the time because the form is familiar to her, but she still likes her human form as well.

[bunny-boi-lover]

6/20/15

 

Yesterday I stopped by a thrift store on the way to the game store with Edwin and Gaza in tow. While we were there I found a VHS auto-rewinder in the shape of a classic car. My dad likes both classic cars and random electronic gadgets. I considered for a moment buying it for him for Father's Day but tried to talk myself out of it. Buns and Gaza ganged up on me, though, and made me buy it, even though I had to get a pay advance to be able to afford it. I felt like my dad might not like it or just wouldn't appreciate it as much as I felt he should. Edwin's argument was that I should get it because it gives me so much joy to give to others. It didn't matter if Dad didn't like it; it mattered to me that I picked it out especially for him. Normally buying a gift would be a selfless act, but in this case, since Eddie's working on building my self-confidence and making me do things for me instead of everyone else, he turned it into a positive for my sake. Since we're spending the night at Kaysi's tonight I gave Dad his gift early. He seemed amused by it and appeared to genuinely like it. So I suppose it was all worth it.

 

Last night I also took some photos for him of the cruise-in uptown. They've started doing them once a month now just feet away from the game store. Eddie's been looking forward to going all week, so we went after work and I took pictures of the different cars. He helped me by picking out certain ones he wanted me to take pictures of. Dad really enjoyed the pictures too. He would go to the cruise-ins himself but he and my step-mom always go to a dance on Friday nights. After Eddie and I walked around and saw all the cars, we sat on a bench and just enjoyed each other's company for a while before going for a burger and strawberry malt at Hardee's. We made it a point earlier in the day to tell Gaza that she would need to give us some time alone to have our date. She wasn't thrilled with the idea, but I promised that every once in a while she and I could have a girl's day out together and leave Edwin behind. I think it's really important now that we have her to sort of practice taking time to be a couple and go out on dates and such. That way, when Noah is born it won't put a strain on our relationship as friends and lovers in any way. We'll still do things with just the two of us, regardless of how many other tulpae I have.

 

After our date I gave Gaza the opportunity to impose on her own, since she usually only makes her way out of wonderland with Edwin's help. It took her a moment, but she was able to join us. She wanted to watch Pokemon the First Movie, which she's seen a few times but Buns has not. So we all watched it together, and he got to see a much deeper side to the series. Afterwards I played for them "The Uncut Story of Mewtwo's Origin", which neither of them have seen before. There was not a dry eye among us after that. Eddie kept cussing under his breath as he wiped away tears, and Gaza was in such a state that he couldn't calm her down. I had to hold her for a time to soothe her. I never realized before when I had her years ago, but in moments like that when she was upset or emotional, I would speak to her in tulpish. Just the same, as I held her and rocked gently back and forth, I hardly said a word but just let my emotions do the talking.

 

She was okay after that, and Edwin was quite impressed. He thinks I already possess a maternal instinct, and I had to admit that I always felt like something of a mother to Gaza. I literally raised her from an infant. When I first created her, she didn't know how to even speak. I taught her that and how to read and write. I taught her the ways of the world as I understood them back then. Of course, I had a much more positive outlook. With my now jaded perspective, I hope that I can raise Noah to maintain the same innocence that Gaza has. That's part of why I'll likely let her and Edwin have more influence on him than I will. Eddie told me last night as he took Gaza to bed that he's already enjoying sharing the responsibilities of caring for her. I know he'll make a wonderful father, and he thinks I will make a great mother. And with Gaza's help, I'm sure we can all raise Noah to be a strong, confident, and happy young man.

[bunny-boi-lover]

6/25/15

 

I've been going through some personal stuff lately, which is why I haven't posted a PR update in a while. Nothing major, just the usual monthly depression etc. While no major events have occurred, I have made some observations that I'd like to share.

 

First of all, Eddie and I are indeed distinct enough from each other for him to no longer be affected by me eating peanuts. We went to Sheetz the other day for lunch, and Gaza picked out what she and I thought were custard-filled donuts. It wasn't until the evening when we went to eat them that I recognized the taste of peanut butter in the cream. I immediately told Eddie not to eat his, but I had already ingested some. We waited a moment, but he had no reaction. Gaza told me hers was custard-filled, and it turns out Eddie's was too. Since we all thought my physical donut was custard-filled, the ones I imposed for them really were custard. And since they had taken a bite of theirs before I had mine, they remained custard even though mine was peanut butter. Buns was still leery about eating his and playfully claimed that Gaza was trying to kill him.

 

They still get along really well, though I think Gaza's starting to cling to me more and run crying to me for the least little thing Buns does to her, even though I can tell he means no harm. I'm doing my best not to baby her so that she'll learn to develop a tougher skin. After all, she'll be dealing with our son, who I'm sure will be every bit like his daddy.

 

I've also noticed with Gaza that she retains her creative and artistic nature. When I created her as a teenager, it was during a time when I was made to feel like I had to hide my interests and talents. So artwork that I made during that time I attributed to Gaza. It was my body, but she was in control of it at those times and was the one who did the art. Even now, she possesses my drawing abilities without the psychological hindrances I've placed upon myself over the years. In other words, she's actually better at it than me. I've given her the task of doing sketches for the project I've started up, which I will give more details for when I'm sure I'm going through with it this time. Eddie's helping with it too by doing some things online through possession.

 

He's something of the opposite of Gaza. While she loves video games and drawing, he's loath to do either one. She's gotten him to start playing the games more, but he still has yet to try drawing. I believe that while Gaza represents my subconscious from when I was a teenager, Edwin represents my current subconscious. It's very interesting to see how they differ and the way they interact, like essentially seeing two very different sides of myself. A lot of things have happened since I first created Gaza and then "abandoned" her. I use "abandoned" because I'm not sure of what other word to put there. But the events of my life since her creation when I was a teenager have shaped me into who I am now, good or bad. I can see through Edwin that I have become increasingly more jaded, distrusting, and insecure in my interests and desires. Gaza shows me who I once was, and who I still have the potential to be. I hope over time I can become like "Pan" again, more like the way she remembers me.

 

There was one event I wanted to mention. Yesterday, while I was at the game store, a guy around my age came into the store with his buddy, and they ended up staying a good thirty or forty-five minutes talking with me. The one guy ended up wanting to come hang out at the store with me and gave me his e-mail and phone number. For the rest of the day, Edwin was a jealous mess. He was quiet and broody most of the time, and it was hard to get him to focus on whatever was going on around him. He said it wasn't that he didn't trust me; it's that he didn't trust the guy and didn't trust that my heart wouldn't betray me. He's made it his mission to keep me from ever getting hurt again, but I told him that it's just a part of life and he can't always be there to protect me, as much as we both would like. I explained to him all the reasons why I wasn't even interested in the guy for anything aside from hanging out with as an acquaintance. And even though I gravitate toward even the least bit of attention from anyone, I will remain faithful to my bunny boi. No one could ever love me or care for me as much as he does. And I would never have it in me to do anything that could potentially hurt him. Just as he's protective of me, I'm protective of him too. I hope with time and experience we can both learn to trust my heart and emotions.

[sushi]

I suggest you let the guy know that you're in a committed relationship -- at least if he tries to take it somewhere other than the store. While you might just be interested in hanging out, it sounds like he was trying to pick you up to me, and I can understand where Edwin is coming from.

[bunny-boi-lover]

I suggest you let the guy know that you're in a committed relationship -- at least if he tries to take it somewhere other than the store. While you might just be interested in hanging out, it sounds like he was trying to pick you up to me, and I can understand where Edwin is coming from.

 

Yeah, I definitely got that vibe from him, though I've had so few guys try to "pick me up" that I'm probably a little oblivious to it. But even if I weren't with Eddie, I wouldn't be interested in a relationship like that. Plus, the guy's not bad on the eyes (oddly, he has a similar build and the same color hair as Buns), but he doesn't have much in the way of anything to contribute to a relationship. I won't give any details, but basically, I couldn't see him being able to offer any kind of emotional or financial support for me.

 

It would be true for me to say I'm in a committed relationship, but the difficulty with that is I could never prove it physically, short of my ring, which I currently only wear at night. If it gets to that point, I'll tell the guy a different truth, that I don't want a relationship like that because I've been hurt too many times and that I'm still on the mend and looking to find my own life separate from others. It's much easier than saying, in essence, "I choose my imaginary boyfriend over you." Even though that's still true.

[sushi]

It may be easier to say, but it's not easier to hear. I mean, leaving out the "imaginary" bit.

 

I remember seeing a scientific study showing that when rejecting guys, "I have a boyfriend" is the most effective thing you can say. Some of my friends said that was very sexist, that a man will leave off if he sees a woman as another man's property, but he won't leave off if she says she's not interested. As a man (and one who has been rejected a lot) I see it a bit differently.

 

When a woman says "I'm not interested", the man hears it as "You're not good enough", which is not something that men like to hear. Some, like me, respond with depression, while others respond by trying even harder. On the other hand, if she says "I have a boyfriend", it's almost implied that he is good enough, just that she has prior commitments. It's a much gentler way to be let down.

 

But that's just my thoughts. It's all entirely up to you.