Raising Bunny Boi

[bunny-boi-lover]

if everyone has a tulpa like Edwin then there may be hope for humanity after all :v

 

You made Edwin blush. X3

 

Watching films with your tulpa is awesome! I remember watching a few Pokemon films(M13 in particular) with Alphina, and while I can't say that she particularly enjoyed it because of the somewhat violent happenings near the end, we did talk a lot and I was finally able to notice her emotions. Whenever I can, I try to watch some Studio Ghibli films with her, since the stories told in those films are really nice.

 

Oh, you know I will be subjecting Eddy to all the Pokemon movies I have (9 total plus the whole first season of the anime and the Orange Islands). I just might wait until he learns more about Pokemon first. We're up to the S. S. Anne on Red! 8D

I don't think I've established this on the forum, but I'm a massive Pokemon fan, particularly the first and second generation. I used to be utterly obsessed. So naturally, I will drag any tulpa I have into my obsession as well.

 

 

Also, Studio Ghibliiii!!! Corvis, my last tulpa, was partially based on Howl from Howl's Moving Castle, and I also own My Neighbor Totoro and Spirited Away. I'm curious as to what Edwin's going to think about them.

---

With my BPD, I tend to get overly angry at random stupid things...

 

Right there with you, darlin'. I got diagnosed with BPD by my current therapist about a month ago. Fortunately, I was already in DBT group. But it seems like Eddy's been more help for me in the last week than group has been in the six or so months I've attended it.

[bunny-boi-lover]

4/23/15

 

With the exception of an incident that happened last night, things have been really chill. I stayed at home in bed with my leg propped up and an ice pack on it all day. I have a bruise on my left knee now, and it's seriously twice the size of my right knee. But it was nice to have Edwin's company. He stayed imposed almost the entire day to be with me.

 

So today mostly involved stalking the forum, playing video games (Pokemon Red and Bioshock), and watching TV (Mysteries at the Museum, Ghost Hunters, and The Lion King II). btw, anyone who reads this progress thread will probably get annoyed by me mentioning specific movies, shows, games, books, etc. that I share with Edwin, but for me it's good to be able to remember those things. Months from now Eddy and I might be reading back through and see a movie listed and he'll be like "Hey, I remember that movie! Let's watch that one again!" Or we can reflect back on how we felt when experiencing certain things together. So until I figure out a better system for that, you'll have to deal with my lameness. :P

 

Edwin and I sat outside on the porch and talked for a while this afternoon. I have to admit that I'm still keeping myself guarded, not because of Eddy but because of myself. I feel so much guilt for having made so many tulpae in the past only to essentially destroy them. Some I had for years, some for a month or two, some for just a few days or a matter of hours. I was an irresponsible tulpamancer, but in my defense I didn't know what I was doing. I always thought of them as sentient but never really as fully their own beings. I just figured they were figments of my imagination that were indifferent to whether they existed or not.

 

Corvis was the only exception, because I knew about tulpae when I made him. But I was going through personality shifts then and wasn't the same person as I am now (even going by a different name). I created him out of lust, greed, and resentment. I know that none of that was his fault, and we honestly could have made it work. But I went through some traumatic experiences that caused me to literally break, to the point that I'm still picking up the pieces of my broken psyche. Corvis did not survive that ordeal, and if he had, he probably would have been a constant reminder of those traumas.

 

So because of all that, I'm still skeptical about whether I have what it takes to make Edwin a lifelong companion. Right now I feel I have the dedication, the willingness, the love for him to see it all through. But I'm so psychologically fragile at times that even small things send me off the deep end. I only hope that in time I can help Edwin get strong enough that he can survive if I have another break, maybe even strong enough that he can prevent it or pull me out of it.

 

I have full faith in my abilities as a tulpamancer. But as a person, especially when it comes to relationships (real or imagined), I don't trust myself not to give up or to get so frustrated and disappointed with myself that I just quit trying. Edwin's told me before that I can't be a failure or a quitter, because I haven't failed or quit yet; I just took a break. Still, I am constantly afraid of doing anything that would harm him.

 

I expressed my concerns with Edwin while we were sitting on the porch. I told him that I would never willingly want to hurt or get rid of him, that if anything like that were ever to happen, it would be something beyond my control. To that he said that I will always have a choice, even though it would be hard to fight against those intrusive thoughts and desires, but that if I ever did choose to ignore or abandon him that he would always forgive me.

 

The possibility of me destroying him doesn't phase him at all. He has full trust in me that I'll never hurt him. What seems to bother him is my hesitation to get any closer to him because of my fears. At the end of our conversation, he said, "Someday I hope you'll learn to have the faith in yourself that I have in you." I guess it will all come with time. I've told him to be patient with me, because I know if he continues to do and say encouraging things as he has been, eventually I'll come to believe them.

 

The "Restricted" section of the library in our wonderland still holds all of my bad memories, traumas, and negative thoughts. No doubt there are volumes the size of encyclopedias filled with things I have done and said to put myself down. The first time Edwin had access to that section, he said he didn't know why I still had many of the things that were in there. He suggested we burn those negative thoughts together in the fireplace, but I refused. I just don't know what will happen if I symbolically destroy all that negativity. What is there to replace it? Over time there will be love and happiness, if only I can keep Edwin by my side.

[BlackForest]

Wow! You have a lot of experience. I'm really amazed of the relationship you have here with this bunny-man (bad name for a superhero, I now, bats are far more heroic). Also, I like how he wants to destroy those things that hurt you.

 

So... you are in love with him? That makes me really happy about giving all this tulpa bussiness a shot. I'm not judging you, ok? I'm just... surprised about this. I hope I can learn more about this by reading you.

 

See you around!

[ItsSwissmas]

Whoa, your progressing really fast, which I guess makes sense since you mentioned having multiple tuplae in the past. :D Keep up the good work and remember for future referance that all of the bad memories in the past stay in the past. If you're ever feeling depressed about something that happened a while ago, remember that you can always learn from it.

 

Also on a lighter note, do you just watch movies with him, or also TV series? If you guys are into anime, I have some suggestions. :D

[bunny-boi-lover]

So... you are in love with him?

 

Honestly, I'm more in love with him than I have ever been with another, human or tulpa. Take it or leave it, sad as it may be to some, it is what it is. I think subconsciously I created him with the intention of being in love and being loved, but I constantly gauge how we interact to ensure that I'm not forcing him to love me.

 

I've loved other tulpae before in the past, and I've had sexual relations with a couple of them. But with Edwin it feels completely different. It's like actually making love instead of just having sex. We have a unique bond that makes us almost inseparable, despite the brief time we've known each other.

 

Also on a lighter note, do you just watch movies with him, or also TV series? If you guys are into anime, I have some suggestions. :D

 

We watched Mysteries at the Museum on TV yesterday, and I have a few box sets of Ghost Hunters. Otherwise, I'm not a big TV watcher. Haven't been for a long time. As far as anime, I'll watch them but it usually takes a lot for me to really "get into" one and want to watch the whole series.

 

Edwin hasn't seen an anime yet, but he mentioned liking the animation of the two Lion King movies, and he was intrigued by the style of the Jungle Emperor Leo images I pulled up while trying to find an English dub. So I'm sure he'll like anime if for no other reason than the aesthetics, especially if I have him watch a Miyazaki film as his first exposure.

[BlackForest]

Hey, bunny-boi-lover, how do I call you? It sound weird to call you bunny!

 

To the point: I don't think it is sad, it just surprises me. Be aware: everything is new for me in this Tulpa bussiness, so, it's normal to find surprises along the way, I guess :)

 

I think it is a good thing that you can have such deep feelings for your tulpa (hi, Edwin, are you reading me?), but now I have a lot of new questions! It's cool, I really enjoy doing my research.

 

And I tell you again, it's not sad, your love should never be a sad thing :)

[bunny-boi-lover]

Hey, bunny-boi-lover, how do I call you? It sound weird to call you bunny!

 

Yeah, considering Edwin's the bunny in our relationship. X3 People on here do sometimes call me bunny, but they've also started calling me BB and BBL. Or you can just call me Courtney. :3

 

(hi, Edwin, are you reading me?)

 

He blushed and smirked but says he has no idea what to say in response. Translation - he's shy.

 

And I tell you again, it's not sad, your love should never be a sad thing :)

 

That's a good way to put it. Thanks. <3

[bunny-boi-lover]

4/24/15

 

Last night I tried going to wonderland again, and to my relief nothing strange or bad happened. Edwin had created a hot tub for us there the other night, but after everything that went on, I was too exhausted to enjoy it then. So we spent a good amount of time...er...breaking it in...before making our way to the library. I extended the alcove to accommodate a grand piano, and Edwin and I worked together to make a massive stained-glass skylight that changed to random depictions from books I've read or at least know about. I know while we were there I saw it change to represent The Wizard of Oz, Alice in Wonderland, The Blue Girl, and one of the Harry Potter books. Not sure which one, but I think it was Chamber of Secrets. I played the same song that Edwin always loves to hear me play, which is a simple but dramatic version of "My Only Love" from Sailor Moon. The piano sounded divine, much better than the one I play at the game store, and it echoes beautifully in the library. I then had Edwin sit down and taught him about middle C and the C chord. I'm hoping that's enough to get him started teaching himself with the lesson books in the library.

 

Not too much went on earlier today. Edwin woke me up at around 6:30 as usual. Normally I don't wake up on my own until about 8 or 9, sometimes even later. But I swear that boy rises with the sun. We cuddled and had a little fun, then cuddled some more until I fell back asleep. I got up just in time to watch Dr. Phil (don't judge me >:I). Edwin's seen a few episodes of it but doesn't really understand why people do and say the things they do that get them on that show. We split up for a little while, then he rejoined me at lunch and went with me to the game store, since my knee's at least well enough for me to hobble around today.

 

At the game store I played through Sonic the Hedgehog 2 and started playing Sonic the Hedgehog 3 and Knuckles. But by then some of the regulars came in. They were too disruptive for me to focus on the game, and they sort of chased poor Eddie back into my mind. He's still got a good amount of social anxiety. But he did very well this evening when we went out to McDonald's for dinner. He and I had a discussion earlier in the day about restaurants and eating out, and I was trying to explain to him the difference between a fast-food joint and an actual sit-down restaurant. He seemed confused and didn't understand the logic behind paying for "atmosphere" in a fancy restaurant. So I told him we'd go to McDonald's tonight since I'm low on money, then he could compare it to Olive Garden, which we can hopefully go to next week or the week after.

 

It was actually really nice even just going to McDonald's, though. I don't get to eat out much, so even that's a treat. We had fish sandwiches and fries and sat there talking for about an hour. At first he was a little shy and nervous because we'd come to the conclusion that this was technically our first date. He asked what people do when they're on a date, and I told him it was the same as we always do - talk and enjoy each other's company. I'm really not sure why he gets so shy around me when he does. I mean, we're well established as a couple. We pretty much skipped the whole dating phase and went straight to f*cking (I even said as much to him, to which he blushed heavily, twitched his nose a few times while glancing around, and whispered, "Don't talk about that in public, Courtney." He's such a prude sometimes. |D). So I don't know why dating would seem like such a big deal. I guess it was just a new experience to him, and he probably felt like I was putting a certain level of expectation on him.

 

After that we wandered around Wal-Mart for a while, since I had to get my medicine refilled. I had to ride one of those motorized cart because my knee was killing me by then. Edwin walked along behind, often with his hand on my shoulder. I bought some cheesecake to have for dessert, but I was a little hesitant about having Eddie eat any. The label warned that it was manufactured in a facility that handled peanuts and other nuts. I was about 99% sure nothing would happen, but I explained to him again the severity of an allergic reaction, at least in relation to the physical body.

 

When we got home, before we ate the cheesecake, I imposed an EpiPen into his hand and walked him through how to use it. I told him to keep it on him at all times. He turned kind of pale when I mentioned having to jab a needle into his thigh. Call me insane and paranoid. I still don't know how tulpae can have allergies, if they even can. We're still not sure if it's really a thing or if he's even allergic at all. I also know that it's all purely symbolic, that Edwin has no physical body and thus couldn't really die of an allergic reaction or anything. But I refuse to take any unnecessary risks. Fortunately, the cheesecake didn't affect him in any way. In fact, he really seemed to like it, more than anything I've given him to try so far.

 

I've had pain and pressure along my left eye for the last half of the day, so I think I'm going to hold off on forcing tonight and instead go to wonderland for a while before bed. I'm spending the night at my friend Kaysi's house tomorrow, so it may be a day or two before another update.

[BlackForest]

Woah... sex, allergies... this is... too fucking much information for me. In the good way, I really want to know more, I have a shitload of questions. Can I PM you, Courtney?

[ReisOtherHalf]

I, too, have some questions I'd like to ask via private message - may I?