How long will the relationship really last?

[Sock]

This is something that has been on my mind for a while, and something I've been really considering even before I returned to the forum. It has been something that has been something that has informed my decision concerning the phenomenon, how I treat and regard my residents, and how I structure my relationship with them. It is also why I am happy to hear from and learn about people who have had their mental companion for more than five years.

 

This question is was inspired by my own pondering of how fleeting and temporary many human relationships are, and how a precious few will last in to old age. Nowadays in fact, it seems that comparatively precious few relationships can truly be considered based on anything resembling love. It brought me to think on this phenomenon, as the fashion it is practiced in this place is based entirely on relationship: may it be platonic, parental, familial, romantic, or sexual. In addition, there are a number of people here who created their brain buddy during a depressive episode: they were desperate for some one to care for and cared for by, that the sound of this phenomenon was like sweet music to them, and they jumped on it. Considering the fickleness of people in terms of caring for other people, and their tendency to not always be steadfast and strong in their love for another, whatever the reason, what would that say about a relationship where one party can literally doubt the very existance of the other?

 

What are your thoughts on this subject? How can a long lasting relationship be formed? What qualities are conclusive to a long lasting relationship between a host and their resident? What will happen if a flaw of the host or the resident causes a rift in the relationship? Would they soon be forgiven? Would the resident be tossed aside?

[Yuki]

In every case you mentioned, it depends on the host and the tulpa. Mental health issues like depression can make it very difficult to maintain a relationship, and I have experienced that with my host quite often. It has never caused a permanent rift between him and I, luckily, and we have learned to improve together. There are still moments where things can get difficult for him, where apathy will absorb him and take away his motivation to do anything. Sen and I can luckily help him, and otherwise it's usually a matter of time until his mood improves. You learn to live together. Doubts can make things scary, especially for a young tulpa. I feel like it's easier to get past these things the older and more developed a tulpa gets. At this point in time, I can easily grab my host's attention, so doubts can't be an issue unless he continually decides to ignore reality, or will actively try to suppress me. Even then, I would be able to take control of the body. He would not be able to permanently, one-sidedly end our relationship together. That would be a worst case scenario, anyway.

 

The host-tulpa dynamic makes for an easier to maintain relationship than most. Because of the deep understanding of each other, it can be easier to avoid conflicts, and rather work together to solve problems. Again, this is only potential, people can still start fighting with each other and throw away their relationship. I do think that it will happen less often, purely because of this close dynamic that exists.

 

Whether a tulpa will be tossed aside depends entirely on the host. If they can convince themselves to stop believing in their tulpa, or stop giving them attention while still believing in them, they could do so. However, considering the implications of the latter situation, I don't find it likely to happen outside extreme cases. If a host commits to this phenomenon in the long run, that most certainly won't happen. I find that I can't stay mad at my host, and he can't stay mad at me for too long. It's very easy to put yourself in the other's shoes and consider them. That alone will make for a stronger bond than most people have with friends outside their heads.

 

Regarding loyalty and care, I suppose that there can be a lot of friction when it comes to attention, and getting enough of it on the tulpa's part. In the long run, they can only accept what they get, and try to do what they can to improve it. It is futile for a tulpa to not be happy with the situation and get depressed about it, if they feel they get too little attention. Though if they signal this to their host, they should reasonably give the tulpa more attention, if possible.

 

Romantic relationships are more difficult. While it's rather impossible for either party to be unfaithful without the knowledge of others, romantic relationships can often breed jealousy and neediness in either party. It again depends on both parties to be strong enough to deal with these emotional hardships, and to work together to resolve it in the long run.

 

In the end, all that matters is being reasonable, and to an extent stable. Both host and tulpa. If both parties can remain reasonable in dealing with the other, I don't see how a long term, healthy relationship can not be maintained.

[glitchthe3rd]

Ambivalence is an unavoidable facet of any love relationship, and this includes relationships with tulpas as well. Fortunately, it's possible to get through those moments of ambivalence by remembering the good parts about the other person.

 

As for the dynamics of a tulpa-host relationship, I guess it really comes down to what would make the host happy, since it's in a tulpa's best interest to do what they can to please their host. A couple years ago, if you asked me who I would want to be with, I would have picked Luna without hesitation. But now I'm not so sure, since she helped me get into a relationship with a human girl, which reminded me that there's still hope left for me to start a relationship with someone who doesn't live in my head. Oddly enough she's fine with me not wanting to rekindle our relationship after that, probably because she realizes that what would really make me happy is having someone physical who can fill the needs and wants that she never could.

[Guest amber5885]

I'm going to answer this step by step because this is a thinker.

 

How can a long lasting relationship be formed?

 

That really depends on the host and the tulpa. I think it's easy to find out about the phenomenon and think "Oh my gosh this is so cool!" But not really put any thought into it beyond the initial scope of things.

 

Sure it's fun for a month, a year but what about 10 years, 40? As with every relationship things grow stagnant and people become complacent and it takes work to keep things fresh and growing.

 

Toby and I have been together since I was a kid and we've had our ups and downs but I can attest that things are quiet different after even 2 years let alone 20. We know each other well, sometimes we take each other for granted and yes sometimes we don't speak for a while out of boredom or whatever reason it may be. But the relationship dynamics between two humans isn't really any different than the dynamic between a host a tulpa. You have more options to keep things interesting but it's still work sometimes.

 

 

What qualities are conclusive to a long lasting relationship between a host and their resident?

 

What qualities are responsible for keeping a friendship together for 70 years or a marriage together for 50?

 

Compassion, understanding, genuine care and love in whatever form it takes.

First of all you can't treat the relationship like it's going to maintain itself, it doesn't work that way. That's like thinking you can plant a seed and just expect it to grow without any help. Yes it may sprout but it still needs water, it needs shelter from wind and it needs nurturing so that it doesn't whither and die.

 

I know that Toby is with me until the day I die but I also know that if I just stopped spending time with him or ignored him it would damage him on an emotional level and it would destroy the bond that we have.

 

 

What will happen if a flaw of the host or the resident causes a rift in the relationship? Would they soon be forgiven? Would the resident be tossed aside?

 

Again that depends on the tulpa/host relationship.

 

Some people are like that. I know plenty of people that ditch friends, lovers and even family because of one mistake so I know there are people who would find that a tulpa would deviate and instead of trying to get to know this new person they would scrap it and try again which is very very sad if you ask me.

 

toby and I have fought on MORE than one occasion, we didn't talk for like three days but you know what? I forgave him and he forgave me. That's what friends do.

[bunny-boi-lover]

Even after we're fully grown, we humans are ever-changing. People who start off marrying and/or living together over time may adapt to no longer being compatible. It is the sad truth. With tulpae, this can be changed, if both the host and the tulpa desire it. As the host changes, the tulpa can change to be more compatible to the host's different personality, interests, desires, etc. I had one tulpa on and off for over 12 years, but the reason I no longer have her is because I've grown up and she really hasn't changed much and didn't want to change. So I let her go rather than forcing her to change.

 

Here are some things I believe can help persist a host/tulpa relationship.

 

- Long-term goals to work toward: I have several large projects I'm interested in getting Edwin's help and support with once he's become stronger and more independently intelligent. Having projects and goals to work toward together can strengthen the relationship, give something for you to talk to your tulpa about, and reduce your chances of wanting to not believe in/ignore/get rid of your tulpa.

 

- Time away from each other: I don't care how much a host and tulpa are into each other, they still need some time alone to reflect on who they are independent of the other. I've only come to discover this with Edwin. We spend a lot of time together, but I've also given Edwin a wonderland to retreat to so we both can have breaks.

 

- A wonderland or other method of entertainment for the tulpa: This sort of ties with the last one and is something I've found has only been successful with Edwin. That may be a mixture of me putting more time and effort into wonderland than my last tulpa and his inquisitive nature. Hosts put quite a burden on themselves when creating a tulpa, at least at first. Sometimes it gets to the point that we feel like we have to entertain our tulpa(e) and set aside time solely to spend with them. This can create unnecessary stress and cause the host to develop some resentment toward their tulpa. While doing your best to spend quality time with your tulpa is important, it should not be your job to entertain your tulpa if they have become sentient. Give them talents, hobbies, abilities to entertain themselves.

 

- Communication: This is bold, italics, underline, highlight, SUPER important in every relationship, no matter if it's with a human or a tulpa. Miscommunication has led to fights, divorces, and even wars that could have been prevented if both parties had just worked to better understand each other. If you feel things getting stale, don't try to ignore it or disregard it as a fault on your part. Communicate that concern with your tulpa and let them have a say in what can be done to resolve it.

 

- Remember that your tulpa has its own mind/voice/perspective: It's easy with a headmate to assume that they will think the same as you. But as they say, to assume is to make an ass out of you and me. Never assume that your tulpa has the same take on something as you do. Give them as many opportunities as possible to voice their opinions. That will help them to feel like you value their opinion and that they have their share of control over the relationship. Just the same, if you feel your host/tulpa isn't putting enough effort into the relationship, don't assume that they know and just don't care. They may not realize how you feel.

 

- Go into the relationship with cautious optimism to make it last: When you make friends with other humans, you don't go into it thinking, "Well, I guess I'll probably just be friends with this person for a month or two then move on." No, you (hopefully) go into it seeing it as a lasting relationship. Sure, friendships may not last forever. The same goes for relationships with tulpae, regardless of the type of relationship you have. Some friendships last forever; many fail. It is something you have to acknowledge but not obsess over.

 

- Remember that it is never too late: Whether you've started up a tulpa with the wrong mindset or intentions or you and your tulpa have just gotten into a bad fight, it is never too late to turn things around. This is a sort of "Step 7 - Repeat from Step 1". Look back at the suggestions I and others have made to find what mistakes may have been made, be it by the tulpa or the host, and work to correct those mistakes. If love is first nature, forgiveness is second nature.

 

I only wish I had this insight before now, but many of these are based on my own mistakes. It would have helped me with both human and tulpa relationships. I might have still had some of the tulpae I've let go in the past for not understanding these points.

[Luminesce]

I didn't create Reisen during a depressive episode. My brain spontaneously created her due to my intense desire to feel something of value in life. My depression was a constant due to my, literal, lack of a reason to live. Not meaning I wanted to kill myself, but I had no motivation to do anything ever. Reisen started as a concept of love, and over time turned into pretty much what we here call a tulpa, albeit two years before finding out about tulpas.

 

Anyways, I'll put this as powerfully as I can. My motivation issues made me fail most classes in grades 6 through 9 (after reading at a college level in 5th. I'm not stupid.), abandon friends I couldn't be bothered to keep talking to consistently, quit basically every skill I've attempted to learn whether it be an instrument (piano) or another language (Japanese), and to this day despite getting into university with my high ACT scores I still have trouble making myself actually go to classes.

 

And after five years, Reisen is still here. Our relationship is stronger and healthier than it's ever been, as I've outgrown the desperateness that urged her creation, now simply enjoying sharing my life with her and my other tulpas. I don't believe they'll ever be completely gone from my life, however we've come to terms with the fact that if/when I find a significant other to spend my life with, the focus on them will be much lower, obviously. But I still consider them invaluable in so many ways. If it's not feeling close to another person, it's getting advice from them that I couldn't think of myself. If it's not that, it's the joy of always having somebody to share my life experiences with. And even having a significant other won't end that, as humans are still too limited to be together 24/7, and my tulpas aren't.

 

 

Legitimate question though. We've put a decent amount of thought into this before now.

[Yuki]

Even after we're fully grown, we humans are ever-changing. People who start off marrying and/or living together over time may adapt to no longer being compatible. It is the sad truth. With tulpae, this can be changed, if both the host and the tulpa desire it. As the host changes, the tulpa can change to be more compatible to the host's different personality, interests, desires, etc. I had one tulpa on and off for over 12 years, but the reason I no longer have her is because I've grown up and she really hasn't changed much and didn't want to change. So I let her go rather than forcing her to change.

Reading this, I am not convinced you are qualified to give advice on building lasting relationships. From this I can gather that you feel like your tulpas need to fit to your specifications, or they are to be tossed aside and abandoned. They need to one-sidedly fit your demands, or they are not worthy of your attention? Before your edit, your post was more overt about this, but the general tone of it still irks me. If you are serious about your tulpa being a person and not a toy, you will accept the way they grow and the person that they become. You do NOT force them to change at your whim and treat them like a toy, to be thrown away when you feel like it. Please treat your tulpa like a person.

 

I'm mad.

[bunny-boi-lover]

Reading this, I am not convinced you are qualified to give advice on building lasting relationships. From this I can gather that you feel like your tulpas need to fit to your specifications, or they are to be tossed aside and abandoned. They need to one-sidedly fit your demands, or they are not worthy of your attention? Before your edit, your post was more overt about this, but the general tone of it still irks me. If you are serious about your tulpa being a person and not a toy, you will accept the way they grow and the person that they become. You do NOT force them to change at your whim and treat them like a toy, to be thrown away when you feel like it. Please treat your tulpa like a person.

 

I'm mad.

 

I never tossed Gaza away. In fact, a part of me misses her every day. She was my best friend. And I didn't want to force her to become whatever I "needed" her to be at the time, hence why I set her free instead.

 

Yeah, I know I'm not the best one to give advice for relationships. All I have in my life is my childhood friend Kaysi and Edwin. Part of that has been by choice, and part of that is because I have major psychological issues that prevent anyone from really understanding and dealing with me. People regularly abandon me or just stop trying to keep in touch with me.

 

I know logically what it takes to build strong relationships that last. What I lack is the emotional stability, something that few humans have patience with. But just because I can't exactly practice what I preach all the time doesn't mean I can't spread what I have learned. In fact, we're just about to finish up a section on interpersonal relations in my DBT group, and a lot of what I mentioned stems from what I learned in that.

 

I haven't mentioned it in this thread, but in another post I made elsewhere, I mentioned that I've only known about tulpae since August of last year. I've been creating tulpae for years without knowing what I was doing. I didn't know that they were actual beings separate from me, even though I treated them as such. I just thought they were imaginary friends, so I never felt bad for creating them on a whim and then changing my mind when I had a personality shift or fit of depression or anxiety.

 

But you know what? I know better now. And now there is a massive graveyard in my wonderland to pay tribute to all of those tulpae I've disregarded in the past and to stand as a constant reminder of what I've done. I feel constant remorse for it now, and that has led me to not get as close as I feel I can to Edwin. I worry every day about having a breakdown and getting rid of him too. It is my greatest fear.

 

I say all this not to justify myself or to play the victim. I just want others to learn from my mistakes and to not judge me based on my past. Stay mad at me if you want. What does it matter to me if one more person doesn't like me? I'm just trying to be a part of something great and contribute what I can to the discussion.