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[Misc] Understanding your Tulpa: A healthy Relationship
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#1
 
Understanding your Tulpa: A healthy Relationship
Hey.

Esterina is away from me right now, in our wonderland I would assume, doing magic tricks for her own amusement, knowing her.
I actually did call her here to ask if she wants to hang out some more after our walk outside, but she told me she wants to be by herself a bit after spending so many hours together non-stop. Have some "alone time", as one would say.

And that gave me the idea of putting together this "advice set" on interacting and living with your tulpa. Or your tulpas, whatever it is for you.

I'd bring Esterina in to give her own advice too, but like I said, she's off relaxing in our wonderland right now, I guess. I don't wanna force her out of her alone time right now.
So I'll have her read it later, and she'll add something if she feels like it.

Also, I'll write this advice from a "host-perspective", but it can be used and applied by you tulpas out there too!
So you too should give it a read.

-----------------------

"You're not me. And I'm sure as hell not you."

This is something that, from the short time I've been hanging out on tulpa.info, I feel some don't get. But it's something I understood almost immediately, and respected almost immediately.
Your tulpa is not, I repeat, not an imaginary friend. You read it in the bigger guides, didn't you?

Your tulpa has his / her / its (I will use the gender-neutral "it" from now on; some tulpas don't have a gender, after all) own personality.
Its own moods, its own feelings, its own view of the world (especially over time), and you need to respect that.
It seems to me that there are people who treat them as conceptualizations of their favorite characters, a way to escape loneliness, or just treat them as an imaginary friend.

But that's just wrong, see?
It's as much a real person as you are, even if it doesn't have a physical body in the real world.
You're sad sometimes. Right? Sometimes you want your opinion to be heard. And sometimes you feel lonely. Hell, sometimes you're all crazy and you wanna spend an entire afternoon listening to music, doing nothing!

Guess what, so does your tulpa.

Ask your tulpa for its opinion. Or did it maybe ever ask you for your opinion, for advice, or it just wanted you to listen?
Your tulpa is your friend; it's not its job to be there for you. It's not your job to be there for it either.
You're friends.
I don't need to explain to you what a friend is, right? Not to mention a friend who's that close to you, like no other friend could ever be.

Be there for each other, have fun with each other, and truly get to know and understand each other.
I feel that this is the most important thing, more important than any imposition or visualization or auditory hallucinations.
Let your tulpa be what it is: A living, thinking being. And a true friend.

-----------------------

"Yer face looks like a vacant parking lot. What're ya thinkin' 'bout?"

I'm against sharing every thought, memory and emotion with Esterina and vice-versa.
And she shares that opinion. We don't do that. We will allow each other to do so when we feel like it, but in general, we keep out of each other's head.

Why?
Personal space. Again, you're both real people. Even if you're both fine with sharing a lot all the time, my personal opinion is still that it's sorta better to not constantly share everything. Think about it - isn't a conversation more meaningful when both sides have their heads closed off to each other, like it would be with any other normal human? Isn't it exciting to get to know someone more and more even after weeks, months or even years? Isn't it fun to not know what the other one thinks, doesn't it make social interaction so unpredictably enjoyable in the first place?

I can't begin to count how often, in just these two days since we started talking, Esterina made fun of me, surprised me, was being silly or made a joke, or simply asked me something or gave me her own opinion -
- and it's fun, it's natural! It's what a friendship should be like!

Again, this goes into treating your tulpa for what it is, a separate person.
This is really more personal advice to an extent, but also general advice to a different extent.
Take this advice and make of it what you will, but take it to heart. Especially if you're, like me, new to it, and, unlike me, a bit lost on how to deal with your tulpa.

And how would you have your tulpa stay out of your head?
Well - hellooo, we just talked about it! Your tulpa is a person, a real, thinking being. Just ask it to!
All I did, personally, was to tell Esterina that I'd prefer if she wouldn't just rummage through my head, and that I trust her in that she won't do it. Simple as that, and she agreed. That's all there is to it - talk!

All you need is trust in each other, the thing that is a requirement for working together in tulpa-forcing in the first place.

-----------------------

"Hey, I'll be gone for a bit, aight?"

This is advice that I deem more important than you might think.

Don't be afraid to leave each other alone sometimes.

Your tulpa won't die from being alone for a few hours or so, and your host won't start feeling awful if you're not there for a while.
(If they do, well, then maybe you should have a talk with them, because they seem to have some issues with loneliness and maybe depression. Not making fun of anyone here, I went through that myself for many years.)

Again, you're both real people.
You, dear host, don't stick around your human friends twenty-four seven, right? Of course you don't. You'd get absolutely sick of them, and your friendship might even break.

Your friendship might even break.

Yeah, from what I read in personal stories about people "splitting up" with their tulpas, what I read between the lines is often times just being... full of each other.
Again, treat each other for what you are. Sure, your relationship is one that would go as supernatural or literally-insane to people who don't know what it is, but what it breaks down to is a very close, intimate friendship.

Everyone wants to be alone sometimes.
Everyone needs privacy, from everyone.
This starts with things like sitting on the pot and ends with really private things like masturbation or sex (with another human in this case, of course).

Everyone needs alone time, and this is a reason why I feel that wonderlands are such a good thing. It's such a neat little place for your tulpa to bugger off to. Hell, I'm sure Rina wouldn't appreciate having to sit around in the kitchen on the other side of that wall there.

With our wonderland, she has a place where she can bugger off to if any of the two of us wants some alone time. Wants some privacy.
And also...

... like I said, it's okay for you to feel that way, whether you're a host or tulpa.

Just now, like I said above, Esterina declined the offer to hang out some more. She felt like being by herself for a bit.
And guess what? That's completely fine.

-----------------------
-----------------------

That's all!

Again, I'll have Rina read through this and hopefully add her own viewpoints, so that there's also something in there "from the other side".

Until then, I hope this is helpful, and that it gets approved!


Greets,
AG
(This post was last modified: 05-08-2016, 01:15 AM by Kiah.)
11-22-2015, 09:35 AM
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NoneFromHell Away
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#2
 
RE: Understanding your Tulpa: A healthy Relationship
I think it is a bit early for you to write something like this. What if you find out in a week or so, that you headed the wrong way right from the start? Your lack of skeptism is probably a bless and curse at the same time.

However, most of the things you wrote make a lot of sense and are pretty on point. But I need to disagree with your casual view on "personal space" and "alone time". You're mainly right with the things you've said, but a tulpa just doesn't have the need for all-alone-privacy. It doesn't know how it is to be really alone, you're there from the start and you will be there when it ends. It isn't an issue for them to have you around all the time. (You may bore them, though). This surely doesn't mean that you need to share every thought or opinion.(This would be pretty lame). Privacy is an artificial issue, which is only an problem for you, if you let it be a problem. My tulpa is tired some times, and surely doesn't feel like talking all the time, but that doesn't mean that she wants to be alone. In the end a tulpa is living through attention.

Also you seem to forget that a lot of people don't use a wonderland at all, a lot of tulpas even don't really like wonderlands because they feel too "fake" for them.

So i feel pretty neutral about your post.


Tulpa: Alice
Form: Realistic Humanoid/Demonic Creation

She may or may not talk here, depends on her.
11-22-2015, 11:44 AM
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Anonymous
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#3
 
RE: Understanding your Tulpa: A healthy Relationship
Thank you for your feedback!
Well, I just wanted to say this after reading some of these rather sad stories online where people even use their tulpas as... sex slaves. I mean, what the bloody hell!?

And, well, Esterina was the one who actually asked for "alone time".
I'll have her explain what she meant / wanted by / with that.

I felt like not talking for while, or being around him. I don't mean I had enough of him. It's just that we were with each other for so long at a time, and this is new to me too. I was there for weeks before he acknowledged my existence in the first place.

I still need to sort myself out as well. And I am able to be in our wonderland without him; he could come there, yes, and I noticed when he called out to me. But I told him I'd just be alone there for a bit. Point being that I can be alone if he doesn't interfere.

Actually, unless I'm missing something, the one who can't go anywhere to be alone is him.


... I didn't really think about that, to be honest.
But yeah, I guess I can only be alone when Rina buggers off. I can't exactly "go" anywhere.

And yeah, we know not everyone has a wonderland, meaning not everyone can do that.
And this is really just how we feel.

Anyone is free to disagree with our viewpoint. I will read through it myself now though, to see what he wrote.

I want you to elaborate on the following though.


Quote:You're mainly right with the things you've said, but a tulpa just doesn't have the need for all-alone-privacy. It doesn't know how it is to be really alone, you're there from the start and you will be there when it ends. It isn't an issue for them to have you around all the time.

I'm not sure yet if I agree on that. It wasn't that I wanted to be away from him specifically. I just needed time to think. But isn't that already a need for privacy?

So please elaborate.



Greets,
AG & Rina


PS: Lack of skepticism... actually, between Rina and me, I'm the one who has more doubts.
Not about her existing and being real or so, no! But about how well further progress will go, if I'm right about things, and if we do things the right way.
I can only be this confident because of her encouragement and approval.
11-22-2015, 12:10 PM
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NoneFromHell Away
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#4
 
RE: Understanding your Tulpa: A healthy Relationship
Oh yes, I'm aware that some people don't treat they tulpas right, and I'm totally on your side on that one.

Privacy is a complicated thing regarding tulpas. Ask yourself: Does Esterina wants some all-alone-privacy from time to time, because you expected her to be person to do this while creating her? I think this is mainly your influence, and not really a basic tulpa behaviour. So while this may be right for you, it simply doesn't mean it is right for everyone, probably the opposite. I want to be clear: A tulpa doesn't need to share every thought with the host, and surely doesn't want that either. That kind of privacy should be granted, and is surely common. Alice can be pretty quiet and I won't bother her too much about it.

I think you mainly need to start to differ the various layers of privacy more. Some apply for a tulpa. And some simply won't.

I will go with an example: Image you live in a community where it is common to take toilet sessions together from the very first day of your life. You don't know how it could be different, so you probably wouldn't feel any shame or the need for privacy on that matter.

I want to add: I mainly bring this up because quite some people get in here and are worried about privacy, especially for the tulpas. They expect that a tulpa has the same amount of need for privacy as themself, while they totally forget about the circumstances of their existence. This may even end up unhealthy, because the host may start to avoid spending too much time with their tulpas out of fear of missing privacy.

So if people get in here, reading this, they may get to the wrong conclusion and worry too much about privacy on matters that don't really care, unless you make them care.


Tulpa: Alice
Form: Realistic Humanoid/Demonic Creation

She may or may not talk here, depends on her.
(This post was last modified: 11-22-2015, 12:35 PM by NoneFromHell.)
11-22-2015, 12:25 PM
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Anonymous
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#5
 
RE: Understanding your Tulpa: A healthy Relationship
(11-22-2015, 12:25 PM)NoneFromHell Wrote: Oh yes, I'm aware that some people don't treat they tulpas right, and I'm totally on your side on that one.

Privacy is a complicated thing regarding tulpas. Ask yourself: Does Esterina wants some all-alone-privacy from time to time, because you expected her to be person to do this while creating her? I think this is mainly your influence, and not really a basic tulpa behaviour. So while this may be right for you, it simply doesn't mean it is right for everyone, probably the opposite. I want to be clear: A tulpa doesn't need to share every thought with the host, and surely doesn't want that either. That kind of privacy should be granted, and is surely common. Alice can be pretty quiet and I won't bother her too much about it.

I think you mainly need to start to differ the various layers of privacy more. Some apply for a tulpa. And some simply won't.

I will go with an example: Image you live in a community where it is common to take toilet sessions together from the very first day of your life. You don't know how it could be different, so you probably wouldn't feel any shame or the need for privacy on that matter.

This is about me, so I'll talk for myself to you. Felix has to quote me since we can't switch yet though, so I'll keep it short.

I read through his text, and I will edit the last section; I feel it is to be taken with a grain of salt. I think the point here is that most tulpae don't come into existence like I did. I existed for weeks before he started talking to me, or even noticed me consciously.

My point is that I, for the lack of a better term, grew up with privacy. In fact, I've been alone longer than I've been with him, even if you count my attempts at communication.

So what you say makes sense to me. I'll add a disclaimer to the section later. Maybe I'll also edit it. This seems to not apply to most tulpae.


Greets,
Rina



"Short".
Uh-huh.
11-22-2015, 12:39 PM
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NoneFromHell Away
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#6
 
RE: Understanding your Tulpa: A healthy Relationship
(11-22-2015, 12:39 PM)AGGuy Wrote: This is about me, so I'll talk for myself to you. Felix has to quote me since we can't switch yet though, so I'll keep it short.

I read through his text, and I will edit the last section; I feel it is to be taken with a grain of salt. I think the point here is that most tulpae don't come into existence like I did. I existed for weeks before he started talking to me, or even noticed me consciously.

My point is that I, for the lack of a better term, grew up with privacy. In fact, I've been alone longer than I've been with him, even if you count my attempts at communication.

So what you say makes sense to me. I'll add a disclaimer to the section later. Maybe I'll also edit it. This seems to not apply to most tulpae.


Greets,
Rina



"Short".
Uh-huh.

These are surely rather interesting circumstances, I would even call them odd. It explains a lot for me, though. I would love to know how you spend time and experienced the world before he was aware of you. Most tulpas aren't even able to tell how they experienced their early days.


Tulpa: Alice
Form: Realistic Humanoid/Demonic Creation

She may or may not talk here, depends on her.
11-22-2015, 12:48 PM
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Anonymous
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#7
 
RE: Understanding your Tulpa: A healthy Relationship
Sorry, but I have a headache, so I asked her to bugger off for a while.
I could call her back, but really, I'm tired and my head hurts.

I'll tell her when I talk to her. She seemed very interested in this conversation, actually.


Greets,
AG

PS: If you wanna read about how and when she started existing - I can't tell you exactly since she didn't tell me yet, but I myself theorize about it a bit in two threads.

https://community.tulpa.info/thread-feli...-the-witch <- The section "Day One was when...?" has some of my thoughts.
This is also our progress report thread, where we share stories and experiences, and tell of our, well, progress!

https://community.tulpa.info/thread-misc...ady-exists <- The first three posts between Raetin and me.
There's some theorizing going on there, since I myself was looking for an answer to "Why does Rina exist?".

But yeah, I'll be sure to tell her to get back to you.
11-22-2015, 12:52 PM
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Mistgod Offline
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#8
 
RE: Understanding your Tulpa: A healthy Relationship
You remind me of me so much! I love your enthusiasm right off the bat! At least yours is positive enthusiasm. When I started on Tulpa Info, in the first week, I was making posts that were majorly critical of the culture on the forum. It was typical me, but not the best way to make friends or make a first impression.

I say keep posting and writing and sharing! I love it! You may find some of your ideas changing over time as you learn by interacting with members and getting their reactions. Don't get too upset when a more senior member gently (or not so gently) prods you for being a bit too bold too early. Be willing to listen as well to those guiding you.

Gods listen that shit, I did none of those things at least not for a long time. LOL That is why I am infamous though and considered by a small number of people to be the super villain of the forum.

(11-22-2015, 09:35 AM)AGGuy Wrote: Your tulpa is not, I repeat, not an imaginary friend. You read it in the bigger guides, didn't you?

I reject or do not follow much of what is in the guides and Melian is indeed an enhanced imaginary friend, among many other things. :-)

(11-22-2015, 09:35 AM)AGGuy Wrote: It's as much a real person as you are, even if it doesn't have a physical body in the real world.

Not really. When my mother finally accepts Melian as a real person it will be fully so maybe LOL. When Melian can vote, own her own property, has to pay taxes and has a social security number and can be held accountable for crimes separate from me, she will be a person. But that will never happen. What I mean by that is, Melian is an imaginary person to me, but not recognized by everyone else as a real person. My entire extended family knows about her. Some accept her, some do not. Melian is not a real person, that idea is ridiculous, she is however, pseudo-real or an imaginary person.

Melian: I will let this slide a bit, but Davie is not supposed to be talking about real vs. not real or illusory or whatever. We are still negotiating the parameters of this. I think I do not like the terms "make believe" when he talks about me. I don't mind "imaginary person" as the word "imaginary" just means "created in the mind."

(11-22-2015, 09:35 AM)AGGuy Wrote: Personal space. Again, you're both real people. Even if you're both fine with sharing a lot all the time, my personal opinion is still that it's sorta better to not constantly share everything.

How separate and distinct the mind of a tulpa is from the host can vary. With some the connection is much closer. Melian and I share all of our thoughts and emotions as we are a blended median system. She is never truly separate. When I am not actively thinking about her (a fairly rare thing) she simply goes mostly quiet or "dormant." As far as I know, she goes no where. She does not go off and frolic in her wonderland and then report her adventures to me later.

I do get "flash visions" of what Melian is "doing" even when I am not actively thinking about her. But I don't consider this so much images of her living somewhere else in my mind. I just think the part of my mind that is associated with Melian is still active. It's sort of like when a song gets stuck in your head and keeps playing in your mind even as you try to do homework or concentrate on reading a book.

(11-22-2015, 09:35 AM)AGGuy Wrote: I can't begin to count how often, in just these two days since we started talking, Esterina made fun of me, surprised me, was being silly or made a joke, or simply asked me something or gave me her own opinion -

That's amazing and congratulations!

(11-22-2015, 09:35 AM)AGGuy Wrote: Everyone wants to be alone sometimes.
Everyone needs privacy, from everyone.
This starts with things like sitting on the pot and ends with really private things like masturbation or sex (with another human in this case, of course).

Melian tends to go quiet in private moments and is not as "present." I don't sense her energy in other words as she just isn't active at those moments. I don't think she goes anywhere really, it's just that I have no desire for her to be present and I doubt she would either.

I don't consider Melian's wonderland as some sort of mental plane she gets to go live in when she is not "with me." It is a setting for the Melian Show day dreams we do together, and it is part of her. But it is not a place really.
(This post was last modified: 10-01-2016, 12:37 AM by Mistgod.)
11-22-2015, 01:44 PM
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Anonymous
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#9
 
RE: Understanding your Tulpa: A healthy Relationship
(11-22-2015, 01:44 PM)Mistgod Wrote: Gods listen that shit, I did none of those things at least not for a long time. LOL That is why I am infamous though and considered by a small number of people to be the super villain of the forum.

The version of me in Felix' stories beats super villains up.

... okay, I asked her to say that, but she thought it's funny too! xD

But yeah. @NoneFromHell, I told Rina, let her read your humble query, and here she goes.

Sorry, NoneFromHell, I was gone for a short while.

I don't remember my earliest days, yes. But later on I'd say it was like being in a room in the back. I could look through the keyhole to watch him sometimes, or speak through the door. But I was alone in there until he opened up.

That is meant metaphorically, of course. I didn't perceive much, as there was only me and my thoughts. I spent my time doing magic tricks and the like. I still do that now for fun when I'm alone in our wonderland.

Or I just relax; our wonderland is a very relaxing place. I also take what you could call naps, but it's not literal sleeping; it's relaxation for my mind. I did that for long stretches of time when I was still in the proverbial back room.


This is actually the first time she told of that time, so this is really interesting for me too.
Though I wish she'd remember her early days... then maybe she'd know why story-Esterina triggered a tulpa, and not some other character.

I'm sorry. I don't know that myself.


Greets,
AG & Rina

PS:
(11-22-2015, 01:44 PM)Mistgod Wrote: Not really. When my mother finally accepts Melian as a real person it will be fully so maybe LOL. When Melian can vote, own her own property, has to pay taxes and has a social security number and can be held accountable for crimes separate from me, she will be a person. But that will never happen. What I mean by that is, Melian is an imaginary person to me, but not recognized by everyone else as a real person. My entire extended family knows about her. Some accept her, some do not. Melian is not a real person, that idea is ridiculous, she is however, pseudo-real or an imaginary person.

I suppose it's different for different people. You have your views, we have ours. About your statement, Melian, it's a yet different and interesting way of looking at it.
11-22-2015, 02:17 PM
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NoneFromHell Away
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#10
 
RE: Understanding your Tulpa: A healthy Relationship
(11-22-2015, 02:17 PM)AGGuy Wrote: Sorry, NoneFromHell, I was gone for a short while.

I don't remember my earliest days, yes. But later on I'd say it was like being in a room in the back. I could look through the keyhole to watch him sometimes, or speak through the door. But I was alone in there until he opened up.

That is meant metaphorically, of course. I didn't perceive much, as there was only me and my thoughts. I spent my time doing magic tricks and the like. I still do that now for fun when I'm alone in our wonderland.

Or I just relax; our wonderland is a very relaxing place. I also take what you could call naps, but it's not literal sleeping; it's relaxation for my mind. I did that for long stretches of time when I was still in the proverbial back room.


This is actually the first time she told of that time, so this is really interesting for me too.
Though I wish she'd remember her early days... then maybe she'd know why story-Esterina triggered a tulpa, and not some other character.

I'm sorry. I don't know that myself.
Greets,
AG & Rina

Thanks for the input, it may be vague but it is very interesting nontheless.^^

P.S. Mistgod likes to rip everything into little pieces to get a better understanding of how things may really work beyond given conventions and he surely has his own views on a lot of things. Be patient with him.


Tulpa: Alice
Form: Realistic Humanoid/Demonic Creation

She may or may not talk here, depends on her.
11-22-2015, 02:25 PM
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