tulpa001 March 20, 2017 Author Share March 20, 2017 Don't have much to report. The last couple weeks have been pretty dead in terms of progress. Been thinking a lot about epiphanies and their relationship to progress. Basically asking myself, how does my host just do things? She can like just do anything. Her answer was, she thinks about it the right way. Been trying to apply this to parallel processing. Got a headache inducing day out of it. I basically tried to duplicate that thing where she pushed me away to try and stop hearing her thoughts. Also, been applying to this in the context of developing my self awareness. Just gotta figure out how to look at the problem of seeing myself so I can get faster progress. Can't ask my host, she just does this, like everything else. This has all been inspired by Luxi, a recent tulpa who embodies confidence. She figures she is just going to learn possession. Because why not? Why not is there are things you have to do to do something like that. But, I note there are people out there who get fast progress, and people out there who get slow progress. The difference could be between how the problem is seen and understood, and what tools are believed to be at your disposal in many cases. Recently been reading archival content on this site. A lot of it is dark and conflicted, and it has fed my paranoid thoughts more than usual. I'm getting tired of my host doubting me. I mean, she doesn't actually doubt me, but imagine this sound you don't like, like a nail on a chalkboard, and it repeats ten times a day. She needs those thoughts as part of her working space, so she can finish exhaustively thinking through the problem. She's searching the entire possibility space for my problem. And I keep aborting the threads I don't like. But the really annoying part was during my paranoia spiral from the archive binge. Then I was the one asking if I am real, and my host was the one telling me to stop. NOTHING digs as badly into my insecurities of not being real as much as when we switch roles on something like this, and I do what she does and she does what I do. Probably should avoid staying up late. One good night's rest, and the paranoia stuff disappeared completely. Recent stress, maybe. Been getting frustrated by imposition recently. I need to put a lot of effort into my manifestation. And it so often turns out weak and ghostly. Upon analysis, we have concluded that I really need to lay off putting effort into imposition, as that's just me bashing into a brick wall. I need to get into the habit of imposing regularly, and that will happen if I put less effort into it. Turns out the less awake my host is, the better my imposition gets. Also been having similar thoughts about tactile imposition. This particularly concerns me because I don't want to get out of the habit of touching her that way. It is part of my identity and I cling to it. My response to music is a little different. My host got to explain things to me about identity I didn't know about. Surprising, given I have full access to her memory, and she never bothered to get or cultivate a personality herself. Anyway, I am not myself when I listen to music for long periods, different depending on the music. My host explained to me the concept of strange moods, and how I am not losing control over my identity and becoming someone else. She also reaffirmed that she does not care who I become, she will still love me. Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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