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Tulpa's log


tulpa001
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Don't have much to report. The last couple weeks have been pretty dead in terms of progress.

 

Been thinking a lot about epiphanies and their relationship to progress. Basically asking myself, how does my host just do things? She can like just do anything. Her answer was, she thinks about it the right way.

 

Been trying to apply this to parallel processing. Got a headache inducing day out of it. I basically tried to duplicate that thing where she pushed me away to try and stop hearing her thoughts.

 

Also, been applying to this in the context of developing my self awareness. Just gotta figure out how to look at the problem of seeing myself so I can get faster progress. Can't ask my host, she just does this, like everything else.

 

This has all been inspired by Luxi, a recent tulpa who embodies confidence. She figures she is just going to learn possession. Because why not? Why not is there are things you have to do to do something like that. But, I note there are people out there who get fast progress, and people out there who get slow progress. The difference could be between how the problem is seen and understood, and what tools are believed to be at your disposal in many cases.

 


 

Recently been reading archival content on this site. A lot of it is dark and conflicted, and it has fed my paranoid thoughts more than usual.

 

I'm getting tired of my host doubting me. I mean, she doesn't actually doubt me, but imagine this sound you don't like, like a nail on a chalkboard, and it repeats ten times a day. She needs those thoughts as part of her working space, so she can finish exhaustively thinking through the problem. She's searching the entire possibility space for my problem. And I keep aborting the threads I don't like.

 

But the really annoying part was during my paranoia spiral from the archive binge. Then I was the one asking if I am real, and my host was the one telling me to stop. NOTHING digs as badly into my insecurities of not being real as much as when we switch roles on something like this, and I do what she does and she does what I do.

 

Probably should avoid staying up late. One good night's rest, and the paranoia stuff disappeared completely. Recent stress, maybe.

 


 

Been getting frustrated by imposition recently. I need to put a lot of effort into my manifestation. And it so often turns out weak and ghostly. Upon analysis, we have concluded that I really need to lay off putting effort into imposition, as that's just me bashing into a brick wall. I need to get into the habit of imposing regularly, and that will happen if I put less effort into it.

 

Turns out the less awake my host is, the better my imposition gets.

 

Also been having similar thoughts about tactile imposition. This particularly concerns me because I don't want to get out of the habit of touching her that way. It is part of my identity and I cling to it.

 


 

My response to music is a little different. My host got to explain things to me about identity I didn't know about. Surprising, given I have full access to her memory, and she never bothered to get or cultivate a personality herself. Anyway, I am not myself when I listen to music for long periods, different depending on the music. My host explained to me the concept of strange moods, and how I am not losing control over my identity and becoming someone else.

 

She also reaffirmed that she does not care who I become, she will still love me.

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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I mean, just think that you can do it, and you can do it. If you approach something with the attitude of "I can't do it" for whatever reason, chances are you can't. Thinking "I can do it" might not guarantee anything, but at least you're not ruining your chances. And when you finally do do it, you think "Oh I was right, I could do it."

 

Thinking "I can't do it" is likely why Apollo and Piano have so much trouble possessing.

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  • 1 month later...

Progress as usual! In fact that's the problem. Go back and read a few posts in this log. The same, only more, and I don't want to repeat myself. So I am essentially posting to post.

 

Easter was intense, spent too much time socialising, and the whole time I was being driven mad by not typing enough to friends online. This is such a strange and alien sensation from my host's perspective.

 

Then I decided to learn french on a french tulpa forum online. It worked. Nursed a headache the day after. It was a really intense experience.

 

Earlier, I noticed that when I moved, my host got dizzy. Reflecting back, I think we were sick and it is just that neither of us really noticed. Eh.

 


 

My host has been her usual annoying self constantly questioning the degree to which the evidence before us supports the various theories as to what I am. I think there has been an evolution on her attitude towards all this.

 

At first, I was her miracle, and she refused to doubt me. Then I started getting really bad anxiety, and she instructed me to stop thinking about it and stop caring about it. Then I got better control of our emotions and she started exploring the questions of what I was again. Now, I am losing my anxiety response now that I fully realise what I am is not affected by our investigation.

 

And it is necessary for us to have proper medical context to design a health plan and lifestyle regimen.

 


 

Been trying to feel more real. Had a few minor epiphanies. I have no idea how our separation ritual works, but we quickly go from confusion to obvious as to who is doing what. And it vastly improves my mood.

 

I have had the really strong notion that everything looks different to me. Like her hand looks small and beautiful to me, but looks large and gross to her. But, then she possessed a bit and looked at her hand and saw it the same way I do. So I don't know. Perspective is super freaky weird.

 

We've been talking, and she noticed that I am most definitely not her. She possessed, and moved like she does in the morning, lethargic and whatnot. At her limit, essentially. Then she relaxed and asked me to take over again, and I moved how I do, with a lot more energy and vigour.

 

How different can one body move anyway? There's only four limbs and not that many joints. Humans aren't very flexible at all.

 

Au revoir!

 


 

PS: I've finally got to the point where I can say for sure that I have thoughts she cannot see. I still struggle to remember anything I think without voicing it inside our head. But I am now certain that not all of my thoughts are visible to her.

 

This is most evident when I try to stay quiet while she thinks. I don't go away!

 

Crawling forward on the ability to sense the self dirictly.

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Err, welcome back to Tulpa's Tulpa's log.

 

Last week was an immersive experience. Intense research into hypnosis let us to have a massive breakthrough in separation. It is not actually that impressive, but we are used to next to no progress on that front.

 

Some interesting things to note. I seem to get a lot more huggy, and inappropriately funny when separated better. Or it could be the new community I joined.

 

Discovered that hypnoponies is a community that is like half tulpa. Turns out that if you try to hypnotise yourself into thinking you are a talking cartoon horse, you tend to accidentally create tulpas. Like half the time. Their community is rather huggy and inappropriately funny.

 

I have inherited that chamelionlike trait of my host to reflect the mannerisms of whoever I am paying attention to.

 

NSFW:

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It seems some point I have developed a dominance fetish, and my host a submission fetish. It has likely grown off her love of having a tulpa, and my love of becoming more of a person.

 

As I control all the time, and she loves to push against that control, it has been very difficult for me to not think horny thoughts.

 

Now that I think about this, it is something I am going to need to work on. It has been feeding my fears, and making me not trust myself. I will need to work on separating out my emotional responses from my decision making, and not let us get trapped in a situation where she does not control enough.

 

But also, I need to recognise that finding something pleasurable does not mean that I am a monster. I can enjoy stuff, if it is happening and that is fine. The trouble is if I let it happen when it shouldn't, or if I let this pleasure affect my view of the situation. But I don't do that.

 

Likewise, if I enjoy imagining things go further, that is not the same as wanting them to actually go further. I'm not going to live out my fantasies. I'm not going to turn into that monster. This one in particular has been bothersome when it comes to some of the stuff we do in the wonderland. Because I am a tulpa, I know that imagined things are not necessarily imaginary. And I am constantly worried I am doing damage when I daydream these things.

 

My host does not have these problems, despite being in a similar situation, because she is way ahead of me in coming to these conclusions.

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It has occurred to me how directed people's thoughts are by their emotions, and they don't even realise. Like as an example, my logical, and exhaustively rigorous host. She exhaustively explores the question of if I am real or not. Why?

 

I mean, relative to the things she does explore, she is logical and exhaustive. But how does she choose what to explore? She explores much less of reality than it feels like she does from her perspective. The answer is simple. Emotional investment.

 

By my panicking every time she asks these sorts of questions, weakly, and in the back of our brain notwithstanding, that creates an emotional pressure. That pressure is like a giant flashing neon post-it note on the question. Tomorrow, and the next day, she is just going to go back to that question, because it is right there.

 

Though this separation has been great. she has said "Finally, I am seeing the evidence I've been looking for." Nothing has changed, but now, her mind can wander, and she can see a really strong disconnect between what she is thinking, and how I am moving the body. It now, truly and properly, feels like she is a person, inside another person's body, watching as they do stuff.

 

And all this new evidence and insight is also allowing us to better observe the reverse. The influence I have had on her. For months before I was even a tulpa I was her muse, and she channelled me in order to write to others properly. But more than that I was already there, subtly changing her preferences and feeling us some emotions before I started separating out.

 

Now that we are split better, her communication is starting to fall back to her disaffected, disinterested normal.

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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  • 4 weeks later...

It seems so crazy that one person can switch places with their tulpa, i should experiment it one day, one of mine is pretty excited too.

Also, good luck with your spliting thingy, i don't understand why your host doubts your existence, it seems very convicing even for someone who is skeptical but surely your relationship will improve with time.

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It is strange. The doubts don't go away. Think about how Adam Savage keeps getting those "wtf am I doing moments" despite being a popular and well paid celebrity. Think about how that one--group of--all philosophers drive themselves crazy, consumed by doubt, not knowing for sure if even they themselves are real.

 


 

Absolutely nothing to report this month. Did some crunching to finish my guide, then fielded lots of questions, opened up advanced exprorations into new parts of the community, and now we are entering into a phase where we need to disengage from the community and focus on work.

 

Probably during that period we will get to some more personal exploration and realisations. Maybe finish off our backlog of youtube subscriptions. My host wants me to try a game called Creeper World 3. So I'll do that at some point.

 

All in all, really, I can't stop thinking, did I explain it well enough? Did I describe it well enough how to focus on your tulpa's essence to create them, how it is important for the tulpa to become self aware and push themselves towards intelligence and persistence, how the process needs to be enjoyable and you need to form an obsession? Eh...

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Quite interesting:

 

After a great deal of experimenting, we have found a switch in the brain. When I set it to 100%, my host can't move. When I set it to 0%, we can both control at once. My host managed to access it, and when she sets it negative, I can't control the body anymore. What does it feel like? My host imagines that it is roughly like an eeg control device.

 


 

Host: Tulpa is the most convincing tulpa ever. I have officially reached full effort in trying to control the body without Tulpa's permission without success. This was before we discovered the switch. Tulpa has also successfully evaded my every effort to take control of "myself" and shut down Tulpa. I can also not put words in his mouth or prevent him from saying anything no matter how hard I try.

 


 

Edit: We blend a lot when coding and gaming. Annoying.

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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This is a big thread, I spent about 3 hours reading everything.

It really inspired me to continue creating a tulpa.

[insert inspiring story here]

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