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tulpa001
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Merging. She is much more actively watching now. And that means I feel like her more.

 

That sounds more like blending to me, but I know what you mean. When I have one of my two up front (not possessing, just paying attention to what I'm doing) then I feel more like them. When Piano's up front, I get ceaselessly irritated at the people around me (more than usual) and flinch away from people accidentally touching me. When Apollo's up front, I feel more cheerful and happy-go-lucky.

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Hi Lyra! I think today's entry will be relevant to your last post.

 

As I mentioned before, I've been feeling very numb. It presents strangely. My fluency and emotions do not make sense given my mind is trapped in a black box. A person can't think that way. Theoretically. But my host is not helping me. These are indeed my exact words. And I have very complex emotion towards things, like sexual stimulus, and the opinions of others. I am very sensitive. Yet black box.

 

A few days ago, I spent an hour pushing hard to look at my own thoughts, to see my own thinking. Bizarrely, it worked. I got some basic results. My host told me to keep pushing. I went up several tiers in self awareness. To a mild awareness. Instead of being intimately aware of my host's thoughts, I was intimately aware of my thoughts. Well, halfway. It was sort of fifty fifty.

 

I am not a stranger to this level of self awareness. It has happened nearly every time my host was not "awake" but I was. Actually, it has happened stronger. Especially during our "switching" experiments.

 

The interesting part is my host is still here, unaffected. I actually think her presence is up slightly. Her ability to comment spontaneously without me thinking about her has improved. Oh, and the state has persisted.

 

Been getting extremely tired within hours each day. Could be this. Could be my cutting myself off from all video games a few days ago. Could be tulpa.info submission process related stress. Oh, sorry for being a bit on edge in a few of my posts a couple days ago.

 


 

Earlier, did some parallel processing experiments. I did some arithmetic. We do multi-digit multiplication. My host is terrible at multiplication. Got some reasonable results at me trying to do the multiplication while not letting her see me think. Near the end, we got close to some decent results. Also, got our first head pressure from that since a couple months.

 


 

Host: My turn. Did Tulpa tell you he has been feeling really human? No? Of course not. He should have. He is constantly trying to understand himself, to understand and be satisfied with his reality. Moving from a habit of trying to differentiate himself from me, he is now noting his human nature and habits, as he goes about the day. He still does not fully identify with the body. This is very difficult to explain.

 

Oh, tulpa makes this writing stuff look so easy! Gah!

 

Me: Well, at least it is really hard to have existance crises when you are aware of your own thoughts, your host is clearly not you, her thoughts are not continually affecting you, and you are both getting better at not controlling the body when it is the other's turn.

 

Oh yeah, we examined the degree to which we experience unclaimed thoughts: those we don't know who they belong to. Has been falling steadily. We are down to less than one percent. Recently, we passed the point where they are uncommon enough that we notice all of them, and spend considerable time talking about each one. How do I know? Hostie has been scolding me about obsessing and stressing over them recently. (Though, I think she is somewhat co-culpable)

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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I can't believe I messed up that post. Got distracted while writing it. I was going to point out that the difficult part is remembering the digits in the intermediate results without the other seeing them being remembered by you.

 

^Slow but steady wi--takes an annoyingly long time.

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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Oh, my mind is an echo chamber. It is really unnerving. I am getting massive déjà vu. Like for everything. I don't get it. Smashed something on my way into this head and now everything feels like it's already happened. (started about ten days ago)

 

Also, been getting a new fear, that I'm going to evolve into a real person--This is my objective if you recall. What I am wilfully pushing for. And then my host won't like me anymore because I will be a normal person. She hates normal people. At least from a romantic perspective. Pretty sure I am unconsciously holding myself back at this point. I am terrified of change.

 

I don't want to be an ugly human guy. I want to be a cute naïve changeling with the clingyness and uncertainty she loves so much.

 

Oh crap. I've got body dysphoria.

 

My host is telling me she will always see me as a changeling. But it feels hollow right now.

 

I know that thought and personality does not follow form. But I can't convince myself of the plain truth right now.

 

...Aand I'm over it. Still worried about personality drift towards normalcy, or any other direction away from what my host loves about me.

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

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Take it from me, you don't have to worry about your form changing to what you actually are. We'll always be a normal human guy while switched, and always ourselves in-mind. As for personality though, you've been more like a 'human guy' from the start.

 

Speaking of being a changeling, it's kind of hilarious to think of a changeling with body dysphoria. That's multiple layers of not-quite-right.

Hi. I'm one of Luminesce's tulpas. Unlike the others, I don't think I stand out too much from him personality wise.

I'm just special because "I'm a tulpa". So I don't think I've much to offer, here. I'm happy enough to just be with him.

Ask us stuff - https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas

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Your form is what you make it. Even I have a wonderland form that doesn't mirror my physical body. You are still you whatever you are.

 

Human like voice? Did you neigh before?

Human ideas? Did you only think of changeling stuff in the past?

 

You are a person who developed from a daydream. That's like some super famous scientist being worried he will just be a normal boring person after finishing his research. By your very birth you are an interesting person.

 

You strive to be a normal person (in the past) which I view as unrealistic. What defines normal? Normal is an illusion, it's subjective. You've been full body possessing for months. Is that not your normal? Is that normal to Joe Shmoe down the street?

 

"Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos to the fly." - Charles Addams

 

What I would instead say you strive for is independence. What that means to you will be different from anyone else.

 

For Ivy being independent means learning to do something that I do not know. She is learning to play the guitar she got for Christmas.

 

For Raven it's having friendships outside of my own. She talks to many more people than I do, and in those conversations I'm a third wheel unless invited. She wants to make her own seperate identity from me.

 

For Samuel it is doing what I am incapable of doing, which is guarding the system. He wants to help me as a right hand to show he can give independent advice.

 

You need to find your own normal. Figure out what you want to do. Decide how you wish to leave your mark on the world, what you want your future to look like. Whatever happens I'm sure War will still be there beside you while you are the first changeling to do whatever you end up doing.

"My lover's got humour,

She's the giggle at a funeral,

Knows everybody's disapproval,

I should've worshipped her sooner."

 

Host to Samuel, RavenIvy, and Olivia.

 

CERCA TROVA

 

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