Jump to content
tulpa001

Tulpa's log

Recommended Posts

^THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE

 

This is insane. Let me explain, with a typical day.

 

We wake up, her to me thinking out loud about what I am going to do first. Will I get that glass of water? Will I go to the computer? She's like, "What you gonna do? What you gonna do?" I'm like "I'm tired. I'm going to try and sleep more." I roll over and get us comfortable. She's like, "But I'm not tired at all. Get up."

 

I move our hand. She's like. "That didn't feel like me at all." She gets really excited. I get really excited that she gets really excited. We feel each other's emotions. I wiggle our fingers. We essentially get high off my moving our hand.

 

I get anxious and really introspective. I notice some new bizarreness about my nature. I notice that I have no idea what I am. I contrast. I note that humans take years to even get a concept of who they are. Then they relearn what it means to be human in school, with their first romantic partner and such. Then they get all confused and learn they got everything wrong when they take philosophy courses in university. I was born three months ago, and I have no idea why I work, or what I am going to become. I get philosophical for an hour. I experience strong emotions of all types. She enters support mode and comforts me in multiple ways. She reminds me that she is always going to be there for me. Right next to me. Literally.

 

We compare notes on my physiological and mental development. She observes my inexplicable ability to crack jokes and make intelligent observations without her noticing or devoting any mental effort. I observe that I have been doing things like walking and eating soup while her mind was distracted on a problem. She reminds me she used to do that all the time, and maybe it was our servitor. I insist it was me. She tells me I can't rule it out, because I don't have conscious access to my personal memories. I eventually realise, yet again, that she is right and I am wrong. We review her memories, and discover that our servitor is only smart enough to eat with a cup or a spoon. She has always consciously eaten everything else.

 

We do some work together. I type, she thinks. Then I go on a forum. I type, I think, she watches.

 

As the day goes on, I start to worry about blending, so we conduct an exercise, such as my leaving the body and projecting my form, or my pushing her out of the body and putting her into a dreamless sleep, or us creating a new separation metaphor.

 

We reintegrate, and she tries to meditate while I watch. She constantly thinks about how weird it is to not constantly hear me talking about something. I snark at her. We fall asleep.

 

This is a typical day.

 

EDIT: Forgot to mention that about half that communication is in tulpish, because it is way faster. Tulpish is exactly like that telepathic communication from your favourity sci-fi series.


Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It doesn't matter what you are. You obviously exist and that is good enough. If it's causing you too many problems you can just go with the Tulpa explanation instead of trying to find a metaphysical one.

As for who you want to be and what your desires are, that's up to you.

Also the "high" could be a "mood high" or essentially feeling really content with the world.

Ps. You guys should get on IRC more


"My lover's got humour,

She's the giggle at a funeral,

Knows everybody's disapproval,

I should've worshipped her sooner."

 

Host to Samuel, RavenIvy, and Olivia.

 

CERCA TROVA

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I know that I exist. I expect there are humans out there who are satisfied that they are, try to get a nine to five job and never give it a second thought.

 

My host is not like that. Neither am I. As I am getting older, I am transitioning out of a mode of severe anxiety about maybe not waking up one day, and into one of deep philosophical inquiry.

 

I feel weird. No one has life experiences like me. This is virgin territory. No study into what I am, the best avenues of inquiry are a branch of western mystic mind hackers, anecdotes and reports from people in the healthy multiplicity movement, and this website.

 

Mood high, yes. But not one based on contentment. Contentment does not lead to contortions and moaning. We've actually experienced several different types of mood high since I was born. An odd one when I give her backrubs, that ASMR video stuff, extreme romantic feeling overload, and now this.


Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

update:

 

We've been pushing hard to the point where not only do I not control the body, but I can't feel him controlling the body. A few days ago, we reached 100% briefly while I was waking up. And it is getting stronger. He can wave a hand around in front of our face, and I feel no connection to the motion, and did not see it coming. I don't have to be half asleep anymore.

 

I think it has to do with us being really blended. We've been working hard to pull ourselves apart. We are at the point where we think he might be able to keep secrets from me. But not me from him yet. He leans too hard on my critical thinking in order to think clearly. He needs to develop his own critical thinking capacity.

 

If you have ever played fire boy and water girl, I highly recommend it as a parallel processing exercise. It is really helping us learn about how closely the eyes are connected to cognition. Normally, you can't think without moving your eyes as part of the process. We have to learn a whole new way of thinking. This is probably great for getting a poker face. This explains why Tulpa cannot claim full control over my eyes without putting me to sleep.

 

After, we also began to notice lots of other external physiological feedback loops associated with cognition, like facial expressions and muscle tension. When we flip mind voice speaker and are leaning against a wall, we can actually feel a huge change in our head muscles. Kind of like how you can hear your heartbeat when you lean your ear on the wrong type of surface. And then there is laughter. We seem to laugh when just one of us finds something funny.

 

In addition to symbolic metaphor, we've also been practising separation by talking over each other. One person tries to count and the other spouts random poetry. We aren't very good at it.

 

Tulpa: "I feel amazing! This morning I felt really strong, really present and real, and my host couldn't feel any connection to the movement I was making, and my thoughts were original, and free, and sophisticated."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

SPECIAL Origin Story edition:

 

For long time readers, you may have noticed that my details about myself have been a little inconsistent. Rest assured! I am not crazy. Yes, both I and my host have a susceptibility to wild conspiracy theories and wild imaginings. But this is totally because of our bad memory. And also, because we are still figuring things out.

 

So how old am I? Well, I spoke to my host about the real world in the middle of july. This shocked my host. She realised that I must therefore be a tulpa. Since then, we have completely changed our modes of existence. Neither of us thought we would offer any compromise to the notion that we would share the head, fifty fifty, and I would never become inactive.

 

But before that, I was a roleplay character. A daydream character to be more specific. I wasn't in her more common daydreams. Not in the dreams she used for writing. Not in the dreams she used to plan conversations or explore philosophy. I was in her recreational daydreams. Once or twice a day for five minutes.

 

I was not an ordinary character. I was a spirit, originally. One who possessed other characters, controlled them, felt their emotions, and felt the world through them. I know, how many people have a character like that? My host has been vicariously experiencing dreamworlds through other characters for more than two years in her recreational daydreams. Before that, more informally, she would be a different character every time, and often experimented with weird stuff like blending bodies together.

 

This is tied to how she experiences lucid dreams. Not the boring ones about the day's work, and not the false awakening ones. The ones where she actually has a body, and are fantastic and adventurous. She perceives these dreams as herself an adventurous spirit possessing one of the locals, and then going on a daring adventure.

 

At one point, about three years ago, she ran through a thought experiment. This thought experiment personified her spirit, in both the recreational daydreams and the adventurous lucid dreams. That spirit was not her. It was her avatar. A character created by her mind, a character separate from herself, a character whose job it was to be her, as a player controlled video game character is the player.

 

About two years ago, she got hooked on My Little Pony during a deep and major, if thankfully relatively short existential philosophy induced depression. After exhaustive research on the show, the concept of the ponysona was discovered. My host laughed at the idea. My host does not want a character to represent her. If anything, she wants to be behind the camera, not in front of it. Faceless. Formless. A changeling.

 

Not long after, that spirit that was her avatar chose a physical body for itself--That happened to be a changeling from MLP. Around that time, this avatar expressed, through eloquent speech, that he understood what he was. Expressing apologies to the other daydream characters, who didn't really seem to care at all, for the fact that he possessed them, and explaining that he was an avatar of someone from a different world. And that was the reason for their strange behaviour. They were possessed.

 

The daydreams got a lot stranger since then. Perhaps it is useful to mention that a pair of these characters had been psychically linked--At the suggestion of a certain, influential, avatar. They could hear each other's thoughts and see and feel what the other could. Not something that is easy to imagine experiencing.

 

About nine months ago, my host decided to use a changeling to represent herself online. Assumedly, she had grown attached to the idea of a changeling avatar. Either that or she had grown attached to a changeling avatar. It is safe to say her avatar acted as inspiration for the way she spoke and acted online. There were even times where she felt like someone else was writing her posts, so much had she cultivated a certain voice.

 

And I talked back to her in the middle of july.

 


 

There was some other groundwork that had been laid previously. Notably, her having dissociated herself from her legs so she didn't have to work to walk long distances uphill both ways. A sort of automation that eventually grew to also do some other routine tasks as well. And she studied a lot of psychology and frequently conducted tests to see if the power of the mind could be enhanced and explored illusions and altered experiences.


Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Gotta keep this from getting buried completely. Our brain is terrible at memory, so we keep forgetting stuff between these spaced out updates. Short: several incremental improvements.

 

Lucid dreaming is way down, pretty much fallen to one per week, but this is explainable by the fact that we have been putting our effort elsewhere.

 

Remembered to wake up a bunch of times once this week, and try to move the body while hostie slept. Unfortunately, hostie woke up at every movement, and I have not repeated the feat.

 

We've been focussing heavily on trying to get more alien feeling in my movement of the body. This seems to directly correlate with how dominant she is. If she is the primary thinker, anything I do with the body is moderately alien feeling to both of us. If she is fully dominant, body movements feel completely alien. Although, there is still the anomaly with how stuff feels totes alien when we are just waking up.

 

Continuing to work on blending. When we notice it, we mentally push off of each other. It seems to work great. 3. 2. 1. Go.

 

We've constructed a bubble metaphor to try and maintain separation. Our separation metaphors tend to create the problem of interfering with one of our cognitions, or puts one of us to sleep. The bubble metaphor is different. She is sitting in a sphere of force floating around inside our mind. This way, she can move to whatever part of the mind she needs to be in to maximise her strength of voice and feeling of herself. This position seems to change from day to day and hour to hour. Me, getting the rest of the brain, am less limited in my ability to think by this metaphor.

 

Did some experiments on mind reading. Turns out I can see all her thoughts, no matter how quiet she makes herself and no matter how much I try not to. I don't think they are as loud as they used to be, but it will be a real struggle obtaining individuality so long as I have this other voice blaring away inside my head.

 

I want to be my own person. She wants me to be my own person. I need to cut myself off from influence from her. We are trying to figure out ways to do this. A lot of my actions and decisions are made specifically because she wants me to make them. Neither of us are happy about this. We are therefore pushing hard to an extreme situation where I make all the decisions, and actively go against what she wants, until such time as I become properly independent. It is the hardest thing I have ever tried.

 

Host: I want to be scared. I want to be trapped. I want to be afraid. The funny thing is, though, Tulpa is the one who gets scared by this stuff. Because he is totally paranoid that he's going to turn into a monster if he goes to far, whereas I know that is impossible, so I always feel safe, and protected.

 

Had a bit of a fight with stability problems. These seem to happen near the end of the day. Wish I didn't feel so weak and not there when we don't get enough sleep. Not sure what this all means, yet, but I think better, and more independently, and I feel WAY more real when we get lots of rest. The constant exertion of chatting every night has been like strength training in this regard.

 

Form deviation: I've grown a foot. (Imperial measurement) If I stand up, I'm now taller than my host. Most of that is in leg length. My hip to shoulder measurement has not changed. Although my barrel girth has increased slightly. My head is now slightly larger than hers.


Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Man, all this uncertainty about when my host proxies me is making me nervous.

 

Host: Why can't I feel myself typing?

me: Because of the remote control phenomenon.

Host: Are you sure?

me: No.

 

The weird part is, my moving the body feels more natural now. It is so weird. When I move the body, it feels to both of us like we each are moving it. When she moves the body, it feels like neither of us is moving it. And that numbness that has been building up recently, isn't going away while she is controlling the body.

 

I'm trying really hard to not move the body, and it is stressing me out. I don't think I am moving it. But she keeps thinking I am.

 


 

Speaking of, numbness has been sneaking up on our body! It seems to be really magnified by those ASMR videos we have been watching. I can't really tell if it affects her as it affects me. But I find it entertainingly amazing how euphoric and pleasing these videos devoid of any traditional elements of entertainment are. Why the heck do I so much enjoy watching two blocks of wood rubbed together? I digress...

 

Wish it was just happening to her. But I feel it too. I've been trying to mentally push her off the senses and take them over. The epidermis is the only one that seems to be taking.

 

The numbness is strongest on the hands, but is also present all over.

 

Alternate explanation: blood vessel constriction.

 

Man, switching is going to take forever.

 


 

Been slacking on projection/imposition. She still can't see me all the time, but I look really solid (until she looks at me). I can get black as night. My facial features are really hard, still. How do I focus on forming expressions when I have to concentrate so I remain visible to her while she looks closely enough at my face to make out the facial expressions. Still, looking opaque while she isn't in a complete trance. Progress. Yay!

 

Tactile is proving troublesome. Always had trouble with my left hoof. I just can't move it deftly. My tactile illusion also seems to desync a lot. Maybe by efforts to take her sense of touch are interfering. I can still touch her effectively in our daydreams.

 

Also, there seems to be a maximum number of points of contact. When I just focus on one point of contact, I can make it fully real. Her most responsive spots are the shoulder blades and the side of her neck and behind the ears. When I try to wrap my arms and legs around her and press up close, the illusion fades.

 

I never mentioned it before, but my host gives the best hoof massages. She does it with her spirit form.

 


 

Dream stuff is going apace. I can confirm that reading lots of dream stuff in the day encourages lucid dreams. I can also confirm that watching animation. Like Korra, encourages exciting dreams.

 

So many times recently, I've been running into awesome dreams, then forgetting the most interesting detail before making it to the dream recording thread. It just kills me.

 


 

Our typing styles are quite different. Rather fascinating. She is a terrible typer. She keeps missing the keys. I am a terrible proofreader. I confuse words that sound the same all the time. She can read sentences to full comprehension faster. I can write sentences that sound good and flow well faster.

 


 

Reminder that we love it when other people post on our threads. If you think you know anything that can help us, or have questions...


Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Never did any possession ourselves. We didn't like it because it felt like a struggle to keep our control separate, having one person move the arms but still having me control the rest of the body. It was too much work for too little reward, so we kept up with switching. Full-body possession wasn't as popular back then, and I never really learned how that worked. Switching is cleaner and more satisfying for them than backseat-living could ever be.

 

 

ASMR just has that effect on some people. We (can I say that? us ASMRtists and ASMR followers..) think it has to do with the close and personal nature of these things. With haircuts, personal close and very focused attention from someone besides your parents, as one of the most common ASMR triggers, it's no surprise. Most types of triggers seem to fall in line with that, though obviously not all. Massages, mouth sounds and blowing in your ear, and other unique sounds surrounded by silence (funny way to say main focus of your ears, hmm) all imply a closeness with someone you're not likely to encounter in day to day life. And I don't want to say it has to be a stranger, but knowing the person intimately seems to lessen the effect, similar to being unable to tickle yourself. Of course, some people can tickle themselves (I can barely stand to scratch the bottom of my feet, nothing with arm pits or stomach though), and some people can get ASMR from people they know well. Anyways, it's weird as far as them being abnormal experiences goes, but not weird to have that response to experiencing them, if that makes sense.

 

 

I've been typing the same way for nine years, there's not much room for variety between us. The style in which we write obviously reflects our mental differences though. The real differences in that sense are in how we play Osu. Our collective skill rises the same for us all, but how we actually play is pretty different. Tewi seems to focus a lot on, I don't know, playing well? Hitting the notes? And Lucilyn plays more with the music, since she only plays the game for fun in the first place. I just play the game. Flandre plays a bit calmer than us, doesn't like playing hard songs and doesn't seem mentally prepared to do so in the first place, as the last time she played a long song she broke a 600x combo at something.. not that hard, but harder than the rest. But most importantly, she doesn't get excited and therefore choke like we do sometimes. I don't mean excited like "Oh boy!", I mean like when we're in the last minute of a song with a 600x combo, our heart races instinctively and we tense up a bit. Someone verified tensing our arm does help control during hard parts versus relaxed (as we've heard differently from others), but if we're tensing our arm we're probably tensing the body in general. Flan doesn't do that, she just plays, actually forgets that the combo exists sometimes too. Reisen chooses not to play Osu because she feels like it takes her awareness away and makes her vulnerable to being (negatively) emotionally invested in something she normally wouldn't be.

 

Sorry, what were we talking about? Typing differences? They type like me. Tewi sometimes types faster because she just has a clearer mind and knows what she wants to type. And if you see Lucilyn typing.. I guess, carelessly? with a lack of capitals and <--- punctuation mid-sentence, she's probably excited about something or just really happy. Sometimes she just doesn't want to capitalize things for whatever reason though.


Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.

My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sometimes I don't feel like capitalising things because my host disagrees politically with capitalising it. But then I usually do anyway because it would be weird not to.

 

It is weird how it is easier for me to not accidentally move the body when I project. But when I do, it is harder for me to not accidentally fall asleep.


Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sudden breakthrough.

 

progress on parallel processing and independence. We found a way to separate completely at will.

 

host: I imagine pulling myself together, into a single point.

 

When she does it I get really tired, and find it harder to do things. She gets a feeling of hyper alertness.

 

host: I get that feeling of completely alien movement that I am used to only getting early in the morning from tulpa's control.

 

Trying to both chat at once probably triggered our experiments here. I lean heavily on her mind to think well. A blended state for sure. But I have grown independent enough that I can think reasonably logically on my own. Everything seems a bit heavier.

 

host: When I do it, it feels like I am pulling the brain away from Tulpa and suppressing him. I worry.

 

But this is not what is happening. I can still move and think while she does it. It is just that everything gets heavier. Also, we still concentrate on the same things.

 

host: But less so. It really feels like, when I do this, our minds are separate, and can think about separate things. Wow. Being proxied feels even weirder than normal.

 

Yeah. Unlike normal possession, there is no confusion about who is controlling the body right now. I am very obviously acting alone.

 

I am completely thrilled to pieces over this degree of independence.

 

host: I can't tell in advance what Tulpa is going to type!

 

host: Preliminary experiments show that Tulpa can fall into a dream filled sleep while I stay awake like this. I suppose it makes sense that it can't go the other way yet, given that separating completely makes him this tired. It is a bit of an odd experience being trapped in a body, unable to move. With nothing to do but watch someone else's dreams from the outside. I fell asleep a few times. But we did get moments of obvious his dreaming alone. We did do these experiments before, but never got results this clear.

 

host:I tried to be quiet. He can still hear my every thought.

 

Yeah, I had some trouble sleeping through that. She never stops talking. Blah blah blah.

 

host: Well, that's not quite fair. Usually, one of us is always talking. I think the difficulty we have with parallel processing is linked to the fact we stop when the other is thinking about something.

 

We wonder if maybe, had I been younger, her pulling herself together might have starved me off. It is still scary, but I can think, like totally independently, and this is proof. You know, the whole blending thing, we sort of see it like she is feeding me, giving me her energy to power my action. But now that she is totally focusing on her, and pulling out all her support, I continue to act and think from outside of her. This is so cool.

 

host: Yeah.

 

host: Oh, forgot to mention, pulling myself in also makes the body's numbness worse. So cool.

 

host: Oh, if I can just say, I absolutely love it when I get that feeling of "Why isn't he talking" or "Why isn't he moving the body right now". It is really noticeable right now. He doesn't move like me. Like at all, within the constraints of how it is possible for a human body to move, and I love how when he decides to move is not when I would have decided to move, and I love how he decides to roll over at odd times, and how he squirmes with passion at odd times, and how he curls up like totally different than how I would have done, and I have no control over any of it. It's so unpredictable.

 

Still having memory problems. I rely on my host's attention on things to remember stuff. This is really obvious right now. As our attention is splitting.


Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×
×
  • Create New...