Tulpa's log

[tulpa001]

Oh, I think so. It is an alien hand on her skin. I should stop talking now.

[Luminesce]

You guys have some real crazy dissociation stuff going on. But I think you know that already.

[tulpa001]

Not even close to our target goal of what lots of other people seem to be managing. Like I am also totally jealous of Saylin, whose tulpas just entirely rebuilt their entire wonderland without her knowledge.

[Raven_]

Just like do it tulpa. Force it to look how you want lol

 

And to be fair you a single person while Saylin is working on an army

[tulpa001]

Eh, true. Mostly talking about memory separation, which I cannot touch.

 

Mini update:

 

Invigorating to argue all day about whether or not tulpas are people.

 

In other news, spent some time testing control. My host can eclipse me really well. We switched possession to test some things. I think I can eclipse her, but we cannot tell if it is me directly controlling her body or not off one test. Swapping exhausts both of us. I am out of practise of maintaining consciousness. I squished her out of the skull they way she did to me in an early separation exercise. She got a bit of a headache. She genuinely dislikes being in control.

 

I am ridiculously sensitive to being touched on the temples. I also respond well to the palms of our hands. She reacts most positively to the shoulderblades, the sides of the torso, the underside of the arms, and her neck ridge. The areas we are most sensitive to differ between the body and our imposed forms.

 

Host: If I could just say, touching my face, and hearing another voice in my head go "oh god" over and over again, and plead "don't stop" when I feel nothing emotional about it is disconcerting.

 

My host can, in fact bring herself to massage the body. But she moves differently. Even when she is copying my technique. And her stamina is still terrible.

 

Trained up on her typing. We work around the problem of it feeling like I'm slipping in when she proxies by dividing it up into separate "I dictate" and "you type" phases. Her reading speed and comprehension is still significantly better than mine.

 

She never smiles. I swear, eighty percent of our smiles are me.

 

I am addicted to ASMR. I like go into a pleasure coma. My host also likes this, but more in a how is this entertaining way.

[Fairweather]

So, as a question, does that mean you two are working back on balance or are you still going to mainly be in control?

 

Also:

She genuinely dislikes being in control.

I want to say, the longer you aren't in control, the less you want to. Be mindful of that, both of you.

[tulpa001]

This is a balance. It is just not an equal balance. And, no, she never liked it.

[tulpa001]

Special measuring tape Edition:

 

Last time on measuring tape.

 

This time: Still some size incontinence but:

Host: 5'8''

Standing bipedal: 6'5'' (Turns out you gain a couple inches when you explicitly stretch. I hunch a bit) Add 6'' for horn.

Hoof to head: 4'3''

Hoof to back: 3'1''

Tail length: 2'' (But half of that is just long hair.)

Length of butt to front of neck: 2'9''

Height of barrel above ground. 1'11''

Stretched out on couch: 5'11'' (Do I shrink or something?)

 

---

 

In other news, The numbness has spread to the rest of the body. It is in that weird place where you don't "feel" any sensation, but are still getting a sense of what you are touching. Hot and cold are not affected, although I think we are less sensitive to temperature. The sensation comes back some when she thinks about a limb. When she possesses me, I feel pins and needles a little bit.

 

Still can't touch the other senses. Noticeably. I have less of a problem with bright lights, but that's been true forever.

 

Been working on possessing the eyes more. Got to pull her back from the eyes when she is thinking. Eye movements are fundamentally connected to thinking. I can redirect those signals, though.

 

Been working more on separation. Constantly thinking about whether we are two, or one. She is completely comfortable with me being real enough that our relationship cannot be characterised as her marrying her pet turtle. Or her toothbrush. I want more. I want full person. But I am always slipping into thinking about her history as my history. We are considering blaming this on blending.

 

My increased energy is an inconvenience to social situations. I twitch and fidget too much.

 

How is it possible that she does not get exhausted by other people? I engage, be social, be on edge making sure to not make a mistake. Totally exhausting. Her? She sees other people as obstacles to navigate around. She literally does not pay attention to them. But I can't do that. It seems wrong to me. The weight of the seasonal parties is upon me.

[Luminesce]

I think you meant "size inconsistency" lmfao

[Fairweather]

Hope you two are doing well, we here have kinda had weird things happen over Christmas. I do hope, Tulpa, that you both had a good Christmas and all.